Friday, 28 January 2011

Poochy pongs

I had my ultrasound (on my heart ;) ) there aren't any holes (I already KNEW that!) but the wall of the left atria is thinner than it is meant to be but they can't see that clearly on an ultrasound but that is why my heart doesn't beat hard enough. They think I might have a form of cardio myopathy. Which from googling is vaguely serious...this is why you eat your calories children. But they don't actually know at the moment because I didn't see a consultant it was just a scan person and a registrar so they'll be sending me an appointment sometime but I don't know when.
I have Tourette's Syndrome. And sometimes this can resemble me having a tantrum :/ last night I walked into the kitchen and sausages were frying and I started having really loud squealy tics and one where I jump up and down. Yeh I'm 18... anyway my Dad asked what was wrong and I was like 'I don't want sausages' and he was like 'well don't have them then' and I was like Oh wow that was easy! But then he went off on one about how I don't eat and everything. So in the end I didn't have dinner and I've decided to just avoid food as much as possible again when I had been thinking about eating a bit more.
I'm next seeing my psych on the 4th March which is in 35 days. I want to lose as much weight as possible by then. I don't even know why, I guess I want to prove to her that I'm still mucked up about food. According to losertown my BMI will be 18.2 then, it is like 19.5 at the moment. I don't want to be my lowest which was 13.1 but I want to be 16.8 I don't even know why. It is just a number that sounded 'nice' anyway once I'm 18.2 I'll only have 4kg more to lose. Then what????
This is the eternal quest and the eternal question. Oh and I'll weight 0.3kg by the 30th December 2011, I always like to be capable of dying of starvation within 6 months. I mean I know most people are only that far away from starvation but yeah 28th of June 26.5kg, I'd be dead by then that is 58lbs. I almost died at 78lbs. So in reality I'm 4 months from dying.
I'm not actually going to die, I just like to know it is there. Which is sick and I know it is even sicker because I'm too fat to die and there are people who ARE actually dying from this but yeah. This is my blog, this is what goes on in my head.


Oh and the dog just farted...

5 comments:

  1. That's horrible about your heart :[ Be careful xxx

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  2. You aren't too fat too die. There are people with higher BMIs than you who die from lack of nutrition or from heart problems.

    Consider that.

    And on a lighter note, I think it's hilarious how you ended this otherwise serious post with news about your dog farting. Haha!!

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  3. lol @ your dog farting part randomly added on!

    i know what you mean about feeling guilty for thinknig about dying from this (my mind mocks me... i eat far too much) when there actually people who are.... x

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  4. oh sorry about your heart - take care of yourself x

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  5. take care lovely .
    lol at the dog :]

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