Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Yet another post.

I purged dinner, I still feel like I've eaten loads even though I've purged everything I've eaten none of which has been a binge.
It is only 7:30pm but I feel ready to go to sleep.
I don't know if I have college tomorrow or not, it depends on the snow...I really want to have college, even though I'm not prepared for the mock exam or practical exam. Going to college is better than staying at home and having to eat.

I found out all the accommodation at Nottingham University is catered. Meaning for 19 meals a week I'm meant to eat in the canteen. There is no way on earth I could do that, however I think you have to pay a fixed rate whether you eat the food or not. How did I not realise this when I applied? I still love the university and it has given me a really good offer. I'm going to visit there in February to meet the disability services and see the School. My mum is probably going to come with me but I really don't want her to be in the meetings because I want to be honest with them about the support I'll need and I can't do that in front of my mother. At least I don't think I could be, I dunno.

Sorry for blogging so much, I must be clogging up your Dashboards.

I threw up blood earlier.

Lazy day and purging

I've done nothing all day, college got cancelled because of the snow and the swimming pool was closed. I've eaten and thrown up twice today. I hate being home, my mum is getting suspicious about my weight again so she made me breakfast and lunch which I then purged. I have to purge dinner as well because I haven't even been for a walk today.
I've done barely any revision :/ I want college to be open tomorrow just so I'm not stuck at home again. Even though I'm going to fail my mock.
I wish purging had no consequences on my teeth. I wish no one could walk in on me. I would just purge everything. But then I'd be bulimic and I don't want to be bulimic. I don't want to be anything really.

TMI warning
All said by a girl who is still in her pajamas at 4:35pm, dirty hair she is scared to brush in case it breaks, and probably BO...eurgh! But I have to save showering for after dinner so I can purge in the shower...I don't actually purge in the shower, I purge in my waste bin in the shower then pour it down the toilet and wash the plastic bin out. Gross I know. I hadn't been purging much but then mum made me food.
Normally when I purge it is just to check my stomach is still empty. Acid and liquid is fine. I worry I might eat without noticing.

Eff-ing Snow

So it is snowing, I mean there is only an inch or two on the ground but this is England and the world goes crazy. IF we get snow it is usually at the end of January not November.

Anyway snow is a problem, snow means my mum doesn't want me to go swimming in case I get stuck in town...plus she can't understand why on earth anyone would want to go swimming when it is snowing.

College is currently still open but it might close before my class at 3pm because of how far some people travel to get there. I really hope it closes at 1pm then I can go swimming 3-5pm and still get home before everything has frozen too much. See that would work mother?!

I'm meant to be revising today, in truth I've written 2 revision cards :S I can't even bring myself to read the relevant pages of the revision guide, it is just a mock. I don't want my teacher to think I'm stupid though :/

***
Do you ever feel sick of the exhaustion?
Sick of the pain?
Sometimes I just want to give in and EAT but I can't.
Sometimes, always, I just want to be happy and I know this won't truly bring me happiness, but I'm not happy without it, does that mean I can never be happy?
What should I do?
I don't feel in control of this any more, but I'm still so fat.
I think when I get to X kg I'll eat but will I? Will I really?
I plan and plan the things I'll eat, but I don't think I ever can.
Why am I still so fat? Weeks and weeks of restriction, years of restriction and anorexia and bulimia and hospital and tubes and pain and almost, almost death and I'm still so fat.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Bitchy Eloise

About a 500 calorie day, maybe a bit less. I'm not sure. College was exhausting today even though we got let out over an hour early, I just feel exhausted.
I'm sick of all this, I really am. A huge clump of my fringe fell out this morning, all my nails are gone (broken during a biology practical), I am so so tired. I'm so so angry and it makes me bitchy. This is the result:

Dear *,
I can't deal with you right now. You seem to revel in your relapse and I just can't cope with it at the moment. You say you don't have an ED but then act like you do, I don't understand. I hate not understanding. You've asked a few times about the PT meet and I haven't replied because me and Lissy got on GREAT and I feel like you might be jealous of that because I got on better with her than with you, I dunno. But then again I'm jealous of the fact you guys go clubbing and we do painting or baking. You seem to cope around her yet with me you want to sleep all the time. I know this is bitchy, but you shouldn't be reading this, if you are then I AM sorry but I'm also SO pissed off at you because this'll be the third time you've read this behind my back and I can't just forgive you for that. I don't understand you, you seem to like all the 'recovery' phrases like 'I'm struggling at the moment but I'll get there' kind of thing yet you asked Lissy how to cut like she does. Gaahhhhhhh I just don't get you. I'm so angry at you right now FOR NO REASON, which makes me angry at myself for being a bad, bitchy, horrible person. I can't help you at the moment, you can't help me, we have nothing but pain in common so where is the friendship I don't FUCKING KNOW.

