Friday, 22 October 2010

Really bad session

I had a really bad session with my psych this morning. We were talking about minimising self harm and I just felt really bad talking about it because I think I know if I really try then I can not do it so I'm silly for saying it is hard not to.
Then we were talking about who I'm going to see after the New Year and I got really defensive and all 'I don't need to see anyone' and she said I did and then I felt like I had no control because I thought she thought I didn't NEED to see anyone. So I just shut off and stopped talking and I think she got a bit frustrated with the situation and ended the session early. I'm seeing her in a week.

I feel really bad about how it went and for being so childish, I've written her a letter but I'm not going to post it yet, some parts of it need editing because I've said rubbish stuff but yeah. Generally I feel shitty and I've done hardly any work.

coffee-20
cereal bar- 59
2x rice cake - 35
almond biscuit - 100? probably less but it did have ground almonds in.

2km swim
1 hour walk.

I feel so down, and I really want to talk to my psych and sort things out but I don't feel like I can call her (I can't until Monday anyway) because I was so bad in the session. I self-harmed straight after, not cutting, something else but I agreed in the session that I was going to try my hardest not to self-harm and I should've tried harder.

It is so cold.

It has taken 22 days to lose 1kg. That is one tenth of a pound per day.

I'm going to a family party tomorrow. I've avoided family parties for the past four years. I really don't want to go but I don't want to stay home alone either - I'll binge and purge and I can't go swimming because the pool is closed all weekend.

2 comments:

  1. Sorry about the bad psych session, but I'm sure she's not offended or upset or anything. She knows what you're dealing with every day, so she probably could see you were upset. Good luck with the family party! I try to avoid those too....

    xoxoxo

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  2. i'm sorry about the session - i'm sure she's not offended, more worried. it sounds like you guys really understand each other so i'm sure she knows what you're going through and thinking.
    family parties can be tricky - good luck xx

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