Sunday, 31 October 2010

Day 5 of 5

Well I'm not the weight I wanted to be at the end of these 5 days but I am down 2lbs :) its not AT ALL my lowest weight ever I'm about 40lbs to heavy for that and I never want to be that almost-dying weight again anyway. But it's the lowest I've been on THIS weight-loss mission. And that feels nice even though I still feel huge.
I had carrot sticks and a bit of a teaspoon of hummus {houmous} for breakfast, oh and a cereal bar at 4am this morning putting me at about 110calories (my cereal bar had 60 calories!)
I hate that weight changes my mood so much but I'm so glad to have lost. I just don't look forward to the days when I haven't lost or have magically gained. I need to drink more today, I haven't been drinking enough and I've been purging = not a good plan.


I think I might be getting more hair, fur, on my back, I've had it before however it's crazy at this weight! I'm not even currently underweight let alone emaciated! I'm 20lbs away from so called emaciation. I'll have to wait and see if more grows or if it is just downy hair that I've only just noticed.

Might go swimming today, though maybe not, the pool closes in 2 and a half hours and my family is pretty slow getting anywhere.

I have to go back to college tomorrow, I have NOT done enough work :/ I also have my entrance exam for Oxford on Wednesday, I'm so scared!

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Day 4 post 2

350 calories including a 'charge' for binging and purging.

Burnt 400 calories on a massive bike ride and 150 for walking.

I have to have dinner though, chicken, salad and a few little potatoes, which isn't too bad and I can just fill up on lettuce.

It'll be ok, now more binging and purging, no more.

My love to you all <3

Day 4 (of 5)

So I binged and purged twice yesterday and once this morning (it's only 10:30am) I feel huge and disgusting and indeed like a failure.
So this spurs off another desire not to eat.

I don't know what to do today, I can't concentrate on anything except online things for very long and this is a family computer...so unfortunately I can't spend all day on it!

I need to do a lot more college work.


Apologies for being so boring, thanks for all the comments you really stop me feeling quite so insane xxx

Friday, 29 October 2010

Day 3 Post 2

I really REALLY want to binge and purge...I don't know what to do. I've already done it once today...fuck fuck FUCK.

Day 3: Uh oH the scale is broken

So I haven't weighed this morning. I had psych this morning, it was a much better session HOWEVER the Psychology Sevices (Adult) won't except a referral from the Children's Mental Health Services I have to be referred to Adult mental health services first then referred to Psychology Services. Eurgh. And then its all IF they accept my referral!
My psych is also 'concerned about my physical health' as my vision has been really bad, she tried to get me to eat in the session but I said no and I haven't passed out :)

I think I have to eat dinner with my family today which sucks I only wanted to use 140calories on dinner :/

Oh and I bought that phone only it doesn't work and I'm going to have to take it back to the shop, I HATE taking things back to shops!

Thursday, 28 October 2010

Day 2 Post 2

250 calories so far
500 calories burnt on a mammoth bike ride :D
I'm worried about dinner, I'm so hungry I'm worried I'll eat too much. There are falafel (spicy chickpea balls) in the fridge..I really want one but they are 77 calories each.
Technically I have 50 calories for dinner which would be a cuppa soup but there is no way I'll be allowed to do that :(

Comments:
Thanks for all the cold comments, I hope it gets better too!
f*ckedUpAppendix I love the phone too!! And yesh it is the one that comes in green and yellow or something like that.
Kristina I don't think it quite rivals a blackberry and I won't use it for internet anyway (I hate that the screen is so small!)

Perfect Lie
and Mich thanks for commenting, I really appreciate it and Perfect Lie thanks so much for changing your blog just for me!!!



*Post 2.1*
8:47pm I think I've decided not to have dinner? I didn't eat with my family and 9pm is too late for dinner right? And I'm not hungry so...yeha I dunno I might have a salad...eurgh I don't know what to do!!!

Day 2

No weightloss :(

170 calories so far which is too many given it is only midday. I'm going swimming later though so that'll be some walking and either and an hour or so in the pool. I think I'm going with my dad otherwise I'd stay longer cold or no cold.
The cold has now spread to my chest, my mother thinks I should go to the doctors but I've had a proper cold for less than a week. If I still have the cold after two weeks then I guess that shows I'm not getting better. My defences are shiiiit.
I have so much work left to do and I'm just not doing any of it, I do about 30minutes a day :S

I'm going to buy this phone tomorrow:

It's a Samsung Genio qwerty and quite similar to my current phone just not a random French brand! It's going to cost me £60...which I semi can't afford at the moment as I have to pay car insurance (I'm learning to drive with my Dad) but yeh...going to do it anyway! Because contrary to most people's view of me I'm actually awful with money.
I'll update later on the exercise and food front.

