Tuesday, 31 August 2010

6:25 am

I woke up at 5:20 this morning planning the meals for when I go hiking in Wales with friends next week. I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up but it's so early!
I'm going to Oxford with my parents and little brother today, we come back tomorrow but goodness THE FOOD!
Lunch today will be out or a picnic, dinner will be out (I'm hoping at Noodle Nation...but even that will be about 400calories :S
The tomorrow my mum wants to order breakfast at the hostel but it's £4.95 for all you can eat, I think I'll tell her it's not worth the money for me to eat there and have a machine coffee and a cereal bar or something, then lunch...except I'm planning on going off on my own by then. Then I think we'll get home around dinner time and I can be 'too tired'???
Even so there is no way I can stick to 500 calories (given I've already had 117 at 7am...) and I wanted to be down another kilo (2.2lbs) by Friday. :'(

Telling my psych stuff has made everything so much harder. I feel like now I've said how I feel and what I really do around food (that I'm not sticking to my meal plan anymore) that I really have to prove that and lose at least 5lbs by Monday when I see her next.
She said she had to go away and think...she has never had to go away and think before, I don't know what she's going to say.

I'm scared of so much stuff. Scared of food, scared of weight, scared of people. I feel way to fat to be talking about 'my eating disorder' my BMI isn't even currently anorexic because I gained, I gained for my fucking psych and now I feel so much worse because she made me cry and tell her...........................................................
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.............................It isn't really her fault.


It's mine.

4 comments:

  1. :( I hope things start looking up for you.
    <3

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  2. Oh, and to reply to your comment, 10kg in just over 3 weeks. Hopefully it's possible?

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  3. I'm scared of almost everything too.
    I wish you all the best with everything.
    I'm always here for you.

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  4. stay strong - hope it works out. i've read some of your blog and you're doing so well! compare yourself to me and you'll feel better - www.thequestforaskinnyme.blogspot.com
    xx

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