Tuesday, 31 August 2010

6:25 am

I woke up at 5:20 this morning planning the meals for when I go hiking in Wales with friends next week. I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up but it's so early!
I'm going to Oxford with my parents and little brother today, we come back tomorrow but goodness THE FOOD!
Lunch today will be out or a picnic, dinner will be out (I'm hoping at Noodle Nation...but even that will be about 400calories :S
The tomorrow my mum wants to order breakfast at the hostel but it's £4.95 for all you can eat, I think I'll tell her it's not worth the money for me to eat there and have a machine coffee and a cereal bar or something, then lunch...except I'm planning on going off on my own by then. Then I think we'll get home around dinner time and I can be 'too tired'???
Even so there is no way I can stick to 500 calories (given I've already had 117 at 7am...) and I wanted to be down another kilo (2.2lbs) by Friday. :'(

Telling my psych stuff has made everything so much harder. I feel like now I've said how I feel and what I really do around food (that I'm not sticking to my meal plan anymore) that I really have to prove that and lose at least 5lbs by Monday when I see her next.
She said she had to go away and think...she has never had to go away and think before, I don't know what she's going to say.

I'm scared of so much stuff. Scared of food, scared of weight, scared of people. I feel way to fat to be talking about 'my eating disorder' my BMI isn't even currently anorexic because I gained, I gained for my fucking psych and now I feel so much worse because she made me cry and tell her...........................................................
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.............................It isn't really her fault.


It's mine.

Truth

I had a psych session today, I properly spoke about my eating disorder for the first time. Not just weighing and measuring and evading questions about any real feelings. I cried...twice.
I can't believe it's been four years, I can't believe it took four years of hospitals and almost dying and drips and doctors to finally SPEAK.
It's not like I've said everything its only a little chip in my eighteen-year-old fortress...but I spoke.

I'm still so tired, medication...it's a lose-lose situation at the moment. I'm tired (getting side-effects) but not getting the benefits (I'm still having tics)two years of tics and they are the worst they've ever been.

erm...I don't know what else to write except I'm quite excited I have 3 followers now :)"Hi guys" x

Sunday, 29 August 2010

wrong hair, wrong clothes, wrong me, staying in.

I feel so tired, groggy and depressed. Not suicidal depressed just everything is a dull grey depressed.
I'm meant to be going out in half an hour to a friend's belated birthday drinks...but I've cancelled. I feel so bloated. I got to a GW yesterday but I'm over it again today just because of water and waste and yadayada but I feel so SO HUGE. So yeh..I'm lame I cancelled because my hair is flat and childish and makes me look 15 (I got ID'd for ibuprofen on Friday, you can't even fucking HARM yourself with it!!!) and my stomach was too bloated for the dress I wanted to wear which was too formal for the occasion...blah.

I baked today, peanut cookies for my older brother and ginger cake for my mum.
Oh I've never written about my family...well

I live with my mum and dad and little brother (he's 12), my 21 year-old brother just graduated and is living at home at the moment as he only has a job in a bar. We have a laborador dog and it all sounds sweet and nice. Mainly it is nice.
However...
My mum is physically disabled (though not in a wheelchair), my little brother has Asperger's Syndrome (a type of autism) and both my Mum and Dad have depression. My dad also has Asperger's though can't get a national health service diagnosis and we can't afford to get a private diagnosis at the moment. Neither of my parents work properly so yeh. We manage.

I do have a pretty good family though really, like not perfect but that doesn't really exist but they are nice people.


Worrying over university applications, we can apply to 5 places and my teacher wants one of those to be Oxford...but I don't have all A's so the only chance I'd have is using my health to my advantage but bleh :/

Saturday, 28 August 2010

long time no blogging

So I haven't updated in awhile, nothing has changed in my life. I lost 2.3kg (5lbs) this week but I'm telling the whole world I'm gaining... I've got so bit my psych has stopped weighing me. Well not quite true, she didn't happen to weigh me last week and I'm taking it personally.

I'm applying to university for september 2011. I did ok in my a-levels, doing an extra year to take biology.

I'm tired all the time, maybe because of my tourette's medication, maybe because of the 500cals a day i dunno, normally I only feel this tired on less than 300. I dunno.

Thanks for my comments Sarah :)

Sunday, 15 August 2010

UP or DOWN = BANKRUPCY (ok, so it's not that bad, but shit, ovedrawn on calories and money)

I got invited to a friends for a BBQ last night, it was good. I ate. Too much. But given everything is too much what the heck!
No, that isn't really my attitude, but lets pretend the self-hatred isn't there. My head hurts from the alcohol filled jelly that I ate because it was sugar free (36 cal per pint - 473ml, and who can eat a pint) however there were about 15 units of alcohol per pint however...so not that low calorie.
My head hurts.