Eloise


God guys what should I do with my life. I don't know what to say to my psych on Thursday, I'm meant to be thinking about this meal plan which there is no way I can follow. Not without someone making me. And I don't want to be made to. I'm too fat, far far far too fat. I need to swim so hard tomorrow.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

The PT Meet

It went really well :) It was 4 of us including LISSY who is lovely.
So we all met at a station, went to Starbucks and chatted and chatted like there was no one to hear our crazy conversations!
Then we got to tube to covent garden and went shopping! BTW to anyone who knows Covent Garden tube station YES WE DID WALK UP THE STAIRS!
Then we walked to Leicester Sq, up Regent St. to Oxford Circus stopping in shops here and there and mainly looking in the kids departments which was a lovely thing to do because normal people rarely understand this.
After the other two PT'ers left at about 4 or 5pm Lissy and I went to PRIMARK, now if you're not from the UK or Ireland you won't know of the phenomenon that is Primark. It is basically really cheap highstreet clothing, not great quality but fashionable.
Then we went back to the Station and sat in McDonalds for hours drinking diet cokes and just talking talking talking.

I burnt some calories walking (We walked about 4 miles according to google maps) and I ate 295 calories.

I came home and felt awful :( alone and depressed. It had been so nice to be with people who understood all day and then I just felt alone.I probably won't see any of them until next year.
I took laxatives and tried to sleep.
I need to do work today but I just can't bring myself to do it. I bought new pajama bottoms yesterday but they are rather large they are lovely and warm though. I don't think I'm getting dressed today.

I'll blog later probably xxx

Friday, 26 November 2010

270 calorie day

I swam over 3km and walked for an hour


I got rejected by Oxford...

I went on a rubbish night out where my 'friend' just completely blanked me
.

I feel far to fat to even speak to anyone at the PT meet tomorrow

I ♥ each and every one of you

So really I'm just procrastinating, I came online to look up this thing about plant roots for biology!
But I log in to blogger about 6 times a day so here I am!

My plan for today is to:
  1. Study until 2.30pm (quickly going down the drain!)
  2. Get the 2.50pm bus to the City (descriptive........)
  3. Drop of the letter to my psych at the Clinic
  4. Go swimming (3km)
  5. Come home and nap
  6. Get ready to go out
  7. Go to the pub with friends but only drink diet coke/ 1 light gin and tonic (55cals)
So I had a coffee this morning, I'll have a cereal bar before I swim, and I'll miss dinner as I've told mum we are eating at the pub. Wayhey. The main challenge is not to get drunk and that causes me to EAT.

Then tomorrow is the PT MEET! And I know I keep going on a about it but I am SO looking forward to it. I'll actually be able to talk ED rubbish all day and not stress about it.

Oh and last night I dreamt that F*ckedUpAppendix was trapped in space with me (!) in the space ship and we were just messing about with this camera and computer...Ok it was better when I dreamed it...

I thought I'd do some photos as I never do...oh and did I mention because I'm time wasting :P










Thursday, 25 November 2010

Thank you lovelies but Oh Dear...

Thank you so much for all the comments yesterday :D

I just got home from swimming and my psych appointment. My doctor wants me to go back on a meal plan. Yes, with a BMI of 20 or 21 she wants me on a meal plan. She is also referring me to Adult Eating Disorder Services (who probably won't accept me), referring me for an ECG (EKG for you Americans). I get on so well with my doctor but this is all scaring me so much that I don't want to go back.

