Thursday, 23 December 2010

I know it is water, I know it is water

I drank a litre and a half of water and then realised I'd forgotten to weigh myself. Then I weighed myself and was obviously heavier so according to today's weight my BMI is 20 again. I KNOW it is water obviously it is water but I still feel huge because my BMI is 20 now. Even though a BMI of 20 isn't huge.

I didn't have my apple.

I'm having wonton soup (100cals) for dinner.
Then I'm going out and that may involve alcohol :/ so maybe calories there... but I really want to stay under 200 calories so I may just have diet coke and act tipsy.

There is more snow forecast for the South East of England...which if it happens will probably mean my psychiatrist appointment is cancelled tomorrow. Which sucks because I REALLY want to see her before Christmas...she has to work Christmas Eve anyway but I feel a bit guilty seeing her on Christmas Eve :/

It is funny how things change, a few weeks ago I couldn't stop myself from purging even liquid, now I can't think about purging, the idea makes it impossible to do. Eating anything is really hard and the idea of binging seems alien. I guess that is ED-NOS for you.

No words come out
Not food goes in
She runs around her ugly mind
Searches for escape
She runs around the block again
Searches for lost weight

She doesn't know when the balance tipped
From sanity that was never there
To body pure
Bones and Bones she counts them
ribs, spine, hips, knees
bones she doesn't know that are newly found

No words come out
Not food goes in
She wants to slowly slowly disappear
Slowly slowly fade away

4 comments:

  1. i'm glad that purging now seems weird and hard for you - let's hope it stays that way!
    xx

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  2. Its wonderful how you feel about purging--I am very very relieved and happy to hear this.

    and I am happy for you to acknowledge that you know your gain is water(which it certainly is. A liter is a LOT of water) and that your BMI isnt huge even if it is full of water weight.

    I do love that tattoo too

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  3. just wanted to let you know i'm here for you.
    I absolutely love the last line of your poem - that's exactly it.
    love you x

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  4. It certainly is just water. I bet that will be confirmed with tomorrow's weigh-in. :)

    I think that drinking Diet Coke and acting tipsy is perfectly FINE. In fact, it's actually healthier than what alcohol would do to your liver in the long-run, anyway. I like to drink and party and all that, but I don't know if it's worth it. I say, if you want to party, just smoke weed. It makes you feel so wonderful when you're empty. Like an angel. Or at least it does to me.

    Whereas alcohol just makes me lose my barriers.

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