Friday, 31 December 2010

Yesterday was really REALLY good. I went swimming, went to the library studied, then came home and my best friend came over and I made her a 1920s flapper dress for the new year's eve party she is going to. Then some friends came by and asked if she wanted to go to the pub so I did :)
We were so COOL, we played this board game called "Settlers of Catan" it was actually really good :P but we got a few odd looks. I only had 1 diet coke and no dinner as I was out so I barely ate anything yesterday and I swam 2km and walked for an hour.

This morning however...I woke up exhausted, I came downstairs and ATE, like 400 calories!? Then this evening I am going to a NYE party I got invited to yesterday and there will be food and alcohol, A LOT of alcohol so yah eeek. Then with the same family whose party I am going to tonight I am probably going sailing with on New Year's Day, it'll be freezing but hopefully really good.

I've eaten way too much already though and I still need to study even if I don't go to the library I need to finish Transport in Plants and Cell Membranes and do a practice paper :(

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

A little bit more'normal'

I got up and went swimming with my Dad and little brother, I only did 2km because played around with my brother quite a lot but exercise is exercise.
Then I walked over to the library, on the way I slipped on some ice and got my jeans covered in mud, luckily I had a long coat on and I didn't have to walk around with my muddy bum showing!
Then I did about an hour and forty minutes revision. I still need to do about 2 more hours which I can do tomorrow and Friday but then I am pretty much ready for my 1st year Biology paper. I still haven't done any revision, learning, comprehension of 2nd year yet...WHY DID I FASTRACK!? I'll be ok though, I hope.

So food wise today I've had about 150 cals of twiglets crisps and 75 cals of gingerbread. I don't know if I have to have dinner or not :/
Exercise equals 2km swim, one hour walking.

I'm not weighing myself until New Years Day.

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

I feel blank and empty inside. I've been eating too much over Christmas, I just want to get back to normality even though normality swimming and swimming and swimming and studying and being hungry but not hungry enough and not thin enough and not happy. I want it back still.

Sunday, 26 December 2010

:'/

I accidentally sent a text to Alice's home phone not her mobile (cell)...so her mum read my message about being worried about staying at their house over New Year because I have to eat and can't exercise. I'm so embarrassed. Her mum doesn't know that I used to have anorexia or that I'm still ED'd, well, she does now.
I don't know if I can face going there now, I want to see Alice but OhMyGod I'm so scared.
Her mum is lovely but very...blunt she openly asks me about my problems (I did meet Alice in a psych hospital by the way so her mum knows I have some problems) and I'm really worried she'll ask me about the ED. I'm also worried she'll think it is me causing Alice to be ED'd as her Mum has only just realised that Alice 'kind of has a problem'. F*uckF*uckF*uck.


I ate way too much yesterday, so I'm not eating today. Hopefully I'll go for a walk or a bike ride too.

I love you guys, someone tell me what to do about going to Alice's for New Year :/

Saturday, 25 December 2010

Merry Christmas One and All


Well it is 12:30 pm on Christmas day, I've finished opening my presents, watched some christmas TV and dundundun...eaten some chocolate. It was not a slip up, I feel guilty but it is Christmas, I am not going to apologise for a tiny piece of Chocolate. It is ok. And I'll go for a walk later anyway ;)
I got a silver bracelet and some silver earrings, a scarf, some really cool socks, a photo album, a book, a new journal and a lovely soft dressing gown which I'm wearing now because it is so cold!
Christmas Dinner hasn't been cooked yet, I don't know what time we're having it I need to schedule it around my walk.

Yesterday I saw my psych, it was pretty hard, I got weighed, I'd lost a little but not a huge amount. I showed her my food diary, she didn't say a lot. I'm meant to carry on eating an apple in the morning and trying to have soup for lunch. I felt really depressed yesterday, I almost cried at the end of the session so I didn't say Merry Christmas or anything to my psych, which was kind of rude of me. I'm next seeing her the first week of January once I'm back at college I want to have lost 4 kg by then but I probably won't have as the pool is closed half of next week :(

I am really behind with my revision, I didn't do any yesterday but it seems a bit weird to do it on Christmas Day, there isn't a lot else to do though!

