Thursday, 30 June 2011

"It's the end of the world as we know it..."

So...Nottingham have changed my offer. I now need an A in Biology instead of a B. I found out last night when I got in, burst into tears and pretty much told my mum I wanted to die. Anyway.
Turns out it is my/ college's fault. When I filled in my application online I said I have an A in religious studies and I actually have a B. I don't know how I made the mistake, the only thing I can think is that because it is a drop down list of A - E grade I clicked on B but it scrolled up to the A. I really don't know. And when my tutor checked my application and everything she didn't notice and nor did my head of department when they checked it.
Technically I'm really lucky that they've just changed my offer because they do have the right to completely withdraw it because I gave false information. But I don't feel fucking lucky.
If I'd known I needed ABB overall I would have retaken an RS paper (I was only 3 marks off an A) but I didn't because I didn't know. So now I just have to wait and see until August in case a miracle has occurred and I've got an A...

I want to cry and scream and ahhh, but I did all of that last night. There isn't a lot I can do now. Exams are over, I can't change my grades and I can't sit and extra papers.

I feel so lost.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Life after college!

I've applied for a few voluntary positions and to be a part time secretary at a doctor's surgery. I haven't heard anything yet but the closing dates haven't come yet so..fingers crossed.

I feel so huge. I was meant to be a certain weight this Thursday...ain't gonna happen. I don't think so anyway. I have lost 'weight' but I'm retaining a crazy amount of water due to the heat so I don't know my actual weight.

Clothes wise UK 8 (US 4) is way too big in tops and dresses and loose but okay in bottoms (if they are hipsters). UK6 (US2?) are getting big in tops and dresses. Generally I'm just wearing home made things or age 13/ 164cm.

I really want to get this receptionist job. It is 20 hours a week...I actually can't work out from the site if it is a private surgery or National Health Service, there aren't any NHS logos on the site...just googled. NHS, I thought so, it is in a very nice part of the city though so should be a nice place to work :) Oh god, I want it so bad!!! I don't know how much they are paying but even if it was minimum wage (£4.92)that would be £100/week and I REALLY doubt they would pay me minimum wage! I'd expect more like £6/hour minimum (£120/week) more on weekends or evenings (which is when they are advertising for). AND I'd be near the pool so I could still swim before/ after work and I wouldn't be working every day so I'd still have time to relax and work out etc. :)

Seeing Lissy tomorrow :) we're going swimming!!!

x

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Smile :)


No more brace on my top teeth, I still have the bottom but the point is I can smile without metal assaulting the world's view :P
They took a mould of my teeth once the took off all the brackets, I thought I was going to be sick. Pink gloop all in my mouth :( but they are gone! I get my retainer (the kind you can take in and out) next week.

So I'm free to do...what?

My exams are all over and now...I don't know what to do! I have nothing to study for, I don't know where I'm going to university yet so I don't have a reading list.
I just spent £25 on books though...I got one on the History of Anorexia, 2 personal Anorexia stories and one about mutations in Humans and the genome :). They won't arrive until next week though...what do I do until then!?

I do need to clear out and tidy my room, there is loads of college stuff I don't need now.

Later today I'm getting my top brace off.

Tomorrow I'm seeing my psych.


I'm going swimming...but seriously my life is like empty?! When I was doing exams I felt like there was loads of stuff I want to do but I have exactly 3 months to fill.


I should get a job :/

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

I'M FREEE! And I made shorts :)

Okay so I don't think I did amazingly in the exam but I think that overall I have done well enough to get my place at Nottingham and it ALLLLLL be fine?!?!?!

Then I came home and made shorts :) I'm a bit unsure about them so, if you can make them out in the dodgy photos can you tell me what you think?




They are a bit bigger than I planned but they are meant be big like so they look a bit like a skirt? I don't know!

And I feel the need to say...No I'm not as skinny as you might have thought, I'm really quite large. Tah dah.
I'm about to leave for my last exam...I'm really worried even though I worked out I pretty much have the grade I need with my D in this exam...
I need to eat something but I feel to ahhh!
I love you all.

Sunday, 19 June 2011

exam exam exam

My last exam is on Wednesday morning. I have today, Monday and Tuesday to memorise everything. I'm working for probably 6 hours Monday and Tuesday in Starbucks. But I have to revise at home today and I don't know how to focus...
My room is a complete mess, I'm worried I'm going to binge, I feel really icky from having milk yesterday and I'm SO tired.

I can't screw up this exam, I currently have a D on this paper, I need AT LEAST a C to average a B but obviously the higher I can get the better it is in case I've screwed another paper I think I've done well on.

