Sunday, 30 January 2011

PJ's and a hoodie

I don't really have a lot to say because I didn't do anything yesterday. I showered (improvement on last weekend), folded up some clothes and ate too much.
However I keep writing crazy amounts on people's blog comments so I thought I should blog.
My Dad is really grumpy and I don't know why. Since the argument over sausages I've been doing my own dinner :) this won't last forever, I'll eat with them tonight but yeah, it is good. Except I'm not eating exactly what I want because they still moan at me if I eat a bowl of lettuce or don't include carbs.
My mum has joined a gym and is going on a diet. Her BMI is double mine and my 'UGW' is half her current weight. I worked out she needs to eat about 1300 calories per day and do her aqua aerobics class 2-3 times a week to lose 1.4kg a week. She did ask me to work out her BMI and how much she would lose...though I would have probably done it anyway. She thinks if I don't get into my Psychology and Neuroscience course I should apply to train as a Dietician....ahem.

I realised when I wrote a comment on Night_Flower's blog I could write reviews of different hospitals, it would only be of use to people in the South East of England and London but I could always branch out ;) (jokes) I'm never going to hospital again.

Friday, 28 January 2011

Poochy pongs

I had my ultrasound (on my heart ;) ) there aren't any holes (I already KNEW that!) but the wall of the left atria is thinner than it is meant to be but they can't see that clearly on an ultrasound but that is why my heart doesn't beat hard enough. They think I might have a form of cardio myopathy. Which from googling is vaguely serious...this is why you eat your calories children. But they don't actually know at the moment because I didn't see a consultant it was just a scan person and a registrar so they'll be sending me an appointment sometime but I don't know when.
I have Tourette's Syndrome. And sometimes this can resemble me having a tantrum :/ last night I walked into the kitchen and sausages were frying and I started having really loud squealy tics and one where I jump up and down. Yeh I'm 18... anyway my Dad asked what was wrong and I was like 'I don't want sausages' and he was like 'well don't have them then' and I was like Oh wow that was easy! But then he went off on one about how I don't eat and everything. So in the end I didn't have dinner and I've decided to just avoid food as much as possible again when I had been thinking about eating a bit more.
I'm next seeing my psych on the 4th March which is in 35 days. I want to lose as much weight as possible by then. I don't even know why, I guess I want to prove to her that I'm still mucked up about food. According to losertown my BMI will be 18.2 then, it is like 19.5 at the moment. I don't want to be my lowest which was 13.1 but I want to be 16.8 I don't even know why. It is just a number that sounded 'nice' anyway once I'm 18.2 I'll only have 4kg more to lose. Then what????
This is the eternal quest and the eternal question. Oh and I'll weight 0.3kg by the 30th December 2011, I always like to be capable of dying of starvation within 6 months. I mean I know most people are only that far away from starvation but yeah 28th of June 26.5kg, I'd be dead by then that is 58lbs. I almost died at 78lbs. So in reality I'm 4 months from dying.
I'm not actually going to die, I just like to know it is there. Which is sick and I know it is even sicker because I'm too fat to die and there are people who ARE actually dying from this but yeah. This is my blog, this is what goes on in my head.

Oh and the dog just farted...

Thursday, 27 January 2011

Blueberry muffin dreams

So I saw my psych at 1pm...we didn't really talk about much to do with me like 'feelings' and stuff. I have 3 weeks to decide if I want to see adult mental health before they close my case HOWEVER whatever I decide my psych is going to keep seeing me monthly then six weekly until I go to university!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which means I'm probably going to steer clear of adult mental health because they are scary and my psych is lovely and safe and not going to section me.
So that is really good. Like REALLY GOOD.

I seem to have discovered the ability to eat...I just could not for awhile and now I'm actually consuming food again and digesting it. Not a lot of food but 300 is a lot compared to 0.

I have my heart ultrasound tomorrow. I just realised this time next week I'm doing boat maintenance in Southampton for 3 days (Thursday- Saturday), at the moment I don't have the energy, but I kind of have to. I went to bed at 8pm last night and didn't get up until 11.30 am.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Not that entertaining.