Merry Christmas Everyone, I hope you're all having lovely days and for those of you who've already had Christmas dinner, try not to feel bad, it is just one day just try to relax.

Thursday, 23 December 2010

The Last Beginning

Just start anew, anew, anew
No more junk and puke.
As instead I pursue
Clarity, translucence,
Sustenance of the mind.
As I gorge myself on knowledge
And men look away
I am clean and pure and safe
Empty, hollow, air fills me
Air sustains me
I breathe in and speak poetry,
Knowledge, speak of restraint
Speak of peace
Walk light, walk free
Walk - myself - thin...

Urgh

I'd only had a coffee all day, then I made gingerbread and tried some. It was only a piece, but I feel very very very full and sick and disgusting.

I know it is water, I know it is water

I drank a litre and a half of water and then realised I'd forgotten to weigh myself. Then I weighed myself and was obviously heavier so according to today's weight my BMI is 20 again. I KNOW it is water obviously it is water but I still feel huge because my BMI is 20 now. Even though a BMI of 20 isn't huge.

I didn't have my apple.

I'm having wonton soup (100cals) for dinner.
Then I'm going out and that may involve alcohol :/ so maybe calories there... but I really want to stay under 200 calories so I may just have diet coke and act tipsy.

There is more snow forecast for the South East of England...which if it happens will probably mean my psychiatrist appointment is cancelled tomorrow. Which sucks because I REALLY want to see her before Christmas...she has to work Christmas Eve anyway but I feel a bit guilty seeing her on Christmas Eve :/

It is funny how things change, a few weeks ago I couldn't stop myself from purging even liquid, now I can't think about purging, the idea makes it impossible to do. Eating anything is really hard and the idea of binging seems alien. I guess that is ED-NOS for you.

No words come out
Not food goes in
She runs around her ugly mind
Searches for escape
She runs around the block again
Searches for lost weight

She doesn't know when the balance tipped
From sanity that was never there
To body pure
Bones and Bones she counts them
ribs, spine, hips, knees
bones she doesn't know that are newly found

No words come out
Not food goes in
She wants to slowly slowly disappear
Slowly slowly fade away

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

So today was quite good ??

I got up and ate my apple (50 cals), then I went swimming with my little brother and my Dad, I only did 2km because I was playing with my little brother as well as swimming lengths.
Then I went to library and actually did some work, I'm still behind but if I do the same amount tomorrow and Friday I should be ok.
Then I went to Starbucks and wrote in my diary with a coffee light frappé (73 cals). I came home and spent quite a lot of time with my mum just chatting and cooking dinner. For dinner I had:
1 sausage (78 cals), green beans (15 cals), flageolet beans (50), a spoonful of rice (50)
So today I've had 316 calories and done 2 hours of exercise and over an hour of revision. I also lost weight this morning which was nice. I feel a bit bad because I know I'm not eating enough but I feel good because I'm following 'the rules'.
I really hope it doesn't snow any more this week, I'm seeing my psych on Friday (Christmas Eve) but if it snows she probably won't be able to get to the clinic and I really want to talk to her before Christmas and I need a prescription.

Today IS going to be a better day

So I'm going swimming and I'll do about 3km then I've set myself at least 2 hours of revision in the city library (fewer distractions). This means I'm not home and can't eat. I'll be home for dinner but I'll have all of my 350 calories then unless I'm allowed to have the wonton soup for dinner...But I can't pretend to be ill again for awhile because I did yesterday and I just had carrot and broccoli for dinner and my parents weren't really very happy...
So I have to feign normality for awhile which will hopefully mean I go out a lot and get a lot of work done.

Christmas 25th December
I'm at home with my Mum, Dad and two brothers (21 and 12 years old), we're having a Chicken, sausages wrapped in bacon, loads of veg (thank goodness!), gravy, roast potatoes etc etc
But hopefully it'll be the only meal of the day and I can just eat a lot of vegetables.

Boxing Day 26th December
Hopefully I won't have to eat anything, everyone will just drift around the house and any 'meal' will be more of a buffet. We'll probably go for a walk.