My hair is falling out, I put a hairclip in to hold back a stray bit of hair whilst swimming. When I took the clip out the hair had just broken off. I woke up with a hair covered pillow too. Luckily I(used to) have thick hair so you can't really notice. Last time my hair did this my BMI was 16.

I'm so excited about the PT meet on Saturday, it is really something to look forward to and focus on. I feel really low at the moment, my psych thinks it is because I'm "starving" myself, I think it is because I'm fat. Who wouldn't be depressed.

So far today (and it is only 3pm) I've had a cereal bar (60 cals), coffee (20 cals) and I swam 2km (FAIL) and walked for an hour.

EDIT: 314 CALORIE TOTAL :D

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
I want to eat
But I can't

FAST :D

I'm not eating today, my mum is going away for a few days and I don't feel as guilty lying to my dad about 'feeling ill' I do actually have a pretty screwed up stomach.

Today I have a Biology class on photosynthesis and respiration (which I don't understand) and then in the afternoon I'm dissecting a heart. I never used to be squeamish but these days just talking about blood can make me feel ill; it reminds me of cutting.

I haven't had my period in a loooong time however I feel like I'm going to get it?!?? I'm bloated and moody but I guess that could be anything.

peace out my lovely ladies <3>

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

530 calories
swam 3km
walked for 1hr 20mins

I haven't weighed myself in ages...I feel huge but I've decided I can only weigh myself if I eat under 3000 calories this week. I've had 990 so far leaving me with an average of 402 for the rest of the week.
I'm going to the PT London meet on Saturday, when it was organised my BMI was about 18? Now it is 20-21, I feel like such a fake...
In the pool today there were 2 anorexics and me, all swimming crawl up and down, up and down for over an hour...I felt huge but I liked it in a way because I was working just as hard as them and it made me feel like not such a fraud. I'm so fat though.

Monday, 22 November 2010

The weekend and a grumbling stomach

Well the weekend went really well, it WAS freezing however I was inside on the walkie talkie radio all night so it wasn't too terrible. The kids all had fun which was the main thing :)
I ate a bacon sandwich...

Today I've been completely shattered due to not sleeping all weekend however I didn't eat all day! I have to have a sausage and vegetables for dinner in a little while. The sausages are 120 calories and then I can have veggies which are beans which will mean I can do the whole day for 200 unless my mum makes me have potato...

My legs seemed particularly massive to me today, I'm not sure why, I mean they are far bigger than I would like them to be however recently it had been more my mid-section that was bothering me.

Sorry for such a boring post!

Saturday, 20 November 2010

The weight is climbing...year on year I grow

I'm hungover, I drank so much at this party last night...I don't want to think about the calories.

From now on I am only eating when it is absolutely compulsory, even if I pass out. Normally I have my compulsory food but I allow myself other food up to 300 or 500 calories depending on the day. However this means that I end up eating, and eating some more and going over the calorie limit. So now I'm just banning all food unless my parents or someone else is making me. I'll also be allowed a cereal bar before swimming.

This afternoon/evening I am helping run an overnight even for the scouts. It is going to be freezing.
I'm wearing thermals, my little brothers thick navy chinos (Age 13 whoop!), and a jumper and I'm cold INSIDE...this event is going to be outside.

***
four years ago today my BMI was 17
three years ago today it was 18
two years ago today it was 19
a year ago today it was 20
today it is 21
THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL

Friday, 19 November 2010

Turns out the party doesn't start until 9pm so I had to eat dinner, I feel disgusting. I want to purge but I don't want to smell of vomit...basically.

Lazy

I haven't gone swimming :S I'm really too tired from yesterday...and I ate some carrot sticks with houmous. So much for a fast! x
I feel really down today and I'm not really sure why. I tried calling my psych but she wasn't in the clinic today.
I'm am going to force myself to MOVE and go swimming, even if it is only for an hour today. I ache from yesterday's 5km which is 3.1 miles! I need to go out the house in 20 minutes...
Tonight I'm going to this party. My ex-boyfriend from when I was 14 is hosting it, we made out in the summer...his girlfriend will be there. His girlfriend also flirts with my older brother. It is going to be awkward. fml.
I need to buy some alcohol and sugar free sodas but I don't want to buy a small bottle of vodka if someone is already bringing some and is willing to share...eurgh. I don't really want a bottle of vodka hanging around my bedroom, I'll get depressed and drink the whole thing.
HELLO CALORIES.
I hope there isn't food tonight...I bet there is.

