Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Hello, feeling slightly more alive :)

So yesterday I got up and went to this one off yoga class (It is 'healthy u' week at my uni). It was not as good as I was expecting...it was in a freezing cold sports hall when they could have done it in the aerobics studio or the dance studio. The mats were proper yoga mats but I have bruises from laying on them and I do actually have body fat so I doubt anyone else was that comfortable either. Then the teacher was bloody wierd! Firstly she said "right so no one has any mental health problems and no one has any health problems?" and I was just like whatthehell?! Why would someone put their hand up in a class of strangers and be like "oh yeah, I have x, y and z". Then she went on about how she specialises in mental health and is now learning how to do yoga teaching for cancer patients. We did some breathing, one triangle pose, cat and child. Literally IT in an hour and a half!? We had to stare at the word JOY for ages and she rambled a lot about how she had mental health problems when she was a student. Then she got us to see which nostril was stronger when we breathed out through our noses. If it was the left then it meant something and if it was the right then it meant something. In genuine confusion I said "I have a blocked nose". Honestly it was just WIERD. Oh and FREEZING.
Then I came back and spent the next 4 hours in bed trying to warm up, had a shower, chatted to my neighbour then we went to dinner where there wasn't any food I could eat (all covered in dairy products).
I went to Choir where I sucked because I seem to have failed to learn carols in the past 19 years of my life and the whole blocked nose thing didn't help. Realised I can't go next week so just going to avoid the stupid concert. I think the woman thinks I'm lying when I email her saying I'm ill/ in hospital it has happened a few times now.
Erm. This evening I have the meeting with my warden about going to hospital and other matters...I don't know what to tell him. I guess I'll just have to see how much he asks. If he just asks if I'm feeling better then it is fine but if he asks details I don't know how to tell him.
Claire thinks she knows the guy I'm probably going to be seeing at ED services. He is probably going to see me at the university but I'm not sure. I'm seeing Claire tomorrow at 3pm and then Dr Connor at 2.40pm then my train to LISSY'S is at 3.34pm hmm...I think I might need to change my appointment time :/ he normally runs late and it is a 20 minute appointment plus another 35 minutes to get to the train station :/ I should call them.

Monday, 28 November 2011

Additionally, I'm sorry I'm not replying to everyone's blogs...


I went and saw Claire (support worker) it was a pre-arranged thing with her and a woman called Carol. Carol I met in my first week of uni, she is in charge of the mentoring and stuff. I had a crap mentor so stopped seeing her and haven't seen Carol since. Anyway, Claire and I had already made notes about what kind of a mentor I wanted (e.g. female, any age, understands mental health, pro active). I came in, added that I wanted it to be a set time each week and then said I really couldn't do it today. Went downstairs to the doctor's bit and waited about 30mins for my appointment because they were running late. This gave me a chance to catch up on texting people I have been useless at replying to the past 5 days or so.
I saw the Doctor - Dr Connor (this is the 3rd time I've met him) and it was actually really good, he said the way things had been handled when I went to the hospital hadn't been great. Then we talked a bit about more positive things like JCR and welfare rep stuff.

When I got back I had an invitation to Christmas formal dinner which is next Tuesday... and a memo about a meeting with the Hall Warden (kinda like the headteacher of my hall or like a houseparent at boarding school, except we're adults so they don't tell us when to go to bed!) to talk about my 'recent visit to hospital and other matters'. :S slightly scared but at the same time he is quite a nice guy so I'm not too worried. I think it is mainly to talk about the Hall stuff given I'm welfare rep and he meant to arrange a meeting with me the other week and him being told I was in hospital has probably just reminded him of that. Anyway that is on Wednesday evening.

Tomorrow I'm going to this yoga class at 10.30 with my neighbour. I don't know if I'm going to go to my lectures...I have a lecture at 1pm followed by tutorial at 2pm. I need to sort out an extension and fill in an extenuating circumstance form.... yay.

Also desperee de magrir I don't have you're email...(I don't think?) mine is eloiseonthewater@ gmail . com obviously without all the gaps.

xxx

Back from being crazy

Okay, so Saturday I went back to hospital because I was still vomiting. Basically the people who run my uni accomodation said I had to go. I took my friend (she lives across the hallway). I kinda told her a bit of an outline i.e. it was an OD. Then when the nurse was talking to me she found out everything else.