I thought I should probably write something, as I haven't for I think a few days now.

My exam went a lot better than expected. I may have even got a C, I'll still need to resit it to get in to university but it is better than failing.

I swam yesterday and today, I've also had chocolate yesterday and today, 110 cals yesterday and 95 cals today. It isn't a lot but it is very odd for me.

erm I don't really have a lot to say, I'm really incredibly boring. I'm seeing my psych on Thursday but I don't know if that is the last time ever or not :/

I just want to eat, but not eat, basically all the time. So that fills my head and I can't think straight to do anything else. I haven't lost any weight, in fact I gained over the mysterious period that was a proper period (:O) and I haven't weighed myself since then so I don't know if I've lost it again or not.

Like I said, not very interesting. No energy to be creative. Night_Flower and Mich always have a story for everyone, I'm not that entertaining...apologies.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

Given up? Given in?

I have an exam tomorrow, and if I really sat down now I could pass it, I could get a D maybe a C? I'd still have to retake it in the summer to get a good enough grade for university but I would be performing to the expected level. But I'm not studying...I've been on the computer, my grandparents came over. I've been doing nothing, exactly like yesterday and the day before and the day before that.
I haven't showered in 3 days. My hair is disgusting. I've just given in. I will shower this evening for college tomorrow. I might suddenly start cramming later today, but it is already 3pm...
I still have my cold, but I AM going swimming tomorrow afternoon after my exam. And on Tuesday after family therapy and Thursday before my psych appointment and on Friday after my ultrasound (on my heart).
The homework for family therapy is that we all have to write a good thing about each other person. I honestly don't know what to put...

Saturday, 22 January 2011

I have been sitting in the same chair on the computer for over 6 hours. 3 hours was watching brain documentaries. Then about one and a half hours was watching Tracy Beaker Returns. Which is a kids drama about living in a care home.
So there isn't a lot to write about because I haven't done anything.
Unless I suddenly start cramming tomorrow I'm going to fail my exam on Monday. I can resit it in June so it isn't the end of the world but I just have no motivation to work. This is partially because my teacher upset me with her anorexia lesson. But I know that is illogical, if I fail my exam (and the resit) I won't get into university and I won't be able to be a Psychologist. It makes no difference to her.
Anyway I'm going to venture downstairs now. Get a drink.
I do have my period :O it feels odd after so long and I've gained about a kilo (2.2lbs) from it but I know that is just bloating, I used to gain about 5lbs on my period so I might get a nice surprise loss when it stops. The only thing is I don't know how long it is going to last! Or if I'll get it again next month?? I'm going to be on edge now :/ I have no idea what my cycle is :/

Friday, 21 January 2011

I've done nothing all day, I walked the dog but the rest of the time I've either been in bed or on this chair in front of the computer on PT, facebook, blogger etc.
I haven't done any revision, still.
I am hungry.
I'm tired.
I'm addicted to TV. I can't wait to just switch off in front of the telly tonight. I'm so lazy.


Nothing is that wrong. I have a cold. I DO have my period, which feels odd. Erm I have an exam on Monday which I'm finding it impossible to revise for.
I just want to give up, I feel like things are crashing on my head and I don't know what to do. I feel bombarded and I wish I just had normal things going on.

Coffee (20)
2x waffle biscuits (60)

Thursday, 20 January 2011

I'm still angry

I'm still so pissed off about my class yesterday. I want to email my teacher and rant at her, but I can't. It'll come across as rude and I need her to be on my side.
I'm always like this with people, they do or say something and I just lose ALL respect for them.
On the positive I've lost 1.7 lbs over the last 2 days. However, I'm slightly scared. I've not had a proper period since March 2009. I've lied to various people about this because I'm terrified of what it might mean. Anyway, at the moment after I go to the loo the paper is slightly red? It isn't remotely a proper period but there is something going on. hmm.
I need to do revision but all I want to do is eat? Confusing.
I wish I could just let go of my emotions but they consume me every time.
I'm going to have some salad with peri peri BBQ sauce.