I wish I could just relax and enjoy socialising with my 'friends'.
My best friend has spoken to me once since the beginning of October...

Thursday, 18 November 2010

FAST

I'm not going to eat tomorrow.
I'm drinking in the evening though, which means calories so it isn't a proper fast but it is something, then Saturday I'm eating :S chips...at this event I'm helping out with but there will be no alcohol and that will be the only food I have. Then Sunday I only have to eat dinner. So hopefully I'll lose weight?!
I want my BMI down to 20.0 again by next Thursday. Which is going to be tough but I can do it. I need to do it.
I swam 5km because I'm fat...my BMI was TWENTY-FUCKING-ONE this morning.
So I've exercised more than I've eaten.

I might start horse riding, but I have to get accepted first, it is a special stables for people with disabilities including mental health problems, eating disorders etc. My mum is going to look into it for me and my little brother (he's autistic)

love to you all x

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

I want to be crazy

I want to be crazy. I want to starve. I want to purge. I want to disappear and spin in circles. I want to cry no, weep.
I want to cut, bleed, clot, bleed some more.

Binge day

coffee- 30
crisps- 79
chocolate- 550
marshmallows- 60
pretzels- 100
rice cracker- 30
biscuit- 70

ICK ICK ICK and I have to have PASTA for dinner...then go out this evening...eurgh. I'm so angry at myself.
I now have 4 days to lose 2kg... which means as far as possible fasting.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Today was such a long day I don't know if I can write about it all.
I'll start with food.

Apple muffin - 100
Alpen apple cereal bar - 59
2 Coffees- 60
Steak - 120
salad - 20
= 359

I met with this new psychologist...I didn't storm out and I didn't cry but I didn't feel like I would be able to open up to him. He has very fixed views about what makes a person happy: a strong relationship with someone and activity (work/volunteering, some sort of purpose) and I don't think he is wrong exactly I just don't like his tight focus on family. He also didn't seem very keen to work with me on food issues. He wants it all to be very focused with targets each session and progress. I don't think I can do that. But I feel like I should see him to show willing.

Then I had appointment #2 I've gained weight but I know now it was water weight as I have been peeing so much all day and now I weigh less than this morning despite eating!
We talked about my referral letter to the adult mental health service, it was hard seeing it all written down about me. We spoke about the sexual attack when I was nine, because I've been thinking about it a lot. And a bit about relationships.

Then I came home and attempted to do some work but really I just napped :P

I had college this afternoon and I made a complete idiot of myself, I have this thing similar to dyslexia that gets better when I wear green tinted glasses. I handed in a piece of work without proof reading it wearing the tinted glasses. The spacing was all wrong and I'd missed out a tonne of spaces between words!

Then I went SWIMMING! I swam 3.33km and it was lovely.

TAH DAH!

I haven't heard from my best friend in weeks :(
My other friend is kinda depressed (again) but I just can't deal with it, I feel guilty but at the same time...she is just irritating me which IS A HORRIBLE THING TO FEEL but I just...feel crap myself and I don't like talking to people in real life about it. Eurgh I'm a nasty person, I do care about her.

Monday, 15 November 2010

At the end of the day...

I didn't purge dinner, so ending the day on 800 calories, I'm not very impressed with myself as I haven't done any exercise either. Since dinner my stomach has been hurting too much :(

I can feel so much fat on my stomach, I can feel it and grab it and I just took a photo of how disgusting it is but I can't bring myself to post it.

I'm being weighed and having blood pressure done at my appointment tomorrow. First hour is me meeting this new therapist, second hour is just a normal appointment with my psych but with a weigh-in etc. I feel ridiculous being weighed when I'm so huge. I haven't weighed myself since Thursday :S I'm going to weigh so much in the morning :'(

Shoutout to Lissy xxx
I slept really badly last night, then overslept BIG TIME. I got to college with no time to spare, we had practicals in Biology all morning, I was pretty useless, to be honest I was half asleep!
Then at lunch I went into town with G and had coffee I had a sugar free vanilla americano with skimmed milk. We chatted and it was nice.
Then I went back to college for the dreaded assessment...I've been stressing about this thing since Saturday, so much that I haven't been sleeping....a tad excessive the whole thing was fine and I think I did quite well.
I had a diet fanta in the break. Then the second half of the lesson was awful, I couldn't concentrate and I didn't do any work.

