Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Thank you Gracie!


The Rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift.
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honour onto 10 people you follow who are fantastic in some way.

1. See title!
2.
  • I try to change myself by changing my clothes, really it just shows how confused I am.
  • I have a newly acquired ebay addiction
  • I want a relationship but don't fancy anyone, I like to feel wanted and needed.
  • I lie a lot
  • An example of this is that...I don't like food.
  • I love food.
  • I feel like the world is in colour for the first time in five years, my memories and black and white.
3.
FuckedUpAppendix
Lissy
Mending Megan
Kitty T Cameron
*Harley
Beth
Dragonfly
VictoriaCrimson
an♥nym♥us
Konrad

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Tuesday, 2 o'clock

I've had 750 calories, I should be leaving the house to get the bus to go swimming. But I feel suddenly cold and tired and scared to go out.
I need to do some Biology work, I have books I want to read but I just feel so so cold. It is 13 degrees Celsius (55 Fahrenheit). It is not cold.

Sunday, 27 March 2011

Walking walking walking walking

I spent 8 hours walking round London yesterday. I wasn't there specifically for the protest though we did walk with it a fair amount. I was there for this scout thing where you have to go to all the Monopoly places and take photos of your team there. It was pretty awesome except the awful photos of me which are now on facebook :S !!!

Anyway whilst 8 hours walking pretty fast burns a lot of calories I don't think it justifies eating 2000...

I had:

coffee-20
soya yoghurt-94
alpen bar-59
soya latte-68
bowl of chips-400
edamame-40
jelly-10

=691

Then I came home

1/2 a cake-945
pain au raisin-375
soya yoghurt-94

=1414

TOTAL=2105

Thursday, 24 March 2011

I need to go swimming

I need to go swimming
I need to go swimming
I need to go swimming

Bus goes in 23 minutes
I need to leave in the next 10 minutes
I need to pack my stuff
I need to stop bidding for things on ebay
I haven't finished my Biology work for today

I have had
2 cups of coffee
a breadstick
a bread roll

I need to go swimming
I need to go swimming
I need to go swimming
Night air has the strangest flavor
Space to breathe it, time to savor
All that night air has to lend me
Till the morning makes me angry

In the night air
In the night air
In the night air
In the night air

I’ve acquired a kind of madness
Daylight fills my heart with sadness

And only silent skies can sooth me
Feel that night air flowing through me
In the night air
In the night air
In the night air
In the night air

I don’t need those car crash colors
I control the skies above us
Close my eyes to make the night fall
Comfort of the world revolving
I can hear the earth in orbit
In the night air
In the night air
In the night air
In the night air

I’ve acquired a taste for silence
Darkness fills my heart with comfort

And each thought like a thief is driven
To steal the night air from the heavens
In the night air (x14)

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

weight

Weight seems such a heavy word. Just that word makes me feel heavier, fatter, wider, bigger. Anxious.

I gained 0.6kg (1.32lbs) from Friday morning to Tuesday morning. I want to lose 5 kg (11lbs) by the 8th April. Which I can do eating 400 calories if my BMR is what it is meant to be, but not if my BMR is what I've calculated it to be based on how quickly I gain weight eating 1000 calories.

Anyway I love this performance poet Hollie McNish, not that much of her stuff is online but I have her CD now which I am just in love with.

I have nothing more interesting to say at the moment... It is quite sunny here which is nice after all the grey.

Sunday, 20 March 2011

Home

Winchester was quite nice, I wouldn't be devastated if I do end up going there. It is a nice city it is just that the Psychology Department isn't as good as the Nottingham one and research and career prospects aren't as good.
Spending time with my mum was ok, I just ate really badly.

On Friday I had:
Cornflakes and coffee
Coffee and a muffin
Vegetable Dim Sum and Chicken Katsu curry

Saturday:
Smoothie and a muffin
Iced coffee and Victoria sponge cake
Cheese puff crisps
Fruit winder
Iced doughnut
2 rice cakes
sausage, potato, cabbage and carrots
rhubarb pie and custard


ICK

This evening I am staying at my friend's house so I'll be eating then but I'm giving my stomach a rest before then ;P

I make this massive effort around my mum to eat 'normally' or even unhealthily. I need to stop doing that because it isn't even like I look like I have an ED anymore. My BMI has gone up to twenty-frickin'-one.

Sorry I'm behind on all your blogs xxx



Friday, 18 March 2011

Winchester

I'm going away for a few days to look at Winchester University.

Asperger's Syndrome is a type of Autism but with a high IQ.

xxx

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Super Sister!

I was super sister today :P

My little brother is home educated at the moment (his school can't cope with his Asperger's syndrome >:( ) so this morning we both did some Biology. He is 12 but so smart and understands quite a lot of the stuff I am studying!

