Monday, 31 October 2011

Halloween/ Photos post



This is the back of me, as a zombie-thing attacking my friend. I thought the bloody bandages on the arms were a nice ironic touch :P (it is food dye btw!)


This is a picture of me and my friend but I cut her off because I'm guessing she doesn't want her face on a random blog. It is my facebook photo at the moment but I think I look chubby.


This is from 2 weeks ago...I was hiding behind my friend's bed. Oh and just to clarify I have a one shoulder dress on (covers the bad arm) I'm not half naked as some of my friends were suggesting from the photo!

401

This is my four hundred and first post. I went to my lecture 9-10 this morning, I should do some work now because I need to go out again in an hour but...I can't be bothered. My head feels all cloudy and slow.
This is a a bit of a pointless blog, but I don't think anyone is reading anyway so oh well.

I'm worried about Lissy. Like a lot. I'll still be worried when she is in day patient but less so, I just really want her to go to it and let them take care of her even if it means she ends up an IP. There are very few people I really really care about but she is one of them. I'm so scared she is going to do something bad to herself. Or it is going to take until she has a heart attack for her to realise she is digesting her own body. I don't want her to die.

Sunday, 30 October 2011

I was going to do a post about the halloween party I went to last night but my friend hasn't put up any of the photos and I wanted to include a couple.
So instead I'm going to write about how much my chest hurts, the left side feels tight and cramping. I've been eating, I've been taking my medication. It shouldn't be like this.
I'm also having serious bowel issues, I think I have IBS. I keep meaning to make a doctor's appointment to check it isn't anything worse but...the past week kinda distrated me.

I OD'd last Monday by the way. I didn't outright say before because I hadn't told Lissy (and wasn't going to, but I'm crap at lying).

There is another halloween thing tomorrow which I want to go to but I don't have a ticket! They've sold out online but I really don't want to queue for one tomorrow because the people I'm going with have tickets :/

My chest is really tight :(

Oh and pretty much all the girls I live with now know I used to have anorexia...and that I was in hospital and stuff, they don't know so much about the more psycho stuff but yeah. Oh and the med student I live with was raped (like 6 months ago) so we talked about that a bit cos of my stuff, so she knows about that too now.

Saturday, 29 October 2011

It is 7am which is annoying because I've been awake since 5. I woke up cold and hungry. I planned on doing essay this morning then going shopping for a halloween costume. I think we're going out for halloween tonight, only I don't have a ticket so I'll have to get one at the door...this means queing. I hope it doesn't rain.
I'm hungry, lying in bed it feels like I'm at sea.
Yeah, anyway because I'm awake but still tired I'll fall asleep again in a bit then wake up at 11 or something and probably not do any of my essay.
I don't know why I'm so hungry. I had fish, chips and peas for dinner then a pack of rice noodles last night.

Anyone want to evaluate the Gestalt laws of perceptual organisation for me?

Friday, 28 October 2011

Feeling a bit less melodramatic today. I went to both my lectures, went the library inbetween. I want to get all bar the finishing touches of my essay done this weekend.
I've hurt my knee but I don't know how, I'm waiting for some water to freeze so I can put ice on it. On the other leg I've strained my calf. Actually it is probably from wearing (ancient) heels last night.
I talked a lot of crap at dinner last night.
I haven't got in touch with Claire about her not giving me an appointment. It'll work out.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

I emailed the psych nurse/support worker at 2am this morning saying:

I don't know if I want to see psychology... they're probably going to offer me 8 or 12 appointments. Which isn't going to fix anything and I don't really know if I have the energy to do the whole "What do you want to get from this?" thing. Them being awkward. Me telling them stuff, them thinking disclosure is the conclusion rather than the introduction. Them wanting to do this super structured thing with me saying how much better I feel each week. Therapy homework. I'm just a bit sick of it.

I don't think the crisis team would help either, I wouldn't call them. I don't really do phones very well.

No one has ever talked to me about everything. Everyone I've seen has focused on something specific, usually that they think I'm clever and if I can just get out of hospital/ to college/ to university then everything will be fine. But it isn't, so what is it now; if I can just graduate, have children, turn 20, 30, 40, 50? I'm not going to reach an epiphany one day or move house and things just be fine.

I don't really know what to do. I want to stop thinking about everything but no one is actually going to be able to stop that. (I would probably scream at the person who mentions meditation because I've tried it and it makes it worse. Empty everything else out and all that is left is the stuff I least want to be thinking about. And in those guided things my mind likes to add things which make it more like a nightmare than a peaceful dream, and I don't know how to stop that.)