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Day 1

I gained 6 followers overnight :) welcome!

So I haven't done any exercise yet, the plan was:
  • 500 star jumps (50cals)
  • 20 minutes cycling-exercise (170cals)
  • 1 hour walking (200cals).
I can only do star jumps in the basement or else to house shakes (it's 350 years old) but my dad is in the basement at the moment (its where the kitchen is).

Food wise its going ok, I've eaten a biscuit which was 72 calories so now I'm saving the remaining 228 for dinner.

I need to do more work, but I just have no drive! I still have this
damn cold.


LATER EDIT:
I've eaten 100 calories, done a little work and only burnt 10 calories!!!

End of the day Edit:
500 calories of food

150 star jumps- 15 cals
1/2 hour walking- 120cals
2 1/2 hours of heavy house work- 150cals
=285

500-285= 215

SO Day 1= success in net calories but would've been better if I'd eaten less than 300 calories.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.


Five Days - 300 Calories
That is the new plan, I need to just stamp out this overeating right now. And I need to lose the weight.


Binge

I binged...I'm now on exactly 1000 calories, I tried to purge but it wouldn't work (perhaps because of my cold) I've only managed to burn 200 calories of it off so far, I'll maybe make it to 500? I'm so SO angry at myself for binging...it was on the raspberry muffins I baked by the way... no more baking, my family cake make their own.
I'm going to go crazy if I don't go OUT tomorrow, I really hope I'm well enough to swim, I can breath through my nose most of the time I'm just not very energised and my head feels cloudy.I would have gone for a two hour walk to somewhere but it's raining and I'm ill and it would seem to weird to my parents. However regardless of weather tomorrow I'm getting the bus into town and DOING something.

I really miss PT...OH MY GOD IT IS WORKING AGAIN!!!
I've done some sewing and 50 star jumps but mainly I've just sat around, 350 calories and it is only 2pm I think I'll sleep through dinner, I think I need to skip it!!!
I haven't lost any weight :/ I now need to lose 1lb per day until Sunday to reach my goal which is like...fasting. I don't know how I'm going to do this.

Suggestions?

Monday, 25 October 2010

blogger is my life...

teaspoon
I'm pretty sure I can't have them, I've not had a period since March 2009 even though currently my weight is restored to a BMI of 19 and I wasn't getting them at 20 either. I want children, I just think I've destroyed my body...


Blogs are meant to be about your life, or an aspect of. My life consists of logging in to blogger to check for comments and write yet another update...
I ate dinner- mini satay 54 calories, couscous 50 calories, salad 20 calories.

I made raspberry muffins for my family earlier (I'm always baking for them :) ) and I really want one! Can't have, can't have, can't have.
So I thought I would be able to fast today but my parents stayed at home and mum has been watching me, she knows I haven't eaten much but I'm blaming it on being ill. So hopefully I can get out of dinner too...then I'll have had about 300 calories.
I really want my cold to go away so I can SWIM!!! It gives me an excuse to go out and takes up some of my deathly boring time. Obviously it also burns calories which means I lose weight!
This morning my weight was still higher than expected but down from yesterday so I'm hoping it'll be down again tomorrow. I really want to lose 2.5kg (5lbs) by Friday which I can do if I eat 300 per day and exercise but I can't SWIM DAMMIT!

I want to fast, and most of all (in case you hadn't guessed) I want to swim...even though really I'm so so tired, my hips ached so much I couldn't sleep last night, I don't know why, I don't get my periods so?

That is another thing, my Dad was joking about grandchildren, I'm pretty sure I can't have children :/

Sunday, 24 October 2010

because I have too much to say (post 3)

I'm so lame, I cancelled staying with my friend because I'll miss three days of swimming and can't deal with her (VEGAN AND HEALTHY) food.

So half-term holiday will be a week of starving and swimming and studying...

I don't have to have any food tomorrow, my parents are going to be out in the evening which is when I have to eat. However I'm already a bit dizzy from today so I'll need to have something if I'm going to swim. Which I don't know if I can do if my nose is so blocked up >:(

My phone is starting to die...but the new one I want is £60 that is $94 (US/ AUS) I do have the money but my phone hasn't actually DIED yet so I feel like its silly to buy a new one already :S but I will need a new one in the near future.