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

I had the most pointless day even though I was at college for over 8 hours. Urgh, basically every year at some point the teachers at college get inspected. My Biology teacher got told by the inspector to use more computers and interactive things. So this morning in my 2nd year class we went on the computers only I didn't have my glasses so I couldn't even see the screen and then we came off them and I just sat and chatted to someone for the next hour and a half thus learning nothing. Urgh. Then I had tutorial which is when they check we're ok and teach us how to apply for jobs and about current affairs and stuff. We talked about natural disasters. Urgh. Then this afternoon in 1st year Biology we were doing nutrition. As you can imagine this was hellish for me. My teacher didn't even know the BMI categories and was trying to tell the class that in America having a BMI over 20 meant you were obese...idiot. Anyway, it got worse, she had to drag out this article guessed it ANOREXIA. She knows nothing about the damn disorder. She didn't understand it and oh my goodness I'm still just too angry to write about it. Oh an she knows I used to be severely Anorexic and she still said THE most ignorant things in class. I've basically lost all respect for this woman I used to quite like. Oh and we used more computers, we had to research a diet. I was so tempted to 'research' Ana Bootcamp or something similar, but I didn't actually want my class to think I'm crazy. Only now they all think I'm weird anyway because I kept correcting the teacher and anything anyone said.
AND then we had to write down what we'd eaten yesterday, I didn't do it because I just had salad and that wasn't going to look very good on my food pyramid. URGH.
I have to carry on doing food and nutrition once a week for Biology until about MAY. This was only week ONE.

Monday, 17 January 2011

Today was quite good, but I'm really tired...I had Biology classes all day.
When I got in about half an hour ago I'd only have a 73cal coffee from Starbucks. Then I had a mini danish- 75cals, and a piece of bread with BBQ sauce- 90cals which means I'm on 238 when I'm only meant to have 250 calories today and I'm having chicken and rice for dinner which means at least 120 calories. I know it is my own fault for eating, so I don't really know why I'm writing this, I know I should be able to go 'actually I can have 500 calories today' but ARGH.
I'm also dehydrated, I need to get a big glass of water and just drink it but...I can't be bothered, I'm worried it'll make me gain weight which is just DUMB.

I did use to have logic...honestly.

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Honest Scrap

Ok so Harley gave me this award, which is cool. I don't really know much about it but I know I have to say 10 things about myself. SO I will try to think of some things I haven't already told you guys!

  1. I have never been in love
  2. I am a Sea Scout
  3. I am hopefully going to study Psychology and Neuroscience from September 2011 at university, I think I want to do Clinical work but I'm too scared to tell anyone incase they think that it is only because of my own admissions and such.
  4. My house has 4 floors and three staircases, we have a loo on each floor :P
  5. I know I am clever, which is possibly arrogant?
  6. I want to be a parent
  7. I hate the sound of people eating and drinking
  8. I'm awful at running
  9. I don't want to be an adult (but I already am)
  10. I live in Kent, England
I want to give the award to Night_Flower, Lissy, Appendix, Erin Rose and prettydesperate.

Night_Flower: They can't make stuff up about me, they won't but it was just a bad dream and stuff.

I'm going to have more than 250 calories today, probably 400 because I am having lamb cassoulet and green beans for dinner.

My brother is pissing me off, he eats with his mouth open. He is 22.

Nightmares and Haunting Daydreams

I keep thinking they are going to section me if I ever go there again, that they will lie about what I'm saying so they can lock me up and ruin my life. I have NEVER felt like this about CAMHS ( Child and adolescent services) and they HAVE sent me to hospital in the past.
I had a panic attack yesterday about it, I mean a proper, hyperventilating one and nightmares last night. Which included the psychiatrist from my meeting sexually abusing me (a guy who looked similar to this man did in my first hospital). Which is a pretty screwed up nightmare.
However, today I am getting back on track. I'm having 250 calories, I'm going to walk to dog, I'm doing my laundry, I'm going to do some Biology. I am going to be in control.

