Wednesday, 5 January 2011

The unwindings of my mind

Today was my first day back at proper college classes after Christmas. It was really hard, in my 2nd year class I am so so so far behind and have forgotten so much, the exam is on the 24th so I have time to revise but my 1st year exam is on the 11th. I am terrified about this.
For the first time in awhile I am below 300 calories today. I can't decide if this is good or bad. I'm not losing weight, I lost 0.1kg yesterday that is 0.2lbs! PATHETIC. I am so huge right now.

I don't really have a lot to say at the moment, I feel so blank. I'm seeing my psych tomorrow, I think it might be my penultimate appointment with her but I don't actually know. I don't know what to say to her, I haven't lost weight, I still don't eat 'properly', I'm still screwed up in my moods, I'm not self-harming, I haven't overdosed, I'm going to fail my exams. It just seems odd because I'm not 'better' but I have to stop seeing her (because I am too old) but I don't know what to say to her. Whenever I've stopped seeing people before it was either because I was 'better' (leaving inpatient) or because we weren't getting along so I didn't care about them anyway. When I left inpatient for the first time I wrote this really cheesy poem one of the lines was

You've really made me see
How much fun life can be

BULLSHIT! But anyway. Yep tomorrow is the usual: psych, swim, library, computer, sleep. I hope I can swim further than on Tuesday, I only did 2 and a bit kilometres. I really want to do 3 or 4. We'll see. Blathering on here but there is nothing good on TV except at 9.30pm 'The World's Fattest Man' which I don't know if I can stand to watch, shows like that make me feel quite ill generally. Plus I have to get up at 8:30 am (I know not THAT shockingly early..but it is for me) to get the 9:20 am bus to see my psych at 10 am.

I really don't know what I can actually say to her. I know she doesn't ACTUALLY think that I lie about the whole ED thing because she knows all my history but I just feel like I should be doing 'better' now at losing weight to prove it to the mental health people. I really wanted to have lost 2kg by tomorrow (since Monday) which I have managed in the past but I've lost 0.1kg!!!!! ARRRGHHHH. I don't understand my body at all, except that I've screwed it up. Losing weight used to be so much easier.
When I was first ill I lost 0.5lbs a day for 4 months almost I lost 38% of my body weight in four months. Then went to hospital and lost more but I can't be bothered to work out more percentages...47% in about 5 months or so. Not that that is anything to be proud of but it was so much EASIER than it is now. I have to struggle and struggle for every little bit of weight. It isn't fair. I still have 10kg (22lbs) to lose to get to my 'happy weight' (UGW) bit of an ironic name but whodahey.

Sorry this is mega long, kudos to anyone who has read it all (and my sincere apologies to you :P)

Good Night.


  1. I really hope things with your psych go well, and that when you get a new one that works out ok too. Stay positive <3

  2. I love reading long posts! I'm sorry about the whole thing with your psych, I hope things go okay. Good luck with the exams too! I'm sure you'll do alright and you won't fail :) xxx

  3. i hope your appointment goes well. never feel like you have to prove to anyone that you have an ED. weight loss is not the only indicator. i think that these past few months i have been struggling with a disorder of some kind, and i've only lost a total 3kg after the ups and downs! it's a mindset and way of behaviour.
    stay strong xx

  4. jesus effing christ. I thougth you said you still have 221 pounds to lose and I was like "hell naw" and got ready to fly over and give you a talking to, but I that I mistook the L in the lbs for a 1.

    Hee I'm so smart.
    Much love, and much hopes that you and your psych have an awesome, productive session.


    huggies and kissies

  5. i hope the appointment goes well; dont worry about not knowing what to say to your psych - just say whatever you want - psychs are not for judging people.