It's 11am and I've had 150 calories. I really want to go to Primark, I need new underwear and I want to look at the shoes. I've broken another pair of cheap sneaker/converse looking things (not from Primark) I can probably fix them though.
So? Can I persuade my Mum to drive me 20 miles? Sadly there is no direct train and it's Sunday buses are non-existent and it takes ages to get there by bus.
However I have spent SO MUCH MONEY this week. Like...almost £200...I don't know how...I just looked at my bank account...fuck I don't know how. This is the kind of thing I'm meant to speak to my psychiatrist about but I just can't. SHIT SHIT SHIT.

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Naive worries

I don't really know what to say (so shut the heck up right?!) I had a day out with my friend, it was nice, I walked a lot, I ate a bit too much but I figure I can get out of dinner and it'll be semi-ok. But now I feel really down.
Yesterday I was walking from the pool to the bus stop and this random tooth-gapped guy yelled across the river for me to "Smile!" I gave him a big grin and he said I looked lovely, I said "Thank You" and he really cheered me up. I like odd strangers that do nice things.

I made flaxseed (linseed) cookies but they don't taste that nice (because they are just flax, artificial sweetener, water, cinnamon and soya milk)well it's more the texture that is bad, but if i sieve out the husk then they are pointless. The point of them is to help me get over the whole laxative addiction thing...I figured if I was naturally going everyday without laxatives I wouldn't need the laxatives. I often take laxatives just so I can have an accurate weigh-in the next day. (I do rehydrate between.)

I'm going to a prom/dance and I don't know what to wear! A black dress with a cream lace cardigan (that comes just below the bust) with creamy gold shoes. Or a gold dress with a black waist length cardigan and black shoes? :/ I'm worried the black dress option looks too 1950's.

Friday, 13 August 2010

ohohh

I just want to eat and eat and eat. I don't know why.
I broke my routine and now everything is messy.
I ate BREAD.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Exhaustion and alcohol dilemma

I'm so exhausted and I shouldn't be, I only swam 1.5km, I walked for just over an hour and a half burning 800 calories.
I've had
2 coffee's = 80
cereal bar = 88
salad = 10
red pepper bahji= 47
squirty cream = 40

= 265

But I have to have something for dinner and go to the pub later on...all on 95 calories. eeek. Even if I order something with slim tonic/ diet coke (60cals) there is a high possibility I won't get the diet version so :/ but I dunno if I feel ok just ordering a diet coke. This would all be fine if it wasn't done in rounds and a round wasn't £40!

Monday, 9 August 2010

Sex and Drugs and...

I've been camping. It was really good, I ate and didn't feel too bad but didn't go crazy. My weight is back up to this point it seems to automatically go to if I eat again, but I can deal with that.
I drank a lot for me, but I had fun and I felt pretty normal.

We were all sleeping in one big tent as we always do, we went to bed about 3am. My friend, we went out 4 years ago...we made out, and I knew it didn't mean anything and I was thinking as it happened about how it didn't mean anything, I wasn't exactly focusing on the moment or whatever. We stopped, he got a bit upset...he's been on a few dates with this girl he really likes. She is nice (and very pretty, intelligent etc) so he felt really bad, and I felt bad. He said some really nice things about our friendship.

I don't feel sad that nothing is going to happen between us, that really isn't the issue. But I do feel worried/bad that I don't know what he is planning on telling the girl he is seeing (she's in the USA until September) and I don't want her to hate me or him to stop talking to me or something. I don't think that will happen but still.

So I still want to lose 15kg. I'm giving myself 8 weeks, the first 4 I am eating 360calories a day, swimming 20km a week, walking 5 hours and burning 400 through other things like sailing and other bits and pieces.

I am swimming 4km today and walking maybe a little over an hour I'm not sure.

My psychiatrist is away this week but I need to go to the clinic to pick up a prescription. I'm starting some tablets to help with the Tourette's. It's just hard making that decision because today they haven't been bad and I only had a few yesterday but other times they have been really really bad. It's just an experiment, to see what works so if there are times I want medication I can ask for this drug but other times I can just have tics if they aren't too bothersome.
I have a bit of an aversion to medication, I didn't use to. Mainly it's because I came to realise how drugged up I had been in hospital and how unnecessary most of it was. Now I'm a bit scared of how it will make me feel.

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

18+ 1 = camping

My birthday was good, really good. I had 3 drinks instead of one so I had 1490 calories, but it was good and I don't really mind that I went over!
Everything about it was really good, I got a radio from my parents and some money from my grandparents.

It was just really really good...too much to write about just now because I am...

Going camping! I'm quite apprehensive about it, it's raining in a hot summer storm way AND the people I'm camping with include the guy I had an argument with after the BBQ on Thursday so :S
There is also the possibility that they will have got me a birthday cake or something errrrrrghHHH.

I'm such an ungrateful child...I mean adult.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

eighteen

I'm eighteen today, I'm letting myself have 1000 calories.
So far I've had
coffee - 30
biscuit- 90
vegan parmesan- 20
juice- 40

I think I'm having cake before I go out which will be 200 which leaves 620, 300 for dinner at Wagamama's Yasai Yaki soba, 200 for a alcoholic drink (I can now get ID'd!) and 120 left for during the day when my friend wants to eat and I have to get a drink or something?

