Thursday, 30 September 2010

Sorry 3 posts in one day...
Anyway, I burnt all 925calories, well supposedly. Now I just have to get out of dinner...

Fellow bloggers, you keep me sane, I thank you!

A proper post

Inspired by F*ckedUpAppendix
I decided to do a proper update post, though I can't promise mine will be as positive as hers!

So I binged this morning, 925calories. That was a total screw up and I'm hating myself. I've also only lost 0.7kg over the past 20 days when I should have lost 4kg.
Tomorrow (Friday) until Sunday I'm sailing. I won't be able to binge, purge or particularly restrict. Which sucks because I am meant to have lost another 3.5kg by next Thursday and I need to restrict to 200 or 300 calories a day to do that...
I really hope sailing is good, I can't remember how to do anything AND I'm sailing a new boat :S it's a big boat, it sleeps 8 people I think so it's not like I'll be alone or anything just feel like an idiot.

So I am meant to be -4kg on Thursday the 7th and for every kilo I haven't lost I have to go 10 minutes late to my appointment which is 60 minutes long. So at the moment I have to go 43 minutes late :S
SO I have Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to lose as much weight as possible which means only eating dinner and a cereal bar each day and I have college all day Monday and Wednesday and Swimming Tuesday. I think I can probably lose 2kg? Then I only have to go 20minutes late...

So my BMR is about 1450calories
1450 x 3 = 4350
- 300 / day for food
= 3450
+ 410 (walking)
+ 900 (swimming)
= 4760

4760/3500 = 1.36lbs

So according to my calories in calories out I should only lose 1.36lbs but I always lose more than the calculation says.
According to I should lose 0.6kg but whenever I've done it before Monday-Thursday I've lost 2-2.5kg.

Goodness I hope so, I really need to go to this session, but I have to punish myself for eating so much.

So positive things. Urem
I went out last night and ate at a friends and watched a film and was 'normal'.
I've done most of my university application
I chatted to quite a few people at college yesterday
I'm alive
I didn't have nightmares after watching 28 weeks later!
I binged...and what's worse I want more.

2 mini pastries - 150
almond biscuits- 250
coffee- 50
croissant with apricot conserve - 190
digestive biscuit - 70

...I think that was it? =710

I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to puke......I want to eat.

Wednesday, 29 September 2010


It was a good evening, but pushed my total for today's calories to 965...
Watched 28 weeks later, got scared. Going to bed to have nightmares!

Tuesday, 28 September 2010


So far today I'm on 240 calories however I have to have dinner which is sausages (I'll have 1) which will be 120? They are chipolatas but quite long... uhum.
That is with potatoes? I think which I'll have to have some of and veggies which I want to have some of. I think I can do this for 24o. Totalling 480. Ack! It is mashed potato!
HOWEVER I wanted to only have 300 today, but I first mucked it up by baking and tasting the mix and then by not going out this evening meaning I eat with the family (which is a bit of a mess right now...maybe more on that later).

Tomorrow, I have college until 6pm (ouff!) and then I'm going to a friend's for MEXICAN and DRINKS. FML I want to socialise but ack. It is takeaway I super unhealthy though I will get to choose my food. I've never had mexican takeaway. I've had Fajitas and Tapas. I like Tapas because it's like mini-meals and no one can tell how much you've eaten.

I don't know how it is takeaway though, there isn't one in our town...must be supermarket Fajitas. I can't have dairy so no sour cream and I won't have Guacamole so the worst part is the sauce and the WRAP, wraps are awful, they don't fill you up they don't have a huge volume but they are about 180-200 calories a peice eurgh!

Still, must socialise Eloise, must feign a life and create an existence.

Thanks for all the comments, they really mean a lot (it's like getting letters everyday!) xxx

Oh and I swam 2km.

Saved By The Scale

I'm 1kg down from yesterday :) so it was just water. PHEW!

Monday, 27 September 2010

Things can improve - a positive post!

I actually had quite a good day.

skinny mini pancake (just a really thin, really small pancake with sweetner and not fried in oil) - 30
alpen light apple bar - 59
2 rice cakes - 34
2 soya latte - 180
machine v.small coffee -90
1/6th of a mini pizza -100
= 493

FINALLY a day under 500. I feel back in the swing of things. I met up with a friend after college hence all the coffee. She's invited me round for dinner and cocktails on Wednesday, which is lovely but...CALORIES! I'm hoping I can avoid too much food and save up some calories tomorrow?