I got the bus home and I have an offer from Nottingham University!!! They want a B in A-level Biology and a B in GCSE maths (which I'm resitting) I'm so so so happy about it as I SHOULD be able to get those grades.

But then I came home and ate all my calories but I don't want to purge dinner but I don't know what to do and :(

Tomorrow morning I'm meeting this new therapist and then seeing my psych, I'm stressed about it...

Sunday, 14 November 2010

WHATISWRONGWITHME?!

Coffee ├ęclair- 264
raisins-70
biscuit-70

today's total blown up to 794 :'(
So today went ok, I didn't eat too much though I feel stuffed.
I've had
2 coffees (60)
a biscuit (70)
a few crisps (30)
vegetables (50)
some potato (60)
beef (70)
gravy (50)
= 390

And NO exercise...I'm 90 over my planned intake but it is a lot better than I had planned. I also managed to do almost 3 hours of studying! I talk about doing work a lot but hardly ever do any, I still need to do some more before my assessment tomorrow afternoon...

Awhile ago I was going on about 'stalker boy' well...we've kinda become friends (I know...odd) his name is G, well it is for the purposes of blogging anyway. We meet for coffee and a chat about once a week, I told him how I used to have anorexia and he didn't freak out which was nice. It is a bit of an odd friendship but it means I spend one lunchtime a week with someone and best of all they don't even seem to notice that I don't eat...

I need to go and shower in a bit, I'm sorry I don't have anything more interesting to say...
I feel so so full I want to purge but I can't, I have a toothache and I'm seriously worrying about it...

Saturday, 13 November 2010

I'm doing kinda good on the food front, I just feel eternally guilty! I've had:
2 apples
cucumber with houmous
2 chocolate biscuits (140 cals)

I just eat and then I want more and more and more and I still have to eat dinner. I have been so inactive all day. I got up at 9:30 went back to bed at 11:45 for 2 hours then got up and have been lounging on the sofa for the past 2 hours and now it is getting kind of dark.
I just haven't woken up today at all, maybe because I haven't had any coffee I don't know.

I wrote a really long ramble to my psych last night, I don't think I'm going to give it to her, I wrote it whilst trying to distract myself from self harming. I kept having these flashing images going through my head of when I was attacked when I was little.

I'm meeting this new therapist guy on Tuesday at 9:30, then straight after at 10:30 I'm seeing my normal psych. It might be a bit much seeing them both in a two hour block but we'll see.

Also on Tuesday...dundundun I've agreed with my friend to go to the pub FOR DINNER, I just looked up the calories and seriously the lowest thing is 580 calories, or I could have salad and chips for more like 430 calories. OHMYGOODNESSWHATAMITODO?!?

I just realised I've barely had anything to drink all day, I should go and get something, that might be why I'm so tired.

Friday, 12 November 2010

And I end the day about even. I swam 3km, walked a little and ate 900 calories.

Love to you all x

The eternal 'I screwed up AGAIN' post

I ate...a lot. Less than 1000 calories but still many too many.
In my head, however many times I tell myself to stop I'm planning a binge. I might start to write down all my cravings instead of giving in to them. I'm going out in a bit to swim, I can't wait, I really need to swim. I need to swim at least 3.33km to burn off today's calories.
I'm disgusting aren't I. Don't tell me I'm not, I really am.

2 blueberry muffins- 480
2 chocolate biscuits- 212
ketchup-16
coffee black with sugar- 30

Y-U-C-K

The eternal 'I must get back on track' post

I went to London yesterday, I allowed myself to eat.

2 cereal bars
1 digestive biscuit
2 coffees
bread and houmous
a chicken fillet
a small serving of potato wedges
diet orange soda
2 blueberry muffins
a slice of bread

I haven't weighed myself today because it would just be demoralising and pointless as I'm full of all that food. So today and until I lose 4kg (8.8lbs) I'm eating 300calories a day. I can do it, it isn't that hard I just need to motivation and it is very frustrating when you are eating 300 calories and NOT losing weight. Hopefully I will have daily weight loss however.

