Sunday, 27 February 2011

Wednesday to Sunday

Wednesday
I went to Nottingham which took 4 hours from home. The most exciting part of this journey? First Class carriage from London to Nottingham (just over 2 hours) you get a free newspaper, a massive comfy seat, free coffee and they come round to refill every half hour or so you can also have free snacks and orange juice and if you travel before a certain time you get a free breakfast :O so it was totally worth the £11.90 I paid to get a 1st class seat (I booked 2 months in advance and with a discount railcard so major discount!).
I went to the Psychology dept. open day. It was ok, we had a talk about the course and then I had my meeting with the disability liason people. They didn't say very much that was useful but oh well. Then I went to look at the gym and the pool on campus :D They are pretty good but the pool is standard length (25m) whereas the one I use normally is 33m so it seemed small even though it isn't.
Then I got the bus from the campus into the city. I got pretty lost in the City even though it is quite small compared to other UK cities. I ended up sitting in McDonalds for a few hours because my train wasn't booked until 7:15pm and all the shops were shutting.
Then I got the train to Oxford which wasn't as good as first class but way nicer than the train company that operates in my area. I got to my friend's college about 10pm (Oxford University is divided into colleges which are scattered through the city along with the departments, it isn't a campus/ the campus is the city of Oxford). I met her in her college bar and we had a drink then went back to her room about 11.30pm and chilled out.

Thursday
My friend had classes pretty much all day so I went to a massive book shop and got some books on forensic psychology, then I went and shopped for a bit then I spent about 3 hours in Starbucks reading. Oh but I did have lunch at my friend's college ohmyword these organic burgers in a bun with chips and salad :O I actually was really ill afterwards because I hadn't eaten for a few days urgh. Then she met me for dinner in a cafe which was a panini (more carbs!). In the evening we went to the bar with her friends then about 6 of us played scrabble.

Friday
We went for pancakes and coffee...then we went shopping in Chaity and Vintage shops which was really fun. I got a shirt, a jumper (which is a dress on me) and LOADS of secondhand books. I spent way too much money. Then my friend had a class so I hung out in her room watching stuff online and reading. Then I watched her perform in a little concert. THEN...three course formal dinner. Carrot and corriander soup, rice with chicken and vegetables mixed in and a waffle with chocolate sauce for dessert. I felt so bloated. Then we went to the bar for a bit then we watched Inception on her laptop and went to bed.

Saturday
My friend had a choir rehearsal so I hung out in her room again until lunch. I had some fish and half a baked potato. Then she needed to study so I went and read in Starbucks and shopped a bit more (MORE MONEY :S).
I felt a bit...sad that she wasn't spending that much time with me and that the time we were together hadn't been as easy as it used to be. She used to hug me loads and she doesn't do that so much anymore but I guess that is part of getting older.
She met me for dinner at this Japanese place which was nice but so much food!
Then we went and saw a series of 5 Japanese plays which were good and the music was amazing but some of the acting was a bit...awful.
Then we went to a cocktail party which was really fun and everything was free :)

Sunday
We got up and had brunch (more food!) then sat and chatted in her room until it was time for me to go and get my train. And I just got in.

I can't believe how much food I've eaten or how much I've spent in Starbucks :S or just in general. It is pretty bad.

I have a psych appointment on Friday, I feel like I should cancel. I don't have a lot to say, I haven't lost any weight, I can eat.

I have college tomorrow :/ it feels really odd going after 11 days off. I haven't done any reading relevant to my course.

Monday, 21 February 2011

Today is going to be better, Today is going to be hungry

I slept badly last night, staring at the clock 3am, 4am, 5 until 7am. Buzzz buzzz buzzing. Confused I answer the phone, he asks me to babysit, I don't remember what his name is. Their son is Louie, he is 8 and I have their address. I sounded enthusiastic and a little bit ditzy "What day is it again?". They are paying me £20 for only 3 hours 'work'. It is nice, but I'll probably feel terrified, sitting in an almost empty strangers house, reading Kafka, not knowing how to work the TV, scared of waking the child. He is 8, too old to choke in his sleep, too old to be any trouble at all really. But I'll want to check he is ok. I know I'll be scared. Maybe £6.66 an hour isn't worth the anxiety.

Maybe I'll be fine.

In two and a half hours I'll go swimming. I'll swim 4- 5:30pm then walk across town to get the 6:15pm 'fast' bus home. I'll get home about 7pm, having been to the train station to collect my tickets for going away on Wednesday. I'll sit home panicking for 35 minutes before I walk a few streets over to babysit at 7:45pm.

