Sunday, 19 December 2010


There is a thread on PT about movies about anorexia etc. Speak isn't about eating disorders, really it is about rape.
It just made me cry and now I have all these emotions spilling over and I want to cry, to be sick, to cut.
What made me cry the most is when at the end she tells her mum all about what happens.
My mum *knows* I was raped at 9 and 15 but I don't think she believes me. I lied about what happened when I was 9 for a long time and now I think she thinks I'm lying. I feel awful, I feel so sad. I want to cut off all my hair, rip myself to shreds, starve away, disappear. I want to show my pain yet I want to hide it all away. I don't know how I feel.

It is steak, chips and salad for dinner. :'(
I'm so sad I've damaged my oesophagus, I get terrible pain when and after I eat.


  1. i love you , please don't cry darling. and i'm sorry. it was not your fault. xxx

  2. so sorry love. I know how it feels to have someone not believe you--my mom thinks I lie about purging. I hope that your throat is not permanantly damaged--try to lay off the purging for a while.


    I hope that you can find a way to release the pain helpfully.

  3. I'm so sorry Eloise.
    I didn't watch the movie but I read the book and couldn't stop myself from crying.
    I'm so so sorry you feel that waya bout your mum- that's the reason I didn't even tell mine. Looking back, I honestly don't see how the 9 yr old me kept that to herself.

    Please don't cut off your beautiful hair. good lukc with dinner and please be safe. xxxx

  4. I'm so sorry, sweetie. That book/movie hit home for me, too. I never had the guts to tell anyone, tho... I'm sure your mom believes you, but she probably just doesn't want to believe you. If she believes you're lying, then that means you didn't suffer through that, which is what she would prefer, I'm sure.
    Hang in there, luv. We're stronger than the memories that hurt us. <3 <3 <3