Saturday, 18 July 2015


I don't know why I had the urge to come on here today after so so long.
The book about my time in the woods came out A Place of Refuge

At the moment, I'm STILL trying to finish the 2nd year (of three) of my degree, having finished my first year in June 2012. I have spent most of the past year asleep, I was misdiagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but I actually have Ehlers-Danlos Sydrome I have type 3 but with symptoms from some of the other types too. I can't walk or swim like I used to, I even have a disabled parking permit now...

I see a psychologist once a fortnight, I stopped seeing ED services 1 year and 1 week ago. My eating is very very different from back in the day and whilst I'm not better I'm a lot better than before I went to the woods. 

Mainly at the moment I'm just crippled with anxiety. Which means I don't get much done.

Sorry, this is such an awful post, it feels so odd writing on here.

Sunday, 29 December 2013


It is roughly 8 or so months since I last wrote here. A lot has changed, a lot hasn't. 
I'm back for my second year of university, I live with two girls I know from my first year, I am majorly involved in running my universities branch of a student mental health charity, I have a boyfriend, I am an outpatient, I am meant to be gaining but not.
In so many ways things are far better than they have been for the entire time I've had this blog. Spending over a year in the woodland community I lived in last year has lead to a more confident and more assertive me. Everyone at university can see the change, my university mental health worker is always so pleased with how I'm doing overall whatever dips there may be. I fully opened up in therapy in the summer and I feel able to tell people more of the things that happened. I'm also far more relaxed about people knowing I have Asperger's and Tourette's. I've been working with the team in my department researching Tourette's and hope they will supervise my third year project (equivalent to a dissertation).
I got my branch of the mental health charity a little over £8000 of funding for the next 18 months. I am somehow balancing this with my degree.

And yes, I have a boyfriend, he is also 21, studying medicine. He is quirky and we like a lot of the same things. He also took time off from his degree due to depression, I feel able to tell him things and he is understanding even if he can't fully understand. In terms of the eating disorder it has helped my body image but that makes me more reluctant to gain. I am under my natural weight but not an anorexic BMI, my ED team want me to gain, want me to eat at least 2000 calories a day over 3 meals and 3 snacks and learn to be whatever weight that makes me. Which makes so much sense...unless you are the patient.

Christmas has been a bit difficult but by no means unmanageable. Not including a slip-up in November I haven't cut for a year now. 

I honestly don't know how things will turn out. At the moment I feel like I have some sort of equilibrium and I don't know that I want to push through that to whatever 'recovered' is. Lots of things are going well and making me happy. My team has been clear they think if I don't change that I might not ever end up in hospital again but I won't get better alone. I know there are slight medical things that if I stay like this I will regret further down the line; my teeth are becoming translucent in places, I only have periods due to a high oestrogen contraceptive pill. I simple can't do as much as other people, I don't know how I used to have the energy to walk so far or swim so far. 

Saturday, 25 May 2013

Moving on...but not far.

I've created a new blog / which will hopefully be more positive as I feel like things are getting slowly better.

I'm going to hide this blog in a few months but I'd really love for anyone interested to follow me on my new blog.

Bye Bye


Friday, 10 May 2013

People move on and I just feel like I'm in the same place with my ED that I have been for years. This blog is so repeatitive. 
I've been ill (with a stomach bug) for a week. Two weeks ago I was starting to be more relaxed about food, I wanted to start exercising more but things were going in the right direction. Now I've been ill for a week and barely eaten I'm stuck again, scared to increase my food, scared of people seeing me eat/ not eat. Being sick all the time makes me wonder how I used to do it to myself. I've realised how much weaker my body is and that a nasty bug that someone else here is better from has really knocked me.

I don't know what to do. I sort of want to start a new blog, more focused on steps to getting better. Equally I should probably spend less time on the internet because I've realised how I used tumblr and youtube to trigger myself.

In terms of The Woods, they think I'm not trying enough and that I'm self-pitying. My therapist disagrees and I think my GP does too, communication has broken down, hopefully having a meeting with me, my therapist and T &F.

Friday, 19 April 2013

3 weeks of a different routine. Consisting of 10 days in a different community, 4 days at my parent's and a week back at the woods but having lots of appointments.
Two new guests come tomorrow. So we go from this week 4 adults and 3 kids to 7 adults and 3 kids. Stress.
I feel alright in the day then at night I feel awful and want to cut...or die. I don't do either.
Food isn't perfect but isn't bad-bad either.

Saturday, 30 March 2013


On Monday I'm going to a larger community for 10 days, then to my parent's house for a few days for my little brother's birthday.

I am so stressed about going, about having to sort my room out here so some strangers can sleep in it, about how fat I feel...I want to cut (I won't), I want to restrict whilst I'm away (I don't know how not to). 

I'm ok about going, I pretty much get to spend 10 days sewing and doing art. But I'm so angry about going too. T and F and their kids are going on holiday, N and D (long-term, live-in volunteers) are staying here, having friends over, feeding the animals and chilling out. I'm NOT ALLOWED TO BE HERE. Plus, I only got told I wasn't staying here with N and D 8 days ago...

Yesterday and today, T and F and N have had friends and family over, it has been really busy, I'm really tired, the kids are annoying me. I'm the only 'crazy' person here and all these visitors ask me what I'm doing with my life and I have to give some polite answer. 

I do love being here, but sometimes I just want some quiet and no one having a conversation right outside my door, or asking if they can get linen from my room (YES YOU CAN BUT DO IT YOURSELF).