They couldn't get any blood out so they had to admit me so a doctor could decide whether to do a central line or not.

So we went up to the ward, they did my blood pressure and blood sugar and stuff. They didn't actually have a go because they could see I was vomiting even the water they were giving me and it wasn't deliberatly!
Got asked loads of questions, freaked out because it was a male doctor and I couldn't understand his accent. The nurses were LOVELY seriously, so so so nice. I got my period and that made me freak out because it was my first proper one i.e. not just the odd spot of blood. Anyway so I was super embarrassed cos I didn't have anything with me and they got me stuff and were really nice about it.
My friend left about 11pm (!) she has been AMAZING and I feel guilty cos she found out about me being crazy in detail all in a very short space of time and saw me get really upset.
Then at 1am I was thinking about stuff and the nurse came and talked to me again and got me some magazines but they both had headlines on the front about rape, most notibly "I was RAPED by my good samaritan" so I had another meltdown. Luckily the bay only had 3 patients at the time (can have 12) so she actually had time to talk. She did a psych referral. I slept for an hour.
Then the day staff came on and one was really nice but mainly it was care assisstants who were really loud and like screaming "breakfast time!!!" at me.
About 10am the psych person came and spoke to me and they were going to discharge me when I started crying again (I don't even know why) and then cos I couldn't stop crying she said she was going to refer me to crisis team. We had just spoken about it but decided not to. Anyway I cried for about 2 hours. Then slept, then stared in to space. Then about 3.30pm the crisis team (two women) came and saw me, it was all fine. Basically decided they couldn't help me but they would talk to Claire (who I seem at the moment at uni) about more long term support because I wasn't going to be better in 4-6 weeks. Then they were going round in circles a bit repeating themselves so I said that and we started finishing up. One woman said to the other that she didn't have a card to give me. I said I was bad on phones anyway so not to worry then one of them said I was an adult now and had to take responsibility for myself and make the right choices blabhalh. So I left because the day I turned 18 my problems (unfortunatly) didn't just disappear, I am trying to look after myself. I go to my appointments, I went to A&E, I went back to hospital because people were worried, I stayed in hospital, I talked to people.

Anyway, I left, cried on a bench for a bit then came back to uni. The nurse called me to check I was okay and that I would go and see Claire this week and that the doctor had already taken out all my lines.

Came back, tried to eat dinner but it was gross, went to bed, woke up this morning, went to lunch, had like a FOUR HUNDRED calorie lunch and then in an hour I've got an appointment with Claire and then an appointment with the GP.

Oh and I lost just over 2kg since Thursday-ish. Not that that is something I want to be congratualted on because it is fucked up and overdosing isn't a method of dieting.

OH and someone thought my hospital bracelet thing was from a club entry...yep WILD party.

Friday, 25 November 2011

Yeah the doctors said I was okay, just still throwing up and feeling lousy.
I don't know what to do. So yesterday I OD'd and I told Lissy and now she is worse but I don't know if she was worse already and she wants to die even more. But I don't know what to do about it.
And I told Lily so then she had to deal with both of us which was just unfair.

Claire (support worker) was really lovely and took me to a&e and stayed for about an hour. I must have a superhuman regenerating liver because when I've taken the amount I did in the past I was on a drip for 3 days...not this time.

Had to talk to a woman called Gwyneth but Claire had already spoken to her so it wasn't too bad she just confirmed everything Claire had said was correct and that was it.

I came home, spent all night throwing up. I ate some breakfast in the hope it might stop me throwing up more...feeling more sick now though :(

I have an appointment with Claire at 12. I talked so much crap to her yesterday.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Sorry I keep repeating myself in blogs.

Love you guys :)

RAAAAAMBLE

Hmm so I've decided to quit water polo and that means I'm less stressed out because of stuff. I'm going to try a gym class at the weekend maybe and I'm going to yoga and maybe aerobics taster classes next week. Also I emailed Claire about everything I was stressed about and she said she has some things in mind which might help.

...(went to the common room with friends)...

Anyway, so compared to how I felt yesterday of 'I have to OD tomorrow...' etc. I feel actually quite good?! I'm hoping I might sleep better (earlier) tonight. I have to get to my department for 10am to take part in some research then I have biomed at 12 then lab 2-5pm. I should spend the gap between research and biomed catching up on the notes from when I didn't go to biomed on Monday...

