Today consisted of agony from laxatives...sleep. Then I got up and showered, ate 600cals of ice cream, 100cals of peas, 200cals of biscuits, 50cal apple ...and I had soup...1050cals. I want the other 600cals of ice cream. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so bloated, I am laying here I can see all the fat. I feel disgusting. I AM disgusting. Today has been horrible. I agreed to go camping Wednesday-Friday...which means swimming only on Monday and maybe Wednesday morning? And eating...and DRINKING. I don't know why I agreed, especially after the arguments at the party. I haven't lost any weight this week, I've lost control. It's been a mess. I'm going to get the fucking ice cream. I'm disgusting. I hate myself.
So I had this barbeque, the first few hours were nice, I ate too much but I didn't go wild or anything and I wasn't obsessed with the food. Loads of drunken arguing at the end (well I was sober but others weren't) I can't even write about it here without just getting angry...but I lost all respect for this one guy and I'm a bit iffy about another. This morning I got up, my friend left, I tidied up..I ate 3 leftover bread rolls with ketchup. WTF? Who does that? I took lots of laxatives even though they don't make you lose weight etc...so laying here in pain :/ I have a completely blocked nose so I can't go swimming. I'm not eating again until Monday, probably Monday evening.
My brother went shopping for the BBQ, which was really good of him. EXCEPT... On the list I made for myself I put lemonade, when we agreed he would shop I said I would get the drinks but he bought the lemonade. Sugar Lemonade. I would have bought sugar-free lemonade that is 2 calories per 250ml, he bought sugar lemonade that is 100 calories per 250ml. I can't drink it. Which means I still have to buy something soft to drink except I can't buy lemonade so I'll have to get orangeade or something. It's not a major deal, it's his problem her carried 4 extra kilos home that he didn't need to. It more annoyed me that he completely didn't take in our conversation yesterday...at all. He still hasn't walked the dog, put the bikes away or cleared the grass...
So I actually got up at a normal time today, I cleaned a bit, I picked up a tonne of dog poo...! I generally was just doing housework in preparation for people coming round this evening. But then I ate, and I threw up. I have to see my orthodontist in an hour and a half...my mouth smells of sick and I can't get rid of it. I don't know what to do, I can't cancel the appointment because it's a post-op one not just an adjustment...feck. I've lost some weight...just not very much. Instead of camping this weekend I might stay home alone so I don't have to eat. I dunno. I'll ask how people are catering at camp.
Ok so my friend hasn't texted back, and I know, I do know it's just because she's not looked at her phone but I'm starting to think 'Oh screw it, just forget it, so much for trying to plan what I want to do on my birthday, you didn't even listen, didn't even READ, because I sent you a letter at uni when I was first thinking about it saying exactly what I wanted to do but really? really? It's just going to be crap because I'll get upset and feel fat or get tired and it'll just SUCK. And clearly you don't want to go anyway."
I want to KNOW that that is just bollocks and say 'hey look at what goes on in my crazy paranoid head' but equally...my mum has this poster that says "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't talking about me".
It's not just my 18th, it's the day I'm meant to kill myself. I'm not going to, god I'm not going to but I deliberatly planned to have a day out of things I want to do, not with my family to remove having too much time alone and the temptation to do anything. My friend doesn't know that, though she does know about my obsession with the number 18...I think she thinks I'm all better now, just a bit anxious and stuff. Which sucks, I mean, I did stop telling her stuff because I felt like with all my friends I had just become 'the crazy sick one' and it was all people seemed to talk about with me. I still see people from school who are shocked that I'm doing exams and stuff, I don't know what they thought I was doing with my life but they are shocked I'm at college...though to be honest it's probably that they just didn't think anything at all. I wasn't at school anymore and thus dropped of their radar.
So I stopped telling my best friend things...I send her the occasional text about psych stuff but rarely. She only knows about my last overdose because I was staying with her the weekend afterwards. Another friend called me whilst I was on the drip in hospital and I didn't say anything, just chatted away normally.
Phew! She texted back she is free...but she had "got confused" about which day my birthday is. But it's ok because she is free...it's going to be ok?
So today went ok, I feel. I didn't swim that far but I didn't faint. I've sorted the shopping with my brother he's buying the food in town and I'm buying the (diet) drinks after my orthodontist appointment. SORTED! Well I hope so anyway, I have emphasised not to buy sausages because I've asked people to bring stuff and it's a BBQ everyone is going to bring sausages! I'm doing: a green salad (balsamic vinegar/ vinaigrette, people put their own on) potato salad (I won't be eating!) pepper and courgette kebabs (yum!) some lamb mint kebabs (nope) some beef burgers (nope) ...Yeh and then people are bringing stuff, we have some sausages in the freezer if we really need them but it'll be cool.
