Sunday, 25 July 2010

Tears

I went downstairs, I was going to wash some lettuce and see how I felt about eating it. I made peanut cookies earlier for my brother and his girlfriend, half the plate is gone yet my brother pointed at me and said "Oh person who ate three packets of crisps in one day" it wasn't in reference to anything else, we weren't talking about food. They were the three packets of crisps I opened, looked at, and fed to the dog. I told him to Shut Up, put the lettuce back in the fridge and came upstairs, now I'm crying...and I can't eat.
Why doesn't he understand?? I've been in hospital so much you think at somepoint something would sink in that I have 'issues' right?? Clearly not.
Now I feel even more trapped, because it's not me saying not to eat, it's him. I hate this.

My Monday routine is to go out at 11am, get the 11:20 bus, get to the pool for 12 noon opening swim til it closes at 1.30pm walk around until my psych at 3pm, but tomorrow I have the psych at 2pm so I have to get changed really fast and walk or jog to psych. Which is good..more exercise.
I don't know what to say to her, I'm too embarrassed to say what's been happening since my parents have been away.
  1. I'm scared of the dark, I'm scared to sleep, I'm having nightmares
  2. If I eat I purge, so I haven't been eating. I can't eat.
  3. I haven't done anything all weekend.
  4. I've taken too many laxatives and diuretics.
  5. OCD is driving me crazy, I'm worried about the doors being locked, the windows being shut, people breaking in, people hiding in the house.
So it's not that bad...it felt worse before I wrote it, but I don't know how to say it..and what can she do anyway?

My back aches from the laxatives and I feel like I've had too much water to drink but my mouth is dry. I ran out of post-diarrhoea electrolyte replacement drinks.

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