Wednesday, 28 July 2010

22:22 Birthday Blues

Ok so my friend hasn't texted back, and I know, I do know it's just because she's not looked at her phone but I'm starting to think 'Oh screw it, just forget it, so much for trying to plan what I want to do on my birthday, you didn't even listen, didn't even READ, because I sent you a letter at uni when I was first thinking about it saying exactly what I wanted to do but really? really?
It's just going to be crap because I'll get upset and feel fat or get tired and it'll just SUCK. And clearly you don't want to go anyway."

I want to KNOW that that is just bollocks and say 'hey look at what goes on in my crazy paranoid head' but equally...my mum has this poster that says "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't talking about me".

It's not just my 18th, it's the day I'm meant to kill myself. I'm not going to, god I'm not going to but I deliberatly planned to have a day out of things I want to do, not with my family to remove having too much time alone and the temptation to do anything. My friend doesn't know that, though she does know about my obsession with the number 18...I think she thinks I'm all better now, just a bit anxious and stuff.
Which sucks, I mean, I did stop telling her stuff because I felt like with all my friends I had just become 'the crazy sick one' and it was all people seemed to talk about with me. I still see people from school who are shocked that I'm doing exams and stuff, I don't know what they thought I was doing with my life but they are shocked I'm at college...though to be honest it's probably that they just didn't think anything at all. I wasn't at school anymore and thus dropped of their radar.

So I stopped telling my best friend things...I send her the occasional text about psych stuff but rarely. She only knows about my last overdose because I was staying with her the weekend afterwards. Another friend called me whilst I was on the drip in hospital and I didn't say anything, just chatted away normally.

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Phew! She texted back she is free...but she had "got confused" about which day my birthday is. But it's ok because she is free...it's going to be ok?

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