I spoke to my mum about therapy, I don't know what she thinks, I didn't mention the possibility of adult ED services, that would make the ED all too real...

a little moan (sorry in advance)

It definitely isn't my period. But oh well, it might all disappear tomorrow? I can tell from my face that I'm retaining water.

I have a cold :(

The day seems really long, it's only 3pm and this morning feels like last week though I haven't done anything. I haven't done any Biology...or Oxford prep. I'm so lazy.

Sorry this is such a boring post. Earlier I felt like I felt much more positive than I have been recently but I feel all down again now. I'm going to drop the letter to my psych into the clinic tomorrow. Whenever I do this I always hope my psych will be in reception and ask how I am so I can tell her how shit she makes me feel between sessions (I do like her, honest) but she never is and I always come away disappointed.
However the only reason I'd be going by the clinic is if I go swimming which I can't do unless my cold clears up at least a little :/
I just don't know what to do with myself, I just have no motivation.

UH OH,...again

I woke up this morning a whole kilo (2.2lbs) higher than I was expecting, I don't understand it! I took laxatives last night...after I weighed myself I took diuretics :S
I just don't get it because my clothes are so much looser and I haven't been doing anything extra to gain muscle!
The party was ok, went quicker than I expected and I held the baby :) I went over 500 calories but not in a binge way and it wasn't massively unhealthy food.

I just don't understand why I was so much higher than I expected! I also have a cold :( which sucks because I should be going swimming tomorrow.

I want to do sewing but that means printing out 50 pages of a pattern and I think my mum would murder me! I need to print out another 60 pages of practice papers...

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Uh Oh

I got up and had 330 calories...now I have to go to this Christening which isn't a christening but a 'welcome to the world party' I have 170 calories left for the whole day :'(

I haven't lost any more weight however my size 8 (US size 4?) skinny jeans are loose again :D

I wrote that letter to my psych, I'll post it today and she should get in on Monday morning.

Friday, 22 October 2010

Really bad session

I had a really bad session with my psych this morning. We were talking about minimising self harm and I just felt really bad talking about it because I think I know if I really try then I can not do it so I'm silly for saying it is hard not to.
Then we were talking about who I'm going to see after the New Year and I got really defensive and all 'I don't need to see anyone' and she said I did and then I felt like I had no control because I thought she thought I didn't NEED to see anyone. So I just shut off and stopped talking and I think she got a bit frustrated with the situation and ended the session early. I'm seeing her in a week.

I feel really bad about how it went and for being so childish, I've written her a letter but I'm not going to post it yet, some parts of it need editing because I've said rubbish stuff but yeah. Generally I feel shitty and I've done hardly any work.

coffee-20
cereal bar- 59
2x rice cake - 35
almond biscuit - 100? probably less but it did have ground almonds in.

2km swim
1 hour walk.

I feel so down, and I really want to talk to my psych and sort things out but I don't feel like I can call her (I can't until Monday anyway) because I was so bad in the session. I self-harmed straight after, not cutting, something else but I agreed in the session that I was going to try my hardest not to self-harm and I should've tried harder.

It is so cold.

It has taken 22 days to lose 1kg. That is one tenth of a pound per day.

I'm going to a family party tomorrow. I've avoided family parties for the past four years. I really don't want to go but I don't want to stay home alone either - I'll binge and purge and I can't go swimming because the pool is closed all weekend.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

broken

My little brother baked fairy cakes at school, he brought two home one for my dad and one for me...I felt obliged to eat it. It was foul...I feel sick!

Post #100!

So I'm fasting, it's going well, I don't want to eat, I feel disgusted at the idea of eating. To avoid dinner I'm going swimming and won't be home until 7:45pm but there is a possibility my Dad will do dinner for me anyway BUT my older brother is working tonight so hopefully he'll do something he knows I won't eat (like ham, egg and chips) for himself and my little brother? In fact my little brother is out tonight too! So yes hopefully I can fast all day.

I did a timed practice paper for my entrance exam to Oxford and got 78%, it's the first one I've done so I hope I improve. I need to do really well on it because ok well. Normally to get into Oxford you have to have all A's and to have gained those grades in two years of sixth form. HOWEVER my education has been screwed up because of the wonders that are anorexia, depression and hospitalisation so I've taken 3 years to do my A-levels. Because of this I need to ace the entrance exam for them to even consider interviewing me. Then I have to do well at the interview for them to give me an offer of a place, then I have to do well in this year's exams to actually accept that place!
The mark I got is dead on average for the test and I need to seem excellent...not average.
Anyway I should do some form of work, for Oxford or otherwise and then go swimming xxx

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Fasting

I've eaten way too much today. I'm not eating until 12 noon on Friday so...38 hour fast. I'll still have coffee and sugar free drinks but yeha....too many calories = fast day.