Saturday, 15 January 2011

I'm still completely thrown by yesterday, shaken up. I'm so so so scared of them. I don't know what to do about seeing them. I don't know how to get through the next two weeks. Since the appointment I've thought more about killing and cutting myself than I have in the last month.
I was meant to go to a Sailing thing in London with my Dad and little brother today but I can't even be bothered to get dressed. I have about three loads of laundry to do but there is no where to hang it up because my family has done laundry. Gah.
My jaw really hurts because I had the orthodontist yesterday and he tightened my brace.

I just want to give up. I am never going to have the space to just TALK ever again. If I do get therapy it is going to be 'practical living based' which is pointless because I can manage my finances, cook, clean, do laundry. Physically I can do it, I know how to do it! So when am I actually going to get to talk about WHY I have/have had an eating disorder. I've NEVER talked about that. In my four years of therapy I have NEVER spoken about it. But no they want me to learn how to open a bank account with a room full of crazy people.

Friday, 14 January 2011

Well that was pointless and demoralising

I went to my adult mental health meeting. It started over 20 minutes late. When I got in there was a GP observing, the long-term team manager and a psychiatrist. They didn't have my referral letter, first major problem. Luckily my current psych (who came with me) had my file and gave them the letter so they could photocopy it. Whilst the manager was photocopying the letter the psychiatrist started asking questions like "Do you know where you are", "Do you want to harm yourself now?" "Do you hear voices?" which if he'd actually read my referral letter then he would have known they were completely inappropriate questions and that I'm actually pretty sane.
This generally put me in a bad mood. He asked me things about my mood and about self-harming, completely ignored the whole eating disorder thing he only seemed interested in if I was about to commit suicide or murder.
In the end I walked out, my psych stayed and spoke to them. I hung around crying in the waiting room until she came out. She left it so if I want to be referred for a psychological assessment we'll get in touch with them. Once we get in touch it'll be 8 to 10 weeks until the assessment.
The whole thing just made me want to run away as far as possible from the building. I don't harm myself anymore, I don't eat normally and I want to lose a significant amount of weight but god I'm not actually CRAZY. Sorry this is the most politically incorrect thing ever...but anyway I don't know what I'm going to do, except lose, lose, lose weight. So much weight I disappear and then they can't see me.

They just didn't get it...

Thursday, 13 January 2011

Rambling Rant

I ate all my 300 calories, I only posted about 20 minutes ago, if that. Now I can't concentrate on my revision. I feel huge. They are going to laugh at me tomorrow at adult psych. I don't harm myself much any more, I am no longer underweight, I am eating, I'm managing the depression and mood swings. What is the point in going?! I would have cancelled but my current psych has agreed to come to the appointment which is over 2 hours out of her day and extra driving for her and everything so I feel like it would be really rude to cancel, plus the other 3 people I'm having the appointment with (another psych and two nurses or therapists or managers, I'm not sure) I'm going. I've worked out which bus to get and where to get off and everything :P turns out the buses run past the clinic every 10 minutes so it isn't that complicated. It would just be simpler if I could go to the clinic in the City and not in this stupid coastal town which I never go to! I don't live in the City, I live 10 miles away but I go to college there, swim there, spend all my time there and the City clinic is 2 minutes down the road on foot from my college so it would be so much more practical. But NO because I come under a coastal borough I have to go to Stupid Coastal Town. Seriously this town is full of £1 shops, charity shops and seaside amusements. It is cold and windy especially in JANUARY and I don't know my way around! I need to print off a map so I can get home from the clinic to the train station (because buses only run from there to the city not there to my town) and I get the bus free but it'll cost me about £3 to get the train home which cuts into my swimming money!!! GRRR. ALSO the ED team are in the City clinic and I don't think I am underweight at the moment (I wasn't a few weeks ago) but I am losing weight and because of my history it is pretty likely that I will be referred there at some point which means I'll get transferred to the City clinic anyway! It is so stupid, I'm mainly pissed off because it'll cost me money to get there and back. I know, I KNOW I am really lucky it doesn't cost me money to go to the clinic! And I do love the NHS (I seriously don't get why the T-party think we are communist, but hey Sarah Palin is an idiot...and needs better glasses and less make-up) but given technically I can claim back my travel expenses because I come from a low income family it'll be cheaper for them to see me in the City where I have no travel expenses because I get buses free. I mean if I go once a week for 8 months that is £65.60 in train fares. Which yeah over 8 months is not a lot but I could do so much with that money!
Sorry serious rambling for no real reason. It is half past 11 I should really go and get dressed and do some studying...

