Wednesday, 28 September 2011

tired

I'm so tired from everything. I had to register at the Health Centre, then I went to enrol on a biomed module but I got really really lost so that took ages. However it clashes with my lab group. There are 4 lab groups so I've emailed my whole year in Psychology to see if anyone wants to swap....hopefully they will otherwise I don't know what I'm going to do to get enough credits...

I have my first lecture tomorrow. It is for this biomedical class (Intro to Psysiology and Pharmacology) but I haven't been to a lecture yet and it is a proper teaching one not an introduction. It is on the internal cell environment :/ I don't know if there are materials online or not.

Monday, 26 September 2011

My room & a ramble from me!

Monday morning OMG WHAT AM I DOING HERE blog

Okay...slightly stressing out! I had breakfast with my block this morning (my hall is 300 people divided into blocks (like seperate staircases) and there are 18ish people in mine). It was easier than expected I had branflakes and coffee. But now I'm kinda scared because I need to go and find a freshers rep about events this evening and then I'm meeting Jenn (my mentor) in an hour but I don't know where yet.
I get on with pretty much everyone in my block which is really nice, I think we've gelled quite well.

It is all just a bit overwhelming. Also...the internet is super slow so I will make a video but I don't know how long it'll take to upload so no promises!

Also I just checked my bank account and until my grant comes through on Wednesdayish time I have £90 which I know is a lot for 3 days but it just makes me panic. I'm used to having emergency money, like serious emergency (I have to get home NOW and I will buy any ticket you've got to do so) kinda a thing! So it just panics me a little.

I'll probably be blogging a lot though :) xxx

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Sorry, this'll probably be an awful blog because I'm so so so tired!
I've moved in, eaten my first meal and met people. Now I'm going to bed! I haven't unpacked all my boxes, my room is smaller than I was expecting, I'll make a video or take some photos soon.
I've eaten so much yesterday and today but I've been extremely hungry. Also in the welcome box in our room there were crackers, crisps and a mini box of cereal..so I ate all of them :/ it was an illogical "If I eat them now, they won't be here later".
Tomorrow at 11am I'm meeting my mentor- Jenn, and then I have course talks and meeting my tutor at 12.30pm and 2pm.
In the evening there is the 'back to school club night (dressing up in school uniform for clubbing) or a pub quiz. I don't know which I'm going to do :/ I don't really want to go clubbing but I don't want to seem like a loser...

Anyway, night night xxx

Friday, 23 September 2011

I'm in Nottingham! We're staying in a hotel until Sunday when I move in. We were meant to meet my disability advisor (Carole) but the traffic was AWFUL we got stuck for 3 hours and travelled about 12 miles...
But I spoke to Carole on the phone though and my mentor (Jen) is going to email or text me so we can meet on Monday.

I'll write more and make a video once I've moved in :)


xxx

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

I'm not ready to go. I'm not ready to go. I'M NOT READY TO GO.

I'm not packed, I still need to buy things I forgot today, I need to magic into a real grown up...
I'm so so so scared. I had a nice morning but then things went downhill. I've been awake since 5am (I couldn't sleep) so I got tired and my mum was tired and she snapped at me and I got upset so I ate a bag of crisps so then I decided calories didn't matter today because I'd already ruined it and had a cookie and a muffin and then I ate dinner and then made microwave cake with my little brother. So...1400-1600 calories (but mainly unhealthy stuff).
I know I'm being such a hypocrite at the moment. Things were okay and now I'm just so stressed out about university that I'm falling into all the holes I'd previously climbed out of.

I went to college earlier to see my friend and my old tutor :) it was really nice.

I got an email from my university tutor :S there are 7 people (including me) in my tutorial group, we have a meeting on Monday at 2pm...I have to find his office :/ eek! His research specialism is NOT something I'm interested in...his specialism being the psychology of driving (and yes, I mean driving a car). Where they look at junctions etc.

Ohh wow...having said that a large proportion of his research seems to be on ASD (autistic spectrum disorders) which I have so...this could be good or bad. As you may have realised I'm not sterotypically Autistic or Aspergic. So...hopefully he doesn't try and...basically I want him to be my tutor not my psychologist.

Looking at all the tutors and what they have written papers on...i just want to go and talk to them! I hope the desire to learn will get me through the fear.