Marshmallow Wonderland

So I knew I was going to binge and decided low-ish calorie stuff was the way to go. So I binged on 6 flumps (30cal each) and 5 fruit and yoghurt bars (63 cal each) but today's total is like...1200? :S But you never know sometimes I loose after 'binge days'.

I feel really weird.

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Clinging on like a leech...

579 calories
100 lengths (1hr 30min) swim
1 hour 15 minutes walking

I confronted the clingy guy...well I texted him saying it was too much and waking up to four text from him when we've had 2 conversations is too much. However he texted back that he doesn't fancy me and I'm his only friend not to do with his degree or band...eurgh.

I should have done more studying today, the studying so far has involved finding lots of notes and printing them out...but not actually reading them or taking them in... :S I'm starting to get behind in my classes.

I didn't lose any weight yesterday, I'm hoping to have lost 0.4kg today? Which is about 1lb.

Ok I need to go memorise the cardiac cycle and get a grip on chlorophyll!

Monday, 18 October 2010

coffee-30
cereal bar- 59
crisps-94
skinny mocha-80
3 biscuits- 180
breadsticks-60
=503

so 3 over but I've still got to have dinner...which is spaghetti bolognaise

For every calorie over I lose a penny from my budget for the PT meet. So today is going to cost me £2 or £3!
Today was so hard, I didn't understand anything at college and I'm so tired.
This guy I hung out with last monday lent me some CD's but I don't want to be friends with him, he is so clingy and just goes on about his 'stalker' all the time...
I've blocked him on facebook but he still has my number and goes to the same college as me :S

I lost weight over the weekend but I still need to lose another 1.5kg (3lbs) by Friday to stick to my goal.

The eighteenth is always a really hard day of the month for me. It is my OCD number and for four years I've tried to kill myself/hurt myself on the 18th of each month. I'm not going to do anything drastic I'm not like that anymore but I will do something.

I want to talk to my psych but not for any reason, things are bad but not especially. I think I'm too dependent upon her?

How are you all? Tell me something interesting.

Saturday, 16 October 2010

2 coffees - 60
cereal bar -59
falafel -200
cake- 250
lemonade- 55
ommlette and salad- 120
squash drink - 15
SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY NINE.
I have walked for over 3 hours but still eeeeeeeeeeeeek

Friday, 15 October 2010

Ok so I am updating at my friend's house

2 cereal bars - 118
coffee- 25
salad- 20
pasta-150
sauce-150
=563

63 over I can cope I went on the dance mat and walked today. My friend HAS been reading my blog, she said she won't now but I don't know what to do, this has happened before with the same friend.
I'll catch-up with all your blogs when I get home

xxx
Thanks for all the comments guys, I really do appreciate them.I'm too scared to ask my psych if she'll keep seeing me despite my age :S
This weekend I'm staying with a friend from hospital (just the psych hospital not ED specialist) we have some of the same problems just very differently...if that makes any sense.
I hope it'll be fun and relaxing but I really don't know. Anyway I probably won't update when I'm there.
I don't think I'm going to binge and purge anymore, I just don't feel the same. This morning it's just been so easy to stick to the 'meal plan' I write for myself that is 500calories a day. I say 'meal plan' because that's what you have in hospital to GAIN weight...so I'm basically flipping anything I learned in hospital around to hurt myself. I've never had ED specific help I blew my chance at that by 1) self-harming and being uncontrollable and 2) running away within 2 hours of being at the ED unit and thus being kicked out. I've had therapy but there has always been so much going on aside from the ED it's never been focused on. Also when I was first underweight and really ill they thought the ED was because of the depression and not the other way around and by the time they realised I was thoroughly ED'd and I got tubed they were just focused on my physical health.
I've been kicked out of 3 hospitals. One ED unit, one OCD unit and one secure unit, but the secure unit was because I didn't need to be there. And I was semi asked to leave my first hospital after 5 months because I ran away so much (it's now a locked unit lol...not)
My life is so confusing, I can't remember which months I spent where in 2007, I barely remember 2008, 2009 is a bit of a blur and 2010 just disappeared.
Anyway it's time to leave, I love you all honestly you keep me on a level of some kind <3