Why am I feeling unloved? Well...it's my 18th birthday next Tuesday. I've planned to see a play with my friend, I thought we were going to go shopping and have drinks as well and I HAD told her this. She texted if I was planning on going into the city for the whole day or just the evening. I replied the whole of Tuesday as its a matinee...she replied "So it's Tuesday, not your actual birthday then?"... I'm hoping she just didn't realise it was the 3rd on Tuesday..and not that she thought my birthday was another day :/ So really I don't feel that unloved, though I am a bit worried that now she won't be able to come because she has to do something else...and she hasn't texted back yet.
I feel really teenage and catty but after the people who were meant to meet us at the pub last night deciding to go to a different pub from the one we agreed and my best friend getting the day of my birthday wrong...and worrying about the BBQ where all these people will be with FOOD...it's a bit crazy.
Can't sleep now, I'm panicking about shopping for the BBQ and being seen and someone thinking I'd eat all the food I'm buying and eeeeh :S I either need to get over it or make my brother go... sleeeeep please?!?!?!
I ate the meatballs, 4 biscuits, a slice of apple pie, a soya yoghurt, a few crisps and a lemonade = 900cals. I burnt 950ish. I feel really bloated and my weight is back up from having stuff inside of me...
Cycling was really good though and got me over the recent phobia after I had a panic attack alone in the country on my bike.
I feel so dumb for eating, I ate 2 biscuits to stop myself fainting so I could cycle to the pub and stay awake and talk for a bit but we got stood up so we just went home...so the lemonade and a few crisps were pointless (I was with my brother and his girlfriend).
Then I came home and just wanted to SLEEP so much I ate the biscuits...the apple pie...the yoghurt. It wasn't a binge, they were spaced out, I didn't enjoy them but I still ATE them. eurgh.
65 lengths, I ran out of time because I chatted to this guy too much. He's like 30...but I can't work out if he's just friendly or if he's coming on to me. My hips really ache, I need to take calcium and other vitamins when I get home. I'm still worrying about dinner, I'll see how much I weigh this afternoon and I guess I could offer to cook and then I know exactly what is in it...and I don't have to eat the carbs. I don't think I actually want the food, which is actually the problem. I know I need to eat to cycle etc. but I don't want the food, I'm not even that hungry.It just makes the decision harder. I don't have to eat on Wednesday, I need to eat something on Thursday as I'm hosting a BBQ, nothing on Friday and a little bit on Saturday and Sunday whilst I'm camping...hopefully nothing Monday, then Tuesday is my birthday. :S It's all scaring me. Which is good. I'm too scared to binge too but I'm worried it'll change and I'll go crazy and eat and eat and eat, it's happened before.
I had a coffee with soya and some sugar, I nibbled the edge of a biscuit. I know I'm going to burn en times that at the pool but, it's plaguing me. My brother asked if I wanted meatballs for dinner with them, I said a provisional yes but the idea of eating is freaking me out. Again I know I will burn the calories off this evening kyaking and cycling and that I can't cycle without eating but...shit..pretty much.
Way better day :) I got up, had a bit of trouble getting dressed, feeling fat etc. I had some broth and a sip of apple juice, chatted to my brother and went and got the bus. I swam 82 lengths which burns about 850calories. Then I went to my psych appointment, walking there I felt like I was going to pass out, but I didn't so it's ok...
We spoke a little about the increased OCD and food troubles but not much, I felt so down talking about it so we moved on to the letter I sent her last week. So we spent the rest of the session talking about Tourette's which whilst it made me tic a lot more (speaking about it) it was nice because we weren't specifically speaking about me so it was more like a tutorial in some ways...(well not really, but it didn't feel so much like a therapy session). One idea was to 'experiment' with taking aripiprazol (Abifly) to see if it decreases the tics. I did feel like they weren't bad enough for medication however I've read a bit more and we also spoke about the fact that if it does work we know it works and if I want to carry on taking it I can, if I don't then I know it does/ doesn't work if I want to take medication in the future. So I think I am going to 'experiment'. I managed to find pretty much the only food related side affect, aripiprazol affects the 5-HT2C receptor which is the thing if you don't have you have prada willi syndrome (where you don't realise you are satisfied and feel constantly hungry = obesity) anyway that doesn't mean taking aripriprazolmeans you don't realise you are full, I think it just..affects it. But it's worth a shot and given I ignore being hungry anyway it wouldn't really matter. I haven't eaten anything today, I need to drink more.