Tomorrow I only have to swim, read and do a bit of studying so I don't really need to eat much? I could maybe have 300 then I have a few hundred spare for this dinner on Wednesday.

I have my first biology practical assessment on Wednesday :S and a test next Monday. I got 92% on some homework :)

It was really nice to see my friend though, and then go on all the forums and just catch-up with things :) I just hope I've lost something tomorrow?! I really wanted to lose 2-3kg this week but I'm doing a sail race this weekend so I have to eat dinner on Friday, all day Saturday and Breakfast and Lunch on Sunday...


I f*ucking gained the weight I lost recently I can't believe it :'( it's only a little bit, it could be water or food in me OR it could be the fact the past week every day has ended over 500 calories...

This is a lesson children
  1. Anorexia, bulimia whatever. It fucks with your metabolism and if it does that for over 4 years then you end up like me.
  2. Don't ever EVER try to recover for someone else, it doesn't work and then you try to lose but due to lesson 1 (See above) you can't lose.

*cries in a fit of rage*

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Well I'm over on calories, about 200 over. 700 in total I think but I burnt about 300 shopping and jumping jacks...not that they really count as 'exercise' but it's something.
I didn't get either the coat or the jumper :( they didn't have them in the store I went to. I got some black leather boots for less than £20 though (the blessing of child size feet).
I don't feel too bad, tired though.
I have an offer to meet up with a friend who hasn't gone to university this year either, tomorrow. This will involve food, she's Italian haha, and thinner than me at the moment. I wanted to eat 300 calories tomorrow so I can lose 2kg by Friday. Uh Oh, but I need to keep in touch with friends otherwise life will feel meaningless.
It's only 8pm and I feel like it's 10 or 11pm I want to sleep.

A something day

It's 10:10am I've had 100 calories. I'm waiting for my mum to get up so we can go's really windy and rainy and cold.
I want to cry and scream and rip myself to pieces with my fingernails and a blade. I have no idea why, I haven't cut since I turned 18 (I don't think).

I'm just stressing about university application I think, and not seeing my psych for 3 weeks (half way through that)

hey followers, thanks for all the comments, I really do appreciate them x

Saturday, 25 September 2010

A nothing day. 400 calories, I slept late, I've done no work, I've done nothing not even a jumping jack when I need to do 500. The house is too busy, well full of sitting, quite people who are always tired, always ill or depressed. This is my family. This is my family today.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping, I have vouchers for 30% off at GAP and I need a new coat. They have a bright red children's one I might get if it is warm enough.
I want this jumper too it'll be £10.50 with 30% off but it depends on if I get the coat or not money wise. They are both children's wear which is pretty large in GAP and no tax :D
It'll be so nice to go out too, I feel trapped in this house at the weekends.

On a side note, I read some of a book today, which means I really concentrated, I haven't read in so long.

Friday, 24 September 2010

Full moon?!

So full moon makes you bloat :O thanks for that Wendy! I feel a little less bad now.

I went swimming, I only swam 44 lengths, that is 1.5km, I walked for about 90 minutes and I've done 100 jumping jacks, I need to do another 100. I've eaten 718 calories.

Money is stressing me out at the moment, £110 for a sailing race, £60 to get the train there and back. Normally the train would cost me £14 off-peak return but because on the way there I have to travel peak times (morning rush hour) and due to rail-works on the way back I need to travel via mounts up.


I feel so fat, so huge, so disgusting. 650 calories. A huge huge high weight.
Fat stomch
Fat thighs
I got told I had an arse on me yesterday...

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Nothing to Report

I've been eating too much, throwing it up, spinning in circles, swimming.
I feel like my life is empty
because it is bursting
at the seams
with things to do
I can't succeed in them all.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

The Aftermath aka bloating and doing the dishes

OK, so last night I had 4 friends over for dinner (paella if you're wondering) it was cool, I ate 50 cals in the day and around 700? (absolute max) so 750 isn't terrible, breaks the rules though right, that is an extra 250 jumping jacks.
Anyway it was a nice evening...sorry I was going to write loads and then I just lost motivation.