But yeh, not OD'ing. I really need to sort out food. I don't like where I am at the moment, I'm restricting in that I don't eat as much as everyone else but I still eat more than 500/day. I'd rather be normal or properly restricting so I'd lose weight. I actually have no idea what my weight is at the moment. No. Idea. I mean I know roughly just it could be anywhere in a 7lb range. I'm still in the same size clothing though. Size 8 uniqlo jeans are loose but stay up fine (like normal jeans). I'm a 6 in dresses. Or I just wear age 13 or 12-13, age 14 is too bit (H&M and Zara not supermarkets). Nothing has changed. I wanted to be a 6 in jeans for christmas, I can wear them but they are comfy or at all loose. I'm a 28 inch on my underbust (like ribs). Then about 25-26 on my waist? I don't actually know. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M TELLING YOU GUYS I'M JUST RAMBLING.


So I think I'm not going to OD

I went out this afternoon, to IKEA which was pretty good. It takes about an hour to get there so we only just got back and I'm really tired.
I haven't bought any tablets so I guess I'm not OD'ing. Also I have told one person that I'm not going to water polo anymore. I need to tell the Captain but I can just do that over facebook. It feels kinda realaxing. Claire said she had some ideas about things I could do instead.
I don't want to go to hospital and everything, I don't have to energy to deal with all their questions about why I have done things etc.
So I'm not going to...

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Heya, another late night post. 1am here.

Anyway...today I didn't do that much? I went to my 1pm lecture then did some work with the two other girls for the presentation. I need to type up the notes for that in a bit then email them to them. Then I came back to my room until choir at 7, I cycled there because I was going to go to waterpolo straight after and I didn't want to be late but I felt crappy so I came back to my room.

I talked to Lissy on the phone for an hour and twenty minutes. Partially just catching up but also working out my stupid head and the OD thoughts etc.

Basically I had OD thoughts last night, then at the beginning of choir I started thinking about getting really drunk so I could just pass out asleep. Then I started thinking about going to the water polo 'initiation' (drinks and gross stuff) I'd OD before I got there then drink then have to leave to go to hospital or just pass out. Which obviously is dumb as! But I jsut think stupid stuff basically.

So we talked about how maybe I should just quit water polo because it stressed me out and I find it really hard anyway because of my blood pressure/heart. We also decided it would be a good idea to email Claire about it all, and also ask her to help with a few beureaucratic problems. Like I'm owed £98 back on my gym membership and I need to claim almost £50 for my ink and paper...I have £4 in my account at the moment and I did have £40 cash but have lost a £20 note so now I have £20. I get more money on Tuesday, then the 9th december I get a bursary installment. It is okay, it just panics me not to have money. For the past 3 years I've always had savings and money to fall back on in emergencies. Now I don't for 7 days and I'm freaking out.

(I'm scared to go and claim the gym membership back incase they say no and I get upset and do something)

That girl from my course? She apologised to me for refusing my help and everything. Said it'd be nice to have a chat sometime. I don't know if we actually will though.

I haven't weighed myself, but I feel massive. I don't know if that is just because I've been wearing jeans and I don't normally wear trousers (means I don't have to look at the top of my thighs).

I'm going to IKEA with a girl I live with tomorrow afternoon. She is from the Isle of Man and her sister is pregnant so we're getting some things for the nursery given the island doesn't have an Ikea funnily enough :P I'm actually really looking forward to going, I love IKEA. We used to go when I was younger, then every week I came home on leave from one of the hospitals I was in we'd go there on the journey (it was a long way!). It is just somewhere I've always been with my parents so it feels kind of safe? I don't know. I'm just concerned I'll spend all my money I've got left! I don't even need anything and there are specific things I want on ebay... I need to check how much overdraft I have left :P that would be one solution!


CalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalmCalm

I feel horrible. I'm so tired, it is 11:20am so that is the morning gone. I didn't go out last night and it was partly because I am still ill from having milk at the weekend. But partly because I felt horrible in everything I put on. My stomach is less bloated today but my bum is still MASSIVE and that is just fat your butt doesn't get bloated!!! :P
I have a lecture at 1pm on emotion. Then I need to do some work with two other girls because we have a presentation together next Tuesday. Then I'm free until 6.30pm when I have to go to choir until 9pm. At 9.30pm I have waterpolo...I haven't been for two weeks so I'm going to be super unfit and suck and I'm worried I'm going to faint again. But if I decide I'm not going today I kinda should just quit properly? I don't know. I'm going to go because I might enjoy it. Sometimes when I didn't swim for a few days when I did I was better and faster.

