Tuesday, 31 May 2011
I don't understand.
I've failed pretty much all my May goals (which weren't all weight related).
I can't do GCSE maths. I could only answer enough questions yesterday to get 50% I don't know what percentage I need for a B grade.
Sunday, 29 May 2011
The first night we went on a night hike...only it was rather longer than intended and I ended up giving piggy-back rides and we finally got all the kids in to bed at 2am! So after we got to bed at 3am it was three and a half hours until they were up running round the field playing and we had to start cooking breakfast...
Then we had tent inspection (joy, they can't even fold their clothes) and flag. The camp was spy themed so we made spy ID badges and did some games writing in code. Then we did an assault course which my brother (the older one) and the other helpers had been making whilst I had the joy of felt tips and paper and snack time (how many of them can spill their juice?!).
So we had them commando crawling, climbing over tree branches, loads of stuff then the last bit was a slip-and-slid (plastic sheets covered in soap and water which you slide on your stomach over). They all loved it but got very cold so then we had to get all 46 of them through 4 showers and dry and dressed.
It went on and on and on so I won't bore you but it ran Friday to Sunday (today) and I came home and slept for three hours.
I'm bloated, my legs and feet are retaining SO MUCH fluid and I really really REALLY need to shower but I don't have the energy!
I'm sure I've gained so much because I just ate what the kids ate otherwise they'd have all been "why do I have to clear MY plate if YOU don't eat yours?" blahblah. Also there were only 4 girl cubs, guess who was their favourite person to climb on, hug, try to get me to pick them up. They were so desperate for me to come to their tent to sleep, obviously I couldn't because it is totally against the rules (in this age that all adults are paedophiles!) but I couldn't explain that to them so I just said that Arkala would get angry with me if I did!
Now it is back to reality tomorrow. Revision, revision, revision, swim, swim, swim. I'm seeing Lissy on Thursday :D
Thursday, 26 May 2011
I've had coffee so far this morning, my exam is at 2pm and I'll have so fruit and soup or something like that beforehand. I'm meeting my friend at college at 12 and then another friend for a coffee just before the exam. I haven't done any revision yet this morning, I'm just trying to stay calm. To be honest it isn't this exam that is stressing me out it is that I have 4 more that I actually do find hard and don't know how I'm going to fit the revision in. I'm trying to just focus on today though.
I'm going to go swimming after my exam, to calm down and also to avoid doing any silly things...and to try and cancel out the feelings and bloating of yesterday. I've gained a kilo (2.2lbs) from it but I know that most of that must be the actual food and liquid not fat. The shorts I wore yesterday are super tight today though...so I'm wearing this baggy grey shirt dress from H&M.
I need to go out in half an hour. I need to find my calculator :S my room is always a tip. I tidy it about once a fortnight and it stays tidy until I do laundry that I don't put away or just take any clothes off...or just until I actually live in it basically. My room at uni (wherever I end up) will be smaller, probably half the size or less especially the Nottingham room which is a bed a sink and a strip of space about 50cm wide. So I'll have to be tidier! I'll have less of my stuff at uni though, it will be simple and organised. My rooms in hospitals have always been "too tidy". My first hospital I had this absolutely huge room, it used to be the school room so it was so big *goes to find photos*
This is the tree I helped paint on the wall, I used to sit under it all the time and they'd moan at me for sitting on the floor...
The wonderful timetable :P it was a ward for teenagers but not everyone had ED's so all the post dinner supervision etc isn't on there. Also I've just noticed that the bedtime for all the different ages isn't on there! I had to go to bed at 9:30 because I was under 15 (I left the day before I was 15!)
This is the thing we all signed when we left, it got put up whilst I was there so they are all people I know...and if you know my first name then you'll be able to spot it :)
This is my bed, it doesn't really show the size of the room. This was when I was packing to leave!
This is another view of my room over in the right hand corner of this picture is a door to the bathroom, you know it is great having en ensuite...except if you have an ED they lock the door so you can't use it without permission! Not to mention I was locked out of my room 12 hours a day so I couldn't do exercise or OCD rituals...
This was my first hospital, they sent me places and then those places sent me back and then in the end it was decided I'd just go home as I needed to have "another crisis" before I'd respond to therapy.
I can't believe it was four years ago that I was there. It was a much nicer building than my other hospitals but the staff weren't that great...the wonders of Chelmsford Priory! (The NHS paid for my by the way, I'm not a millionaire!)