I saw my tutor yesterday morning, I had to tell her everything that is wrong with me so she can write a reference for university that says despite missing loads of school she's been through all this stuff and has done very well considering blabhblah. It was a bit embarrassing and depressing but she was really nice about it.

I just realised I can touch type.

My classes were really good yesterday, interesting and easy, except I told the girl I sit next to how to do the homework wrong and I don't have any contact details for her so I feel a bit guilty :S

Today I need to write my personal statement ahhh. Like in full, I have about 150 words and I need about 600. I'm also going swimming.

Oh I lost weight, only 0.2kg but yeh :)

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Today was ok, I didn't really do much, just hung around alone at home. My friend called me, I cried down the phone at her about my health, she wants me to book a doctors appointment. I don't think I can, not at this weight, I'm going to wait a few weeks.

I'm going to lose again. I want to be back to 46kg (101lbs) 17.3 BMI by mid November. It is a slow loss, less than 1kg (2.2lbs) a week. Like walking down a steep hill and trying not to run.

I ate about 700 calories today. I've agreed to meet up with some people from PT in November, I'm a bit worried about it, the meets I've been to before haven't been very good, I hope this is better.

My goals for the next week are:
  1. Eat 500cals everyday
  2. Swim at least twice
  3. Draft my personal statement (by Wednesday)
  4. Lose 1kg
  5. Go out on Wednesday night to see people before they leave for university

It stops the internal-combustion that is my heart....

My heart is playing with me today, too fast, too slow, all lying here under a blanket. This was meant to stop, meant to return to a gentle ta-tum-ta-tum when the weight came on.

So to fill my empty day QUESTIONS!

if you could have a place in 3 places around the world where would they be and why?
Well I haven't been to that many places SO, at the moment it would be Paris maybe the western suburbs a bit out of the city but not so far I can't be there in 20minutes, or right on Boulevard Hausmann which is one over from av. champs de elysees.
One place in Oxford because it is beautiful, everyone rides bicycles
And one place in North London.

They are all places I want to raise me children (that I maybe can't have, I

which 3 celebrities would you like to have as friends and why?
Ruby Wax and Jo Brand, because they are funny, crazy and Jo used to be a psych nurse :P
I really dunno, I've never thought about it mainly because I just don't. Maybe Kaya Scelodarioojddijioajid the one that played Effy in Skins, she is HOT and yeh.
But only if we were genuinely friends.

what is the best compliment you have ever received?
I don't really know, I often don't believe compliments but the other week my dad said I was the best swimmer in the pool and that was great :D

Saturday, 18 September 2010


Sorry for the anyone reading anyway. Amy did a blog with loads of questions so I wondered if anyone wanted to know anything about me that I haven't told you already. I'm not really sure how much I have told you...
So feel free to ask questions.

I'm still cold, I'm really not looking forward to winter. I made a skirt this morning but can't be bothered to do the hem...
I bought some boots on ebay but they are too big :( waster £15 there!


I am freezing.
I took a lot of laxatives yesterday, I've 'lost' a kilo (2.2lbs) only it isn't real weight it's just...poo...
I ate a bagel this morning but the laxatives are still working so...yah
I can't feel my toes

Friday, 17 September 2010

bad day

I missed the bus to the pool...
I felt really down...thought about crap, tried to call my psych but she'd already left the clinic for the day and will be away the next 2 weeks.
I've eaten too much.
I'm freezing and tired.

I need to write about 600 words on why I want to study psychology and why I am great and why they should let me go to university and I don't know why I want to study psychology, and I don't think I can put anything down on paper.

Sorry I'm so moany today.


808 calories and it's only midday. I flipped and went the other way from yesterday because I just don't know what I'm even trying to do anymore.

Thursday, 16 September 2010


I don't know how I feel about it. 500 calories, it's been going down and down all week. I think it's great but I think its 'naughty', I feel like I could, should be eating less.
Someone tell me what to do.


I had therapy this morning, we didn't really talk about anything except university. This is mainly because I banned talking about food and weight this session...which she went along with. My psych is away for the next two weeks, so my next appointment is the first full week of October...21days. I really want to lose...I could lose 4kg or more even by then. I don't know what to do.