I really care about all of you who read this, I notice when you don't update your own blogs and even if I don't comment, I am reading (I log in to here about 5 times a day :S!)

I don't know what is going on

Normally it is easier to restrict than to eat because of how eating makes me feel. Today I decided it was easier to eat than to restrict. It was odd. I've had 3 mini chocolates and a bowl of cornflakes. I'm not eating anything else today hopefully and tomorrow I'm only having 250 calories. I'm having 300 today but I've already had 200. I'm going swimming later but I don't know how long for as my Dad and little brother are coming too.

My little brother has autism, Asperger's syndrome to be specific. He is extremely intelligent, 12 years old, he is in year 8 (US 7th grade) but since year 7 (the start of secondary school/middle/senior school) he hasn't really gone to school that much. They arranged and reduced timetable for him so he just went in for a morning or 4 lessons per day but this year even that isn't helping. The school don't really understand his Autism. It is a grammar school meaning you have to do an entry exam to get in to it so most of the pupils don't have any disability or if they do it is a physical one. So for now, he is being home educated. This might be a permanent thing if school doesn't work out. Anyway it is odd! I got woken up by my brother and Dad talking very loudly (because my Dad's hearing sucks) about tourism in the lounge below my room. My brother is SO MUCH happier at home though :)

I can't remember if I said I think my exam went quite well, I think I got a high B or low A...but I have to wait until March for the results as they are marked nationally. I have another exam on the 24th which I need to do a lot of work for but I'm feeling a lot more confident about now.

I don't understand why I'm eating. Maybe it is just because we have cereal in the house and normally we don't? Or because I'm stressed? I'm not binging by any means but I feel like I am, I have had a NORMAL breakfast but I feel overwhelmingly guilty, I might as well have eaten 2000 calories not 200. But I'm going swimming later, I'm going swimming later.

I haven't weighed myself in an age...I've been too scared to go searching for the family scales and my scales have gone CRAZEEE.

I have spots.

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

A little bit better?

Today went to plan. I had 2 eggs for breakfast and a cup of coffee. Then I had to leave to get to college for 9. I spent half an hour in the library revising for my 1st Biology exam. I think the exam went really well :S I'm not sure, there was one question I just guessed at. A few people I spoke to also said they found it quite easy and if nationally everyone does well they increase the grade boundaries so the same percentage of people get an A as normal. So whilst I think I may have got a low A or high B if the grade boundaries move I could end up with a low B grade.
I went swimming and did 3km for the first time in ages. Then I walked for over an hour delivering a letter to my clinic because I didn't have any stamps and had time to kill. I went to the library and read the newspaper then went to this remedial English class which is a complete waste of my time and 'learnt' how to write a formal report.
This evening I need to finish a practice paper for my 2nd Biology exam and not screw up by eating too much.
Tomorrow I have classes all day until 6pm.
Thursday I'm revising and swimming
FRIDAY I am going swimming, going to the orthodontist then I have this adult mental health meeting :S SO worried about this. I don't want to talk to them about how much I eat, I don't want to talk to them about self-harm (because I am managing that quite well and talking about it makes it worse). I don't even know if I want to see anyone there because I'm sick of telling them the same stuff over and over. I don't eat properly, I was raped, I cut myself sometimes and I think about dying. There isn't a lot to say, they can't help me. So maybe I am better off alone? I don't know...

I just want to lose enough weight.

Monday, 10 January 2011

I feel really...blah. My day runs 12 noon to 12 noon so whilst I had 3000 calories 'yesterday' I've had 20 'today' (in the last 4 hours) so the binge is over. I hope.
I have my first Biology exam tomorrow. I'm quite nervous but I'm not really revising enough, I've been watching videos on but that isn't really enough. I haven't done anything about transport in plants AT ALL. I bet it comes up.
I slept for 17 hours last night, but I feel exhausted, I guess I slept too much. Oh well I have to get up at 7am tomorrow.
I'm cold, even in layers and layers, next to a radiator and a fire, I'm cold. More hair fell out since this morning. I just feel so so down. Sorry my blog is complete balls.