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
I hate than I've binged this evening. I hate that I want to OD, I want to cut and cut and cut.
I'm not going to, I have promises to keep and too many things that can't fall apart.
But I'm falling apart, or at least fraying at the edges.
I'm such a £*%^W$*. I've eaten almost 2000 calories today.
3 chicken nuggets
muffin with ice cream
massive bowl of cornflakes
massive bowl of cornflakes
I could've spent that time revising. I could have eaten some of that stuff for breakfast tomorrow. I could have not given into the binge monster which will no doubt come to get me in my exam tomorrow stealing all my concentration!!!
Sunday, 22 May 2011
I don't think there are many restaurants I haven't purged in. Ask, pizza express, wagamama's, various non-chain italian places, pizza hut, mcdonalds, burger king, KFC, Subway, cafe rouge...even The Ritz. Yep.
Anyway, then we went to a pub and I drank diet coke and we played board games. The only guy who came I really didn't like.
Then when I came home I really, really REALLY wanted to binge. My head hurt from trying to stop myself. I didn't. Largely motivated by the fact that if I keep binging and purging this week I'll muck up my exam on Thursday because all I'll be able to think about it binging and purging.
This morning I went swimming with my Dad and little brother, I did 2km which just about burnt off the huge bowl of cornflakes I had for breakfast.
I just printed out a practice paper so I should go and do that. I've had 404 calories so far. I feel huge...nothing new.
Friday, 20 May 2011
I painted a picture, made a poster and made a birthday card. Which is y'know so useful for my Biology A-level.
Oh actually I have been out, I went for a 15 mile drive with my dad (me driving) he did that thing of yelling "Brake, brake!" and stamping his foot on the ground where his imaginary brake was. I didn't hit anyone, no other drivers got annoyed with me (though I did get overtaken a lot but that is due to people speeding not me going really slow). I've booked my driving theory for 30th June and then I really want to take my actual test about 3 weeks later but I doubt that is going to happen so I'll probably do it mid-September.
I weighed myself this morning. I've lost a kilo (2.2lbs) since Monday. I want to lose another kilo by Monday ideally but I don't know if that'll happen given I haven't done any proper exercise.
I've had all the chocolate and strawberry mini milks. I have 3 vanilla ones left. They suck.
I got so anxious last night, I haven't been like it in ages. This is largely why I haven't been out today. It doesn't feel safe.
I wish I just had more energy. I haven't slept properly in two nights.
Thursday, 19 May 2011
I have a C grade from when I was 15 but I need a B for my university course.
I need to learn:
List Of Topics To Be Revised For
GCSE Higher Maths
NB. 1= Lower Section Of the Topic 2= Higher Section Of the Topic
1= Lower Section Of the Topic
2= Higher Section Of the Topic
Grade E and below:
· Estimating Introduction
· Ordering Decimals
· Adding and Subtracting Decimals
· Multiply Decimals by Whole Numbers, 10 and 100
· Dividing Decimals by Whole Numbers
· Multiply 2 Decimals Together
· Equivalent Fractions
· Comparing Fractions
· Fractions to Decimals to Percentages (1)
· Long Division
· Percentage of Amounts (2)
· HCF & LCM& Prime Numbers
· Simplifying Expressions (1)
· Constructing Triangles
· Coordinates (2)
· All averages
· · Grouping Data · Scatter Graphs · Listing Outcomes
· Grouping Data
· Scatter Graphs
· Listing Outcomes
· Recurring Decimals (1)
· Adding and Subtracting Fractions
· Multiplying and Dividing Fractions Basic
· Fractions to Decimals to Percentages (2)
· Proportion Graphs
· Proportion Unitary Method
· Ratio Dividing
· Solving Simple Equations
· Drawing Simple Graphs
· Drawing Real Life Graphs
· Drawing Graphs of the form y=mx+c
· nth term
· Factorising Linear Expressions
· Angles In Parallel Lines
· Interior and Exterior Angles
· Basic Angle Proofs
· Circumference of a Circle
· Area Of a Circle
· Nets, Surface Area
· Area of a Parallelogram
· Area of a Triangle
· Constructing Shapes
· Drawing Pie Charts
· Two Way Tables
· Significant Figures
· Upper and Lower Bounds (1)
· Estimating Calculations
· Multiplying And Dividing Fractions
· Mixed Numbers
· Percentage Change (1)
· Indices (1)
· Substitution (2)
· Rearranging (1)
· Negative Inequalities
· Quadratic Sequences