Take care ALL OF YOU xxx
Just on MY computer y'know, blogging :P

It just got delivered and set up :) I also have an external microphone so whilst my webcam still isn't great you'll be able to hear me in my videos better :)

...opseee...just accidently turned it off whilst trying to remove some sticky plastic.


I got the copy of my discharge letter my psych has written to my GP. I kind feel okay about it, kinda feel like it makes me sound a lot worse than I am. It is saying about mood and self harm which I don't think are super big issues anymore, she says a lot about food too. And that I overexercise which I don't. She has never said that I overexercise to me before.

Hmm.

Going into town later to see some people from college and I need to get a memory stick. What an exciting life. Then I'm coming home and FINISHING my bag, that is right guys, finishing...and it looks nothing like the original picture. Lets say "rustic charm" :P

I'm still super bloated, seriously normal everywhere else then my lower stomach is swollen and I have a pain in my left side. I've had it for awhile, I'm going to go to the doctor about it at uni but there is no point going here because I leave the day after tomorrow.

I hope you guys are okay :/ I mean, I know most of you aren't but still. I (whether you think it is sad or not) am closer to blogger people than anyone else. I've seen Lissy more times than I've seen any other friend this year. I've seen Lily (not blogger Lily, though I would love to see her!) more times than I've seen my 'best' friend. You guys know more about me than ANYONE...and in some ways that is a good thing. I can be on blogger wherever I am; university, home, away. It doesn't matter, but I really do care about you guys.










Ohh and I emailed the b-eat group at uni :/ they haven't emailed back because it isn't term time but..yeh I emailed them.
My stomach is super bloated, I don't know why but my stomach is properly rounded. I had 330 cals yesterday so it isn't that. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

Monday, 19 September 2011

A different type of girl

video

I was just going to upload it as audio but blogger doesn't let you do that (or at least not very easily) so apologies for the boring still background. This isn't the finished product, I'm not completely happy with all the inflections etc. in my voice, but I wanted some opinions.
I had a lovely day with Lissy yesterday, but it really hit me that this was the last time before I leave. And I'll probably see her once a month or so which is more than I'll see any other friend but I'm going to miss her so much.
We talked a lot about hospital, it made me realise how scewed my memories of my first admission are. I always knew my second admission was blurry but I thought I remembered my first admission better.

MARCH 2007 I was admitted
AUGUST 2007 I was discharged.

But a hell of a lot happened in between. Then I don't remember anything until about the 3rd week of August.

JANUARY 2008 I was admitted
JULY 2008 I was discharged

Two weeks later I went to a scout camp in the Netherlands. In August I went camping with my parents and little brother. September I started college. January stopped seeing my psychologist, March I lost my period, June I went sailing for the first time, July I went to Lyon, August I went to Tours and Paris. I got my AS results two B's and an E. I realised I couldn't apply to university that year. By January I was seeing my psych a few times a week because I was just crying or hyper all the time, ligaturing, weight had dropped. I was going to go back into hospital but it was up to me because I was over 16 and I said no. Took A levels but didn't sit my French. OD'd in March, had a seizure. August 2010 I turned 18, went to scout camp. Spent the 3 months of summer gaining weight. September I started Biology. November/ December the first PT London meet.

Okay bored now. But discussing it with Lissy made me realise that the dates didn't add up with the amount I thought me discharge weight was. I had it in my head I was 60kg but that is really unlikely. Maybe 50kg max.

Friday, 16 September 2011

My productive day

As Lissy may have guessed from my excessive spamming of her facebook wall...I haven't done a lot today.
I have actually done some packing, but there is only so much you can do a week before you're leaving...

Things I can do are:
  1. Post medical finance form (for free meds)
  2. Photocopy and scan in to computer all relevant paperwork
  3. Finish passport form
  4. Call student finance to swap accounts
  5. Sort out sewing stuff that I'm taking
  6. Finish the rucksack I'm making (almost there!!!)
  7. Wash sheets and towels
  8. Get stain remover powder (for laundry)
  9. Bike insurance
Then my computer gets delivered next Wednesday morning and I'll have to do some things with that. I need some memory sticks for putting my camera card in the PC and my microSD phone memory card. And I want a laptop case that I can just put in my rucksack instead of having a separate bag but I'll see what kind comes with my laptop first.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Hola!