I'm so scared I'm not going to get into Nottingham, I'm trying not to let the fear cripple me (meaning I won't revise >>> won't get in) but it is so hard. My chest feels so tight. I want to binge so much. I think I'm going to get my period. It might last a few hours or it might last 3 days, but I've been eating lots of nuts so I'm guessing I'll have a proper 3 day period? Who knows. I hate retaining water...


I promise I'll be much happier when exams are over...well maybe...basically I'm just going to be on about not eating and swimming but y'know, that is life.


I can't remember if I wrote this before but I'm not swimming on Monday and Tuesday so I can focus on revision. I know it'll get to 3pm and I'll get all panicky but I'm not taking gym or swimming stuff out with me and I can't afford to go and buy a costume, towel and goggles! (I have bought a new swimming costume in the past when I've not packed mine but had everything else).

I had a lovely lovely day with Lissy yesterday. We now have matching H&M shorts :P £3 in the sale! Generally she just calms me down about everything I worry about even if she is completely irrational about herself :P and it was so nice to spend the 18th with someone in a nice way and yeh, it was good. I was good.

Friday, 17 June 2011

I found out my uni accomodation :)

OOHHHH and I found out where I'll be living next year :)
click here



Research Interview

Today I did my usual Biology revision in starbucks and swimming. I had an interview arranged with a graduate student from Indiana University. She is researching pro-ana blogging and originally got in touch by email. She asked questions like:

What did I post? (images/text)
Did blogging improve my mood?
Did blogging improve my self-esteem?


OH okay...I can't actually remember?! Anyway it took about 30 minutes and I talked about my views of pro-ana and stuff. She still wants participants so if you're interested (she can phone/skype you whenever is convenient in your time zone) email me eloiseonthewater@gmail.com and I'll send you her email or if you prefer then forward your email address to her.

She is really nice, I didn't feel bad afterwards or anything and the research is all approved and you can get in touch with her supervisor if you'd like :)


******

On a down note today...I randomly shoplifted. I don't even know why, it is like I swap one risk taking behaviour (cutting, overdosing etc) for another :( I feel really bad. It wasn't like I couldn't afford the £3.99 vest top. I don't understand myself AT ALL. >>>I am donating £3.99 to charity though. I know it doesn't make it better but :/

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

1668

pirate-folk-punk and Daughters of Davis

I ACTUALLY HAD FUN!!!

As in I was actually relaxed? I got to a point when we were at one of the bars where I just didn't constantly think if my thighs looked fat.

Firstly we went to see this pirate-folk-punk (?!) band Captain Bastard and The Scallywags which was interesting! The instrumentals were good but I couldn't actually understand the lyrics because the singer was a bit screamo.

The band on after CABTS were...not our kind of thing so we went to go to this other pub. It was shut so we walked down to another pub but on the way we went past this other one and it was SO GOOD. These two sisters Daughters of Davis were playing. Firstly they are so good, secondly Adrienne and Fern are LOVELY! They are touring the UK in their campervan, sleeping in carparks and living off super noodles. I got their album, they aren't signed but they REALLY SHOULD BE! Meeting them totally turned our evening around because we were a bit like "ohh...that music was....innnterrressting". I'm probably going to see them again on Friday :)

I need to start revision for my last exam today eurgh :/ totally unmotivated right now.


OHHH and LilyZara, they love Bon Iver and do some awesome covers :)

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Wow I don't know what I used to do before studying and exercise. Oh that is right I used to be creative, I'd sew, paint, write happier things.

Anyway, I pretty much did nothing, I watched a documentary on large families (like where there are twins, triplets, quads etc). Folded up clothes in my room and spent about an hour trying to decide what to wear this evening.

Black tights, denim shorts, black vest top, shirt (my dad's old one)...

Apprehensive.



Tomorrow, I'm going to go to Starbucks for HOURS to revise and then I'm going to swim loads and I'm going to do that all week :) I need to loose so much weight this week. I erugh. Sorry...boring.

My Day Off

I'm taking a day off today. I'm not going swimming, later I'm going to a gig with my friends. This afternoon I'm going to play around on the internet, maybe record some more of my poems and just chill out.

I realised how tired I am, how much my muscles ache. Yes I'm still fat, but I'm not going to 'exercise' today, I'll walk and dance later with my friends. I had a driving lesson earlier and I'll do more driving to collect my brother from work this evening.

No swimming, no sit-ups, no cycling.

I've had:

2 cups of coffee - 40
bread - 100
2 biscuits - 138
peas - 45
small egg - 70

= 393

So I really SHOULD go swimming but I'm not going to, I'm just going to relax without exercising.

Monday, 13 June 2011

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm just so tired right now.