I went swimming after my session but I only swam for 40minutes, I normally do 120minutes :( I walked for 1hour 10 minutes. I need to do some night exercises today...I've already had 200 calories, I feel so guilty because it's from a drink and chocolate biscuits :( :( :(

I need to do my homework in a bit, I don't have a desk at home so it makes it kinda awkward to do homework...

I do have the time to do everything, I have no reason to panic.

Thanks for the comments guys, I am trying to reply to your blogs, I got my sleeping meds today so I should be sleeping better and thus have more energy soon.

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

An exhausting (half) week

Well its only the end of Wednesday but it's the end of my college week, it has been exhausting.
Monday goes:
  1. 10:45- 13:00 1st year labs,
  2. 14:15- 17:00 2nd year labs
Wednesday goes:
  1. 10:45-13:00 2nd year labs,
  2. 13:30-14:30 university application
  3. 15:15 -18:00 1st year labs
I feel huge, my BMI is 20 and I'm going to maintain that until the end of the month when I'm going to lose again.
Why maintain only to lose? To give my brain a chance, to give it a chance to go 'hey this body isn't terrible, food isn't a catastrophe'. But my brain hasn't 'clicked' and said that yet, and I doubt it ever will...still I'm trying.

However...not trying that hard, I'm still restricting to a fair bit less than 1000, limiting the chances of my brain 'clicking'.

College is going ok, 2nd year is
currently easier than 1st year. Just to explain, I'm doing a two year course in one year thus I attend 1st and 2nd year classes. It is ok, but there is a lot I don't understand, I don't think I'll get an A yet my teacher thinks I should apply to Oxford, I don't know what to do. I LOVE Oxford, the place, their psychology course, the manner in which it is taught in...everything. But I don't think I can get in. I can't write my personal statement (a 600 word piece on why you want to study your subject and why you are great generally). I get the tone wrong, I run out of things to say. And this is all before the interview which is all before the fact I WILL NOT GET AN A IN BIOLOGY. So slim-to-none chances. But I still want to try...

I have therapy tomorrow. I hate having therapy when I haven't lost weight. I am getting melatonin to help my sleep :D I may one day have some energy. I don't know what to say...I don't know what to wear (one of my biggest struggles!!!)

I tried to take a photo of myself for this, but my phone won't connect to the PC grrr, I'll try again in future :)

Love you all, and thanks to those who check in on me, I really appreciate it (prettydesperate and the rest) x

Sunday, 12 September 2010


Back from Wales, it kinda sucked...because it rained all the time! There was also this really stupid really pervy guy there who just leered over me all weekend.
I went Gorge scrambling, I dunno if you can google it but it was AWESOME!
I made it halfway up a mountain but I have this thing where I hold my breath when I'm stressed (pervy guy) and that makes it hard to get up a mountain so I came down with my brother and we went to a cafe. It was really nice spending time with my brother :)
So so so glad to be home though I have horrible spots and eurgh!
I don't THINK I've gained, but I haven't weighed myself...

My aunt died...she was only in her 40's and she just dropped dead on Saturday morning, they don't know why yet. I don't really feel anything, I didn't really know her, she is (was?) my mum's step-sister. But her daughters are only 17 and 15, there dad is in remission from cancer. So don't be sorry for me or anything, I'm just really sorry for them and my Grandad (well step-grandad)


Thursday, 9 September 2010

I leave for Wales in an hour, it's a comprimise, I'm going but only staying until Sunday so I don't miss college on Monday and feel mega guilty about missing the first proper lesson.
Yesterday's induction at college went really bad, I cried, I got told I couuld leave early so I forgot my jacket....we had a mini test and I said higher ratio instead of lower ratio...dumbassssss.

Anyway this time tomorrow morning I'll be climbing and abseiling.

Love to you all xxx

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

I just had a calm breakfast binge

half a soup - 25cals
a bite of cake- 40cals
2 chocolate Viennese whirls- 268
cornflakes- 100
blackcurrant- 37

= 470

so in theory I have 30 calories left today...

