Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Update...and I'm off again!

I tried to upload the video to here but it was taking forever so for an update go to my youtube channel!

Basically I'm feeling too tired to type much so I made a video. I'm off to Cornwall in a few hours so I'll be back on Sunday.

I have tried to catch up with some blogs but I haven't got back on top of it and now I'm away without internet again so I'll be back to normal next week!

Friday, 19 August 2011

I'm going awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Okay, so I'm:
20th August - 26th August: Sailing
26th August - 30th August: Scout camp
1st September - 3rd September: With family in Cornwall

So I'm probably not going to blog until the 4th September?! I might possibly have time on the 30th. So YEAH. It is 9pm and I haven't packed yet and I only got asked to sail yesterday. Ahh.

I need to pack but I just wanted to let you guys know I haven't disappeared of the face of the earth! Also when I next blog I will be able to tell you definitely which university I'm going to.

Thursday, 18 August 2011

So video blogs are very exciting however the do require more privacy than typing.
SO...yep. My Life.

I agreed to go sailing next week to the Channel Islands. It is with the charity I used to sail with but haven't done since last October. This meant rearranging my driving theory, driving lesson and orthodontist appointment...but I'm scared of going! I'm going on Saturday morning, I get off the boat on Friday 26th then I'm going straight to an 18+ scout camp then I have a couple of hours home on the evening of Tuesday 30th August then I'm in Cornwall until Saturday 3rd September!!! I won't sleep in my own bed for 2 weeks!

But what I'm most scared about going away is that I'll gain weight. On the boat I SHOULDN'T gain weight because I have say cereal or an egg for breakfast, soup for lunch and then a small portion of a proper dinner and coffee all through the day. But when we go ashore I eat more, or when I just get so so so cold I think I'm going to die I eat more because I CAN'T GET ILL THERE. They know I'm a little crazy and that my weight has fluctuated but they've only known me 2 years, so after the worst of it all and they don't know any details. But over a week I will probably gain. Then I have camping which is a similar situation only I will have more control...so that'll be okay. Then in Cornwall I'm with my parents and little brother so it is like being at home, but I haven't been on holiday with them since I was 15 and they have picnics a lot and I don't like sandwiches. And they'll get things like fish and chips and I don't know if I can say no to everything. But in the next 3 weeks I want to lose about 5kg (11lbs) but I won't. I know I won't, I'll probably gain about 3kg. :'(

Thank you for all your lovely comments. I feel really self-absorbed, not only do I have a blog but I could happily talk at a camera for several hours a day...maybe this is a therapy replacement?

I got a message from someone from PT saying she thinks another PT/hospital person misses me. Which makes me feel awkward and bad, but I know I can't be friends with the PT/hospital person. I just can't be.

A-level results!

Sorry getting into this vlogging thing!

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

First vlog

I made a video :O

22 hours ish

Woke up in an actual panicking sweat over results day tomorrow. I feel the need to do some random blogging so hows about I explain how it works for those who don't live in the UK? Yep cool, be prepared to get bored.

So Primary school 4- 11
Secondary school 11-16
Sixth form/ college (either at your secondary school or a different site) 16-18/19 (but you can go if you're an adult to a college)

So in your last 2 years at secondary school you do your GCSE's. You need 5 GCSE's (so english, maths, science and say religion and history) at grade A*- C to be a sucess in the government's eyes. A lot of people don't get that but most people I know have 8- 13 GCSE's and they would all be A*- C maybe with a D in a random subject.
Then you do 2 years of A-levels which are what gets you into university. You sit the exams in January and June of those two years so you can resit all bar the final papers and results come out on the 3rd Thursday of August every year. You normally need 3 A-levels for university, some courses you only need 2 and if you're applying for Art you can sometimes just do a portfolio, same for drama. Other universities want you to have 4 or 3 and a half (so you studied 4 in your first year then 3 in your 2nd year so 3 and a half).

Then you go to University for 3 years unless you do a longer course (like medicine- 6 years or architechture - 7 years) most engineering subjects are 4 years. Then as long as you get a 2nd class honors you can do a master's Phd or whatever.

I don't know how degrees are graded in other countries but we have 1st, upper 2nd, lower 2nd, 3rd and ordinary.

1st is 70% + (but not in all subjects this is just roughly)
and the lowest passing grade is 40% I think. Anything less than a lower 2nd is pretty bad and you can't go on to Masters or a lot of other things.

I however have done 3 years of A-levels at a college. I was going to study languages so I didn't take any science subjects so when I decided I wanted to do psychology I didn't have the right subject combination.

Originally I wanted to be a doctor but I had to choose my A-levels in hospital when I was 15 (last year of secondary school) and my Psychiatrist and idiotic man said I wouldn't be allowed to be a doctor. Which is complete and utter bull. So anyway I took humanities: English, religious studies and French.