Monday 27th December
20 people (family) will be in my house...there will be A LOT of food however we won't all be sitting round a table to eat (we don't have a room big enough!) so hopefully I can get away with salad and some prawns or something.

New Year
I'm going to Empty Alice's...originally I was going 30th-2nd but I think it is more likely I'll go 31st to the 2nd (I should probably talk to her before writing this...) as I have got really behind on revision. I'm also REALLY scared of her Mum's baking, her Mum doesn't know I have or have ever had an ED and I'm quite worried about her finding out so I generally say yes to food at Alice's. My BMI was meant to be 18 for New Year, it isn't going to be 18 until at least the 14th January FAIL.

Then I go back to college and have exams and stress and a sailing reunion party and I really really REALLY need to email someone saying I can't do this Sailing Theory course I just don't know what to tell them. I don't really have the money, I don't really know enough stuff, I'm really too scared to go and do it. I really need to tell them asap.

What else is going on in my life? Not a lot really. My life really isn't very exciting but I kind of like it that way.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

And it is two years down the line
And I'm so confused
what happened that day?
I can't touch reality for more than a moment
Bones stand proud, through skin
Ground me, Ground me in madness.
Centre me, hip bones
Calm me, ribs
but oh spine, oh spine you terrify me
hips I thee caress
fingers brush collarbone
calmed, centred, grounded
in my confused madness
of lies and tears
locks and keys
rape and love
hate and bones

My mother

She can't talk to me. I'm clearly upset and she just ignores it, changes the subject. I feel shit. I'm angry with everyone. I'm pissed of with everything any one does.

Miss Grumpy....I can be the new Mr. Men character


Ok so I haven't taken my medication properly for about 2 weeks meaning it isn't working meaning I'm more depressed and all over the place that usual. But that is not the whole reason I feel bad, it is just the time of year.
I don't have time for anyone at the moment, I mean in real life. I have time for people's blogs I just want to focus on losing weight and passing my exams and the internet I'm CONTENT with that being my life.
I went to a school reunion last night, there was a reason I didn't talk to a lot of people at school - I didn't like them - yet there I was 3 years later going "OH how is university!?" blahblahsoddingblah.
And I don't know if I can swim today :/ and I can't make myself revise. And I've have 3 iced gingerbread things (lebkuchen) that are 30 calories each meaning I can't have my soup. I found wonton soup in the supermarket yesterday. I've been looking for it in supermarkets, asain grocers etc for about THREE YEARS. It is 100cal per tin! I love it. But I can't eat it today unless I'm allowed to have it for dinner.
I need to do some college work. I'm so cold. There is a tonne of snow. I really need hand-warmers. So I can write, type and text with warm hands if cold fingers!

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Speak

There is a thread on PT about movies about anorexia etc. Speak isn't about eating disorders, really it is about rape.
It just made me cry and now I have all these emotions spilling over and I want to cry, to be sick, to cut.
What made me cry the most is when at the end she tells her mum all about what happens.
My mum *knows* I was raped at 9 and 15 but I don't think she believes me. I lied about what happened when I was 9 for a long time and now I think she thinks I'm lying. I feel awful, I feel so sad. I want to cut off all my hair, rip myself to shreds, starve away, disappear. I want to show my pain yet I want to hide it all away. I don't know how I feel.

It is steak, chips and salad for dinner. :'(
I'm so sad I've damaged my oesophagus, I get terrible pain when and after I eat.

Birthday Cake

It is my Dad's birthday, he liked his present from me (A book of French road maps...mon papa est fou!).
I had terrible back pain again last night, had to go and wake my mum up. I hate doing that. Anyway I also had indigestion and terrible stomach pains 12 hours after eating so I didn't have my apple this morning. I've had some cucumber and coffee. Which is a bit rubbish of me given it is 2pm.