I went downstairs, I was going to wash some lettuce and see how I felt about eating it. I made peanut cookies earlier for my brother and his girlfriend, half the plate is gone yet my brother pointed at me and said "Oh person who ate three packets of crisps in one day" it wasn't in reference to anything else, we weren't talking about food. They were the three packets of crisps I opened, looked at, and fed to the dog. I told him to Shut Up, put the lettuce back in the fridge and came upstairs, now I'm crying...and I can't eat. Why doesn't he understand?? I've been in hospital so much you think at somepoint something would sink in that I have 'issues' right?? Clearly not. Now I feel even more trapped, because it's not me saying not to eat, it's him. I hate this.
My Monday routine is to go out at 11am, get the 11:20 bus, get to the pool for 12 noon opening swim til it closes at 1.30pm walk around until my psych at 3pm, but tomorrow I have the psych at 2pm so I have to get changed really fast and walk or jog to psych. Which is good..more exercise. I don't know what to say to her, I'm too embarrassed to say what's been happening since my parents have been away.
I'm scared of the dark, I'm scared to sleep, I'm having nightmares
If I eat I purge, so I haven't been eating. I can't eat.
I haven't done anything all weekend.
I've taken too many laxatives and diuretics.
OCD is driving me crazy, I'm worried about the doors being locked, the windows being shut, people breaking in, people hiding in the house.
So it's not that bad...it felt worse before I wrote it, but I don't know how to say it..and what can she do anyway?
My back aches from the laxatives and I feel like I've had too much water to drink but my mouth is dry. I ran out of post-diarrhoea electrolyte replacement drinks.
It's 10am and I'm still in bed, dehydrated from the laxatives but stuggling to drink, and tired from waking up in the night because of the laxatives. I need to get up and DO something but it feels so much safer in my parents bedroom. They get back in a week. I hope I'm not like this all week, I have to go swimming and to my psych appointment tomorrow. I haven't lost any weight since last week, I'm stuck at the same weight I've been stuck around for months.
On a forum I was on last night there was a thread about posting pictures of self-harm on the internet. I do not understand why someone would want to post pictures of their cuts. I go to extreme efforts to hide my cuts and scars from everyone including strangers. I do not hide the scar I got from falling over as a kid, I do not hide the scar I got a few months ago from the oven door. They were accidental. Anyway the post was asking why people do post pictures. The responses were that it proved to the people on the forums they weren't lying. Most shocking was the response that people found cuts "beautiful". I can identify when I cut that a cut is a 'good' cut or a 'bad' cut and part of that is how it looks, but neither times is that cut "beautiful" and I would certainly not find someone elses cut attractive in anyway. So I do think people posting on these forums have developed a scewed mentality. I also disagreed with it on the basis that it triggers other people to cut, you post it on the internet that could trigger hundreds of people. It also 'sets a bar' as to how bad cutting should be, this means more people cut deeper, more people cut in dangerous areas. It was compared to how ED forums use thinspiration and say that bones are beautiful. My ED is not about looking attractive but I can understand more when people stare at pictures of models or other thin girls because that is an exaggeration of what society does all the time. At no point do people drool over someone's injuries. Both cause a scewed view about how extreme something should be however one has obvious social routes whereas the posting of self-harm images is a very new phenomenon, probably less than 5 years in comparison to the centuries of self-harm. Four ago when I was trawling the web in confusion over cutting myself (I did not at that point realise this was 'self-harm') there were a few images on google but not forums filled with them. I did not frequent sites that encouraged self-harm because I did not come across them. The pro-ana sites have a twisted goal but a goal - get thinner. What is the purpose of a forum that encourages cutting? The goal of a cut is the release, but you only need that release if something is going on. Basically the only purpose to such sites in comparison to self-harm supports sites such as The National Self Harm Network is that these sites trigger self-harmers but if you cut already then there is already a trigger. You can also cut without a trigger.
In this forum thread the people defended it used the language used to defend why people cut
"There are so many reasons why people would post photos of their self harming, but it doesn't matter because you're not gonna understand still, only the people who do this can understand(& I don't mean people who SH, I mean people who post these photos)"
It shocked me, it made me feel old yet the girl posting is also 17.
I binged, I didn't purge, I took laxatives. My parents left 36 hours ago and I'm scared of the dark again, there are murderers hiding in all the cupboards...waiting. There are monsters under the bed. Scariest of all...there is food in the cupboards, the fridge, the freezer.