So today I'm studying then at 4pm I'm swimming 3.33km. Well hopefully. My Dad and little brother are coming with me and I feel like I should play with my little brother some of the time. He is depressed and not going to school and not eating. He is only 12...I feel really bad.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

So today was a bad day...

450 calories this morning of biscuits and stuff :S

Came home and have eaten a tonne of biscuits, a bagel etc. All day I had a massive urge to binge and purge on McDonalds, but I didn't instead I'm binging now and on dinner, then purging. Tut tut I know...

I'm seeing my psych first thing tomorrow morning, having my blood pressure taken etc. Then I'm going to London with my mum for the day which means eating out...

FuckitiFuckFuck.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

So today was a GOOD DAY!
420 calories
3.33km swimming
Over 1 hour walking

I had my assessed discussion at college and everyone in my group passed. Swimming was lovely and not too hard, my arms are noticeably more toned.
Let us just hope that I've lost at least 0.5kg when I weigh myself in the morning...unlikely but I can hope!
I've had 70 calories so far, I'll have another 30 before college and then 60 before I swim. I feel that is so greedy but I know I need to eat to swim. I want to do 100 lengths, which is 3.33km, it seems the perfect amount. I haven't weighed myself yet today, I drank coffee and then I couldn't...I have a lot of rules surrounding when I can weigh myself. I'm behind on my target...I don't think I'm going to get there this week :( I just want to get a little closer at the moment I'm 1.4kg behind and getting further behind everyday :(

.....

My mum is on the phone to the guy who is possibly going to be my new therapist after I am too old to see my psychiatrist, I'm a bit pissed off that he has called her before me. I'm 18 and technically he shouldn't be talking about me without my permission >:( I've never even met this bloke. I don't know that I want to see a man.

Monday, 8 November 2010

So I DID binge and purge today, and due to alcohol I've had more than 300 calories...but I had a really lovely evening with friends and it makes me feel like today went ok. I've still only had about 450 calories and I had a full day at college so hopefully I will have lost something come the morning.

I just wanted to say how much I care about you all, I read all of your blogs and try to comment if I have anything to say...your comments make me feel far less insane and I love our little blogger community.

I wrote a letter to my doctor, I told her honestly how I feel about food, how really I love it, how I'm obsessed with it, but how it terrifies me.

This weeks goals

I'm restricting to 200-300 calories until Thursday in the hope of getting back on track...back on track means losing 1.7kg by Thursday. I'll be going swimming early Thursday morning if I'm more than 1kg behind.
I'm going to do all my homework and studying.
I'm going to meet up with friends.
I'm not going to take laxatives.
I'm not going to binge or purge however big the urge.
I'm going to go swimming at least three times regardless of my weight.
I'm not going to spend too much money!

Sunday, 7 November 2010

The Day So Far...

So far I've eaten 300calories and burnt 350, which leaves 200 calories for dinner and then I'm going out this evening with old school friends but I'll just drink a diet coke, I don't want the calories of alcohol nor do I want any of the effects.
I haven't lost any weight :/ I'm stuck, it is frustrating. I can't wait for next week to start so I can restrict more and exercise and LOSE SOME GODDAM WEIGHT. I always feel like this though, and I never lose that much. If I restrict to 300calories I can lose 2kg by Thursday, that'd be awesome. I just don't know if I can.

Yet......the past few days, I've felt so bad I've even thought about agreeing to my psych's meal plan...I won't, I can't but it's odd what you think about when you feel desperate.

Saturday, 6 November 2010

Save Me

Save me from this mess
Save me from dinner
Save me from cutting
Save me from purging
Save me from the dark
Save me from dying
Save me from living
Save me from failing
Save me from fear
Save me from the monsters in the night
Save me from eating ever again
Save me from starving every again

Sometimes I wish I was thin, just so someone would make me eat, I'd have someone to fight, to work with and a daydream that it would all work out ok. It would be "a hard journey but she got there". But I've done all that before and I'm not "better".

