I'm only just realising who I am. I always thought - deep down - that once I realised who I was I would like myself. That it was just teenage angst that turned me against myself in a war of razors and pills and starvation resulting in hospital after hospital.
Now, I can feel myself emerging, it is exciting, scary.
I don't like myself.
I'm too loud, too synical, too sarcastic, too sharp, too eager to show my intelligence, arrogant. I'm too informed and opinionated about things I don't really understand.
I've spent ten years willing everyone else to "just grow up" but now it is me that needs to grow up, to tone down, mature. I feel like a toddler having a tantrum, unable to hold it in, exploding opinions, facts, criticism.
I analyse myself from above, I see myself a child with so much to learn. If I know this why I can't I act this out. Why can't I bite my tongue and swallow the need to get every, little, thing, right?