I really should shower but the cleaner is here and I really don't like having to talk to her :/
In hospital there were cleaners but mainly we weren't in a situation where you spoke much to them because I wasn't allowed in my room during the day at some of the hospitals and other times I'd be in the school room or something. They were generally nice though, I guess the main difference is they just said hello or something rather than asking how we were (I mean would you ask a kid in a psych hospital how they are?!) so it was less awkward. Here not only does she chat but I can barely understand what she is saying...

I'm not seeing the doctor this week, I'm seeing him next Friday. I normally see Claire on Tuesday or Wednesday but this week I'm seeing her on Friday which is fine, I will be fine. But last night I kept getting stupid thoughts about OD'ing and I'm not going to, I just wish I didn't have to have the thoughts.

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Accoording to what she has told my friend she was in hospital a lot of last year. And she told me sha has had problems since she was 11. I've decided there is nothing else I can do. Her flatmates have already told the hall warden (head of accomodation) and asked them to do something but as far as I know they just came round to the flats handing out ed leaflets and counselling leaflets to everyone.
Her BMI is probably 19-21. I have kinda decided to wash my hands of it unless she approaches me with a different attitude.
Thanks for the comments, made me feel less insane!
Omg...currently wanting to bang my head against the wall. There is a girl on my degree who told everyone in her flat that she has anorexia (she is at a recovered weight). Her flatmates (one of whom is my friend) are REALLY worried about her. I messaged her because I've met a lot of the people she could talk to and they've all been really nice. She says she doesn't want help because she has been binging and wants to ed to lose the weight. [Surely it is the ED that caused her to binge]
Anyway, she know hates me. Yay for lectures. She says she knows everything about EDs so doesn't need me to tell her [Surely if she knew everything she WOULD hate her ED at least to some extent or in some aspects?]
I'm not saying she has to recover, I just think if she is going to talk to her flatmates about it it really isn't fair to do that but say 'I'm not going to get help though, so you just have to watch this' like she comes out and tells them she has thrown up and stuff. Which given none of them have had EDs before or even friend's with EDs is just a bit scary for them!
I don't tell people, I blog, I go to see Claire, I let myself be referred. ONE girl at uni knows it is a current issue and she is EDNOS verging on AN if her weight drops anymore.
If you want to keep it a secret fine, but to tell people who can't deal with it and refuse to tell people who can deal with it is (I think) unfair.

The weekend was kinda okay, I don't really have the energy to write about it...sorry. Someone put milk in my coffee and now I'm really bloated and have a horrible painful stomach :( seriously was not a fun 3hrs 40mins on the coach from London!

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Slept on a Cloud

Yesterday

I’m on the coach to London. There isn’t any internet so I’m writing this in word. I very very nearly missed the coach because the buses from campus kept being cancelled.I saw the doctor this morning. It actually went okay. He has referred me to the ED team, he dictated the letter to them in front of me to make sure he said the right things and I agreed etc. It isn’t about meal plans and everything; it is to do with the emotions surrounding the ED etc. Which is what I have never done before.
I’m seeing him again in two weeks. I don’t think he is going to weigh me then but I would like to have lost weight…Then I had statistics, met my friends in the common room then went to the café and completely out of character ate a jacket potato. The others had already had lunch, I didn’t have to have it but I did and it was nice. Then I’ve had a bag of wotsits (95) and a pack of French fries (97)

Today
I'm in bed, it is almost 3pm. I've been up for just over 3 hours because I had THE BEST nights sleep EVER, my mum got me a matress topper and it is like sleeping on a cloud! Sadly tonight I'm sleeping on an air matress in a sleeping bag at scouts... Unfortunatly I've also been used to living in a double glazed building where the heating is on so much that you open your window even in winter. So my ancient house seems freeeeezing.
Mainly all I can think about is how comfy my bed is, I'm looking forward to the Christmas holidays so much now :P

I'm meant to be dressed as something from Lord Of The Rings tonight...I haven't planned anything and when I just tried to dress as a hobbit I looked distinctly more like a Borrower...

Apparently I need trousers cut off below the knee, a dress shirt, waistcoat (vest), tweed jacket and a cloak. I can produce most of those things...I just don't know if I can be bothered...hmmm.

