Friday, 7 January 2011

“Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.”

My Dad asked me this morning why I spend so much time on 'Anorexia sites' and he wants me to watch this documentary about functional MRIs on eating disordered people. He didn't push me for an answer he just wants me to tell him 'sometime' I cried but he'd gone into the kitchen by then. I don't know what to say to him, I don't want him to tell my Mum. She just doesn't understand.
I want to disappear.

Quote from http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/mar/11/anorexia-mental-health/print

Like 30% of sufferers, Hannah, now 23, developed anorexia after experiencing sexual abuse as a child. "I wanted to look disgusting and ugly," she says. "I wanted my heart to sputter and stop and my bones to thin, my organs to give up on me. Beyond everything, I think I just wanted the physical symptoms to kill me, so that I wouldn't have to make the final decision. If I had a heart attack caused by starvation, maybe that wouldn't really count as suicide."

But I'm not going to splutter and die, because I'm too fat, I'll always be too fat.

I'm going to lose 6kg by the end of the month, I'm actually going to make some headway even if it is in the most illogical direction. I want to shock and revolt everyone...except my parents. I want to slowly, slowly fade away. But then I want to rise from the ashes and get on with life "better". It makes no sense, maybe I just want recognition? Attention? I don't know.

6 comments:

  1. Oh hun I don't know the words, but a simple 'i understand' might do? Stay strong, stay focused, and please stay positive. You are wonderful <3

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  2. dearie I'm sad you feel this way. Maybe you should tell your father how you feel? Or a trusted teacher? Your dad at least seems like he wants to help you.

    I don't want you to sputter, or die, or hurt yourself. You should feel proud to be you--I hope you can see that

    much love and hug to you!!! IM always thinking of you!

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  3. It does make sense, though. It's just hard to put into words. Rising from the ashes is totally possible, and sometimes dying/fading away in one sense is totally necessary.

    But perhaps you could kill that old self of yours, the one that has all these terrible feelings about things you have gone through, with therapy. It really helps some people a lot.

    You a amazing. Just remember that you deserve everything, because you are a sparkling soul!

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  4. Ohh love I'm so sorry :(

    I wish I could say something to help, but I can't.

    Love you lots and lots though xxx

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  5. I have been feeling this way a lot lately. I'm very sorry that you are, too. And that's why it's a good thing you spend time on these so-called "Anorexia Sites." It seems you've been able to find some understanding, at least, and even if none of us can "fix" anything for you, support is definitely worthwhile.

    You can lose 6 kg without it leading to your inevitable "splutter" and death. Stay strong, and keep reaching out.

    I think you're pretty rad (:

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  6. It does make sense, but it's sad that you have to feel this way. I'm sorry :( Please take care.
    Lots of love xxx

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