I'm worrying about the birthday cake.
The whole cake is 2720 not including the icing! It is a seven and a half inch round cake and I'll be expected to have about a ninth? Which is about 300 calories plus icing :S AND I have to eat dinner :( ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I hope the trains and buses are all running tomorrow. I'm going swimming, then buying a new diary just to last a few weeks until I get my new one at New Year from my brother, I get through about 120 pages a month so I am buying one tomorrow that is 64 pages and will last about two weeks?
Then I am meeting my Best Friend she has been at university since October so I can't wait to see her.
Then we are having dinner.... :/ she knows everything; I can't get away with any tricks :/
Then we are going to a big party with all the people I went to school with, the only problem is if the snow is bad there will be hardly anyone there and it'll SUCK!

I'm wearing a green dress I made, a red cardigan, red tights, pearl earrings, pearly/white beaded necklace and black heels/flats. Full make up with bright red lipstick and all christmassy! I really want to see everyone...I do feel kinda fat though these situations always involve cameras and my BMI is about 19.8 at the moment, which doesn't suit me.

Saturday, 18 December 2010

it is just too much

soup - 42
orange juice - 100
2 breadsticks - 40
chicken - 150
rice - 100
veggies - 50
yoghurt - 103
= 585

There is no way I can eat my apple in the morning. I'm fucking up on day 2.

I don't know what to say, I'm eating too much, I'm not eating enough. I can't even eat a damn apple because then I'm over 600 for my noon to noon day...I'm over 600 on a bloody normal persons day.

WHY DO I EAT SO MUCH?
WHY DO O WANT MORE?

An apple a day keeps the psychiatrist away

I had my apple.
I had my soup.
I made my Dad's birthday cake - marbled chocolate and vanilla with strawberry-chocolate icing.

I cannot eat it.

I haven't done any revision.
My room is a mess.

Later I am running around a play gym which is big soft play thing with slides and rope bridges and tunnels for about 2 hours so I'm hoping to really burn some calories.

The snow has hit us here, there is now about 6 inches.


EDIT: The snow means the party at the play gym is cancelled :( so no calorie burning. I'm so worried about dinner...I've had soup, and 100calories of orange juice since the 12 noon start to my 'day' putting me on 142 calories so if I have dinner I don't think I can eat my apple in the morning...

Friday, 17 December 2010

food is my every, my only thought

I can't stop thinking about food. I want to eat but I can't. I've had 272 calories today, plus my apple in the morning I'll end my 'day' (see last post) on about 325...which isn't enough. But I don't think I can do any more.

I need to start revision tomorrow.

I miss people, I miss the PT meet, I miss Empty Alice, I miss Lissy. I want to see people, people like me.

I need to have more liquids, I'm really dehydrated.


I had my psych session at 10am this morning, I agreed to count my 'food day' from noon until noon the next day this way I can eat first thing in the morning if I have enough calories left over. I'm meant to start eating an apple every morning for breakfast. I think I can do that, I feel a bit pathetic for being scared of an apple but it is hard. I'm kinda meant to have soup for lunch too but I don't know if I can do that as well.
In an attempt to explain what my 'food day' will look like:

Monday 12 noon - Day 1

1pm - Soup (50cals) MAYBE
7pm - Dinner (200-300cals)
Tuesday 9am - Apple (60cals)

Tuesday 12 noon - Day 2
etc...

I think I can do that? In fact I'll probably be eating less. She wants me to eat something EVERY day too no fasting days, and record everything I eat.

On the more positive side my psych is going to come to my first adult mental health meeting if they let her, it would be good to have her there, I'm really scared about it.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

I love you guys x

Pain

I've spent the last two nights in the worst pain I've ever had, which sounds really melodramatic but it has been truly awful and there is no way I can exercise.

I've already failed today and had a biscuit and a small piece of cake :( plus coffee that is 200 calories I have no way of burning off. I can't even shower it hurts too much. My back and chest hurt so much and the painkillers have mucked up my stomach.

I had to cancel meeting my friend, which I feel so mean for even though it is a genuine reason.

I feel so huge and I can't get to my scale there is a ginourmous (1 metre cube) pile of books in the way which are being stored in my bedroom.
I have a weigh in tomorrow so I'll find out my weight anyway ut I hate not knowing what my weight is beforehand in case I've gained.