My family have all gone out. I'm sewing but I'm scared I'm going to binge. So far I've had a coffee (10), soup (50) wafer (40) and half a peanut biscuit (34). It is only 1pm by the way. I think a lot of people have to problem of in trying to eat they binge and in trying not to binge they restrict. This is why I'm hoping that by being in catered halls at university I won't have food around except at meal times when I'm in front of people so I'll either have to eat normally or just not eat? I don't know. I'll have to see where I'm even going. If I don't get into Nottingham then I don't even know whether I'll be in catered or non-catered halls or a house or what.

Lastly (I think) I try to follow people who follow me, but I know that there is absolutely now way I'm following you all. If you actually read this (because I'm sure not all my followers actually do!) and I'm not following you/ you're not sure if I'm following you, give me a nudge and I'll get reading :)

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

41 hours to go

I felt like I'd already blogged today but clearly I haven't. I ended up having about 1400 calories yesterday, it wasn't a binge but it was all (bar 85) after 3pm.
Today I'm having about 800? I don't know. I'm kinda stuck like I feel like if I get into Nottingham then I have to start eating 100% properly and get healthy and all that but another part of me thinks that I want to start university really thin so if I gain weight then it doesn't matter? Like the supposed 'freshman 15'lbs? I don't know. I always do this "I'll do this when this happens" and in the end I just stay the way I am flicking between wanting to be better to wanting to be sick to wanting to be better but still the very bottom of healthy BMI range. Meaning I vary in weight around the same region a lot. I guess it is better than I used to be though, all out for losing at any cost.
My Dad has food poisoning, he ate 4 day old spinach risotto leftover in the fridge which had smoked salmon in :/ he has had about 3 cups of tea and half a peice of toast all day and I'm thinking "why can't I have food poisoning" which is stupid.
I'm making my rucksack but I really want one of these things that let you put metal eyelets in fabric. Like the metal shoelace things on boots/shoes but for the top of the bag. Anyway I don't know how to do it because the punch things cost over £20. Might have to alter the design a tad.

Thursday. Thursday. Thursday. Thursday. Thursday. Thursday. Thursday.
41 hours to go.

Monday, 15 August 2011

Monday monday monday

I feel a bit better today.

I've started sorting out my room, I vacuumed a bit downstairs and trimmed my hair. Later I'm going in to the city and returning a jacket and a jumper, buying some lining for the rucksack I'm making inspired by this one but the design has changed a bit because I decided I wanted one big pocket rather than two little ones. Then I'm going swimming, probably dragging my little brother out too because he only just got downstairs and it is noon already!

I don't have a massive list of activity this week, I'm mainly just waiting for my results on Thursday and then I'll know what I'm doing/ not doing with the next 3 years of my life!

I was going to put a picture of my ever so slightly shorter hair but I realised it still goes past the bottom of the screen unless I cut my head off (with the webcam) so yeah. It is boob length :P
Which I'm quite impressed with given the amount that comes out when I brush it and how much I lost when I was 14 in a mixture of anorexia and deciding to set fire to some of it...yes I am amazingly less mental than I used to be. Don't ever do that by the way, it smells foul and will carry on smelling foul every time you shower for months on end. But hey if you're TRYING to get locked up!

I have £30 of Cath Kidston vouchers and I don't know what to get... I know that sounds incredibly...I don't know. But to be honest I'd much rather have the £30 to pay for all the other things but you can't exchange the vouchers and no one else wants them. So I guess I have to 'treat myself'!

Lots of love to you all xxx

Sunday, 14 August 2011

আমি দুঃখিত

Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat

Appendix, I'm sorry if my comment pissed you off. I can't comment on your latest post. :/

I keep flicking between underweight/ normal range/ underweight/ normal range. I need to be <18.5 on Thursday. I know it is illogical and 18.5 is still huge but that way if I don't get into university at least I can be thin. I don't know.

So so so so scared.

I'm massively bloated, I got my period. How does it make sense?

I lost my period in March 2009 BMI 17 ish then I didn't have it for 26 months and now this is my third one, even though between March 2009 my BMI has been up and down loads. Like last November it was 22 probably, and last August I was a healthy weight again from January when it was nearer 16 or 15.

I'm not entirely honest with you guys. I don't know why, but I guess it is my blog...like I've said about getting my period in the past when I haven't. So I don't have to think about not being able to have children. And blabhblahblah. I actually got practically kicked off a site (the site I was on before PT) because some people got annoyed that I'd lost so they were saying I should be in the anorexic section not the EDNOS section and blabhlabh.

Sorry, I know I'm odd.

Appendix I'm sorry. x

Saturday, 13 August 2011

How I know Lissy (comment response to Ais!)