She replied:

I think it is totally understandable that you are being careful about what next and we can take this at your pace. We will not push a referral on you until and unless you are ok with it. Can things change and improve - yes. I know you are feeling hopeless at the moment but my experience tells me things can change very much and when we meet next week I will tell you why.



(She didn't give me another appointment though and clearly she needs a whole week to think up a reason why things can change meaning she needs to make up a reason). Given I don't have an appointment and she is really busy she isn't giong to notice that she hasn't seen me.


I have a formal dinner tonight in my Hall :/ I have to sit on high table. I'm really scared. Partly because the people sitting on High Table meet with the warden for drinks in the senior common room, then we drink during the meal and then we drink in the SCR again after and then I think we're meant to be going on the Hall Social.
I don't have the energy.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

I'm kind of realising that I'm going mad. Or that I was never sane. Realising I don't know who I am because all I have are these peices of paper assessing me and hundreds of pages of diaries and poems and letters. And I don't know who I am.
She said to tell her if things get worse. Told me when she'll be in her office. Said she can refer me to the crisis team, that I just have to say.
It seems a bit crazy, a bit much, a bit sudden.

I don't know what I weigh. naked. I weigh 120 in my coat and clothes and boots.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

When it is 2am Wednesday and you already know it is a bad week

So, Lissy came this weekend which was lovely to see someone from real life (aka not uni life). I got ill on Sunday, I'm still kinda ill now. Monday was a complete disaster of a day.
I'm seeing the psych nurse tomorrow. I don't know what she is going to say about referrals and stuff.

The girl next door (and her friends) are being really loud and it is like...2:40am

My sleep pattern is screwed because of being ill.

I didn't weigh myself on Monday. I don't know what I weigh right now. One of the guys used me and a girl I live with as weights for squats earlier. He guessed my weight at 45kg (99lbs) I wish...I really fucking wish. That would make my BMI 16.8.

I hope I've lost weight from being ill. I haven't done any exercise though, I don't think vomiting actually works your abs in any real way...otherwise all bulimics would be ripped right?

That was another joy of Monday.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

4%

I haven't made this week's video yet, I might make it with Lissy whilst she is here...
I pretty much binged all day today.

Chocolate (242)
hot chocolate (150)
cookie (250)
bran flakes (200)
paella (370)
garlic flat bread (300)
bran flakes (200)
mocha (120)
smoothie (120)

And I probably ate some other stuff I just can't remember. It is like 99% carbs and fat. I haven't done any exercise either.

Lissy arrives tomorrow afternoon. I need to do my laundry before my 2pm lecture, I have about 2 loads. Luckily I have change for the machines.

I bought my water polo team costume today (ahhhh!) I didn't know what size to get so I got a 28" because that is my under bust ish so I dunno what I'm going to do if it doesn't fit (you order online). Hopefully it comes before the end of the month because we have a match on 31st (Probably going to miss Halloween :( ) I think it is at Warwick and I have a friend there so maybe she'll come and watch? I dunno.

I just had a lovely bitchy gossip with my neighbour about a housemate who is annoying me. So that relieved some stress.

My election speech/ question time went fine :) there isn't anyone running against me and the only guy running for the male welfare rep seems pretty good :) so hopefully we'll work well together. I saw the psych nurse yesterday, she was a bit worried about me running for it, but thought I'd be good if I got the role just possibly take on too much. She is going to talk to the counselling service tomorrow and see what kind of thing they could offer me (she knows I HATE it when the therapist doesn't really talk) if they can't do the right thing then she is going to refer me to a psychologist. For now the GP will be in charge of the weight side of things but if things go bad then they can do a fast ED referral.

I'm 33.3% of the way through my first term and 13% of the way through my first year so 4% of the way through my degree :P



Monday, 17 October 2011

I did cut last night, I really didn't think I would but I did. Not badly compared to what I use to do but still :/
Today was kinda better, I had a lecture then the girl whose uncle died wasn't doing to well and was also really ill so I made her a GP appointment and we went there and they gave her a letter so she can go home if she wants to/ her department can't moan at her at all. Then we had lunch (salad) and then I went to an info session on running for the JCR (Junior Common Room) and then...I chilled until my 4-6pm lecture.
Then this evening I went to a cake and wine session with water polo girls which was good...though I did eat too much and I always come away analysing what I've said etc.
Anyway, yeh. Tomorrow I'm planning on swimming in the morning then I have a lecture 1-2pm then doing reading for that, then my lecture 4-5pm. I also need to write my speech and design campaign posters ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Sunday, 16 October 2011