Thursday, 14 October 2010

I had a really rough session. I cried quite a lot. I have to stop seeing my psychiatrist at the end of the year, she works with children and adolescents which technically stops at 18 and I was 18 in August so it has to stop soonish. Anyway adult services (CMHT -Community mental health team) SUCK in my area so I don't want to be referred on to them. So she was talking about referral to the adult ED service or the psychology service. However my BMI is 19.8 at the moment and I feel like that is too high to get any 'help' and I'm not sure if I want ED specific WEIGHT specific help. I just want to talk to someone who talks back. So now I'm even more desperate to lose weight. Is that crazy?
I need to lose about 30lbs, I always need to lose 30lbs dammit.

So today:
225 - coffee and three cereal bars
50- americano with soya on the side
300- very small beef casserole
= 575

2km swim
2 hours walking

*Puts foot down*

So I ate too much this morning
3 cereal bars and a coffee. = 225
But I'm not going to purge, well not puke purge I'm swimming later and will do extra to burn off the overeating.
Thank you for your comment Amy, it helped.

I'm seeing my psych at 12.30pm I don't know what to say I admitted to a lot of stuff in the letter I dropped at the clinic on Tuesday. Like ligaturing which is a form of self harm but that can pretty easily kill you :/

I'm so tired I slept for almost 12 hours which I haven't done in months and months.

A poem I wrote for my best friend:

17/2/07

Rain pours

And I’ll look to you

Into your eyes

Nowhere else

But there at you, your

Outstretched arms

With you I’ll stand

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Post #90

I binged and purged again and now i'm binging and next I will purge. This is a complete fail. I hate it. But I love it but I hate it but I love it. eurgh. Its killing my teeth.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Stella? Are you reading?

Hey Stella I've just realised my blog is in my signature...how slow am I...if you're reading this then well this is my blog, it's like my diary, if you read it I dunno how you'll feel, it's up to you. I don't want you to read this, I don't like anyone from real life knowing about my ED. I find it hard that you're on PT, but that is up to you. Oh well.

This is me.

*TRIGGER*

I want to scream into my arm with a scalpel and tie a ligature round my neck until I can taste the lack of oxygen. I don't want to die but I want to HURT myself.
I don't have a scalpel, but I could buy one.
If I cut my arms or legs I can't swim, I have to swim otherwise I'll be fat for ever.

I want to eat the chocolate mousse in the fridge and PURGE it until I'm purging acid. I want to purge and purge and purge.
But I have braces, I need to look after my teeth.

I miss the days when I could cut and cut and cut. I miss 'kicking off' in hospital, god I even miss being restrained because it was human contact.

I want to bleed, big clots of blood and drink it.

8/4/07

Sometimes I’m riding the wave,

Sitting high upon it

Feeling on top of the world

Sometimes I slip beneath it’s creast

but after a little bit of splashing

I’m back on top there.

Sometimes I slip beneath it’s creast

I think- Why splash?

Let it pull me under.


***

The silver blade

Strokes across my skin

So tenderly, caring for me.

I watch, as my skin is lost

Beneath the red, black blood.

And I see slowly as it changes

To dry hardened yellow,

And slowly, slowly as it changes

To an ever lasting silver grey

Just like the blade, never leaving me.

wow I have 21 followers!

Today...kinda sucked just because I was down and self-harming in various ways :/ and stuff. I did restrict though and much as I want to I haven't binged and purged. I swam 100 lengths of the pool and walked for over an hour.

This guy is still texting me :/ I like being alone, he's ruining it.

I'm hungry, this is good, this means I've restricted but :/ I'm worried I'll eat.

Sorry I'm so depressed at the moment. I really can't wait for the PT London meet though, I kinda want to close it to new people because I'll get scared if there are too many people and mainly because I'm worried my friend from real life who uses PT will want to come. I can't talk about my ED in front of her. She knows I was in hospital for a long time before she was and she knows I had a long admission before that admission but she doesn't know how bad my anorexia used to be and I've lied about it before so now I don't know what she thinks.
We fell out in January because she read my old blog and got pissed off when I'd written about her. Lets hope she doesn't find this one (I won't be updating when I stay at hers this weekend).
So yeah, I'm staying at hers this weekend :S
I have to eat, I don't know if she might compete with me, I really don't know. I'm so fat at the moment, she is bigger than me in height and weight and BMI but I want to be tiny.

