I actually want to go downstairs and eat the remaining 1200 calories of ice cream. Why? So it's not there to taunt me. But there are always going to be foods I don't want to be around around, I can't eat all of them! I can't throw it away..I just have to DEAL with it.
My parents are going to be home in about 6 hours. I need to tidy up and move my stuff out of their room into my room. I need to get my head back to normal.
I haven't lost any weight in the whole time they've been away. I could have lost 4kg. FAILURE. I'm so disgusted with myself. But when I'm disgusted with myself I just want to eat the ice cream, not because it makes me feel comforted or whatever but because it makes me feel sick and even more disgusting and that is what I deserve.
Tomorrow I have 2oo calories to use, I'm back to my 40 day plan...but I'm over halfway through and I haven't lost anything. Have I really destroyed my body so much that I can't lose weight?
I don't know how to cope next week
Monday: 200 and 2 hour swim (fine)
Tuesday: 1000, birthday, lots of walking (hopefully fine)
Wednesday: 50, meant to be eating dinner at camp, I might be able to swim (not doable, I'll have to eat more than 50 calories, and they want to get me drunk...I don't want to go)
Thursday: 100, at camp, not doable again...have to have 2-3 meals :S
Friday: 200 at camp...have to eat at least once.
Saturday and Sunday: 200 but no exercise, I might be going to a party/ gig on Sunday, I dunno.
So I have 1850 calories for the whole week, I guess I can change when I eat them but whatever I'm going to use more :S and burn less...I don't know what to do.
After tomorrow I'm not seeing my Psych again until the 16th. On the 19th is the date I'm meant to be x-15kg...not going to happen. I would have to lose 1.26kg (2.7lbs) per day, every day.
However...if over the next 18 days I consume 6000 calories (average 333.3 rec per day). From 1500 that is a daily deficit of 1166. And I can burn 16700 (average 927 per day)
1166 x 18 = 20988 - 6000 +16700
humph...that kinda sucks, but it could be more than that...I hope.
This is my life...calculations and failure.