Then this afternoon we went into the city, we went to a few shops, got some stuff for Mich's parcel (!), went to Starbucks and then went swimming. I was mainly just playing around in the water with him and only swam about 30 proper lengths because I was worried about not being with him in the pool even though he is fine and happy on his own.

He got his first spot today (which is totally cute when it is your baby brother) so we went and got some teatree stuff to put on it. Then we got the bus home listening to Radio 1 :)

He doesn't usually say a lot about enjoying things but he said he had had a good day :D and we chatted a lot which was really nice. I feel really guilty about going to university in September and leaving him alone with The Parents. Not that my parents aren't nice and everything but he won't have people to muck around with especially if he ends up being permanently home schooled...

Anyway. I feel good and like a 'good person' even though I've had 660 calories.

Monday, 14 March 2011

I feel so much more...normal today. I mean not normal like other people are 'normal' I mean normal for me.
I've had 190 calories, I've still got to have dinner but I can stay under 400 for the day. My friend at college knows I don't really eat, I mean she doesn't know how bad it used to be but she knows and she isn't nagging me about it or anything which makes it easier to socialise at college.
I sent a letter to my psych about 2 really big secrets. One I've told one other person, one I've never told anyone. Except now I don't want to go to my appointment...the appointment isn't until 8th April so might change my mind. I don't know.
I feel like this mild level of depression I feel at the moment is comfortable, familiar. I'm not despairing I'm just not happy. I don't like the happy me. I say to many things, I am too loud, I can't predict myself.

This evening I'm going to a free theatre performance with my mum. It is for Amnesty International and about women. It is only an hour long but it'll be nice to go out and I haven't spent any time with my mum in quite a while.

It is mid-March, I'm not wearing a proper coat any more just a jacket over my cardigan. However I have chilblaines on my toes :(

Sunday, 13 March 2011

SOHCAHTOA

3x biscuits = 300
coffee = 20
raisin and oatmeal cookie = 240
= 560

Time 12:06pm

I feel sick, I mean physically not "I'm so disgusted with myself". I mean I wish I hadn't eaten it all, but I did, I have to go and exercise now and not do it again. There is no point sitting here ranting about how I'm fat and disgusting blahblabhlabh.

I'm trying to learn trigonometry. I can just about do the basic working out the length of a side of an angle. But I need to learn so much more, I wasn't taught it at school and I last had a maths lesson over 3 years ago!

Want to know how I remember SOHCAHTOA? Sex On Hard Concrete Always Hurts The Orgasmic Areas ;P I was about 13 when a teacher told me that. At that age it sticks in your head!

I should be learning harder trig at the moment, not writing a boring blog post and eating. Now I'm going to be exercising and not learning trigonometry!

Thursday, 10 March 2011

I need a motivation booster jab!

I got a B in my AS (1st year) Biology and a D in my A2 (2nd year) Biology. It is ok, it is the lower end of what I was expecting to get so I'm not distraught. Basically if I can get those grades without trying I can't be that stupid so if I try then it'll be fine and I'll go to university and all will be dandy.
However now I actually have to make myself work...ugh. I've given in the forms (and the money) to retake the exams in the summer exam series so it is all fine.

I'm exhausted. I haven't really done anything except go to my Grandma's for half an hour, eat birthday cake, go to college, get my results and come home. It is almost 4pm, the day just disappeared.

Sorry I don't have anything more interesting to say...

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

My name is Eloise and I'm an addict.

9 am Coffee- 20
9.30 am Coffee- 30
9.30 am biscuit- 67
12pm and 4pm 3x rice cakes with dairylea light- 70
6pm starbucks coffee light- 91

Then I got home, dizzy and feeling sick.

I had a white chocolate chip cookie - 220 and 2 slices of ginger cake 192

=690

I was meant to have 400 today. What is wrong with me?


I get the results of the exams I took in January tomorrow. I know I haven't done amazingly because I don't ever actually try. Not properly. I don't think I've ever put 100% into anything. I've never truly meant anything. I guess.
It is also my Grandma's birthday tomorrow, so we are all going to her's tomorrow about midday then her, her husband, my aunt and my mother are going to London. Dad is dropping me at college and I will get my results then regardless to if I still have this fecking cold I'm going swimming. I give up trying to get rid of it. I've had a cold for 6 weeks and in the last 2 weeks it has been worse.

I should probably take some vitamin C and Echinachea but...I don't even remember to take my anti-depressant on a regular basis.

Oh and I got ANOTHER period. This is the third one I've had this year after 19 months of no periods. Annoyingly they are only 20 days apart. Hopefully I'll lose weight and they'll go away again.

Monday, 7 March 2011

I am succeeding.
Aren't I?
Is it really success if you don't try?
I'll be going to university if I get a B grade.
I've applied for my accommodation.
Student Finance application is next week.

But what does any of that mean if I'm failing at the one thing I try at?
I try to lose weight.
I try to disappear.
This is all I try for, everything else comes with an unknown, arrogant ease that doesn't seem like me.
This? This I strive and sweat for. Bleed for.