I seriously can't cope with anyone else's shit. I don't mean on here, I can deal with everything on here, I can deal with Lissy because I really really care about her.
I can't deal with one girls uncle dying and then another being upset because a guy she used ot go out with won't come and stay at uni. Oh and then I get judged because I lied to a guy to stop him hanging around our block WHERE NO ONE WANTED HIM. But it is me they are judging, pointing out other things I could have said. I can't deal with this.
Why am I running for welfare??!! I'm the one crying wanting to cut (not going to), knowing my weight in the morning will rule the rest of my WEEK, thinking about what food I can skip tomorrow. Yet I'm volunteering to be elected to look after OTHER PEOPLE.
I am running for female welfare of my hall...nominations close tomorrow, campaigns and hustings start on Wednesday...polls are open Monday and Tuesday next week.
Which means Lissy may have to put up with me campaigning at the weekend...hadn't thought of this.
Oh...and I have to write a speech for hustings obviously :S so I need to try and not speak too fast..

Drunken friends and such

Last night we had our cheese and wine party, I had a lot of crackers and one small glass of red. I threw up dinner though...
Anyway so it was quite good. Then some of the others got in from this thing called a rag raid which is where you dress up, go to a city and shake tins at the public to raise money. Then on the bus back you drink A LOT and there are loads of games and forfits for doing ANYTHING so everyone just ends up vomiting everywhere and literally pissing where they are sitting.
So last night a girl I live with got so drunk she walked home in her underwear from the bus drop off point, completely drunk. So I looked after her, and she is lovely so I don't mind. I just am so angry at the organisers for letting her do that. I don't care if she is an 'adult' she is 18 and they were literally pouring it down her throat and she was frozen.

So I'm thinking about running for welfare rep for my hall but the applications close at 9am tomorrow...and I'm hardly the best person for it given the amount of proffesionals I see, and what if I get really skinny??? What if I DON'T get really skinny?!?!?!?!?

Anyway...basically not going to, though morally I think I should.

Saturday, 15 October 2011

I've gained 3lbs since Monday even though I've been eating LESS except for yesterday when I ate dinner and then chips.
Now in my spreadsheet I'll end up a higher weight by the end of term...but I can change that obviously. Hopefully I'll be back down by Monday because I think I'm retaining water from alcohol last night. We went to a beer festival at the Castle and there were a lot of microbreweries so the alcohol content was quite high. I had some mead which was like 16% so yeah...probably retaining water.
I was going to go swimming today but I haven't, the pool is open until 5pm but I am so so so tired and I need to do some reading and tidy my room.
Tomorrow I don't know what I'm going to do but I have water polo at 4pm. Then on Monday it all starts again.
I need to photocopy my home psych discharge letter for the psych nurse here. I'm seeing her on Wednesday but she wanted the letter in advance so I need to drop that off on Monday.

Tonight my block (16ish of us) are having a cheese and wine party... the guys organised it. I can't eat cheese (lactose intolerant) and I don't really want to have alcohol...so this is great.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

vlog for this week

videooooooo
Today I have a biomed lecture 12-1pm and a computer lab 1-4pm so I'm going to have to run away from the lecture early to get the the lab because I'm possibly in the wrong group for that and I don't want to be left without a computer :/ there needs to be about 65 computers for it to be okay and there are alot but I don't know how many...
I made a spreadsheet of my weighloss by week and therefore my projected weight for future weeks. I weigh myself on Mondays.
Sorry this is a bit blergh boring...
I went to the cinema yesterday, we saw Johnny English: Reborn which was okay or good, I don't know. The chairs were comfy.

Oh and I'm probably going to Amsterdam in November with two of the aussies I live with and hopefully another person (who we need to find) OH SHIT PASSPORT...I really need to send off for my passport like TODAY now...dammitdammmitdammit.

Monday, 10 October 2011

binging

Just sitting here..binging. Today I've eaten a packet and a half of bourbon creams (chocolate biscuits), 3 mini boxes of cereal and a soya yoghurt OUTSIDE OF MEALS.

I have 9 days until my next psych nurse appointment, I want to lose 2kgs by then. So yeah this is one of those binges before major restriction.

I just watched the film 'Bridesmaids' with 3 of the girls I live it. This is a COMEDY and I'm sitting there laughing along with them yet at the same time thinking about cutting and getting razor blades. Y'know 100% normal.

I want to take laxatives but I have a 10am with my personal tutor.

