Saturday, 30 July 2011

I'm going to type up the letter I wrote to my Mum last night.

She is being crap. I start talking to her, just chatting and she wanders off. Now she is in the kitchen saying to my Dad how she hates it when we comment on how much she is drinking and saying to him that it is nothing compared to all the things I've done. I want to scream at her but I need her, and she will just walk away. Well not walk away, just exclude me.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

EATING EATING EATING. Like 700 calories. Now I really do have to go swimming. We're going in about 40 minutes, I should drive. I need the practice but equally if my Dad has a go at me whilst driving I'm already pissed off so I'd yell and he'd get super-dooper angry.

Grrr. swimming costume is too big and I can't get a proper sports one that fits right for my height. So...I got a bikini. It is a kids one but just plain green. I've never ever worn a bikini before, this is the first one I've ever owned. I'm super scared about wearing it. Not so much because of my shape but because I have hair...everywhere. Like I shave and pluck and blablah...but I have hair still like fine hair all on my stomach and it isn't blond so you can see it and argh!

Grey Out

I can't face doing anything. I haven't showered, it is so dull and grey out. I want to DO something. But I can't face anything at all.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Times they are a changin'

Just about to go for my driving lesson so I'm not sure why I'm blogging right now.
The doctor's was fine, I didn't see my usual GP but this other woman was just as nice, I have a blood test about the thyroid problem tomorrow afternoon.

Yesterday afternoon my little brother and I went shopping, it was so lovely. He is 13 and he has Asperger's Syndrome (a type of Autism) but he has done so well in the last 6 months. He has done a whole term of school, completely normally and been to the cinema, sleepovers etc with friends. Anyway we went shopping and we're now the same jean size in H&M (13-14) and a medium men's shirt! The shirt and the jeans have room to grow but he is getting so tall! We also got him some converse-style shoes and he looks super cool. Not that he doesn't normally but he is getting to the stage where our Mum buying his clothes isn't so cool anymore and his friends aren't really into going shopping. I love my little brother so much, more than anyone else. We don't argue, I think he is cool, if he carries on doing so well socially he is NOT going to have trouble with girls (he already has a few who are constantly facebooking him!). I just love him.

But I'm going to university and he won't be old enough to visit me on his own during my first year because it is a 4 hour train journey with changes and everything and he has only ever got the train with me. My older brother will probably be moving out at the same time. Possibly to Maine...we live in England by the way...if he goes to Maine he'll be doing his Master's and teaching here. Even if he stays with his current company his next contract could be almost anywhere in the world.

Times they are a changin'.

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

I think I might have an under active thyroid. I have a lot of the symptoms except the weight gain but equally if I eat 900-1000 calories a day I gain 0.5kg a week so clearly if I ate 'normally' I would be gaining weight. I'm going to the doctor's next Monday about it and to get the form for scar make-up signed (Skin camouflage from the Red Cross).

I painted most of the kitchen yesterday, I need to finish parts above the cupboards then do the utility room. It is alright doing it, like actually doing something useful I'm just so tired.

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Sorry I haven't commented on anyone's blog for the past few days, I've read a few but not everyone's because I'm just so damn tired ALL THE TIME.

I went out with my mum yesterday and got tired before her (and she has multiple physical disabilities) we went round loads of charity shops in west kent/ sussex (counties in south east england). It was good, I got a really nice bracelet for £1.50, a denim jacket for £2 and a shirt (from H&M) for £1.50! And they all actually fit! Well the denim jacket is big but it is from the 80's so I think it is meant to be like that.

Anyway, day out with my mother. She has recently been going on about me and food, talking about when I was "really underweight" and stuff as if that is happening now. Basically she thinks I'm not eating enough so has decided to tell me I'm too thin. When my hips ached yesterday she said it was because I didn't have enough fat?! Actually it is probably because for the last 2 weeks I've barely done any exercise or swimming which I am MEANT to do according to the PHYSIO. But no, clearly fat supports your hips...

I ended up eating 1680 calories, I didn't go wild and have dessert or anything but we spent the whole day together and I wanted to seem like I would just eat like this normally. So I ate lunch, I didn't order something unhealthy but it was about 600 calories, maybe less, I don't know. I'd already had 100 from a coffee and fruit before we went out. Then we had a flapjack about 5pm which was 200, then at home we had dinner. It all adds up, but do I have energy today? Did I have energy yesterday?? Starting to think this whole "food gives you energy" thing is a scam!

I don't know how I'm going to do the PT meet tomorrow, last time we walked for ages round London, I don't know if I can do that at the moment and I'm the biggest going so I'll just be the fat lazy one...

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Hush abye baby...

I've lost a kilo since Monday, which is good but it is just weight I'd gained from after I'd lost...I'm not sleeping much.