I have this thing, I think a lot of people do it but if something is causing me a problem, or someone. Then I just ignore it, block it out. Literally on the internet. So I blocked this friend that is freaking me out, she hasn't actually done anything wrong I just want her to go away. I don't want everyone to go away, just certain people.

I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep, I don't want to sit my exam, I don't want to go swimming, I don't want to eat, I don't want to purge. I just want to SLEEP. For ever and ever and ever until everything is better. Only life doesn't work like that, just like blocking people out isn't very effective. It'll just get me into trouble and then I'll end up being polite for 6 months before I lock it out again. And yeah...sorry I'm not making much sense, being blunt gets me into trouble.

Sorry I'm sounding like a complete loon but...well I am.

I have my CMHT (adult mental health) appointment on Friday, I don't really see the point in going, I don't think talking to anyone actually helps me. I just spill my secrets to a new person for however many weeks, then a new person for however many weeks and nothing really gets resolved and I'm still not normal. So what is the point? I don't think I'll be healthy not seeing someone, but I don't think I'll be any better seeing a therapist.

Sometimes I wish I was sleeping beauty, so I could wake up when everything is better (and all my friends are dead)

2 bowls of cornflakes
2 biscuits
2 pieces of shortbread

eurgh. All within 2 hours

I'm not going to college today, I slept for 17 hours last night got up and passed out. I have an exam tomorrow so I'm watching videos as revision on

The sick thing is, I could happily eat more, well not happily, but I could eat more. I'm so ashamed, I have to write this in my food diary for my psych, it is disgusting.

I feel horrible, I haven't showered, I'm wearing dirty jeans and my stomach is bloated.

One of my 'friends' is freaking me out via text. I wish she would just back the fuck off, she isn't helping.

I'm so cold, a big patch of my hair fell out again. I want to sleep some more.

Sunday, 9 January 2011


For some reason today I ate a lot and threw up, and now I've had two bowls of cornflakes. I don't know where it has come from.
I need to do some work but I think I'm just going to go to sleep, at least then I can't eat any more.
It is very cold.

Friday, 7 January 2011

“Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.”

My Dad asked me this morning why I spend so much time on 'Anorexia sites' and he wants me to watch this documentary about functional MRIs on eating disordered people. He didn't push me for an answer he just wants me to tell him 'sometime' I cried but he'd gone into the kitchen by then. I don't know what to say to him, I don't want him to tell my Mum. She just doesn't understand.
I want to disappear.

Quote from

Like 30% of sufferers, Hannah, now 23, developed anorexia after experiencing sexual abuse as a child. "I wanted to look disgusting and ugly," she says. "I wanted my heart to sputter and stop and my bones to thin, my organs to give up on me. Beyond everything, I think I just wanted the physical symptoms to kill me, so that I wouldn't have to make the final decision. If I had a heart attack caused by starvation, maybe that wouldn't really count as suicide."

But I'm not going to splutter and die, because I'm too fat, I'll always be too fat.

I'm going to lose 6kg by the end of the month, I'm actually going to make some headway even if it is in the most illogical direction. I want to shock and revolt everyone...except my parents. I want to slowly, slowly fade away. But then I want to rise from the ashes and get on with life "better". It makes no sense, maybe I just want recognition? Attention? I don't know.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Actually did some studying!

The session went ok I guess, I mean I didn't cry or anything. We looked at my food diary, talked about how I overestimate calories. I didn't get weighed, I think I've gained, she thinks I've lost. We talked a little bit about the ..rape.. and how talking about food and weight makes me think of the attacks. But that was right at the end of the session so we didn't go into very much detail.
Next Friday I have my first adult mental health appointment, my current psych is coming too. I don't know what to say to them, I guess I'll just try and answer their questions and my psych can help me? I really hope it goes ok. Then my next proper therapy session with her isn't until the 27th, which feels a long way away...3 weeks but I suppose I have to get used to not seeing her anymore.