Well essentially we know each other from PT. Someone I was in hospital (non-ED) with who had met up with her through PT. Then on the 1st London PT meet we had that in common and had chatted on facebook. So we talked loads and then when I was in London other times we met up and then I came to London purely to chill with her because she is super cool and we can shop in the kids departments and just say whatever crazy ideas are in our heads. She has come to see me too and we have a mutual love for Starbucks.
So now we see each other every month or few weeks. However I'm going to University in a month and I'm going to be further away from London and the train is more expensive and I'm not really sure what we're going to do :/

Friday, 12 August 2011


Hi. So I should probably write an update from Tuesday...but I don't know if I have the energy.

I had an argument with my friends in the pub on Tuesday night about the riots and the man who was shot in Tottenham and yeah...I cba to explain it all but I've lost a lot of respect for them. "Let's face it, the guy they shot was probably guilty, I mean he probably was wasn't he!" is what one of my 'friends' said. I walked out in the end.

Wednesday I got the train to London, met Lily in Camden, we hung out for a few hours, I can't really remember what we did really? Then I met Lissy after she finished at "the fucking deli". You should read her blog. Then we went back to her endz and went to her ED appointment which you can read about on her blog, it isn't really my place to say about it. But it was okay and I was super proud because she didn't cry or walk out early :)
Then we went to Starbucks, and got things for dinner in Sainsbury's which you can guess was an odd mix of things given it was us...yay for lettuce and piri piri ketchup! We had some other bits too. And we chilled out with Lissy's super cool sister and watched a film which we didn't actually watch because we talked all through it.

On Thursday we got up and went to Starbuck's for breakfast coffee before Lissy had to go back to "the fucking deli", then I went to Victoria station and had more Starbucks and read the newspaper. Then I met Lily and we went to a Folk Festival thing in Kent. We went on the beach and had tomato soup for lunch and chilled out and it was lovely. She got me a really soft elephant toy for my Birthday because of this dream and I was going to hyperlink 'dream' to a blog post where I wrote about said dream but clearly I didn't. Basically I dreamt I had a mini elephant which was really soft and only about 40cm tall and totally lovely and cute and the dream was SO real I was actually really sad when I woke up.

Then today I met the 'best'friend for shopping. Which was semi-hard work because...we don't spend much time together or contact each other that often so it just isn't so relaxed. But it was ok, I had tomato soup for lunch again. And Starbucks again... I guess because seeing her was so juxtaposed to seeing Lily and Lissy which I can say anything to and be so relaxed around it felt more awkward.

I don't know what I'm doing this evening. Sleeping and sewing probably because I feel like I've done so much this week.

Results day next Thursday. 3rd year running I'm not the weight I planned to be for it...= going to fail life.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Hmm hmm hmm. I have a croaky throat. I had driving this morning, it was fine and I know I'm not ready to take my test yet but it is getting kinda frustrating because I could just drive around fine on my own I'm just not good enough at parking to pass...but still better than a lot of people!

I'm pretty stunned about everything in London. It all started off in Tottenham, where I used to live, the highstreet I used to be pushed along in the buggy when I was a toddler. I can't really believe it is all happening, especially the things like attacking fire-fighters trying to put out fires and stuff. Then there are all the crimes that aren't being responded to because the police are too busy: domestic violence, child abuse etc. etc. etc.

I texted my friend yesterday saying I was finding it hard that she doesn't reply to my messages for days or weeks or sometimes at all. I tried to say it really nicely and everything but she seems really offended. I don't know. I give in trying to be open with people.

I'm really huge, I've gained 1.5kg since Sunday, which has made me all bloated and I feel so so so huge. I wish I could just write a number on a piece of paper and that would be my weight for the day.

Sunday, 7 August 2011

I ate a small amount on Friday, a lot yesterday and then I'm having a small amount again today.

Tomorrow I'm going to collect this Ottoman from someone with my Mum then we'll probably go to this massive shopping centre.
Tuesday I have my driving lesson, swimming and then seeing friends in the evening.
Wednesday I'm going to London, seeing Lily for a bit then meeting up with Lissy and staying at hers :)
Thursday I'm meeting Lily and we're going to this folk festival near-ish where I live on the coast.
Friday I'm finally seeing my 'best' friend after weeks because she was at university then in France for a month etc. we haven't spent any proper time together in about 6 months.


In the next month I want to lose about 8kg well 6-10kg. But if I lose 10kg I'll be in trouble probably, but they can't admit me any more so yeah.