Hey... I've not been up to much, I've just been really really tired.

I now haven't weighed myself in 10 days, this wasn't a deliberate thing, more that my room is such a mess I can't get to my scales. I have no idea if I've lost, gained or stayed the same.

My room is a huge mess because I'm trying to pack for university, I haven't got any further than the other day except the need to partially unpack so I could actually get dressed! I bought new pillows yesterday and set up a student bank account it was superdooper exciting..not.

Goodness I'm so boring. I get my laptop next Wednesday so I'll make a video then...or maybe once I've moved in, then you guys can see my uni place! Ahh!

It is seriously dawning on me that I'm actually leaving and not coming home for 3 months. Obviously when I was in hospital I was away from home but I did come home some weekends and the times when I wasn't allowed home for longish periods my mum would visit or I'd be too crazy to care what was going on. And lets face it...university is going to be completely different from an adolescent psych ward (lets hope so eh!)!

I don't know what to do about insuring my bicyle...I think I'll get my Dad to look up different options, he knows way more about the different companies.

I have the orthodontist in an hour, they'll x-ray and tighten up my lower brace. Then I'm going to see my grandparents, I haven't seen then in awhile because we went on holiday and everything, but they go on holiday on Sunday so it'll be the last time I see them until Christmas probably.

I keep worrying that whilst I'm away people are going to die. And not just one person but EVERYONE except my little brother and then I wouldn't know what to do. I don't know what I'd do if one person died either...but even if no one dies this term, this year, one day they are going to.

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

It isn't that I'm not reading, I just don't have the energy to comment at the moment. I know that doesn't really count if you don't even know I read your blog but...I've just been so tired since the weekend.
I tried starting to pack today and I just have so much stuff. Going through all my clothes I have changed shape/ lost weight relatively recently because things I bought in the spring are now too big/ loose. Like a dress I have on with lacy sleeves in some FB photos, I'd got it that day and it fitted now I have to put a belt on it or it looks silly and my arms don't fill the sleeves. But I don't feel a different size. I still have clothes I've bought that don't fit yet size 24 velvet skinny trousers (UK 4, US 0) my arse is too big but they fit on the legs.

Anyway...it is like a history of my weight fluctuations and I don't know what sizes to leave at home and what to take consequently I have 4 pairs of jeans and a lot of leggings to wear with oversized jumpers. It will be winter after all.

I had my last driving lesson today, in a way that has been a bit like therapy. Two hours a week to gossip with a lovely lady or just chat about whatever.

I don't know what else to say...oh I'm getting this computer which is good :)

Monday, 12 September 2011

Firstly, thank you all for your lovely comments <3

I called the people who fund my computer this morning, got really upset with the secretary who was being all "there isn't a problem" so I hung up and burst into tears. Then my Dad called them and spoke to the manager and they are going to sort it out and call back. Phew. Basically when I you get assessed as to what support you need at uni anything that costs money they have to get three quotes for, then they send the report and quotes to Student Finance (who pay the money) and they choose the cheapest however my cheapest quote was cheaper because it didn't meet the specification the assessment said I needed.

But mainly I was going to write about my lovely weekend with Lissy and then Lily. We spent a lot of time looking for PJ's which I'm sure Lissy will be overjoyed to know I did find! New Look warm long bottoms in pink with the odd strain of glitter but they are a size 6 so they don't fall down in the night! And a pair of H&M kids Hareem leggings which are so comfortable I haven't got dressed this morning...

It was just lovely to see people I'm so relaxed around. To the extent that I don't think either of them have seen my tic!

Also Lissy and I decided that Lily C. is one of THE best people in the world <3

Jobs for the week
  1. Sort out computer shizz
  2. Set up student bank account
  3. Finish making rucksack
I feel like there are other important things but they are the ones I can think of at the moment... I'm going to make my Dad come with me to the bank today though. I think I'm generally not dealing with thing very well, like yesterday I had to get my train home from a different station which I'd never been to before and I got really upset and confused, then this morning with the secretary and I'm tic-ing more and generally I think I'm just a tad stressed...