I need to take my meds.

tralalala

So I went to this appointment. She hadn't got the paperwork from the GP who referred me so I burst into tears and almost walked out. But I came back and sat down and calmed down. And just did a very condensed summary of the last 5 years.
I'm seeing her next Wednesday at 10am. We're going to go through all the services and decide which would be best for me and also which ones are actually good around here. She works for the university which means she can be really honest about which services are good and which aren't.
She doesn't think b-eat would be useful for me, which I completely agree on. It is a peer support group and not run by any professionals and I just think I'd use the whole time as 'thinspiration'. She is however very aware that weight is a problem and something they need to keep a close eye on (so you can stop worrying Lissy!).
Erm yep...going to choir now xxx
This is the first day I've felt really fat at university which given I've been here 2 weeks now is pretty impressive. It is because I have the mental health nurse later, I don't want to talk about food but I do want to talk about food. I've maintained my weight the past two weeks pretty much. I can lose 5lbs before I'm underweight. But I look like I'd have to lose a lot more.
I went to my 9am lecture on perception. I have a lecture 1-2pm on addiction which I don't think I'm going to go to. I don't know.
My first essay is due in 4 weeks. We'll have done all the lectures on Perception and Attention so of the 5 essay titles to choose from we can only choose two...maybe only one. I don't actually understand the essay titles. Yay.
I think I'm going to so "Describe and evaluate the Gestalt laws of perceptual organisation". 1500 words.
I'm going to do some reading for it now because I think it is probably going to take about 4 weeks to write! I haven't written an essay in 18 months.

Sunday, 9 October 2011

I want to just sleep.

9-10 Perception lecture
1-2 Addiction lecture
3pm Psych nurse appointment
4pm Sell ticket to guy in common room (I don't have the energy to party)
4-6pm Biomed lecture

I don't know what to say to the nurse. I need to make a list like Lissy said, like I always tell people to do. This is the first new psych person I have seen in exactly 2 years.

I have no energy. It is 8pm and I'm going to sleep after I've written the list.

My fridge is being really noisy.

I have an individual tutorial on Tuesday at 10am. I don't know what to say.

Saturday, 8 October 2011

I'm not ready

Erm well it didn't go so well...there were various reasons. I left and cried and he walked me to the bus. It wasn't him specifically more that I got really really down and started thinking rubbish.
So then I came back and hung out with my flat which was lovely and I realised how much I really really like them.
It is okay between me and the guy, I vaguely explained what was going on in my head and he was nice and said it didn't seem like the right time for a relationship which is true.
I don't want all this shit in the way. I've had 2 coffees, 2 brandy snaps and about 400 calories of cereal this evening (and I haven't had anything else). It was too easy.
I'm going ice skating tomorrow.

Thank you for your lovely comments xxx

I'm not normal

I'm still going to this guys flat this afternoon...I don't think I even like him? I don't know why I'm going. I don't know how to say I'm not, I feel like I have to. Even now (having only met him twice) I'm thinking I'll just go out with him until the end of term or until he dumps me... even though we aren't 'going out'.
I'm not eating until dinner tonight.

Friday, 7 October 2011

I met a guy on Wednesday night. I went to the swim social but got converted by the water polo team. I'm still going to go swimming but the water polo people are really nice. So this is where I met the guy... I like him but I don't really know him which is odd for me. I stayed at his after the social but unlike the banter going on in my block: no we did not 'do' anything.

...However, I'm going to his on Saturday afternoon and I don't know what is going to happen. It is all good, I think.

Last night I went to water polo training and then swimming straight after which KILLED ME!

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Video Time!

J'ai fait une autre vidéo pour votre divertissement, n'hésitez pas à mourir d'ennui durant celle-ci!

Monday, 3 October 2011

Monday starts at 9am

Seeing the GP was fine, she did my blood pressure but when I said I didn't want to be weighed she said she wasn't going to argue with me over it so it was fine not to be. I showed her my discharge letter and stuff and she was really nice. I've been referred to the mental health nurse who can then pass me on to the rest of the MH team if need be.
I had a 9am lecture today, then I went to the library to get two massive books, then I had the doctor and now I'm back here and I have an hour until my next lecture and I just want to sleep even though I need to leave in 40 minutes to walk there and I should get lunch too... then I have a 2 hour break until biomed lecture 4-6pm.
I had breakfast with people, I dunno the calories but branflakes with soya milk and a coffee with soya milk so 150? And I had a 30 calorie marshmallow so 180 so far. I might do some soup? I was going to get soup from the cafe but I have to walk over there...
Swimming starts tomorrow :S and the team is going out Wednesday night so I need the energy for that. Luckily this semester I have no classes on Wednesdays so I can catch up on sleep from lectures and training!