I'm so scared. I haven't done any exercise today, I've spent most of the day asleep. I've eaten 600 calories. It is dark and cold and I'm just scared of everything.

I'm trying to work out how I could fit swimming into my massively busy college days. The pool is open 7-9am and college doesn't start until 10:45 but I'd have to get the 6:12 or 7:05 train... as it's a 30min walk from the station to the pool and I'd need to do at least an hour for it to be worth it.
^^^I'm doing that on Thursday if I'm more than 1kg over my target weight but I don't have college, I have pysch at 9am then I'm going to London. Lets hope my weight is ok otherwise I'm going to be exhausted.

I wish I didn't have to do this. Save Me.
I don't know why, I don't know why, I don't know why. I ate my calorie allowance and it's only 12:30pm...I went to purge and. Couldn't. So I took another 5 laxatives, I took 4 last night. I'm so stupid. I'm dehydrated though I am drinking.
I need to do some work soon but I feel exhausted. I cut my hair, it all went ok except the fringe/bangs part it is too short :(
I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, I need shaking.

I am shaking.

Friday, 5 November 2010

Desire for Pain

499 calories, seriously 499. And I think I have to have dinner...though I have mentioned I feel ill and tried the 'I have my period' card.

I bought laxatives :S I was swimming and the anorexic girl was there and I could feel my stomach sticking out so much. I feel like I deserve the pain, I feel like I really deserve that curled-up-on-the-toilet agony. I think this is triggered by the conversation with my psych yesterday about punishing myself. I didn't really think I punished myself before that, but I guess I do and now I am, clearly and obviously. Hmm.

God do I really have to have dinner, I do actually feel sick. I thought I was going to swim for longer than I did which is why I ate more but I only swam 2.37km instead of 3.33km. Either way eating 500 calories BEFORE dinner isn't ok...which is another reason to illogically punish myself with laxatives. I know they don't make me lose weight, I know they are painful. I know this is dumb and bad for me, yet I WANT that pain.

I typed 'Desire for Pain' into google and got these lyrics, I thought they were quite fitting.

This is your dying will
Forced to feed
And over again
Flies to filth, greed, wealth
And we take what they give
Every piece that we can hold
Is it all that we are?
Is this all we seek to be?

Soiled hands will meet us there
Choking the light from our souls

I desire the pain
I desire the weight
And I will face my grave

Draining the life from our veins
Into a curse that we despise
What a sickening way
To spend our lives

I desire the pain
I desire the weight
And I will face my grave
I desire remorse
I desire release
And I will chase this away

Away

Guilt

I feel like every bite I take of anything is a binge. I feel so guilty even though I've had 200 calories and really that IS ok. I'm going swimming later.
I've done sewing, baking and laundry I am officially a domestic goddess however I'm yet to do any work. I need to sort out cell membranes and photosynthesis in my head, and the carriage of oxygen and carbon dioxide but I really don't get that at the moment so I'm not going to push it.
My 'friends' are coming home this weekend (from uni) none of them have been in touch to meet up, a friend I was really close to until about a year ago has completely ignored my facebook message to her :/ I don't want to turn up uninvited but I'm well aware I may never be invited. Sucks.

I feel so guilty all the time, for so many little things, I hate OCD. I was talking to my psych about this yesterday about how I set supposedly unreachable goals (I think they are possible) and then punish myself for not reaching them. I can't weigh myself at the moment, I think that is why I feel bad, because I'm sure I've gained or at least not lost but I don't know. I got new batteries for my scale but they were really cheap and have given up already.

I'll stop rambling, I love you ladies <3

Thursday, 4 November 2010

I've eaten too much but I'm still at a deficit because I swam over 3km and walked for over an hour.
I had my psych session, it was actually ok even though we talked about the binging and purging. We ended on a good note which was nice.
I don't really have anything interesting to say...

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

A long long day.

So I had an egg for breakfast in preparation for this exam, then I had a cereal bar as I was still hungry. Halfway through the exam I get a massive massive CRAZY urge to binge and purge. So yes, entrance exam to Oxford and I'm planning how to binge and purge...I finished the exam. It was ok, could have been A LOT better. Then I went to McDonalds and bought a burger and milkshake and ate, and purged. Then I met my tutor to talk about the exam. Then I ate chocolate and rice cakes and purged. Then I had coffee and didn't purge.
Then I had a class in which I felt dead.
Then before I got the bus home I bought maltesers (chocolate things) and fries from McDonalds and covered them in ketchup. Binged on the bus, came home purged. Ate dinner, haven't purged.
I have no idea on calories.