MY BOOK FINALLY ARRIVED!!! It is Nikki Grahame 'Dying to be Thin' I've already read half of it today! It is so nice to finally read even though the book isn't that great it is all about food and weight and calories so I can actually concentrate on it :)

My parents know I'm ill so I'm not planning on eating anything else today, I'm planning on enjoying hunger.I WANT TO BE SICK, I want to be the sickest.

I got my initial appointment date for adult mental health (CMHT) the appointment is with a psychiatrist, nurse, someone from the intake team and someone from the enhanced team. I don't know what the enhanced team is...it is on the 14th of January by which time my BMI is meant to be about 17.7... I need it to be low, I don't want them to think I'm fat, I need to lose and lose and lose in time for this appointment. I want to go swimming today but I know I can't because of my back. I'll rest today and go tomorrow lunchtime hopefully.

I feel so sick, like I'm going to vomit. The only painkiller that is working is one I have overdosed on many times, I hate taking it but I hate the pain even more.

I'm sorry I'm complaining so much, I'm sorry I'm so fat, I'm sorry for so many many things.

I got 83% on my mock Biology paper, but I cheated, I'd seen the paper beforehand, I'm such a bad person.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Frequent blogging

Sorry to blog again so quickly, I've just caught up on as many blogs as I can right now. I feel so pent up, so anxious, so full and so disgusting.
I'm planning on fitting back into my age 14/Size 6 jeans tomorrow and I go and eat CHOCOLATE I mean what is wrong with me??? I don't understand myself. Mum says I have to eat the bolognaise as I haven't been having enough 'real food'.
Tomorrow I'm going to a friends for coffee at midday, I'm very worried it'll turn into lunch then I'm going to the Library and then swimming. I think I'll lie to her and say I've had a massive cooked breakfast...hopefully the issue of lunch won't arise.
I'M NOT EATING TOMORROW, NOT A THING.
Then on Friday I'm seeing my psych, she wants me to eat and to drink normally, the past few days drinking has been hard, which is ridiculous. If I can eat chocolate today and binge and purge on Macdonalds why can't I drink, or drink without purging it. This is just so DUMB.

Pretty Desperate said that I must be tiny in a comment. But I'm really not, my BMI is 19 however I have 40% muscle mass so a lot of the weight I guess is muscle. But I'm really not 'tiny' nor do I have bones sticking out or anything.

I still feel so pent up, this writing isn't very cathartic. I want to get dinner over an done with but my brother has taken a break from cooking...
I'll probably blog AGAIN later or tomorrow morning...I love you guys <3

Oh bugger...on a list of things

1. My dad spilt coffee on the laptop so now it is really dodgy and wasn't working at all yesterday. Which means many apologies for being behind on so many of your blogs!

2. My book from Amazon still hasn't arrived!

3. I ate chocolate and I can't purge, which means I'm stuck with a total of 500 calories inside me plus dinner...I AM NOT EATING TOMORROW. I really really hate myself right now, why did I even buy the chocolate?!?! Oh and I binged and purged on MacDonalds yesterday. I spent the night in agongy from straining my back swimming and purging and killing my chest purging. Gross.

I just feel really down. I screwed up, really badly and I want to rip myself to shreds. I realised how much eating or not eating effects my mood. My mood is completely dependent.

I am addicted to the internet, I felt awful not being able to get on here yesterday.

Monday, 13 December 2010

Today has been really nice

My teacher wasn't there this morning so we just had to do a few sheets and then we could go and my afternoon lesson was cancelled.
I went into town and bought a dress and a shirt which came to £12!!! So that was great :) one is age 13-14 and one is size 8 but the size 8 is a shirt dress so it isn't like sizes matter, my size 6 ball gown is too big now which sucks a little as I was planning on wearing it next week...
Then I met my friend G AKA 'stalker boy' for coffee in Starbucks and we exchanged Christmas presents, I gave him a silly hat he made me a certificate saying I'm "not completely psycho" ;P
Then I went to the library for an hour and read fiction. I cannot tell you guys how long it has been since I've just been able to read a book for enjoyment. I'm reading 'The Legacy' which is the last in a series by Gemma Malley set in the future where everyone lives forever due to a drug but the drug stops working.
Then I went swimming. I only swam for 75 minutes not the usual 90-100 but it was still really good.
Best of all I haven't purged today.