I'll trail home just after 11pm, hopefully alone. I hate the awkwardness of being walked home. It makes me feel like I'm being interviewed.

Hi (smile), I'm Eloise, I'm 18. Currently I'm doing a third year of A-levels (but it isn't because I failed). I was planning on doing a French degree but changed my mind, I've got a place to study Psychology and Neuroscience next year, well as long as I get the grades (modest smile). I'm studying Biology and Maths (I don't mention that the Maths is only GCSE) at the moment. Outside of college I swim a lot and I sail with a charity in Southampton. I'm in the scouts, I help out with the younger levels (I don't say I haven't been in months). When I go to University I want to start singing again, I stopped because of my college timetable (I don't say that the conductor wanted an affair). I smile some more, ask them some questions. Try to seem like the perfect teenager, I don't want them thinking I'm crazy. Don't want them thinking I shouldn't have been looking after their child.

Sunday, 20 February 2011

Back, Back again.

I haven't blogged in ages, for me at least. I swam 10km this week. I'll only do about 7km next week because I can only go swimming on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I am in Nottingham and then I'm on Oxford until Sunday.

I've been eating so so much. It is 1pm and I've had 225 calories. That in itself isn't a lot except it is all coffee and biscuits and marshmallows. I think I'm averaging about 1000. I hate that I'm eating so much. I know you're probably thinking 'just don't then'. I do want to lose weight and I hate eating so much because I hate how it makes me feel. Part of me thinks I'm lucky to be able to eat so much though. Gah I don't know. I've gained weight anyway.

Not a lot has been going on in my life. I'm pretty boring. I just go to college and go swimming and sit around not doing anything and watch TV and go to bed and exercise and sleep.

It is half term (a week of school/college) now so I have no classes next week hence why I'm going away.

I've been having really bad headaches.

I haven't been on PT properly in ages, I miss it but my Dad keeps nagging me about being on there (he sees the screen).

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Far off and alone

I feel distant from everything.

I swam 3.3km today and walked for about an hour but I'm going to have had about 850 calories by the end of the day and I planned to have 310. It isn't even like I planned to eat 850, I lost control of the hunger and decided to eat. That shouldn't disgust me but it does.

I had an exam this morning, English Functional Skills...WASTE OF TIME. I already have English A-level so funnily enough I know how to write a formal letter! The reading part is 45 minutes long but I finished in 15, the writing again 45 minutes and I finished in 20. Simples. At least I don't have to go to the classes for it anymore :)

I need to lose 2kg by Friday then another 2kg by next Wednesday. Then things will be a bit better.

HA.

I don't like my family very much at the moment.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

I went swimming and it was really good, I did 3km. I took my medication and I've pretty much finished my homework. I still need to tidy and do laundry but Appendix said she'd do that for me so I'm just waiting for her to turn up LOLZ...I wish.

I have the worst period pain, I had no period for 20 months then I had one in January and now only 20 days later I've got another one! I am not impressed...it is also crazy heavy. (Sorry TMI spec if you're a guy!)

I ate some icing, we have some Christmas cakes which were reduced. I don't like or want the cake so I cut a slice, cut of the icing, throw away the cake and eat the icing. I have no idea how many calories it has in it but I'll live. I'm not eating anything else today except jelly. I bought Orangeade and lemon squash and blackcurrant squash (all sugar free) yesterday, I hadn't been in a supermarket in so long. I also bought some cheestrings which are 69 calories each. However I ate all four of them :/

I love you guys, you are better than 'real' people :P
xxx

Friday, 11 February 2011

All the things I need to do

I must go swimming today, I must, I must, I must. I haven't been since Tuesday 1st February, my stomach and hips and butt have ballooned.

On the up side I did shower today, I did most of my homework and I haven't gone on any crazy eating missions (yet). I've had 120 calories. When I get the bus to the pool I'll go to the newsagents and get some space raiders (61) and then I'll have dinner when I get home.

I watch way too much TV, I think I watched almost 6 hours yesterday. I've watched about an hour today, then this evening I'll watch 2 hours. Tomorrow I'll watch 50 minutes and Sunday I'll watch 2 hours. A few weeks ago I hardly ever watched TV, yes I lived in front of the computer but I didn't watch TV. Now I watch Eastenders, Gypsy Weddings, Holby City, Waterloo Road, Human Planet, Marchlands, Hustle, Casualty, Skins, Larkrise to Candleford, The Promise...plus occasional daytime TV, Simpsons, The One Show, documentaries etc. It is crazy. It is because I'm rubbish at predicting plots and it switches my brain off from thinking how huge and disgusting I am and I can let the programme just absorb me. It also means I'm not eating.

