Monday, 25 April 2011

I ate 625cals of chocolate on Friday.
I ate 1120cals of chocolate between 10pm last night and 5pm today.
I have another 780cals of chocolate sitting on the table from my Grandma.

I don't even like chocolate. Why can't I let it just sit there?

I swam 10km last week. I only swam 1 this morning.

Tomorrow I have my first driving lesson, my gym induction and swimming.
Wednesday I have college alllll day. I haven't done enough work for it even to be worth going (but I will)
Thursday I am revising and swimming (and maybe the gym as well)
Friday I am revising and swimming (and maybe the gym as well)
Saturday I'm maybe swimming and definitely revising.
Sunday I'm cycling 10miles for charity...but I have no sponsors :( (FAIL)

I haven't been on PT for a few months, there are a few people on there that I miss. I haven't 'left' it wasn't a concious decision, I just haven't logged on for ages and now unless I get a PM I won't log on and get sucked in again. (Not that I'm trying to recover)

I'm now addicted to tumblr. It goes in cycles, different communities.

First I was on NSHN.
Then EDNOSfriends.
Then PT and here
Now here and Tumblr.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Back to the ole game.

My parents and little brother are away until Thursday, my brother has a job interview in London. I'm home alone and within 30 minutes of them being out I've binged and purged. I haven't purged in months and months yet as soon as they go I'm doing it. I don't know if it is just knowing I can puke really loudly or feeling abandoned.

I want to call my psych, I cancelled my last appointment so I'm not seeing her until the first week of May. But I can't I'm too fat. I lost 0.8lbs yesterday after my massive gain.

I feel so bad.

Sunday, 17 April 2011

I went camping...

I gained 3kg and got ill because I had milk. I'm hoping that when I weigh myself tomorrow that it has all disappeared.

Sorry I've been kinda distant from you guys recently...I've been on tumblr a lot because pictures are easier than words and it means I can pretend my world is pretty.

I am so huge, I'm only 14lbs from my high weight and 54lbs from my lowest weight. I don't want to be my lowest weight, I don't think I could get there again without dying but I don't want to be this low. I've had this blog almost a year and I still want to lose 35lbs, the goalposts have moved and I have lost some weight but I just wonder if I'm going to spend my whole life wanting to lose 35lbs just like most women want to lose 5 or 10lbs.

I just hope I actually do it. I don't know. I keep thinking of things that would mean I wouldn't want to lose all this weight.
If I had a boyfriend and WANTED to feel like a woman.
If I got a job with children ~(maybe)

I dont' know.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

I have tumblr by the way

...don't tell anyone but it
is just another way of filling
my empty life(and a way of
avoiding revision)

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Control me?

I've lost all sense of organisation.

My room is a mess
I'm eating, all the time, too much, random mixtures.
I haven't done any studying in over 2 weeks.

I'm losing my grip and I need it back but I don't know how. All I want to do is eat and eat and eat. It isn't like I'm binging, not like I used to. I'm just eating.

I need to sort it out.

I am thinking about buying a exercise bike from ebay...however...I will need to go any pick it up, which requires my Dad driving me and I will have to tell my parents I'm setting up an exercise bike in my room and..eurgh :/ I might just book my gym induction?

I’m begging you; control me now.
Tell me what to do, and how.
Make me work and make me slave
Teach me, sir, how to behave.

I want to feel you push and shove
No more feelings, no more love.
Only anger, lust and hate,
This is my life – this is my fate.

No more choices, no more say,
Responsibilities away.
No more letting people down.
As from today – in you I drown.

Stereotypical poem of these sorts of blogs, I didn't write it, but I understand it. In an odd sort of way. It is so much simpler when rules control you. I mean what would happen if tomorrow all laws were dissolved?

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Sorry I'm so bad at commenting at the moment, I am still reading. Honest.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Make that a shopping addiction...

Ok the good news is that a pair of ancient Dr Marten's that I put on ebay still have 6 days to go and are already on £5.50 :)

Bad news? I just spent £22 on underwear...

My name is Eloise and I have an ebay addiction. "Hi Eloise"

Ah well by Europe I meant...mainland Europe, I live in the SE of England so you can get fast trains to Paris, Brussels and places like that. But anyway...costing more than I thought it would so I'm going to look up some things with the Scout Association.

Yep...still not done any college work :/

Got paid for sitting on someone else's leather sofa and watching their sky tv, drinking their diet coke last night. I got the kid a snack, told him to brush his teeth and kinda told him to go to bed and I switched the light out. We don't have sky at home...there are some WEIRD things on TV!

Saturday, 2 April 2011

Thanks Mich :D

This I Sleep Tight, Mich sent me her :D my first and only My Little Pony ever.

Yesterday went well, I stuck to the amount I'd planned to eat, I did my exercise. However I didn't do any work and I haven't done any yet today.

The plan today was to list loads of things on ebay and do 10 pages of Biology. However >:( ebay will only let me list 10 things a month at the moment and I can't list my brand new Dr Marten's until I am PayPal verified. I understand that it stops people listing fakes and stuff but I have about 100 things to list! I leave home in 5 months so I need to be able to list more than 10 things a month!

I was looking at volunteering in Europe this summer for a few weeks and I've found a few projects I'm interested in but through this 'Charity' Concordia it costs £180 just to apply?! So I need to research what they actually spend the money on so far all they've said is 'administration costs' normally charities give more of a breakdown of costs, or they should do.

I could go on a hostel holiday in Europe for £180!