Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Eff-ing Snow

So it is snowing, I mean there is only an inch or two on the ground but this is England and the world goes crazy. IF we get snow it is usually at the end of January not November.

Anyway snow is a problem, snow means my mum doesn't want me to go swimming in case I get stuck in town...plus she can't understand why on earth anyone would want to go swimming when it is snowing.

College is currently still open but it might close before my class at 3pm because of how far some people travel to get there. I really hope it closes at 1pm then I can go swimming 3-5pm and still get home before everything has frozen too much. See that would work mother?!

I'm meant to be revising today, in truth I've written 2 revision cards :S I can't even bring myself to read the relevant pages of the revision guide, it is just a mock. I don't want my teacher to think I'm stupid though :/

Do you ever feel sick of the exhaustion?
Sick of the pain?
Sometimes I just want to give in and EAT but I can't.
Sometimes, always, I just want to be happy and I know this won't truly bring me happiness, but I'm not happy without it, does that mean I can never be happy?
What should I do?
I don't feel in control of this any more, but I'm still so fat.
I think when I get to X kg I'll eat but will I? Will I really?
I plan and plan the things I'll eat, but I don't think I ever can.
Why am I still so fat? Weeks and weeks of restriction, years of restriction and anorexia and bulimia and hospital and tubes and pain and almost, almost death and I'm still so fat.

1 comment:

  1. Ohgoodness I'm feeling that last bit so much!!

    I hate making myself revise, never really works until the last minute!!
    Mmm I want to start swimming, does it help Eloise?