I need to remember to take my medication today, I've already missed 2 days this week.

I want to lose 5 kg (11 lbs) by the 23rd. I don't know why 5kg, I know why the 23rd. I am going to Nottingham Open Day and I want to be thinner. And I am going to stay with my friend and I want to be thinner. This means I actually need to weigh myself, which I haven't done in quite awhile.

I need to do laundry
I need to tidy my room
I need to do some Maths
I need to finish my homework

I need to go swimming.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Thank you for all the comments on the last post, I don't think I say thank you for comments enough. They always mean so much.

I'll get over the whole Helen thing, It
has kind of been apparent for almost three years. But thank you guys for being, well being friends :)

Which are by the way: Cinnamon Grahams Cereal Chocolate (good quality) Fudge A bacon sandwich (even though I don't eat pork..) Ketchup and balsamic vinegar on lettuce Mcdonalds fries Chips Monster Munch Pickled onion crisps Red doritos Mcdonalds chocolate milkshake Bread Ice cream Ice cream soda Victoria sponge cake Brithday cake (with that ready-roll wh
ite icing) Toast and butter
...I think that is it?
I was going to get photos but I can't be bothered...

I did a biology practical on mouldy bread and yoghurt today. I can't make myself feel clean.

OH also do any brits know these crisps?



15p in Wilkinsons and only 61 calories :)plus they are a childhood favorite. They come in 3 other flavours but only in slightly larger 20p packs which are nearer 120 calories I think the flavours are Saucy BBQ (new last year :P), Beef, Spicy and according to wikipedia Salt and Vinegar but I've never seen those ones. Apparently the cheese flavour was discontinued...wotsits rock I guess.

Oh and for non-British people these are wotsits:
They are like cheesy corn puffs? I can't find an American equivalent for all my googling...oh yeah and they are crisps not chips, our chips are your french fries.

Hello all other non-British, non-American readers too. And special prizes to those who don't live in an English speaking nation.

Oh I could teach you all some chav!

Now..for those who don't know..a Chav in Britain is someone who wears tracksuits and trainers and big gold jewllery. Originally they were poor but builders and brick layers make quite a bit and can still be chavs. Chavs don't go to university, Chavs speak like 'dis. Don't pronounce their 't' sounds. Have children really young. And generally are white.

Now I sound like a Bitchy-snob. Oh yeah..'Chav' is an insult. You know how you can ask a 'goth' if they are a goth and they might look at you a bit odd but might be quite proud of it. WELL, NEVER ever ever ever ask a chav if they are a chav, or call them a chav unless you can run faster than Usain Bolt and can jump fences better than...a Chav. Why? because they WILL kick your face in. Also beware of female chavs and 'mini-chavs' those in training :P
Oh they also like Burberry... A LOT.

Here is another picture:


Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Helen

I know a girl called Helen. We were really good friends at school, even through all the hospital admissions if I was home for the weekend she'd come and visit.
However, we have very different opinions on many things like politics. And it is impossible to avoid the conversations it would seem.
She was the first person I told when I was raped the summer I turned 15. Last summer, she suggested to me that I hadn't been raped but that I just hadn't verbally said yes. That it wasn't the forcible horror that it was but underage teenage sex I had later regretted.
She has barely spoken to me in two and a half years since we haven't been at the same school. I see her in things to do with scouts and she is at university a few hours away during term time.
The group of us who help with scouts were meant to be going on holiday to Amsterdam. Which I was a bit nervous about but excited. Helen is organising the accommodation and transport, yesterday she asked for £100 from each person by the end of the month. I messaged her saying the normally people give some details on where they are staying, how they are travelling before they ask for the money. At the end of the message I signed off saying sorry if I sounded 'huffy'. She sent me a really long message back saying that I wasn't being polite and that she was sorry it was the 'normal' way but that was how they were doing it. I said I wasn't going.
She has made it pretty clear over the last few years she can't relate to me because of everything that happened, that she thinks I'm a liar.
It isn't really my kind of holiday anyway. Drugs, getting drunk, clubbing, sex museum. I can do that for a day but not 4 days...
I was almost in tears after she sent me the message. I feel pushed out of the group, though I know that is largely my own insecurities. But she just doesn't understand.

Monday, 7 February 2011

Who is she?

I'm only just realising who I am. I always thought - deep down - that once I realised who I was I would like myself. That it was just teenage angst that turned me against myself in a war of razors and pills and starvation resulting in hospital after hospital.
Now, I can feel myself emerging, it is exciting, scary.