· Simultaneous Equations
· Negative Simultaneous Equations
· Simplifying (2)
· Area Of a Trapezium
· Drawing Loci
· Pythagoras Theorem
· Volume of Cylinders
· Volume of Prisms
· Median From Frequency Table
· Stem And Leaf
· Mean of Grouped Data
· Relative Frequency
· Box And Whisper Plots · Independent Probability · Sampling
· Box And Whisper Plots
· Independent Probability
· Upper And Lower Bounds (2)
· Recurring Decimals (2)
· Percentage Change (2)
· Indices (2)
· Standard Form
· Surds (1)
· Rearranging (2)
· Recognising Graphs
· Sketching Graphs
· Shading Inequalities
· Factorising Quadratics (1)
· Factorising Quadratics (2)
· Cancelling Algebraic Fractions
· Adding Algebraic Fractions
· Multiplying Algebraic Fractions
· Circle Theorems
· Dimensions Of Formulae
· Similar Triangles
· Moving Averages
· Cumulative Frequencies
· Exponential Growth
· Direct and Inverse Proportions
· Surds (2)
· Equations With Fractions
· Equations With Graphs
· Solving With Graphs
· Transforming Graphs
· Modelling Real Life Situations With Graphs
· Quadratic Simultaneous Equations
· Area Scale Factor
· Complex Surface Areas
· Circle Theorem Proof
· Arcs, Sectors, Segments
· Congruent Triangles
· 3D Coordinates
· Pythagoras 3D
· Volume Scale Factor
· Sine Rule
· Cosine Rule (Sides)
· Cosine Rule (Angles)
· Area Of A Scalene Triangle
· 3D Trigonometry
· Sine And Cosine Graphs
· Tan Graphs
· Transforming Trigonometry Graphs
· Vectors (1+2)
· Volumes Of Cones And Spheres
The green stuff are the things I know and am quite confident with. The black things are things I need to learn/ don't know what they are.
This is what happens when you spend most of year 10 and 11 in hospital...I haven't had a Maths lesson since January 2008.
Sorry I know this is a super boring post...I fit in my Gap Kids shorts that used to fit when I was 6kg lighter which means more of my weight is muscle than it used to be. I don't like the idea od wearing them out at the moment though, I like things to be baggy.
I haven't weighed myself since Monday. Last week I weighed myself 6 out of 7 days. I can never decide if it is better to weigh myself or not because I've had fewer calories this week that last week when I did weigh myself. I don't know.
I'm going to my friend's 21st Birthday on Saturday. We're going to Wagamama's for dinner then a pub for drinks etc (it is the kind of pub that has books and boardgames). I don't know what to eat. Wagamama's don't have official calorie information and different sites say different things. My actual favorite thing there is the Vegtable Katsu Curry but I'm sure that is about 800+ calories because it comes with so much rice and the curry sauce and everything.
I found a site that says all the calories but I don't know that I believe that Yasai Yaki Soba has 378 calories and 25g of protein (it doesn't have meat or tofu) or 278 and no protein?! It is nice, I had it on my 18th Birthday and since I found out it has probably the lowest calories there I have had it a few times. But I just wish I knew how much was actually in it!? GAHHH.
Monday, 16 May 2011
Then I had my Biology classes, came home and I got an email saying I got the kids camp thing which is nice. So I have a training weekend in July then I will be doing that two or three weeks in the Summer :) I was so worried I was going to get rejected and then I would have to ask why because I don't know what I could've done wrong (clearly I did nothing wrong hence the job).
Apple juice (40)
Fruit bar (100)
Wotsits (123) (this was my post exam treat :) )
Then some popcorn when I got in about 6pm (50)
We're having spinach risotto for dinner...I'm on 343 (?) so I'll probably end up near 800 :/ which is ok, just not, you know amazing.
Sunday, 15 May 2011
I did not however wear my pyjama playsuit Lissy, I was too busy rocking the boxer and vest-top look. I want alien boxers, Lissy got alien boxers, I regret not getting them too. But then we would have even more matching items and that would possibly tip us beyond odd into crazy...
I technically 'failed' this week, I only failed two days (two days I didn't get stars) but my average intake over the week doesn't get a star hence I failed the week. I've also only lose about 2lbs this week, maybe not even that.
Anyway. Tomorrow is a new week.
Exam, class, lunch-break, class, home.
Laundry, driving lesson, Laundry, gym, swim, home, maybe pub.
Class, lunch-break, tutorial, mentor session, class, home.