Yet I am failing.

Sunday, 6 March 2011

I thought my feet had stopped growing...

But my carbon footprint just got bigger. I drove a car for the first time in the UK. I illicitly drove one aged 13 in France. Anyway it is so damn complicated! Well I can get going, clutch, gear stick, handbrake, accelerator, ease off the clutch (Don't stall!). I can change from 1st gear to 2nd. But braking is just hard! You've got to slow down, come out of gear and brake...I kept stalling when we did that bit. Dad and I didn't argue, I didn't crash, no one died and everything is in one piece, oh and no one has whiplash. All in all a success. We did however decide I need to get a proper driving instructor though because in the test they are so particular. So I need to find one and part with about £25 per hour to learn to drive.

It would be so much simpler if I was learning in an automatic, but I'm learning in a manual (or 'stick') that is what everyone does here and automatic cars are more expensive and no company cars or mini buses or anything are automatic so you would basically only be able to drive your own car and I think it means you have something different written on your license.

Enough about driving. I don't really know what to write though.

Friday, 4 March 2011

I feel like I'm drowning.

I have a cold, I slept really badly because if I closed my mouth in my sleep I woke up short of breath. You'd think my body would just work out 'oh no air is coming through the nose lets open the mouth' but no it makes me think I'm suffocating and I wake up.
So anyway. I didn't go swimming yesterday or today because I can't breath through my nose and honestly I wouldn't look very nice in the pool with snot streaming down my face in the water. Niiiiiice.
So I went and saw my psych. I didn't really have anything to say, I only stayed for two thirds of the length of the session. We just talked about what I'd been up to and briefly about self harm and weight. She said I looked 'well', I said thank you.
Then I went to the bank and paid in a cheque and I went to starbucks 123 calorie grande coffee light frappaccino.

I heard from the last university I applied to today. Winchester for straight Psychology want a B in Biology. So I confirmed my 1st and second choices.

1st- Nottingham: Psychology and Cognitive Neuroscience
2nd- Winchester: Psychology

And I applied for accommodation at Nottingham (you only apply for accommodation at your first choice). On the 16th March I can apply for Student Finance (Loans and Grants for fees and living at university). I did a 3 year approximate financial plan yesterday. When I finish university I'll be in about £16,000 of debt. Maybe a bit less if I have a job over the summers. But you only start to pay that back once you are earning over £15,000 a year and then you only pay about £8 per week (increases as your income increases) if you haven't paid it off after 25 years it is wiped off. So it isn't that bad as you can't lose your house or go bankrupt from the debt (because if your income drops below the £15,000 threshold you just stop paying it off until you are earning enough again). I am the last year to have this system though, it all changes in 2012.

I'm on 186 calories so far today which is the best I've done in ages as it is gone 3pm. I haven't done any work though :/ and the only exercise I've done is walking and that was only about 2 miles maybe a little over.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Monday's child is fair of face

Yesterday actually went better. 500 calories. Pretty much no exercise though. So far today I've had 140 but I really don't feel like I can swim, I can barely breathe my nose is so gunked up and the cold has made my skin look like I have scabies (ok not quite that bad/ life threatening).

So if I'm not going out I should do some work right? I went and visited the university I want to go to last week. Getting in rests on getting a B in Biology and a B in GCSE maths. Buuut I'm lazy, too wrapped up in going there that I'm constantly on their website trying to decide if I should join the swim team or not when I go there or which accommodation I should put as my first choice, all pretty irrelevant if I don't do the work and thus don't get in.

But hey I'm going to go back on their website in a bit.

I haven't been on PT properly in ages.

My Dad finally got diagnosed with Autism! (This is good news) He's had to fight so hard (for years) just to get referred to the people that can diagnose in his age group. Now he has a diagnosis he is entitled to help finding a job and companies can't discriminate against him because he is covered by the DDA (Disability Discrimination Act) and generally he has a reason for being...odd.

I have my psych appointment tomorrow, I haven't seen her since the end of January and I haven't lost a noticeable amount of weight. I want to cancel.
Makes you wonder what I'm getting from therapy. Sounds to me like I just want someone to worry about me.

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

babble

I want to sit here and write:

I'm so glad I'm back. Hungry again, yesterday went really well and I only had 400 calories.

But I can't. I was hungry yesterday, so dizzy and hungry and sick every time I didn't eat for a few hours that I fainted twice. Which meant eating about 1000 calories. I lost 0.3kg though.

So far today I've had: coffee (20), orange juice (78), a crumpet (100) and a meringue (40).

238 and I've been up less than an hour (I slept really late because fainting is really tiring).

This evening I'm going swimming, I haven't been in a week because of going away. I'm quite excited. I'm hoping I'll miss dinner too as I won't be home until 7:40pm, but there is every chance we won't eat that early.

Sorry this isn't very interesting.