I didn't go to bed until gone midnight yesterday but I got woken up at 2am by people coming back from the last freshers event then I had to get up at 7:30. These lectures better well be interesting.


Sorry I haven't been commenting recently, a lot of the time I just don't know what to say :/

Sunday, 2 October 2011

It'll be okay?

Hey, I think I had a pretty nice day? I know it seems odd not to know but everything is so new nothing feels REALLY enjoyable.
We had brunch but the only thing I could eat was cereal with soya milk and a coffee. Everyone else was having pastries but they have dairy in them - pretty awesome excuse to avoid them!

Then I went into town with 3 girls and we went shopping and wandering, 2 of them left earlier and then K and I wandered for longer and came back after getting my starbucks hit ;)

I got a pair of corduroy shorts in Primark (super cheap clothes shop) but I might dye them a different colour as they are an odd brown at the moment. I also got a little embroidered waistcoat (vest) for £2 in the sale!!!

We came back and it was dinner time (it is 5-6pm on weekends, super early). It was a massive roast and no one cleared their plates so I didn't look too odd.
Then we went to one of the other halls for some music but it was mainly awful so we came back and I watched some a film with the others but now I'm blogging. During the film I had 450cals of doritos and 5 custard creams (300 calories).
I'm looking forward to getting into a routine tomorrow when lectures start properly and the days are fuller. Also I start swimming on Tuesday...I really hope I like it :S I've never done proper team training before.

At 11.10am tomorrow I have a 20 minute doctors appointment so double the normal length for a GP appointment. I'm quite nervous...I need to remember to take my discharge paper work with me from my psych. I don't know what to say to her. I feel huge and I've binged and not purged and I keep seeing anorexics on campus (so far 3 really severe) and I just am a normal weight. I think I might even be more than I was last Wednesday when I filled in the form about my weight. I don't know what to do.

Oh and I've arranged to meet people for breakfast at 8am so that was dumb because then I'll kinda have to eat before possibly being weighed. I think I'll just say I'm feeling nervous-sick before my first lecture.

Oh god. What if they say I can't see anyone? Like not for anything??? Shit I hate this.

Sorry this is not a happy blog, I AM happy here, I love the people I live with, it could be so much worse and I'm really lucky that we have nice guys living with us and non bitchy girls. TBH I'm just lucky to have a place at a uni.

It'll be okay. It'll be okay.

A blog post

I don't really have anything to post about...my stomach really hurts, I think from eating different food? I don't know.
Today I'm having brunch then a crowd of us are going into the city, I think there will be quite a few of us so I'm not sure how the dynamics of that will work exactly.

I really want a Starbucks: Tall coffee light frapp with soy.

I'm going to weigh myself in a bit, I had lost weight on Friday but I don't know now. I feel like Alice in Wonderland, growing and shrinking.

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Hey sorry, anyone who has asked me something recently by text/blog/facebook. My internet here is horrifically slow to the extent you can only work one tab at a time. I might go and see if it is better in the library later today.
Lecture: It was fine, it was only about 45 minutes and was essentially the first part of AS Biology (age 16!) so that was fine. It does get harder and all the biology is linked to pharmacology so I find it more interesting :) I have 4 hours on Monday starting 9 til 6pm (obviously with gaps!). I have Cognitive Psychology, Psychology of Addiction and a double Biomed on...action potentials and electrical activity which is like A2 Biology (age 17) so all okay I think. Except. grrr. I changed lab groups because the biomed lactures were meant to be 2-3pm Thursday but they are 12-1pm Thursday so now I need to pretend I didn't change lab groups :S our labs are computer based in first year (for psychology) so hopefully there will be space...
I went to a UV 'rave' party last night in a massive marquee. It was a silent disco which is where you have headphones on for the music and you can change between the two DJ's IT WAS SO GOOD. I have never been that relaxed in a club atmosphere. I dunno if the dancing counteracted the double vodka lemonade and 3 vodka sugary drinks...5.3 units and a tonne of sugar :/ I did dance for 4 hours solid though. My legs ache so much this evening because my legs and feet swelled up 'cause of my crappy circulation.
Brunch opens in a bit (we get it on weekends instead of breakfast and lunch) there is cooked stuff or jacket potatoes but I'm not hungry :/
Yesterday I felt really shit after I saw my Advisor...I didn't know we only had 30 minutes and I talked too much so she didn't have time to do my sports centre referral (so I get it half price). I was thinking about OD'ing and everything so I'd have someone to talk to, but I'm getting referred on Monday so I KNOW there was no point. I came back to hall and hung out with people and felt better though.

Lissy I miss you xxx