Friday, 9 September 2011

So pissed off. My brother told me to 'calm down' I was tic-ing. I (FUNNILY ENOUGH) can't control that. I'm stressed out because I've been funded for a shit computer that doesn't have enough RAM for what I need to use it for. For the £269 the company (which gets things cheaper) is spending, I could walk into PCWorld and get a better one.
Oh and I'm meant to run mind map on it...it has a 15 inch screen. What is the effing point in giving me expensive programmes so I can visualise things when the screen is too small to use them properly???

My mum comes home, I try to tell her, she walks off halfway through me talking. I want to cry and scream and say I won't eat dinner. I've binged and I feel full and I JUST WANT THEM ALL TO PISS OFF!

Oh and I can't talk to anyone about it because people just think "oh well you get a free computer!"




WHY DOES MY DAD HAVE TO SPEAK SO LOUDLY???
I made another video

But as a little update from that... I feel kinda lost. I want to write to her, but I don't even have anything to say. For the last two years I have had someone to talk to, I haven't told her everything but I have opened up about feelings around being raped. At some point I will probably be having therapy again and I don't want all that work to be lost, to have to open up to yet another person. I don't know what the best way to pass on that information is. Maybe I should request my CAMHS notes, that way I can give any new therapist a summary of them? I don't know. I really want my Priory notes too but I have to write to the Priory Group for them. I think I have until I'm 26 as I think they have to keep them for 8 years after you turn 18 if you were a child when you were treated.

I might go and have a google.

I had passport photos done yesterday, I look about 12.

Monday, 5 September 2011

Why do we like to be hungry?

Calmed down a tad since yesterday!

Today I had a whole list of things I was going to do and I don't think I've done any of them... I want to go into the city but I don't want to get the bus :/ I want to go swimming but I can't be bothered at the same time.

I have £30 or Cath Kidston vouchers to spend and I'm trying to decide what to get. Things I need for university are:

  1. Box files/ something to store papers in
  2. White board
  3. Notebooks
  4. Laundry airer/ drying rack
  5. Washing detergent and stain remover
  6. Washing up sponges


Okay...bored of listing things because there are loads of things I need or want. Like all my books for instance, mainly I'm going to try and buy them during freshers week when they are being sold more cheaply (used copies) but I want to get my Statistics book before terms starts because it is the module I'm most worried about. I have however lost my reading list...

I haven't eaten anything today and I'm still not hungry. I haven't been hungry now for 2 and a half weeks because I've been eating so regularly and much. I really miss being hungry, I like being hungry.

Oh and I got the menus for my first term...pretty much going to eat from the salad bar and soup of the day. Not even because of calories but I just don't like/ can't eat (lactose intolerant)/ don't know what most of the food is! The carbs for every meal is chips/jacket potato as the two options. Oh and they put gravy in the vegetable options box :S slightly concerned!

I do really like knowing exactly what there is for each meal though, so I can plan it all out. I'm planning on maintaining/ losing at a much slower rate at university.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

ARRRGH! We go on holiday and people listen to me, we have conversations and it is gentle and easy. We come home, my older brother is here he talks all the time, I can't get a word in. No one thinks I know anything. He talks in this oh so knowledgable way whilst gesticulating with his wine glass. He bullshits all the time. He is friends with MY friends. He talks SO loudly.

When I come home in the holidays they will say how nice it was without me, or if they don't say that they will say things like they "aren't used" to having me home when they forget to ask me things, forget to talk to me.

Bitchyrantpost

I have loads of video editing to do from when I was away. I don't know whether to just post them here or to post them here and youtube. I like youtube but I'm feeling quite traceable there. hmm. Though looking at my stats no one has clicked from my youtube to here. However 19 people have come here from gothise? I have no idea what this is!

Mainly I'm blogging because I'm mildly annoyed with someone. So basically... if you are a healthy weight you can exercise in a healthy way. Even in hospital once you reach 80% of your target weight or in some places as soon as you comply with the rules you are allowed to exercise. SO person I'm annoyed at, swimming an hour a day or even cycling on a stationary bike for "a marathon" is okay. People NORMAL people exercise because they feel large or want to burn calories all the time! And they are NORMAL. ARGH. And you have the nerve to say you're worried you might trigger people, yeah you might trigger them by making a mockery of what AN ACTUAL EATING DISORDER IS.