Monday, 29 November 2010

Bitchy Eloise

About a 500 calorie day, maybe a bit less. I'm not sure. College was exhausting today even though we got let out over an hour early, I just feel exhausted.
I'm sick of all this, I really am. A huge clump of my fringe fell out this morning, all my nails are gone (broken during a biology practical), I am so so tired. I'm so so angry and it makes me bitchy. This is the result:

Dear *,
I can't deal with you right now. You seem to revel in your relapse and I just can't cope with it at the moment. You say you don't have an ED but then act like you do, I don't understand. I hate not understanding. You've asked a few times about the PT meet and I haven't replied because me and Lissy got on GREAT and I feel like you might be jealous of that because I got on better with her than with you, I dunno. But then again I'm jealous of the fact you guys go clubbing and we do painting or baking. You seem to cope around her yet with me you want to sleep all the time. I know this is bitchy, but you shouldn't be reading this, if you are then I AM sorry but I'm also SO pissed off at you because this'll be the third time you've read this behind my back and I can't just forgive you for that. I don't understand you, you seem to like all the 'recovery' phrases like 'I'm struggling at the moment but I'll get there' kind of thing yet you asked Lissy how to cut like she does. Gaahhhhhhh I just don't get you. I'm so angry at you right now FOR NO REASON, which makes me angry at myself for being a bad, bitchy, horrible person. I can't help you at the moment, you can't help me, we have nothing but pain in common so where is the friendship I don't FUCKING KNOW.


God guys what should I do with my life. I don't know what to say to my psych on Thursday, I'm meant to be thinking about this meal plan which there is no way I can follow. Not without someone making me. And I don't want to be made to. I'm too fat, far far far too fat. I need to swim so hard tomorrow.


  1. <3 stay strong ok? Focus on other things. I don't know what to say except be ok xx :)

  2. Eloise, I love you.
    I don't use that word a lot. Or even type it- unless it's meant.
    I mean it. I love your blog. I love the realness.
    I guess I just needed to let you now.
    I am oh so so so glad you and Lissy are getting o ngreat- you don't know HOW glad this makes me.

    Aah. I mean, it's great we've got our own little support groups inside the huge bubble of support that is PT-sometimes.
    Also, I've been catching up on your blog- Oxford are fucktards, they'll kick themselves when you make it big. Not IF, when. Because you will.
    And you dreamt about me huh ;]
    Second person to tell me that this week-well not tell me, oh you know what I mean.

    I shall stop writing this essay now.
    Take care. xxx

  3. mmmyeah. effed appendix is a much better writer than me, but i completely agree with her.

    we all have that person who is so completely fucked and annoying and hurtful and STUPID yet whenn we try to explain them to someone else, they dont get it because that person attacks you so personally with so much evil.

    i am sorry that this person is still up your ass. you are not alone in that.

    if i ever see them, i will kick them in the face.