I've actually done some revision! I found the BEST tutorial videos. It is on this website which is an American site but it is suitable for A-levels or Highers too. Or I suppose leaving certificates in any country but it is designed for Americans doing their SATs I think? Anyway this guy is AWESOME it has my whole Biology syllabus for this months exams on their but if you do Chemistry, Calculus, Arithmetic, Algebra, Trig, even History it is all on there and he makes it really interesting and easy to understand but he does not oversimplify so you will still pass your exams and I mean with top grades. If I remember everything in the videos I would get 90% (but I won't remember anything) if you've missed a class or are home-schooled I seriously recommend it!

Anyway...back to me :P I was so exhausted after my session I didn't go swimming or to the library which sucks in terms of exercise but if I hadn't come home I might not have found the Khan Academy website and I'd still not have done any useful revision. So I guess it works out, also it is freezing and raining and generally miserable outside. If the rain stops I'll walk the dog later. And I am definatly swimming tomorrow, Tuesday, Thursday and maybe next Friday but I have the orthodontist and Adult Mental Health so I don't know if I'll be able to fit it in.

Aaah trying to sort out buses for getting to this town I don't really know for the Adult Mental Health clinic :S

Love to you all xx

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

The unwindings of my mind

Today was my first day back at proper college classes after Christmas. It was really hard, in my 2nd year class I am so so so far behind and have forgotten so much, the exam is on the 24th so I have time to revise but my 1st year exam is on the 11th. I am terrified about this.
For the first time in awhile I am below 300 calories today. I can't decide if this is good or bad. I'm not losing weight, I lost 0.1kg yesterday that is 0.2lbs! PATHETIC. I am so huge right now.

I don't really have a lot to say at the moment, I feel so blank. I'm seeing my psych tomorrow, I think it might be my penultimate appointment with her but I don't actually know. I don't know what to say to her, I haven't lost weight, I still don't eat 'properly', I'm still screwed up in my moods, I'm not self-harming, I haven't overdosed, I'm going to fail my exams. It just seems odd because I'm not 'better' but I have to stop seeing her (because I am too old) but I don't know what to say to her. Whenever I've stopped seeing people before it was either because I was 'better' (leaving inpatient) or because we weren't getting along so I didn't care about them anyway. When I left inpatient for the first time I wrote this really cheesy poem one of the lines was

You've really made me see
How much fun life can be

BULLSHIT! But anyway. Yep tomorrow is the usual: psych, swim, library, computer, sleep. I hope I can swim further than on Tuesday, I only did 2 and a bit kilometres. I really want to do 3 or 4. We'll see. Blathering on here but there is nothing good on TV except at 9.30pm 'The World's Fattest Man' which I don't know if I can stand to watch, shows like that make me feel quite ill generally. Plus I have to get up at 8:30 am (I know not THAT shockingly early..but it is for me) to get the 9:20 am bus to see my psych at 10 am.

I really don't know what I can actually say to her. I know she doesn't ACTUALLY think that I lie about the whole ED thing because she knows all my history but I just feel like I should be doing 'better' now at losing weight to prove it to the mental health people. I really wanted to have lost 2kg by tomorrow (since Monday) which I have managed in the past but I've lost 0.1kg!!!!! ARRRGHHHH. I don't understand my body at all, except that I've screwed it up. Losing weight used to be so much easier.
When I was first ill I lost 0.5lbs a day for 4 months almost I lost 38% of my body weight in four months. Then went to hospital and lost more but I can't be bothered to work out more percentages...47% in about 5 months or so. Not that that is anything to be proud of but it was so much EASIER than it is now. I have to struggle and struggle for every little bit of weight. It isn't fair. I still have 10kg (22lbs) to lose to get to my 'happy weight' (UGW) bit of an ironic name but whodahey.

Sorry this is mega long, kudos to anyone who has read it all (and my sincere apologies to you :P)

Good Night.