I went downstairs, to get a drink, to look in the cupboards but not touch, not eat. But they were eating, I couldn't go beyond the bottom of the stairs, couldn't see them. I came back up, I couldn't control my breathing. I hate this, I hope tomorrow is better, I hope I DO more, I hope I don't go crazy. I hope I don't binge, I hope I don't eat.
My mum called my brother, my mum called me. She told me "don't forget to eat". I feel guilty. I feel like I'm meant to go downstairs and cook myself a 'healthy' dinner: Carbs, protein, vegetables. Pasta in tomato sauce with prawns or bacon and a side salad. Steak and chips and salad with my brother. Chicken, rice and roasted vegetables. Pizza and salad. I can't eat meals like that anymore. Before my Eating Disorder began, 4 years ago. I was a fussy eater, meals caused anxiety so safe meals were Pasta, pizza, chicken, roast dinner. Sauces couldn't have bits in, they had to be smooth. I didn't like foods to touch and I ate only apples in terms of fruit and only a small selection of vegetables. Now I eat a far wider variety of fruit and vegetables, but meals are still a cause of panic, carbs are like being stabbed.
But I still feel guilty.
But I managed to gain a kilo overnight! Maybe I am retaining water, I don't know, but how do 2.2lbs magically appear overnight?
Tomorrow I have the house to myself all day. I need to do a project, I can't just sit on the computer all day. I had planned things to do this week. Sewing? I could make bags, or cushion covers. I can stair run. 5 minutes intense every hour = 900 calories burnt without too much trouble. I can do that right?
When I finally went to bed last night I had a nightmare about a soap I watched on TV. Pretty hilarious given it's on at 7.30pm before the 9pm watershed so there is nothing offensive in it and generally it's meant to be suitable for under 12's! Anyway...I got up this morning, my brother pissed me off, he walked into my room whilst I was dressing without knocking. He let his girlfriend use my new bike, and they just got back but are using the bikes again so I can't go on a bike ride. I ate. I took laxatives. I'm not eating again until I can't stand it anymore. So if I need to eat 50cals to swim on Monday I'll eat 50cals to swim. If I need to eat 150cals to sail and cycle and stay awake on Tuesday I'll eat 150cals. But I'm not going to fuck up like I fucked up this morning again. I'm waiting for the house to be empty so I can run on the stairs, it burns 12cals a minute!
I'm a big girl, I'm almost eighteen, but my parents are away and I'm scared to go to bed. I'm not the only person home, my brother and his girlfriend are here. The doors are locked, everything is safe, but I'm scared to go to bed. The dog is fussing, it's 11pm and she keeps barking even though she doesn't want to go out. I just don't like it. When my parents are home I don't hug or kiss or even speak to them all that much, I hug and kissed them goodbye today because I set a reminder on my phone to do so. But right now I want someone to give me a big hug and say it's all safe.
I had my last food until Monday morning. I'm so scared I'm going to screw up not eating. I have lots of things I need to do around the house, and I have the laptop all to myself. The last time I didn't eat for more than one day (I think) was last year when I stayed with a friend who lives in France. She has an ED too and I didn't eat for 8 days, then the last 2 days I was there I went crazy. I binged and purged in the airport 3 times waiting for my flight home, I don't think I ever want to be in an airport again. I got of the plane, my mum met me, she said my hair that I'd hastily tied back to purge looked nice. It was almost 1am and we went to Mcdonalds drive-thru I had a McChicken Sandwich (a chicken burger). I was a mess for weeks, the binging scared me. Purging I could cope with, but binging??! So, the weekend will be tough, I'm pretty scared I'll binge and purge. Pretty scared I'll fuck it all up yet again. People say starving yourself is hard, that when you look back from 'recovery' you realise it is hard. But when all this first started, I just stopped, stopped snacks, stopped breakfast, stopped lunch, ate a little at dinner. I never wanted any more, I loved saying 'No' saying 'No, thank you' became so automatic that sometimes I took a double take. Now, I eat foods I don't even like sometimes, just to EAT.
2:30 pmMy parents and little brother went on holiday, I binged and purged a few hours after they left. It's only the second time I've purged in two weeks. This happens when my parents go away, the first day I panic, I want to go with them, I binge and purge then I follow my plan.I could have gone on holiday with them but I wanted to lose weight, be an adult, have some space. Mainly I wanted to lose weight, but this morning as they packed up the car I wanted to run upstairs and pack my bag and jump in the car with them.Then they left, the house felt too big, too empty, I could do what I wanted too much, no one in the way. I filled myself up, emptied myself out and straightened my head, scewed my mind to 'Starve'.I'm about to go swimming, I should do 6km but I think I'll only make 5km, I did 4.5km yesterday.I miss my bones. When I'm swimming I can feel them I know they are there each time I brush my hands past. In the mirror today I say huge hips, I am too solid, too muscular. Too fat.
