Monday, 7 February 2011

Who is she?

I'm only just realising who I am. I always thought - deep down - that once I realised who I was I would like myself. That it was just teenage angst that turned me against myself in a war of razors and pills and starvation resulting in hospital after hospital.
Now, I can feel myself emerging, it is exciting, scary.


I don't like myself.


I'm too loud, too synical, too sarcastic, too sharp, too eager to show my intelligence, arrogant. I'm too informed and opinionated about things I don't really understand.
I've spent ten years willing everyone else to "just grow up" but now it is me that needs to grow up, to tone down, mature. I feel like a toddler having a tantrum, unable to hold it in, exploding opinions, facts, criticism.
I analyse myself from above, I see myself a child with so much to learn. If I know this why I can't I act this out. Why can't I bite my tongue and swallow the need to get every, little, thing, right?

7 comments:

  1. We have much in common.

    I tried remembering to bite my tongue, to not be so cynical, to just shut up already, etc etc etc... it's really difficult. So instead, I decided to make myself more learned about the things I like to talk about, so that when I am incapable of just shutting up (pretty much all the time... like right now, for instance), I actually know what I'm talking about. Mostly.

    XD

    xoxoxo

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  2. Better to have an opinion than lack an interest, right? None of what you've listed is irreedemable. Those who were immature probably haven't changed, they've continued to mimic popular thought and pass easier than the quick-witted contrarian.

    By all means grow as a person, but always stand by your own truth.

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  3. your wonderful =)
    i hope you feel better soon! xxx

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  4. Being intelligent and having an opinion isn't always a bad thing :] You're an amazing person and it's sad that you don't like yourself. :[ I hope you're okay xxx

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  5. These things aren't bad.
    I can be a cynical bitch alot of the time, but my friends know its just how I am.
    I push people away and its just me...
    Always stay true to who you are or you will get lost in the lie of others

    Stay strong
    x

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  6. lol. It's weird how alike a lot of us are. like, I feel as if there's so much that connects us. how is it that I know NONE of you in 'real life'?
    I still think you're too harsh on yourself.

    I hope the rest of your week goes good. xxxx

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  7. self-analysing is so draining. you think about it so much and make yourself feel like crap. i can assure you that opposing those few negatives are a million positives that make themselves known above everything else. don't be too hard on yourself darling
    x

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