I've had
Coffee- 20
Light Caramel frappécino - 130 (I ordered the coffee one which is 73 calories but they gave me the wrong one)
Cereal bar- 80
Chinese dumpling soup - 140
Cucumber- 10

TOTAL - 380

I'm pretty happy with that, especially as I exercised. I feel a bit bad because I know the only reason I'm happy is because I haven't had to eat too much but I like feeling happy...

Sunday, 12 December 2010

The Weekend

So I didn't eat Thursday or Friday or Saturday, but I haven't weighed myself so I don't know if it has done anything. Empty Alice was here yesterday until just now. We had soup and jelly today but that is it. Now she has gone home I just want to eat and eat and eat and purge. Though really I don't WANT to do that. I don't know what I want, so I'm just not going to eat anything.
I had a really good time with Alice :) we spent a lot of time in Starbucks sitting in arm chairs but also over 3 hours shopping and walking and chatting and just, it was lovely.
I really hope I've lost something the past few days :/

Saturday, 11 December 2010

I'm stupid

People like Shannice make me want to kick myself up the arse and just eat dammit, just get the hell BETTER. If she is trying so hard to do it why can't I?
The short answer is that I just don't want it enough.
I told my psych yesterday that I didn't want to be like this, I just didn't want to not be like it enough to not be like it. So I'm stuck, I can't eat. She offered to admit me, to call my mum so she could enforce a meal plan at home. I said no. I'm not thin enough for that kind of intervention.
I want to get better but I don't feel like I can until I am thin enough, until I reach the weight requirement for anorexia again. I want to be 99lbs, my BMI will be 16.8. I want it more than I want my health and more than I want my freedom. And people that is just plain stupid, but I'm doing it anyway, because I don't know how else to do it and I just CAN'T give in. I don't even know what I would be giving in to but I can't give in.

Friday, 10 December 2010

eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat

I just want to eat and eat and eat. I can't, I'm not eating until Sunday night, or at least that is the plan. Then I'm eating 300 per day until forever.

20th January is my goal weight day. I'm behind on my targets so I need to lose 5lbs by next Friday (I don't think I can)

I might change my scales to for in lbs instead of kg. Just to mix it up.

I miss Lissy, I didn't text her today, I felt a bit clingy but I feel a bit bad for not texting her. I wonder how she is.

I wish crying burnt more calories

I saw my psych, we talked about food and what to do about it but we didn't get very far. I told her I wasn't eating because there is nothing she can do about it. She said I wasn't fat and I cried, and cried and cried, I walked out and we ended up sitting on these mini chairs in the playroom but I still couldn't just talk because she had another patient waiting and I was just sat there crying wasting her time.

I want to be honest with you guys, tell you all everything, but there are some things I just can't type out.

My friend is coming to stay, she has an ED but I feel like if I don't eat then she will feel like she can't eat and I don't want to do that to her, so I will maybe have to eat something tomorrow. I'm really glad she is coming, I just worry I'll be awful and cry again.

I got my letter for referral to adult mental health. It is for a different clinic in a different town to the one I was expecting but the clinics both do the same thing so I guess it doesn't really matter. I have to call them by Wednesday to make an appointment otherwise they will send my file back to the GP. I'm really scared of calling them. I'm really scared of seeing them.

I just want to cry and cry and cry.

Fasting = lose weight....right??? Wrong.

I managed to gain 1.5kg since yesterday morning despite not eating. I just don't understand so as of this morning my BMI is 20 again. I hope, beg even pray that it is just water weight, that my body has not turned further against me. I hate this.

Thursday, 9 December 2010

I didn't eat today, I lied to my parents and told them I was meeting a friend for dinner. I really wish I had been, I wish I was normal a lot at the moment.
I swam 3.33km and walked for about 90minutes which was nice as my new swimming costume arrived.
My book however has not arrived!!!