My mum managed to have a whole conversation with me about her friend's daughter's anorexia without mentioning my ED. She said some really angry-making things like how the daughter is ruining their family life and how she thinks she IS eating at school. "She eats chocolate so she isn't exactly going to starve is she" Yes mum, 40, 100 calories of chocolate is going to make a massive difference when you're underweight and have been underweight for over 2 years just about keeping yourself above admission weight.
Then yesterday she picked me up from the pool and we drove to get my brother (about 30min drive) and we were talking about dieting and how I thought WeightWatchers is stupid because they run on points which means it can be better to eat a biscuit than some fruit. (And points are stupid, higher fat means higher calories due to hydrogens so you can just use calories with a cursorary glance at fat content.) Anyway, we were at a junction and I can't really remember what I said...I kept thinking things in my head and I can't remember what I said out loud. :S

I reallllly don't want to go to the homeless day centre tomorrow :/ I don't know what to do.

I'm so tired.

Friday, 8 July 2011

Ends of Eras

My food intake has gone right back down again to lower than it was. I'm completely exhausted, today was the first day I got up before 10am all week.
I went to my college mentor's leaving party. It was nice just a bit awkward given pretty much everyone else there was a tutor or lecturer. Got to see my old teacher's newborn though which was lovely.
I had my Disabled Student Allowance assessment/meeting yesterday. It was SO much BETTER than I had expected. Not at all clinical, very caring and so understanding. It couldn't have gone better I don't think.

Anyway they've recommended (subject to funding approval which should be fine) that I have:
  • A laptop and scanner- printer
  • Internet
  • Various programmes like powertalk and mindmap and sonocent
  • Audiorecorder (dictaphone)
  • 2 hours mentoring per week
  • 1 hour speciality tutoring per week
  • 12 hours IT training for the new equipment
  • Ink/paper/photocopying allowance
  • Book allowance
  • Emergency travel allowance
I think that is everything (!) I totally didn't expect so much. I mean I do think I need it and it will help a lot but :D after all of secondary school being rubbish, hospital being rubbish, college was quite good but I didn't get this much stuff which meant I couldn't really be independent. Also the mentor has to be trained in my conditions (ED, Asperger's, OCD, depression etc) so I might not even have to see a separate Mental Health team :O

I hate committing myself to anything, I panic and want to get up. I've realised I've said I'll go into the homelessness drop-in when I have a driving lesson so I need to let them know but ahhh. I feel such a let down. Do you think it is really bad if I just email them???

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

'ello 'ello

I'm eating so much today. Things go well for awhile and now I'm just like foodfoodfood.
Yesterday I sent another letter to my psych about stuff. I'm thinking too much.

Three years ago I was discharged from one hospital which means I think about other discharges and then I think about being raped and then I think about being raped when I was younger and then ahhh. So it was about that along with an article I cut out of the Financial Times weekend magazine.

I called the charity I'm going to be volunteering with today, I'm going in tomorrow morning to look around. I've cancelled the summer camp I was meant to be helping at...I just couldn't face it.

I haven't heard back about the job I applied to but the closing date isn't until Friday.


I got uber pissed off on a friend's behalf yesterday at another girl we both know. She is just so insensitive to how she makes my friend feel. I wish she'd just leave her alone and stop thinking they have fun together when my friend just finds the whole thing super stressful and feels awful afterwards. But I know I can't get involved, my friend is in charge of her own life :)

(Oh and if you're reading this, and you can see this is about you - you're blocked for a reason. Get out of my blog, I'm so angry at you. Do not contact me.)


My Dad has gone out and left countdown on. I have really bad blisters on my feet, or rather open wounds, the blisters burst, they are a about 1.5cm in diameter. I can't go swimming until they've healed a bit more. I went yesterday and it hurt so much I could only stay in 45 minutes and that was agonising (I kinda liked the pain though?!). I came out and they went a bit manky and yeh...had to disinfect them with alcohol and stuff.

Why do I want so much food?! I did so well yesterday and today it is all I can think about. Probably because I'm not doing anything.

Fat Lassie is back :D

Friday, 1 July 2011


Okay, so...if I go to Nottingham then I'll be in catered accommodation. You eat breakfast and dinner in the dining hall with the other people from your hall (about 200 other people) and you get lunch at a cafe on campus. I was hoping, this would be a step in terms of regaining normal eating patterns. People will notice if I never eat and it is essentially like hospital in that there are set portion sizes and set meals. Obviously there wouldn't be anyone making my clear my plate or weighing me etc. etc.

However, at Winchester I could end up in catered or self-catered accommodation, I'll be in a complete whorlwind because I would only have known I was going for 10 days before I leave and I will only be able to take what I can carry on the train with me because we're meant to be on holiday then. I won't be able to go but my parents still will then they'll bring the rest of my stuff once they get back from the holiday.

I know either way things could go badly or well. I know I could be putting 'normal eating' into practice at home in the next 2 months. I can't eat properly at home, I can't change here, I can't get "better" at home.

I know it is illogical but I want to lose lots and lots of weight this summer then go to Nottingham and get back to a healthy weight but more importantly healthy minded.

I want to know where I am going. I hate not knowing.