I don't like myself.


I'm too loud, too synical, too sarcastic, too sharp, too eager to show my intelligence, arrogant. I'm too informed and opinionated about things I don't really understand.
I've spent ten years willing everyone else to "just grow up" but now it is me that needs to grow up, to tone down, mature. I feel like a toddler having a tantrum, unable to hold it in, exploding opinions, facts, criticism.
I analyse myself from above, I see myself a child with so much to learn. If I know this why I can't I act this out. Why can't I bite my tongue and swallow the need to get every, little, thing, right?

Sunday, 6 February 2011

blahblahblah back into blogging

Ahem...yesterday was my third day over 1000 calories. I'm pretty sure I haven't done that in several YEARS without purging. But you've guessed it "It has got to stop" "I want thin" "Fatso" and other dipshit phrases are running around my head...so today I'm back to hunger (which is a nice alternative to OMG my stomach is going to explode) and exercise.
I'm slightly worried I might have diabetes...but I may have just screwed my electrolytes. Well the past few days I've been finding it really hard to stay hydrated however much I drink, I pee it out and I have a headache again...and my legs ache and awhile ago my vision was blurry. But really I think my vision was funny because I was hypoglycaemic and my legs ache and I'm dehydrated because I'm probably drinking less and eating more...right? I might go ask my GP for a urine test sometime anyway. The main reason I don't want to be diabetic is that I would NOT manage it and I would go blind and lose my feet...but I don't really think I am. I hope not...obviously.

Oh yeah I watched Black Swan. Maybe it was all the hype but I didn't think it was that amazing. You can murder me now.

So today. I have so far, had some coffee and done my Biology homework. I still need to finish my presentation on the age of criminal responsibility from a neuroscience perspective. Seriously? What is wrong with me, we were allowed to do it on ANYTHING and I choose something that actually required reading and brain power and sources. Oh well I might be able to re use it at university? If I get in.
Oh yeah :/ the mind is seriously strong. I got an email from the University of ESSEX saying "If you come here I'll be your caseworker blahblahblah" (Disability services this is). I don't want to go to Essex (they want an A in Biology), I want to go to NOTTINGHAM. I read THROUGH THE WHOLE EMAIL Essex as Nottingham. Crazy huh? I even email back "Thanks for your email....I have already arranged a meeting with your collegue blahblahblah..." had to email back with apologies over the confusion. But seriously the words Essex and Nottingham look nothing alike!

Nottingham want a B in Biology and a B in GCSE maths (you sit your GCSE's at 15 or 16, at the time I was in hospital and got a C so getting a higher grade should be fine given I'll be 3 years older!) and Nottingham is a way better university for Neuroscience and medical sciences in general. And it has a nicer campus.

Saturday, 5 February 2011

to eat, manger, essen, comer, eten, edere

I just want to eat and eat and eat and EAT. I've already had four biscuits (280) and a kitkat (107) but I want more and more and more and I want my family to go out, go away, so I can eat and eat and eat some more. Even though I want to lose weight, even though I hate how the food feels in my mouth, even though I haven't purged this year. I want twiglets, cinnamon grahams, chocolate, cheese, milk, ice cream. I would have to walk the five minutes to the shop to get those things though, I need to buy phone credit too however I'm too scared to walk round the corner and through the underpass. Not because there is anything to be scared of. Just because whilst I can travel hundreds of miles across the country I find walking around the corner terrifying. For no reason.

Once my parents go out I can have a salad without them moaning "that isn't proper food" and I'll watch Black Swan which my brother's (half american) girlfriend sent him. And hopefully the cravings will subside and I can maybe still stay under 500 calories?


I'm kind of ignoring the Honest Scrap Award at the moment...sorry. I'll do it if anyone thinks it is rude not to. I don't have a desk or a handbag, I don't have a secret box, and I don't have that many secrets that you haven't already been honoured with.

Friday, 4 February 2011

Opps I did it again

désespérée de maigrir gave me the honest scrap award again so I guess I should do another 10 things...?

but I don't know who to give it to has hasn't already had it already...I think this award is going round a bit too much :P

So someone tell me what to do? I can't do Mich's handbag idea because I change bag all the time!

Thursday, 3 February 2011

I feel like I haven't written in ages.

I've been eating 'too much'. I don't know what to say anymore. I went swimming today for the first time in 10 (?) days, I only did 2km. I've eaten 520 calories already today and I have to have bolognaise for dinner...so I'll probably end up around 800. That number just seems too too big. Even though for other people it isn't enough.

Otherwise fine.