Monday, 10 January 2011

I feel really...blah. My day runs 12 noon to 12 noon so whilst I had 3000 calories 'yesterday' I've had 20 'today' (in the last 4 hours) so the binge is over. I hope.
I have my first Biology exam tomorrow. I'm quite nervous but I'm not really revising enough, I've been watching videos on khanacademy.org but that isn't really enough. I haven't done anything about transport in plants AT ALL. I bet it comes up.
I slept for 17 hours last night, but I feel exhausted, I guess I slept too much. Oh well I have to get up at 7am tomorrow.
I'm cold, even in layers and layers, next to a radiator and a fire, I'm cold. More hair fell out since this morning. I just feel so so down. Sorry my blog is complete balls.

I have this thing, I think a lot of people do it but if something is causing me a problem, or someone. Then I just ignore it, block it out. Literally on the internet. So I blocked this friend that is freaking me out, she hasn't actually done anything wrong I just want her to go away. I don't want everyone to go away, just certain people.

I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep, I don't want to sit my exam, I don't want to go swimming, I don't want to eat, I don't want to purge. I just want to SLEEP. For ever and ever and ever until everything is better. Only life doesn't work like that, just like blocking people out isn't very effective. It'll just get me into trouble and then I'll end up being polite for 6 months before I lock it out again. And yeah...sorry I'm not making much sense, being blunt gets me into trouble.

Sorry I'm sounding like a complete loon but...well I am.

I have my CMHT (adult mental health) appointment on Friday, I don't really see the point in going, I don't think talking to anyone actually helps me. I just spill my secrets to a new person for however many weeks, then a new person for however many weeks and nothing really gets resolved and I'm still not normal. So what is the point? I don't think I'll be healthy not seeing someone, but I don't think I'll be any better seeing a therapist.

6 comments:

  1. sorry to hear about the binge hun, but like I always say take the opportunity that your metabolism is probably higher at the moment. Your thing friday will go fine ok? Just stay strong :) <3

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  2. I'm sorry you feel so down. I wish I had something better to say. :(

    Good luck with the biology exam! I hope it goes alright. And the appointment on Friday. xxx

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  3. its good that you can see that blocking things out doesnt work in the long term. Its a great step! Give yourself a hug!

    You are by far the sweetest little girl I know, and I just wish I could help in some way other thann trying to think of smartical and practical things to put on here.
    It will be okay--the binge, the exam, and the appt.
    xxoo

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  4. I'm sorry :( I hope you're okay.

    Blocking things out isn't great, but maybe just to get through the exam isn't such a bad idea.

    Lurrrve xxx

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  5. All I can wish for you is that seeing a therapist DOES help, somehow. It sounds like you need SOMETHING to pull you out of this depression. Being malnourished probably isn't helping, either, so maybe a vitamin before your naps could help.

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  6. Sorry about the blockage. I do the same, so I definitely sympathize.

    Good luck on your exam!! I hope it goes well. <3

    xoxo

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