I had a really bad session with my psych this morning. We were talking about minimising self harm and I just felt really bad talking about it because I think I know if I really try then I can not do it so I'm silly for saying it is hard not to.
Then we were talking about who I'm going to see after the New Year and I got really defensive and all 'I don't need to see anyone' and she said I did and then I felt like I had no control because I thought she thought I didn't NEED to see anyone. So I just shut off and stopped talking and I think she got a bit frustrated with the situation and ended the session early. I'm seeing her in a week.
I feel really bad about how it went and for being so childish, I've written her a letter but I'm not going to post it yet, some parts of it need editing because I've said rubbish stuff but yeah. Generally I feel shitty and I've done hardly any work.
cereal bar- 59
2x rice cake - 35
almond biscuit - 100? probably less but it did have ground almonds in.
1 hour walk.
I feel so down, and I really want to talk to my psych and sort things out but I don't feel like I can call her (I can't until Monday anyway) because I was so bad in the session. I self-harmed straight after, not cutting, something else but I agreed in the session that I was going to try my hardest not to self-harm and I should've tried harder.
It is so cold.
It has taken 22 days to lose 1kg. That is one tenth of a pound per day.
I'm going to a family party tomorrow. I've avoided family parties for the past four years. I really don't want to go but I don't want to stay home alone either - I'll binge and purge and I can't go swimming because the pool is closed all weekend.