I got an offer of a place at the University of Essex as long as I get an A and two B's this year. I find out in about 3 weeks if I have an interview at Oxford.

I want to binge and purge more, I feel disgusting but the urge was SO HUGE like an addict...

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Thanks guys!

Reading your comments about the exam and breakfast really calmed me down.

I swam 3km :) burning about 900 calories?
I walked for and hour burning about 200 calories?
maybe that is optimistic?!

Anyway I've eaten a bit more than I would've liked - 590 calories

But generally I'm pleased with myself.

ahhh freakout!

Ok so its not that bad, food at least is F.I.N.E!

However, I have my entrance exam for OXFORD tomorrow, I had been getting about 80% but no the day before the exam I get 64%!!! Which SUCKS I mean it's o-kaaaay but I need to get 80%! I'm hoping that tomorrow with the adrenaline and everything I will do better, I'm hoping today was just a blip due to nerves. However this is just the multiple choice section, I have to write a 30 minute essay too. Have I practiced writing a 30 minute essay?! The answer is no...my life, my 'issues' with food have zapped any concentration I once possessed. Any motivation for anything except thinness. Is that even grammatically correct "Any motivation for anything except thinness" ??? <<
I wish I could use a laptop for the essay, I can type so much faster than I can write, I used to have beautiful handwriting now I shake so much it is shit. However my sugar levels will be steady tomorrow for the exam, I've saved 250 calories for dinner in my plan which I'm hoping not to eat until 8pm then I'm having a proper breakfast in the morning. I'm not sure what to have though I don't want to buy a box of cereal because I might binge on it. I don't like porridge. I might buy mushrooms and have them with egg? Is that a proper breakfast 110 calories? I really don't have any idea these days. It's like when I tried eating 2000 calories like I'd been told to last February (a bid to gain enough to stay out of hospital...back when I needed to gain) and I ended up eating 500 calories of my usual diet and 1500 calories of utter junk because I didn't know what else to eat. Proper meals are actually scarier than junk food (crisps, cereal bars with more than 100 calories) for me.

This wasn't meant to be about food.

I need to get at least 70% for them to even LOOK at the essay I write (they don't have time to look at everyone's essays, a computer marks to multiple choice). Then my essay has to make SOME sense, then I hopefully get an interview. I mean they may interview me even if my exam and essay are only moderate because they know about the mental health issues, missing two years of school etc. but they can only be so lenient. The essay questions (there are 4 to choose from) can be on anything, they are completely open ended. The exam is taken by Psychology applicants (like me) as well as Economics and Philosophy applicants so it isn't knowledge based, more proving you can think.

I really hope it goes ok. I wish I knew someone else taking it.

Kudos to anyone who has read this far...I really need to vent today for some reason. Nerves I suppose.

64% dammit! Some questions when I checked the answer I just could not work out HOW it was the answer! Its a verbal and non-verbal reasoning test, well that is the best way of describing it anyway.

I have a class this afternoon. An examined group discussion on that woman in the USA who is going round offering drug addicts sterilisation and the drug addict gets $200, she came to the UK and this man had it done. I need to remember not to interrupt people...I find it very hard when people are making an awful point!
Then swimming.
Then the 7pm bus with the smelly man!
Then dinner about 8pm
Then I'll be exhausted so bed about 9pm.

Then...9.30am Wednesday the exam :S


<3>

Monday, 1 November 2010

It was all going well until I binged myself up to 650 calories...and I still have to eat dinner.
I'm so tired! I had college today and my hand is dead from writing so much...
I don't really have anything to say....
I screwed up, Dad was outside my room so I couldn't purge :/ so I took laxatives and stuff...eurghhm.
I'm really going to miss F*uckedUpAppendix/Got2's daily posts :(

I'm swimming tomorrow!!! The first time in AAAAGGGGEESSSS I'm so so so excited just know I'm going to be so shit and will probably only last 2km.