Starbucks revision, gym, swim, home.
Starbucks revision, gym, swim, home.
Not sure, revision, not sure, friend's 21st birthday meal.
Swimming, revision, not sure, not sure.
^^^ my week.
I took something earlier, because I felt bad. I've been really emotional all day, the Sunday afternoon charity appeal made me cry (and it really wasn't a sad one). Then my family annoyed me in their general not-being-normal. I'm fine, it isn't bad, I'll do my exam fine. I just wish I didn't you know? Because it isn't enough to do anything so what is the point? What does it achieve?
Sorry if I've written about this before but there are 4 modules in Biology (normally taken over 2 years but I'm doing it in 1 year) they add all the module percentages together and that is how the grade is worked out, so the better I do in this easy module the less well I have to do in one of the harder modules and I'll still average a B or higher hopefully.
I was my lowest weight this month this morning. That was nice. Still huge, but nice.
So today I need to revise:
Microscopes and magnification
Lungs and heart
Closed, open, double and single circulatory systems
Transport in plants
Mitosis and a bit of meiosis
I think that is pretty much it?
Saturday, 14 May 2011
Then I met up with Lissy :D we did our usual few hours in McDonalds with diet cokes, then we went to Primark and bought several matching items of clothing!!! We're planning on wearing them next time we meet up, except that she is shorter than me we could be related so yeah...we're not odd at all :P
Then we went to Starbucks for a few hours and then we had to go :(
So now I'm home and due to the eurovision song contest casualty isn't on!!! (Drama set in the Casualty dept. of a hospital) Casualty is quite possibly the highlight of my week! Travesty!
For possibly the first time ever I actually revised on a train, which is just as well because I have a Biology exam on Monday morning...
Just looked it up. Casualty is not on at all this week, I have to wait until NEXT Saturday. These are sad times. "Bureaucracy gone mad results in the ED being overrun with patients, and a young boy is set to pay the ultimate price. Can Adam battle the odds and save his life?" How can they leave me with such a short description of next episode when they leave me Casualty-less for 13 days!!!
Thursday, 12 May 2011
I feel really full. I hate how much my feelings about myself change when I'm full. Earlier today, when I got out the pool, I'd had 1oo calories, cycled 5km in the gym, done weights then swam 2km in 40 minutes... and I looked at my stomach and realised I didn't look as huge as I felt, that maybe I'd lost weight? And maybe I wasn't awful?
Now I feel like a whale. I don't mean that in a melodramatic way (though I suppose it is). I mean I actually fell huge, I can feel myself expanding and I don't know where my edges are. I am awkward and have lost all coordination. It is like those gawky periods of growth in puberty when your arms are too short for your body and then suddenly they are long and you trip and stumble. I only grew about 6 inches in puberty. I know when I was 9 I was 136cm and I've been 164cm since I was 12 or so but I didn't start puberty at 9, more 10 or 11. My feet haven't grown since I was 9 though.
This resulted in years of school shoes which didn't fit because we always bought a bit large to 'grow into' only my feet never did reach a size 6...my mum remained convinced they would until I stopped wearing school uniform at 16... She still thinks that one day size 12 clothes will fit me.
This is a smoothie tube :) I've only had the yellow (pineapple and mango) ones. They are little tubes for kids, you tear of the ends and suck the smoothie out...or you can freeze them and then they are like an ice pole :D
They are like those yoghurt ones they (used to) do called frubes which were the same (by a different company) but with yoghurt in so you could have yoghurt without a spoon.
I really like them but only get them when they are on offer in the supermarket because innocent smoothie stuff is always expensive.
Tomorrow will be fine. I worked out probably why I went crazy with the food earlier...
My friend at college (who is 9 years older than me) and I were talking about anorexia, she knows I 'used to be' really ill, in hospital and stuff. And we got talking about all the effects like Osteoporosis and infertility and heart problems and yeah...just made things hard. So when I came home I was all like 'I can have a piece of cake and be normal' and of course I totally can't.
Can't wait to see Lissy on Saturday afternoon...my morning is probably going to be hell. I have an interview/ selection day for being a team leader at a kids summer camp. Trying to be all 'I'm a team player', 'I'm always happy' and talking about child protection over-the-top-ness. Like...well I've been abused but honestly if a kid is homesick or upset and they seem like they need/want a hug I'll give them one. It depends on the child and what I know about them and what the situation is but I'm not going to 'never touch a child in any circumstances' basically. Like not everything is inappropriate.