I emailed the psych nurse/support worker at 2am this morning saying:
I don't know if I want to see psychology... they're probably going to offer me 8 or 12 appointments. Which isn't going to fix anything and I don't really know if I have the energy to do the whole "What do you want to get from this?" thing. Them being awkward. Me telling them stuff, them thinking disclosure is the conclusion rather than the introduction. Them wanting to do this super structured thing with me saying how much better I feel each week. Therapy homework. I'm just a bit sick of it.
I don't think the crisis team would help either, I wouldn't call them. I don't really do phones very well.
No one has ever talked to me about everything. Everyone I've seen has focused on something specific, usually that they think I'm clever and if I can just get out of hospital/ to college/ to university then everything will be fine. But it isn't, so what is it now; if I can just graduate, have children, turn 20, 30, 40, 50? I'm not going to reach an epiphany one day or move house and things just be fine.
I don't really know what to do. I want to stop thinking about everything but no one is actually going to be able to stop that. (I would probably scream at the person who mentions meditation because I've tried it and it makes it worse. Empty everything else out and all that is left is the stuff I least want to be thinking about. And in those guided things my mind likes to add things which make it more like a nightmare than a peaceful dream, and I don't know how to stop that.)
I think it is totally understandable that you are being careful about what next and we can take this at your pace. We will not push a referral on you until and unless you are ok with it. Can things change and improve - yes. I know you are feeling hopeless at the moment but my experience tells me things can change very much and when we meet next week I will tell you why.
(She didn't give me another appointment though and clearly she needs a whole week to think up a reason why things can change meaning she needs to make up a reason). Given I don't have an appointment and she is really busy she isn't giong to notice that she hasn't seen me.
I have a formal dinner tonight in my Hall :/ I have to sit on high table. I'm really scared. Partly because the people sitting on High Table meet with the warden for drinks in the senior common room, then we drink during the meal and then we drink in the SCR again after and then I think we're meant to be going on the Hall Social.
I don't have the energy.