Thursday, 16 December 2010

Pain

I've spent the last two nights in the worst pain I've ever had, which sounds really melodramatic but it has been truly awful and there is no way I can exercise.

I've already failed today and had a biscuit and a small piece of cake :( plus coffee that is 200 calories I have no way of burning off. I can't even shower it hurts too much. My back and chest hurt so much and the painkillers have mucked up my stomach.

I had to cancel meeting my friend, which I feel so mean for even though it is a genuine reason.

I feel so huge and I can't get to my scale there is a ginourmous (1 metre cube) pile of books in the way which are being stored in my bedroom.
I have a weigh in tomorrow so I'll find out my weight anyway ut I hate not knowing what my weight is beforehand in case I've gained.

MY BOOK FINALLY ARRIVED!!! It is Nikki Grahame 'Dying to be Thin' I've already read half of it today! It is so nice to finally read even though the book isn't that great it is all about food and weight and calories so I can actually concentrate on it :)

My parents know I'm ill so I'm not planning on eating anything else today, I'm planning on enjoying hunger.I WANT TO BE SICK, I want to be the sickest.

I got my initial appointment date for adult mental health (CMHT) the appointment is with a psychiatrist, nurse, someone from the intake team and someone from the enhanced team. I don't know what the enhanced team is...it is on the 14th of January by which time my BMI is meant to be about 17.7... I need it to be low, I don't want them to think I'm fat, I need to lose and lose and lose in time for this appointment. I want to go swimming today but I know I can't because of my back. I'll rest today and go tomorrow lunchtime hopefully.

I feel so sick, like I'm going to vomit. The only painkiller that is working is one I have overdosed on many times, I hate taking it but I hate the pain even more.

I'm sorry I'm complaining so much, I'm sorry I'm so fat, I'm sorry for so many many things.

I got 83% on my mock Biology paper, but I cheated, I'd seen the paper beforehand, I'm such a bad person.

6 comments:

  1. Don't be so hard on yourself. you are putting through an amazing effort.

    and who doesnt cheat occasionally? gawd knows I have done it (ooppssiee)

    Glad your book arrived, though! sit down and put a nice hot compress on your back and read. you deserve to relax. and NO you did not eat too much today. I am eating sour patch kids for brekkie as we speak, so you are fine, missy.

    Dont feel sorry for speaking your mind! none of us hear will judge you--we all understand you and love you too much!

    feel better <3

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  2. 83 per cent is 83 per cent so don't feel guilty :)

    I'm sorry you feel so ill! Hopefully you can rearrange to see your friend soon? X

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  3. Hey :) Don't worry about the cals. Just try to say 'no' the text time.
    You're wirting about your back ache. Why does it ache? Will the pain ever go away or do you have to take painkillers for it?
    Stay strong xo

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  4. Hope you feel better soon, hun! Get lots of rest. <3

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  5. It's ok honey, just get lots of rest, get well soon!
    xoxoxo
    HUGS AND KISSES GALORE

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  6. hope your ok, thinking of you
    xxx

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