It is a lot easier to be admitted as a child than as an adult. So when I was 14 I was BMI 16 when I was admitted for ED and self-harm and suicide attempts. I went to adolescent pysch though not specialist ED though they were meant to have a specialism in ED however I managed to drop to a BMI of 13 whilst in hospital so clearly they weren't that specialised!
And when I was 15 I was admitted for non-ED with a BMI of 17. But as an adult I couldn't go to general adult psych because that is for (at least in my area) completely crazy people and I'd have to be practically dying to go to the specialist ED place as an inpatient. Also in 40 ish days I'm going to University a couple of hundred miles from home and my doctor here can't directly refer me to a doctor there. I'd have to be referred back to my GP, then go to a GP at uni who would then get my notes from my GP at home who would then decide what to do.

But I'm not going to get really sick, I want to be thin, thinner than I should be but I still want to live a proper life. Contradiction in terms possibly but I'll see what happens.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Hier, c'etait mon anniversaire et c'etait super-cool...

Clearly all the French kids are using 'super-cool' all the time cos the 80's are so back in! Our French textbooks (in fact all our textbooks!) at school were so out of date. In Geography we were making predictions for after the millennium (I started Secondary school in 2003!) and I went on French exchange speaking "comme ma grand-mere" according to my exchange partner.

Anywho, yes it was my 19th and it was actually really good given I generally hate birthdays. I met up with Lissy in London, we were going to go cycling on the Boris bikes but I was feeling too lazy and too sunburnt so we went shopping :)

We went to Primark, which for those not in the UK is a really really cheap chain of shops. They sell shoes for £4, vest tops/dresses for £3 the most expensive things they sell are the £25 winter coats. Obviously it isn't amazing quality, I generally get my underwear and t-shirts there. Things that are going to wear out anyway and not be any better quality (or any more ethical) from anywhere else.

So I spent almost £30 in there. £6.60 on pants (undies), £7 on a kids dress, £7 on a new little bag for going out (if my bag gets stolen I don't want to be bothered about my wallet , keys AND the bag), a white long-sleeve and a green vest top which I can actually wear as a dress!

We had frequent Starbucks and McDonald's diet coke stops. We also went to Topshop, Urban outfitters and my favourite little fabric shop The Cloth House and I got the canvas so I can make a bag like this >>>
But for less than the £129 it costs from COS.

Then we went and sat in the station McDonald's, had a minor row and a bit of a cry because I'd decided to get a garden side salad, sprite zero and 4 chicken nuggets and the man wouldn't sell the 4 chicken nuggets to me. I've always had them and he was insisting they don't sell them. It takes so much to work out what I'm going to eat, how many calories, if I really need it etc.etc. that I was pretty sad and angry when he wouldn't sell me them. The lovely Lissy was there to shake me a little though :P and we went to the downstairs one and it was all fine.

Then I got the train home, had dinner :S (curry!) with my parents and best friend, then cake (apple cake, I made it more apple = less other high fat/cal ingredients!) but my mum had iced it so it was uber filling.

My brother, best friend and I went to a pub in town and met other friends and it was really really lovely to see people. I stayed at a friend's house in his brother's uber comfy double bed (his brother is in Sweden at the world scout jamboree), my friend slept in his own room just to clarify.

Then I came home this morning. I feel a bit ill because I had a lot to drink and I don't normally drink however it was more the amount of sugar in the drinks people were buying me that I struggled with.

I had:
Single gin & tonic
Malibu & Pineapple
Double aerosmith and coke? I think it was called

Then my (evil) friend got me half a pint of cider with a shot of vodka and a blue WKD all mixed together = bright green drink. It looked like I was drinking a pint of apple sourz (probably had as much sugar!) so I dread to think what my calorie total for yesterday was.

Lissy and I did walk about 10km or so though :)

Thanks for the people who sent my birthday messages on comments/ facebook/ gmail :D/ in the case of Appendix, her blog title!

Monday, 1 August 2011

Went to the beach, which given I live so close to the coast I haven't actually done in a very very very long time.

I also wore a bikini for the second time ever and the first time on the beach.

We went in the sea. I got sun burnt.

It was nice, though I did purge my absolutely massive ice cream which my friend will probably soon put on facebook, seriously my arm ached from holding it!!!
It is my 19th birthday on Wednesday.

I was meant to be getting the bus in 6 minutes time but I'm still in my pyjamas.

I have a letter I need to post or drop in to my psych clinic to my psych. Hmm. I feel like I should edit it, but also I have my last appointment with her on the 8th September so what does it matter if I tell her too much. Equally, what does it matter if I don't say any more than I already have.

I want to swimming today. I either need to be done by 1.30pm or go after 4pm which means I can't do the driving to collect my brother from work.


Just got a text from my friend asking if I want to go to the beach. It is a friend I've known since I was 10 with another friend I've known since then. And one of them has scars too so I don't feel self-concious. I hope she means today. She did say road trip though...and I don't think either of them have passed yet?? I'm not doing my test 'til September.