I'm so hungry.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Cereal bar and coffee- 89
fanta zero- 16
coffee- 20
COLLEGE
Then I came home and binged and purged and ate a packet of crisps and I want to purge again...I might purge dinner. This is BAD Eloise binging and purging again???

My day was weird, I spent the whole of lunch with this guy chatting and stuff...I'm not into him, he's too 'young' even though I think he'd 20 he's young.

*Eats cake and goes to purge*

Sunday, 10 October 2010

I don't know if I can get out of dinner...
I want to take a load of laxatives but I have college tomorrow and if I didn't have college I would have swimming...so I can't.
I don't want to eat, I feel disgusting.
I'm sorry for all my moaning.

12/2/07

I try to drown it out with music

But the voices scream louder

I can feel,

Hear,

And every time the details return

In ever increasing intensity

And with every time

I lose understanding

Just why?

Why don’t I move?

Reliving my nightmare

No one can wake me

The only escape

To sleep the deepest sleep

Today

I got up this morning and went swimming with my Dad and little brother, we stayed for ages so whilst I didn't do a proper work out swim I burnt about 300 calories.
I've eaten 450 calories already though :S I think I can lie my way out of dinner I had my brace adjusted and I told my mum I have my period (as if...) so hopefully that'll be all today... I was so bad yesterday.
I need to do some more exercise today and some Biology homework. I'm so tired.

Next weekend I'm staying with a friend from hospital, she doesn't have an ED well she kinda does but...not..I dunno sometimes she just stops eating but she isn't secretive about it and sees it as a bad thing to do. Anyway I will have to pretty much eat properly there so I want to lose about 1.5kg by Friday morning (3lbs ish).

I'm doing lose a stone October on PT but I've only lost 2lbs and I should've lost at least 4.5lbs...I feel like such a failure at the moment.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

Honestly Kills...or at least makes you fat

"What shall we do for dinner" Said Mum
My brother replied "I dunno, Eloise has already eaten I think"
"Noooo I haven't" I replied

WHY DID I TELL THE TRUTH! I had a bowl of green beans (46cals) around 4pm now I have to eat meatballs in tomato sauce. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I feel sick as it is.

29/7/07

Hips jutting out from which my trousers hang

My pale face looks empty and forlorn.

Under my many layers my ribs ache at each breath

My swollen knees look strangly large with my too slender legs

Inside my body forgets what it was to have energy

My stomach is shrunken, empty

My hands tremble as they reach down to what was once pleasure

But I have forgotten

I am left without gender

No breast, no… I miss the monthly aches

Now I have them everyday

As my body eats it’s life.


I was 14, fourteen! How did I feel so much?

Thursday, 7 October 2010

I feel up up up

Caffeine is the best anti-depressant I dunno maybe not, I cut last night. The first time in a really long time, I ate too much but then I lost this morning. Only a tiny amount but still.
I have my first psych appointment in three weeks in two hours. Getting w-w-w-weighed. I've been a 'good girl' and roughly maintained but erm food hasn't been normal has it. I'm still screwed up just screwed up and fat.
I've almost completed my Uni application
Oxford - AAA
Nottingham- ABB
Essex- BBB
Westminster- BCC
Winchester- BBC to ABB

the letters are the grades I need to get into each one currently I have BB but I can improve them to A's then it depends what I get in Biology...






I've been using real coffee as a laxative, is that ok or just as bad as chemical ones? I do like coffee so it isn't like a form of self-harm, I just dunno if it's screwed up or not.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

I've run out of words to describe how I feel and I have no pictures. My mind has ceased to chug along despite it all. It's stopped, coughed, spluttered and halted.


























I just want to be thin. Thin and successful.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Home

Well we didn't do so well in the Sailing race, 7th out of 8th in our class!!! uh oh! It was tough, and I've come home a bit early because I was just to slow and tired to function.
Eating 'properly' whilst I was away went ok, I didn't have to have too much and I'm eating 300 tomorrow to Thursday. It has however screwed up my stomach :(
I hope you're all well (ha!) and I'll catch up with your blogs ASAP.

I have a Biology test tomorrow...I need to learn about Golgi Apparatus and mitochondrion and the like (organelles)...I feel like I HAVE to get a high grade, one of it not the highest grade because I'm older than a lot of them and I'm doing the whole two year course in one year so I feel I have to prove myself. I haven't felt this pressure since I was 14. This pressure, this need, this is what drives my ED.