Sunday, 12 June 2011

SlutWalk

So much happened yesterday I can't sum it up at all.

I wrote my first poem in ages. Here is me reading it >>>>.<<<<. I don't have an audio editer so the first 3 seconds are silent. It is only very short.

Yesterday had so many emotions. All the people there, all the slogans on banners. All the journalists photographing and interviewing. None of my photos got used, I'm glad though because :/ yeh, just awkward.

We marched up to Trafalgar Square where there was music and speeches. I didn't agree with everything that was said, there was a woman reading poetry though which was really good.

Lily and I went to starbucks and chatted for about 3 hours, completely lost track of time. Her Dad called and I looked at my watch expecting to be shocked that it was 6pm...it was 7.15pm! It was a lovely lovely day though, even though it was hard. I wrote about my rape on my arm and people read it and that was hard. Some people said really nice things about it. One man from the Sunday Times said to his colleague "there is a story there" and I felt awful, that is all I was to them, a story.

I'm so glad I went though, I'm so glad Lily was there with me, I really couldn't have done it without her.

*****

Revision today hasn't gone so well, I could fit in another 4 hours but I have so much going through my head that was dragged up yesterday that it is so hard to concentrate.

Yesterday I had 320calories, today I've had about 1000 calories of granola, 50 calories soup, 160 calorie bag of crisps, 69 calorie biscuit, 103 calorie fondant fancy cake...

Friday, 10 June 2011

SlutWalk

I'm going to the London Slutwalk tomorrow. I was (am) quite apprehensive, then I read this blog and it just confirmed to me that I'm doing the right thing.

People like to think that victim-blaming doesn't happen, that themselves aren't victim blamers.
I'm not actually very articulate, in that ranting isn't actually articulate. Hence the link to the blog which says it much better than I could "Of course the rapist is to blame, but.."

I'll write about how it was afterwards.

For me this isn't just about supporting a cause, it is about going into a situation I know I couldn't have dealt with a year let alone 3 years ago, I'm scared, but it is going to be okay.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Ebay & Swimming costumes

I have actually done some revision today! Not enough, but it is the first time I feel like I've properly concentrated since before half term.
I'm 'on a break' at the moment because I'm waiting for a swimming costume to end on ebay. I get through quite a lot of costumes so I can't afford to spend £30 on them which is what it seems like most places sell them for. Also, I need a proper sports one so I can swim without is falling down/ coming undone. I got a £11 kids one from Debenhams and it only lasted about 5 swims! Also Debenhams kids sizes are crazy. I got age 13-14 and it was too big and I am NOT skinny at the moment!

So yep current bid is 99p :D

I'm going to get a bikini from H&M kids because they are only £2.99...I just want to see what it looks like, I'll probably never wear it..my stomach is never toned.

...

coffee
frube
coffee
cereal bar
coffee

...

I'll be getting help in Nottingham Shannice, don't you worry :P Lissy is going to chastise me if I don't!!!

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

dizzy

I need to go revise, I'm still in my PJ's because then I have to go back up to my room and then I will revise!
I get stuck in this 'worry rut' which basically means I just procrastinate the entire time.

Once I'm worrying about a few things, I worry about everything and everyone. I think people find it hard to tell me to just get lost. I want to help people but I get to close, I haven't worked out the difference between helping them and telling them what to do. I need to just chill.

I need to do the lac operon, nitrogen cycle and genetics today.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

More food, more exams...

I binged and purged today.
Yesterday I ate 389 calories
Today I've had 814 (not including the binge-purge).

I've had loads to drink but I have an awful headache.

I had driving. It was ok, reversing around corners next week...

I didn't do any revision, I went swimming instead. I have maths (calculator paper) on Friday and Biology (main A2 paper) on Monday. Not revising is NOT a good idea.

I want to be in London, then I could see Lily and Lissy way way way more. And I could track down Got2Purge and stalk her :P
It takes just over an hour on the train an costs £10-£15 depending on the time of day...which is cool, I could go once a week I just don't have the effing TIME. Well I do...I could revise all day one day and not go swimming that day or the day I'm in London and it would be fine but...NOT go swimming??? Concentrate on revision???

Monday, 6 June 2011

?

All I talk about is exams and food. I'm so sorry if you text me as well as read (basically Lissy) because that is all you hear about...

There are other stuff going round my head but I just don't know what to say...

I'm not bothered what my sexuality is, I don't think you can categorise people as simply as Gay, Bi, Straight. I think it is more of a spectrum. I'm not sure where I am on that spectrum. I've been thinking for a few years that I'm somewhere between Bi and Straight. But it is all confused because I want to be close to just someone, and it is simpler if it is a man and safer if it is a woman.