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

I'm sorry I haven't commented on any of your blogs, I have been reading I'm just so exhausted I can't think of much to say.
I went swimming today, and to college but I totally failed at doing any studying. I'm too tired and I have a paper I've only half done due in tomorrow morning. I just want to switch off.
I was up half the night ticking (I have Tourette's Syndrome) gerking and twitching all over the place so I didn't sleep that well.
I went to a pub quiz last night, my team lost but it was really nice to see people.
Errr sorry, my brain isn't really functioning.
I've only have 80 calories so far today but I'm about to eat 150 calories of steak and some salad. I haven't had enough to drink today, my head hurts so much.
I always wondered why to became too much but so did not become soo much. Hah.

I bought a new coat, it was £70 :O :S but I've had my other one for 5 years and it is starting to get a bit ratty so I figure if this one lasts another 5 years then it is worth it, and my new one is 80% wool so good quality. It was in the sale at Zara.

VAT increased to 20% from 17.5% today, there is some current affairs for you. This and inflation means swimming is now £2 not £1.50 :( and that generally my life is going to get more expensive.

Monday, 3 January 2011

I'm trying to get back into my own head

I am useless without a routine, I eat too much or not at all, I don't sleep properly, I don't do any studying, I feel awful.
So right now I'm on my scheduled 'internet time' before I go and do revision, then I'm walking the dog, then more revision, then more computer, then baking my brother's birthday cake (that I can't eat!) then TV and computer this evening. Tomorrow I can go swimming for the first time since Thursday due to all the Public Holidays!
I was going to eat an apple this morning, like I'm meant to on my plan from my psych but they didn't look very appetising so I had a coffee with soya milk instead (20 cals). Then I'm having lettuce at lunchtime with balsamic vinegar (20) and a 200 calorie dinner. Well hopefully.

In answer to Lissy's question, I'm seeing the general adult mental health team initially with view to ED or psychology referral, they won't weigh me I don't think but I want to look thinner than I do at the thighs are kinda touching :/ well it depends how I stand but it makes me sad anyway. I didn't gain or lose any weight yesterday. I hope I've lost tomorrow. Obviously. Sorry I'm so repetative, I just say the same things over and over and never get anywhere.

My New Year's resolution is to work harder at EVERYTHING. I need to work harder for my exams, work harder at losing weight, work out harder, work harder at my social life. I'm so so so lazy. Everyone thinks I'm intelligent and I know I'm not stupid but people THINKING I'm intelligent is not going to get me into university, people (University admissions tutors) KNOWING I'm intelligent from my exam grades will get me into university! If I don't get in, I'll have nothing to live for, nothing to aim for to get me out of this mess that is often my life. I need to get in, I need to LIVE again.

I have to stop seeing my psych quite soon, I don't know exactly how many more times I will get to see her, I have an appointment on the 6th January but after that I really don't know. The thought of not seeing her makes me want to cry, I know I will cry about it at some point. The thought terrifies me. She is so so so good and I know CMHT (adult services) aren't going to be as supportive.

Sunday, 2 January 2011

I weighed myself this morning, I haven't weighed myself since before Christmas. I'd gained 1.5 kg or about 3lbs. Now I need to lose 2kg (4.4lbs) per week for the next 2 weeks to even be vaugly thin enough to go to my Community Mental Health Team assesment. They know all my ED history and I don't want them to think I'm fat so I really need to lose. However it isn't all that realistic for me to lose that much weight in a fortnight, I've done it before but I was so so so much crazier then. I just feel huge.
I joined anabites Bella/Izzywizz's new support/recovery forum but that was only because a lot of my PT friends are on there not because I am trying to 'recover'. I don't believe in recovery, plus you have to be ill to get better and I'm not ill at the moment.
I'm going to fail my January exams, I don't know anything for them and I can't concentrate well enough to learn effectively. I don't know what to do.
And there are some people in my life who I just want to disappear, my life would feel less screwed up if I never saw them again.

Saturday, 1 January 2011

New Year and all that

New Year was really nice, then this morning I got up at 7.30am to go sailing which was cool :)
I'm really tired and I've been really lazy all day.
I don't really have a lot to write, I'm not making New Year's resolutions, this is after all the last beginning and it has already begun.