Should work. Ok...presents :S :D !

Sunday, 1 August 2010

Routine

I need to get back into my routine, it's going to be disrupted this week because of my birthday and...camping.

Tomorrow I want to go swimming for 2 hours, go shopping for something I feel comfortable wearing on my birthday, go to the wholefood shop and I have a 3pm psych appointment.

If I get the 10.20 bus I get to the pool in time to swim from 11ish. If I get out at 1pm then I have 2 hours to get changed, shop and walk to the clinic?

I feel really huge, my stomach hurts so so much from laxatives and the little bit of purging today.

I'm going to have a soup (50cal) tomorrow before I swim, then cucumber (5cal) when I get home at 5pm, then I have 145 cals for dinner.

I love Mondays, my routine comes back. I hate weekends I need to change them but I don't swim at the weekend because it doesn't work with the pool timetable and buses but I need to do more, I just drift through the days.

I'm dreading my psych appointment, I agreed to talk about something that I really don't want to...I don't know what to do.

The plan on my birthday is to go to london, go shopping, see a play, go and eat, have a drink, come home.
However, I had planned on being at a much lower weight by now, so I don't really want to buy myself clothes from the shop I wanted to go to (kinda expensive for me). I want to go to Wagamamas so I can have yasai yaki soba which is just under 300 calories. The lowest cocktails are mojito (210) or cosmopolitan (200) but I really wanted something mroe fruity...I had this pineapple juice one once. Or we could just go to a normal bar and have malibu and pineapple which I really like, its like 200 aswell...hmmm.
I guess normal people would have breakfast and or a snack lunch too.
So if I have 300 dinner, 200 drink, 200 'snack' lunch ?! then I have 300 left if the issue of cake arises...

calmer i think

I got rid of the ice cream, mainly straight down the toilet, only a little via my stomach and up again...
I've cleared out from my mum's room, my room is now even more of a tip but I feel a bit better coming downstairs.
Because of how our house is I never go in my mum's room, her room and my brother's is on a different floor to mine so I just never go in that bit of the house, I guess it's kinda weird to just not go in part of your house...but I don't.

Anyway I'm feeling better and more organised and...I'm ok about the week until Wednesday :S I don't know how I'm going to deal with camping. I told them I'd be there for dinner :O so my plan is to be awake from my birthday in time to go swimming, come home by 3pm, pack and cycle down to camp by dinner...

So I don't actually know when I'm going to see my family for my Birthday...I'm going out at 9am on my birthday until about 11.30pm then Wednesday I'll be up to go out at 10 or 11am...

I think my grandparents are coming over...they might just have to wait until the weekend. That'd be best really...or not bother. I don't really have a relationship with my grandparents.
I actually want to go downstairs and eat the remaining 1200 calories of ice cream. Why? So it's not there to taunt me. But there are always going to be foods I don't want to be around around, I can't eat all of them! I can't throw it away..I just have to DEAL with it.
My parents are going to be home in about 6 hours. I need to tidy up and move my stuff out of their room into my room. I need to get my head back to normal.

I haven't lost any weight in the whole time they've been away. I could have lost 4kg. FAILURE. I'm so disgusted with myself. But when I'm disgusted with myself I just want to eat the ice cream, not because it makes me feel comforted or whatever but because it makes me feel sick and even more disgusting and that is what I deserve.

Tomorrow I have 2oo calories to use, I'm back to my 40 day plan...but I'm over halfway through and I haven't lost anything. Have I really destroyed my body so much that I can't lose weight?

I don't know how to cope next week

Monday: 200 and 2 hour swim (fine)
Tuesday: 1000, birthday, lots of walking (hopefully fine)
Wednesday: 50, meant to be eating dinner at camp, I might be able to swim (not doable, I'll have to eat more than 50 calories, and they want to get me drunk...I don't want to go)
Thursday: 100, at camp, not doable again...have to have 2-3 meals :S
Friday: 200 at camp...have to eat at least once.
Saturday and Sunday: 200 but no exercise, I might be going to a party/ gig on Sunday, I dunno.

So I have 1850 calories for the whole week, I guess I can change when I eat them but whatever I'm going to use more :S and burn less...I don't know what to do.

After tomorrow I'm not seeing my Psych again until the 16th. On the 19th is the date I'm meant to be x-15kg...not going to happen. I would have to lose 1.26kg (2.7lbs) per day, every day.

However...if over the next 18 days I consume 6000 calories (average 333.3 rec per day). From 1500 that is a daily deficit of 1166. And I can burn 16700 (average 927 per day)

1166 x 18 = 20988 - 6000 +16700
= 31688
/ 3500
= 9lbs
= 4kg

humph...that kinda sucks, but it could be more than that...I hope.


This is my life...calculations and failure.