Essentially I don't think I'm ready for any sort of relationship but I kind of want something just to happen at university. I don't know if I'm capable of loving someone, I know I love my little brother but everyone else IN THE WORLD I feel could hurt me, I can't 100% trust them and that means I can't love them. I do care about a lot of people though.

But then I have dreams, and I'm not talking about crazy teenage wet dreams (or maybe I am, I don't know what other people dream about). But I was with a girl I know and we kissed and fooled around but then these two guys moved into the flat below us and then I was with one of them.

I wish everything that has happened hadn't happened so I could have normal relationships.


I might delete this, I might not. I don't know.

Sunday, 5 June 2011

You guys are so lovely

Thank you so much for the lovely comments, they really mean a lot.

Today got a mid B for my maths, so I am improving :) I still need to do a lot today and tomorrow morning before the exam...then I need to get back to Biology and hope I haven't forgotten it all over the past 10 days.

I haven't binged or purged today, I did take laxatives last night though.

I'm getting really behind on my target weights, tomorrow I'm going to be 2kg heavier than I'm meant to be (i.e. I've just wasted 7-10 days.


I'm going to the London Slutwalk next Saturday. I'm quite nervous, I don't know if I could deal with anyone yelling abuse at us. I have a T-shirt to decorate but I don't know what to put on it, at the moment all can think is just to write 'no' all over it.

Slutwalk is about saying it isn't the person who gets raped fault, it is 100% the rapist's fault. I know that is true, but I've been blaming myself for over half my life.

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Purging doesn't solve equations

I went for a drive with my Dad this morning, it was good to get to practice but I hate driving his car, his gear stick wrenches my shoulder and his car stalls all the time (even when he drives it).

Then I came home and did maths, on the paper I did yesterday I got a B by 1%, I haven't marked today's paper yet but I have learnt some stuff. I felt so stressed out, I still feel stressed out. I binged and purged, not like I used to, this was 'only' about 700 calories or at least less than 1000.

I had:

crisps- 150
ice cream-100
crisps- 150
cereal- 300, 400?
iced bun- 165


Then this afternoon I watched a film and watched Dr Who. I feel more relaxed now, except we're having fish and chips for dinner... Casualty is on in 35 minutes though so that is something else to relax in front of.

Tomorrow I'll mark today's paper, review what I didn't get right and do the third and last paper I have, mark and review that then hope for the best for Monday!


I'll live

I'll live

I'll live

Friday, 3 June 2011

Food

coffee- 20
cereal bar- 114
2 chocolate biscuits- 142

Starbucks- 142
wotsits- 123

couscous-67
chorizo- 100
tomatoes- 70
courgette- 17

ice cream- 80
icing- 100
cereal bar- 114

cornflakes- 150
crisps- 150

=1389

I swam 3km and walked for over an hour.



I ate icing ON ITS OWN! I feel disgusting.

'The Friend Technique'

I met up with Lissy yesterday, it was really nice and even though we didn't do that much walking I'm shattered today.
It made me realise how distorted I am about myself. I can be completely rational and sensible when it comes to her but in the evening we were talking about goal weights and I was saying how when I go to university I'll just maintain and everything will be fine. Lissy said "but how? how are you suddenly going to be okay with doing that?" and she is right, but I still honestly think everything will change because it HAS to change. I think I have an eating disorder and have had one for the past 5 years because it suits me, it aids my survival. Realistically I can't 'survive' at university if I'm not happy, so I'll have to be happy?

I don't know.

I'm so sleeepy, I haven't updated my tumblr in ages even though I have quite a lot to put on there.

My weight is down again today to nearer where it was this time last week.

I still need to do maths, but that means going to Waterstone's to get the practice papers and I can't really go all the way into town without going swimming..!

Another philosophical questions Lissy and I pondered was why is a Mocha Light frappacino 45p more expensive than a Coffee Light frappacino when it contains the same amount of stuff!


FRAPPUCCINO® BLENDED BEVERAGES - COFFEE LIGHT
COFFEE FRAPPUCCINO® (NO WHIP)
Tall - Skimmed Milk (£2.75)
83.1
Grande - Skimmed Milk
118.2
Venti - Skimmed Milk
139.3
MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO® (NO WHIP)
Tall - Skimmed Milk (£3.20!!!)
96.0
Grande - Skimmed Milk
142.8
Venti - Skimmed Milk
179.1
CARAMEL FRAPPUCCINO® (NO WHIP)
Tall - Skimmed Milk
96.4
Grande - Skimmed Milk
133.9
Venti - Skimmed Milk
165.5


This is from the UK site by the way I think American sizes are larger and therefore different calories.