I went to a party/gathering last night, it was ok..well I wasn't ok but :/ politics and people being on government benefit money came up and it just pissed me off how people were slagging them basically slagging my family and parents off. I didn't say that much but I went to the toilet later on and the girls in the kitchen just went quiet as I walked past then I heard one say "there is nothing like the person you're bitching about coming up behind you" gah.
This is the group of people I'm going to Wales with and it's just put me in a bad mood for it and now I've binged and shit...

It's also grey and raining and generally miserable. I've had 6 hours sleep and my vision is fuzzy I'm so tired.

Today I have to:

Shop for Wales
Pack for Wales
Go to college
Call my psych
Go to a meeting

So I leave tomorrow at 10ish until Monday, so no posts or comments from me for awhile. :(

I feel so alone.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Cooking kills hunger (JUST DON'T EAT IT)

Not even a taste, not even a taste, not even a taste

The thoughts running through my head as I made flapjacks (oats, butter and syrup 'cakes') they've gone a bit wrong :/ I dunno what to do with them but they aren't hard enough...eek.

but still... not even a taste, and feel so full I feel sick.

I have to eat dinner with a friend...she knows about my ED, she knew before I did if that makes sense. The first time I got anorexia I didn't even know what a calorie was, I didn't weigh myself that often, I just didn't eat but I lost 60lbs (27kg).
I know I'm going to have a plain jacket potato (no butter) with a tap water or diet coke which is about 150 calories.

So far today I swam 2km, walked for 1hr 10 minutes and I'll walk for another hour today.

At the moment I'll be on 400 calories but I'll probably count it as 500 once I've written everything down and accurately worked out the calories etc.

I have college (last part of high school) tomorrow, only for about 2 hours but so scared. It's my third year there but normally people just do 2 years I just changed my university plans and now need to take science. So a lot of my classes will be with people in their 1st year there who are 16-17 mainly. But you get a lot of people coming to college who are older or dropped out of secondary's like the English version of the American community college only not for post-high school kinda like doing your GED but we actually do the same exams as all other English schools. So...not really comparable to the US at all! hey I try...
I have no idea about Australia though I'm afraid!

9 followers :O

Amy: I'm not forced to go to see my psych, I actually get on really well with her its just this one topic really bugs me.

Anyway, I lost half a kilo yesterday :D I'm trying to find the motivation to go swimming and to pack for going to Wales. I go Thursday until Friday to camp, walk, climb, abseil and stuff like that...oh and the weather forecast? RAIN! Typical..!

I bought plate, mug and bowl yesterday to eat off of whilst camping. They are so cool haha, it's a child's plate and it has a fairy on it called 'flower petal the fairy' ALSO mega bonus of them being plastic children's plates (aside from not breaking) is that they are small! So I can't be served too much food, wayhey!!! They also won't get stolen which is what happened to my proper camping plates as well...who wants 'flower petal the fairy'??? I could have got 'football star' ones but I decided to be girly as I never had girl things when I was little.

Tomorrow I have to do a massive food shop for 9 people camping for 4 1/2 days...eeeekk it is my element though, all the foods I WON'T eat, the food labels to read...:)

Monday, 6 September 2010


Well bar my psych appointment today has been pretty OK:

I had a (little) loss when I weighed myself
I went swimming, did 3km and walked for 2 hours.
I've had almost exactly 500 calories.

However...psych officially sucked, she was asking so many questions about where the ED came from, trying to work out why I'm like this. I didn't say it has simply become what I do, a need and a habit. It is more than that, it tells me my body is mine. It does so much for me, I know that is a really screwed up way to view it but it does.
She also wanted to talk about doing this EMDR therapy.
I really don't think it would work for me given I don't actually have flashbacks of the rape or anything so :/
So yeh I have to call her on Wednesday to say how I am doing and book another appointment. Sessions have just sucked recently.

Thanks for the comments everyone :)

Sunday, 5 September 2010


I feel cheated like a little child! We're not going swimming, my parents have to do work...and given I don't drive I'm stuck here, avoiding the beer festival because I'm having tics like crazy.
I'm on 387calories now, so nothing until a small dinner :S

I'm so so so bored and my dad is going to be using the computer all afternoon. i don't know what to do! I might sew but then I'm right next to my Dad and that will bug him...eurgh.

I'm such a child.

Oh I made oat and raisin cookies for my family, I ate some of the mix, hence the balloon in calories...I feel pretty guilty but I want them to be nice or else they won't eat them :/!