I've eaten 450 calories and burnt 1500, but I want to eat. But I want to be hungry. It was a pretty good day, there is just so much stuff I don't want to think about. I sent a letter to my psychiatrist (I do this a lot). I have 4 months before I'm discharged from child services, adult services where I live are useless. So in four months I'm flying solo. My mum really wants them to keep me until I'm 19, but I don't think that is possible. I don't know. I don't want to think about it because I want them to too but I don't want to be 'rejected'... Last session my psych said about 'the things I need to talk about' and I said in the letter that I wanted to be made to talk about them, as far as you can be made to talk about something. Except, I really don't want to. I really can't. I also enclosed a list or questions and ramblings I wrote when I was hypomanic, I should have left it out, it's not embarrassing in that I don't say anything too personal however I eurgh, I just hate how I sound in it.
My parents and little brother go on holiday tomorrow for 10 days, it'll be my and my older brother (he's 21) and his girlfriend is coming to stay. We all get on but so far my plan for the week is This weekend: don't eat anything, clean, sew, exercise Monday: Swim, psych- 200 calories Tuesday: Swim, don't eat anything until just before sailing and the pub (cycling places) Wednesday: Swim, study-100 calories Thursday: Swim, dentist, BBQ- 400 calories Friday: Swim, tidy up- haven't decided about calories :/ The weekend: I think I am camping, I hope I don't eat or drink (alcohol) too much. (Parents get home) Monday: Swim, psych 250 calories Tuesday: My eighteenth, London with my best friend 1000 calories (maybe...)
I guess I should say something about me, and maybe why I don't want to be her anymore. I am 17, I live in South East England, I just finished A-level English and Religious Studies. I od'd on my French exam so I haven't finished that. I am going back for a third year to take Biology, retake maths and maybe finish French.
Since 14, I've be fat, too thin, fat, thin, fat, too thin, fat. I've been depressed, autistic, ocd, psychotic, self-harming, suicidal, attention-seeking, lonely, the fault of my parents, crazy, incapable. But mostly they got it wrong: I have OCD, I have an Eating Disorder, I have thoroughly screwed up mood fluctuations that are worse than cyclothymia and not as bad as Bi-polor. I like sailing, sewing, psychology, neurology, reading. I have read to many 'I was abused and wrote a book' biographies, too much Jodi Picoult and Marya Hornbacher's 'Wasted' too many times. I've written a lot of poetry but nothing much for 2 years. Mainly I wrote during my first inpatient admission in 2007 and during my 5 months of freedom before the next admission in 2008. I went into hospital with one lot of problems and left with those problems embedded and a truck load of others. I have tourette's, I tic, I don't swear but I'm scared I might. I jerk and twitch and stretch and jump and tip-toe without choice. I was a high-achieving student, then I spent the best part of two years in hospital and went from 11 a* and a grade predictions to 9 a, b and c grades. I am clever and however poor my self-esteem is I know that, but I can't use it because I spend too much time trying to destroy myself.
I like turquoise, I like hoarding memories: tickets, programmes, photos, ribbons, hair clips, receipts anything that means or meant something.
I always had friends at school, but I was barely there fore years 10 and 11 and for 12 and 13 I went to college and barely stayed in touch.
My head is never quite, it's full of thought about food and plans and arguements and tics.
I dream about being trapped, locked in, no choice and the Holocaust. I cannot escape it. My dreams are so real that they scare me in real life, but I'm not 5 and no one is there to tell me that the monsters aren't real.
My legs ache, my shoulders ache, my arms ache but I feel invalid because my stomach is not aching with hunger, my bones aren't protruding and I am soft at the edges. Four years 'study' but I have qualified in everything except thinness. In to nothing else have I put so much effort and time and in nothing else have I failed. I feel cheated. If anyone else swam so many miles or ate so little they would have disappeared into the black by now. I am here; solid, strong, protected bones and muscles. Chest stings, bursts open from its expulsions, heart races from caffeinated alertness, hair thins and nails chip, teeth rot but fat clings on. It will not let go, it imprisons my thighs, stomach, arms, face, chest, Body. It announces me "Woman". Calculations, estimations, practice papers. Calories in, calories out. I am willed to break free, to count and check and check again, to eat and panic and not eat again. No proof of this, nothing yet to show 'cept tears at dinner and cuts in bed. For it all seems a dream, I'm out of myself, body remains but spirit is lost.