I have my psych appointment tomorrow morning, I really have no idea what she is going to say to me. I wrote her a letter and told her about how much I had been purging and how it had been mainly liquids. I also wrote a really emotional letter about how I felt about food and how I didn't know what to do and couldn't make any decisions. Which was very cathartic but I'm worried what her reaction will be.
I've had some smoothie but I'm not eating today, I don't want to purge and I didn't lose weight yesterday or today :( so I really need to lose today otherwise I'm going to be way off my next target weight which is meant to be tomorrow...I'm not going to make it, I need to lose 2lbs by tomorrow some of which may be water weight...but I'm not that hopeful. I'll keep you guys updated but I'm not telling you any numbers at the moment.

I feel so huge. I have to see my psych tomorrow, I haven't seen her in 2 weeks and I've only lost 5lbs since then which isn't even noticeable. We're going to be talking about food stuff, the possibility of a meal plan and stuff like that and I just can't deal with it when my BMI is still stuck at bloody 19 point something :(

I don't want to be weighed and measured and seen as too big, too small, too fat, too thin. I just want to disappear. I want to fast until Monday but I can't because of my parents.

I want to go to London and look after and just relax Lissy but she probably won't let me.

Big hug to Appendix, I hope you feel better soon xxx

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Return to normality of a 'special' kind

I had the ECG, it looked fine to me but what do I know, my Doctor will look at it next week as it was a practice nurse who did the ECG. My pulse was only 40bpm which is low (normal is about 70) but not my lowest my blood pressure was 'low' too but the nurse didn't say what it was. She told me to go home and drink lots of water and rest, but I went to the City library and then when swimming, which I know probably wasn't a very good idea but yeh I did and I swam for 1hr40mins, 3.3km and I've walked for about 90 minutes today. Which apparently totals at 995 calories burnt according to caloriesperhour.com.

I've eaten about 640 calories which is another high day in my book but I HAVEN'T PURGED.

I just want to thank you all for the support recently, for telling me that purging is not good, that I am strong. It really means a lot.

The gag is back


I made myself sick last night, I want to do it now because I've had 300 calories. But I'm trying not to especially as I will be swimming later.

I ordered a new swimming costume but I don't think it has arrived yet and I ordered Nikki Grahame's Book "Dying to be Thin" as she was in the same hospital as I was briefly but that hasn't come either :(


I had an appointment with a man this morning, he was maybe going to be my new therapist but we decided what I really need to work on is the eating and he can't help me with that. It was ok though.


I have an ECG (EKG) in 2 hours, I'm quite nervous, mainly because I have to take my top off and it'll be cold and I'll be like...naked practically with little electrodes stuck to my chest. I've had one before but it was when I was 10 and didn't need a bra :S

Monday, 6 December 2010

Today was ok, exhausting but ok.
I ate 700 calories and haven't purged. I feel so so guilty but I physically can't make myself sick anymore, I just can't gag.

Sunday, 5 December 2010

success?

So I purged 3 times yesterday, which is not success. So instead of aiming for not purging AT ALL today I'm allowing myself to purge once, I know it is bad but it is better than 3 times.

I lost weight again this morning, another half a lb which is success. I just wish I had done it through restriction and exercise instead of restriction and purging...

I fit in my size 4 (UK) GAP high waisted skirt :) there is no way I would fit in size 4 (UK) jeans but it is nice to fit in the skirt because I love the skirt.

I need to do my homework today, purging disorganises me, I think it does the same to everyone. My room is a mess, my hair and face are a mess (!), my homework is un-done. So my aim is to be more organised.

My best friend called me last night, she has been away at university since October and we've barely been able to speak but it was the last day of term for her yesterday so she called me. It was so lovely to hear from her even though I could tell her completely lovely things. I was honest with her about the purging, I'm almost always honest with her but it is something I'm getting better at with other people besides her.

Saturday, 4 December 2010

I've purged twice today so far...
I took my little brother into town this afternoon which was nice but tiring and involved hot chocolate.
I'm just so tired.
Yet I want to throw up again and again and again.