Sunday is almost Monday

The good news: I might be going swimming today :D I can't normally swim at the weekend because the buses are bad but my Dad and little brother might be going. 1 problem is however I'm still getting (TMI) laxative effects.

The bad news: my scales are inaccurate :( I weighed 00.3 kg then I went to the loo and weighed 00.5kg ?! (obviously I don't weigh 00kg I'm just not telling you guys my weight)
So now I'm only going to know my weight if my psych weighs me :( and obviously that is with SOME clothing on (like underwear and shirt) so it's not a perfect weight either.

So far today I've had:
1 litre blackcurrant cordial - 87 (damn non sugar free, need to shop)
coffee cake slither- 100

I need to eat an apple before I swim and just to be healthy :P hha...HEALTH, my hair is falling out again even though I've been eating 500 calories, clearly not the right sources of calories.

Saturday, 4 September 2010

wishing it wasn't the weekend

so...i have to have dinner, it's chicken. I asked for it not to be curry, I can't deal with a calorie overload and coconut milk.
I just want it to be Monday. It's this beer festival in my town this weekend but I can't bear to leave the house. I'm so lame.

Thank You for the calming Ivy :) it's just it's the third high calorie day in a row...

I want it to be Monday so bad.


I don't know what is wrong with me I've eaten:

3 mini danish - 225
2 bread an apricot conserve- 140
a ginger-nut- 45
a digestive biscuit- 62
blackcurrant- 18
crisps- 131

= 621 and it's 10:30 AM I normally eat 500 per day...

I want to purge but I can't, I had a dream about purging in hospital last night. I feel disgusting, my skin looks disgusting. I'm not eating for the rest of the day, I'm going to be 'ill'. I hate myself.

Friday, 3 September 2010


GAHHH the bus was 25 minutes late and the pool closed half an hour early so I only swam 2km!!! AND when I got home I had to eat baked cod, peas and only came to 250 but that makes today's total SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY. yuck.
and I've burnt 844 supossedly, i hate trusting the internet for calories burnt. I have a really good canadian fitness PDF and you work it out yourself so I feel better about that than 'the most accurate calories burnt estimator' site which would say I've burnt 1300 today!!!

I don't know what to call this :)

today is actually going ok, I'm on 270 cals and it's 3pm. I'm going swimming this evening 4.30-6.30 I think, but I'm trying to up my sprint swimming as I've got my distance and technique quite good now.
Last Monday I went swimming with my Dad and little brother and my Dad said I was a good swimmer, I actually believe him, not like when I get any other compliment.

Today is also good because for the first time in a few weeks I have ENERGY so I haven't had to nap. I'm starting to feel a bit sleepy now but I'm going to get the bus in 30 minutes then when I get to the pool I take pro plus (caffeine pills) before I swim for the 2 hours.

I made a pair of levi's into a skirt this morning, it looks ok it's just a bit big and so it kinda hangs off my hips which makes it a bit longer than I'd planned. But oh well.

I haven't weighed myself since Tuesday...I'm aiming to lose a kilo every 5 days, sometimes I lose a little more than that but I really don't think I managed it the past 5 days. Today is a day 2 so day 5 is Monday which is when I'm seeing my psych...I think she might start weighing me again as she noticed I'd lost last session and then all the conversation and crying about food.
I really don't want her to weigh me...I might refuse, I don't know how she'd react. My old Doctor used to get really angry even though I always tricked his scale so he thought my BMI was 18-19, I really don't see why he got so pissed off!!!

My lovely lovely friend is home from her holiday, she's been away for two weeks. However...she doesn't actually live near me and we've never met in person, she knows more about my life than anyone though...

Thursday, 2 September 2010

too much food

erugh...fuck fuck fuck too much food. I'm going to have to swim so far and so fast tomorrow.


So I spent today and yesterday in Oxford with my parent and little brother. This meant eating out and no swimming, I also couldn't do my night exercise as I shared a room with my brother.

BUT yesterday went really well and I walked for 3 hours

today not so good, too many calories but I walked for 2 hours and stood up and wandered around for 3 other hours.

I spent WAY too much money...

But it was ok and I hung out with my little brother which was cool.