Erin Rose: yep like orange or blackcurrant concentrate squash you mix with water to make a drink, I use the sugar free kind :)

Saturday

It is 10:30am my parents have just left for London. I had 120 calories at breakfast with them and don't know if or what I'll have to have for dinner. I lost half a lb this morning and yesterday morning. Today's tasks? To not purge, to not eat too much, to entertain my little brother. And at a stretch to leave the house to post a letter. Leaving the house would be a lot easier if the whole town wasn't completely iced over. It rained in the night which helped melt some of the snow but then it froze. I was so happy to have lost a second day running that I almost told my Dad, obviously I realised that would be about as sane as telling him that I threw up the dinner he cooked last night and didn't.


I want to be the girl in this photo

Friday, 3 December 2010

Exhaustion

I feel exhausted. I purged twice today...so that was a fail.
I'm really scared about tomorrow. My parents are going to London and this creates the perfect circumstances to purge. I've started just drinking loads of squash and purging, which is bloody pointless! But I keep doing it.
I just don't know what to so all day tomorrow...I really want to go the whole day without purging, I just don't know how to get through it.




Replies to questions :D

I want to eat so badly at the moment, I am distracting myself by writing this, I've already had 200 calories today and it is only 3.15pm :/
I was meant to be going out tonight but I think all my friends have cancelled because of the snow :(

Questions:

Do you have a pet?
I have a blonde Labrador called Tess :)

When did you first kiss someone?
On scout camp when I was 14.

What is your favourite movie?
The Black Book, it is in Dutch with English subtitles and is set in WW2 about a Jewish woman acting as a spy for the resistance.

If you could go anywhere right now, where would it be?
Paris, I love Paris, I would go to the fabric shop district by Sacre Cœur and to a little town on the North West suburbs which is reall posh, and also down the road from there to Saint-Germain :)

Who do you think is the hottest celebrity in the world?
I have no male celebrity crushes, I like Keira Knightley and Emma Watson, I think they are pretty hot and also awesome thinspo!

When you think of your childhood what is the first thing that pops into your head?
The house I lived in in London, mainly I think of the downstairs, the dining/sitting room, and I remember the rugs we had on the floors

What is your favourite book?
How I Live Now By Meg Rosoff. It is all my dreams and daydreams in a book.

What is your favourite colour?
Turquoise

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Walking through the snow...Question request?

So I went on this hike and it was a hike not a walk. The snow was knee deep for a lot of it and it was really hard work, which I loved.

Then I came home and had a massive urge to purge and so I drank a load of blackcurrant squash and purged. Now I feel like I have to purge dinner...I've told myself if I purge dinner I'm not allowed to purge for a week. But I don't feel like I have control over it. I've purged 9 times in 9 days but some days I haven't purged and one day I purged three times in one day. And by time I mean session so I have no idea how many times I've actually vomited.

I tried writing to my psych but I didn't have anything to say.

I hope the snow magically all disappears over night and I can just have a normal day tomorrow. But that isn't going to happen, it is still snowing now :/


I wondered if you guys had any questions about me? Because I've never really introduced myself on here and not many of you really know me that well from PT. So feel free to ask, literally ANYTHING. But you don't have to, I just wondered.

Your comments mean so much to me, I love coming on here and having comments :D

A bloody foot of snow!

It did exactly what I didn't want it to do overnight, it snowed, a lot. Now my psych appointment is cancelled and I can't go swimming.
I've already eaten 420 calories because my mum made me a massive breakfast. I am going for a hike in a bit. I don't know how many extra calories you burn walking in the snow as opposed to just normally but I know it is a lot more effort so I'm hoping to burn off at least half of the calories I've eaten.

I'm pretending I have my period as I do every month to my mum, so I'm going to have "really bad cramps" at dinner tonight so I don't have to eat any more food today.


Ok apparently if I walk at 3mph in the snow for 1 hour I should burn 720calories?! I don't know that I believe that gah now I don't know how much to count it as :( maybe I just shouldn't count just write it down as 'some exercise is better than none'


So far so good on the not purging front.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Fear


I purged once today, which isn't great but is better than I had been doing. I'm really worried about tomorrow. I'm really worried it is going to snow loads over night and I won't be able to go swimming and that my psych appointment will be cancelled. Yet I'm really scared of GOING to my psych appointment.

I'm scared she'll make me eat,
I'm scared she thinks I'm fat,
I'm scared she thinks I'm lying
.