I've decided that by Thursday 1st december I want to have lost 3-4kg. That is my next doctors appointment but it also means that when I go home for christmas (17th December) I'll be enough underweight that even if I gain 1kg/week I'll still be borderline underweight when I go back mid-january. Everyone gains weight over christmas. I haven't for the last four years I don't think...I know 06-07 xmas I lost and 07-08 xmas I lost, 08-09 xmas I lost, I'm not sure about the other years but I think I gained then. My mum has started buying christmas foods and I do want to be able to eat them!

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Got a little lost!

Today was mildly amusing. I got up early and was in the computer room at psychology for 9am to finish my lab report. Printed it out and handed it in. Feeling super organised I went to the common room and made notes on aggression for my tutorial presentation (which is preparation for our next essay). Then I went to the cafe and my brother called me. Then I had my BioMed lecture on wee...well actually the renal system and measuring it but he digressed a little bit and talked about what causes wee to be different colours black, blue, red, purple, green, orange and of course yellow!
Feeling like the day was going well I thought I'd go to the town west of campus as opposed to the city which is east-ish. It is two miles to the town and I thought I'd get the bus given I didn't know the exact route blahblah. My round trip was 31 miles...I went on a bus, two trams and another bus and did not end up where I intended in the end anyway...my flat mates have suggested some one takes me next time..! (They were lovely about it though :P )

6 of us have made an agreement to live together next year...but we haven't told the others. It isn't that I don't want to live with the others except one girl and ahhh! Basically.

I'm going home this weekend! I'm only there briefly, most of the time I'm at scouts.

I have the doctor again tomorrow. My stomach is sooo painful and bloated :'(

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Lab Report

I'm meant to be working on my lab report which is due midday Thursday. I've got 600 words. However I haven't written the abstract, introduction, results (much) or discussion... I just can't make my head work.

I had welfare training this morning then I had to literally run to my blood test. Then she couldn't get any blood so it took six attempts...then I came back and ATE LUNCH with my flatmates. One of the guys said "oh wow Eloise is actually eating a meal" which made me feel super awkward because I eat meals all the time??? Now I need to do work...

This evening I have a budget meeting and then I'm meant to be going out for my flatmates belated birthday but I really don't feel like it :/

I dropped a letter in to the Doctor I saw last Friday trying to explain why I got so upset. The surgery here sends you a text the day before your appointment reminding you when it is etc. I just got a text saying my doctor has read my note and will see me as arranged on Friday. I really like that they have a text system, it reassures me that I've got the correct time and date and I don't have to speak to anyone. Also I think it is really nice that they texted me saying he had read it etc. My first appointments with people are almost always bad so I'm hoping this week will be better?

My appointment yesterday was okay, she was really nice however we had a bit of a weight confusion... she usually asks me if my weight it okay (not that actual number) and I've been saying yes because I'm above 18.5 BMI however she was thinking I was saying I was above 20 or 21 so she semi confronted me like "are you sure?" etc so I told her my BMI and we realised we were thinking along different lines. The ED team here accept referrals from people with a history/EDNOS/problems at BMI 19 (bulmia at any weight) so she is probably going to refer me... and I am being referred to the psychologist. She also didn't know that I hadn't had any non-behavioural therapy for the ED i.e. why I have one, how I feel about my body etc.

Erm... yeh. Lab report :(

Monday, 14 November 2011

This is a bit of a negetive post okay, Sorry if I'm triggering you :/

(Isobel and Bones thank you for your comments, they really mean a lot)

Turns out you can get back to feeling pretty awful pretty quick. It is 3am now and I've been awake since just after 1am, meaning I got all of about 90 minutes of sleep. I'm seeing the psych nurse (Claire) in 7 hours. I think I need a different sleep medication. Currently I take melatonin (in the form of Circadin) I took 3 tablets this evening (3x original dose, 1.5x current dose) which is 6mg, clearly not really working the way I've been told it is meant to.


I was 4kg (8,8lbs) heavier than my GW for Friday at 9pm. I know some of that is 'waste', some is water but 2-3kg is definitly actual weight. I know I can lose the weight (not sure about the water etc) by Friday. I'm not eating tomorrow or Wednesday except maybe salad. Thursday the same then I'll eat before statistics on Friday. Or more likely have soup/ a drink otherwise I'll feel really sick in the Lecture.
Friday evening I'll eat something, I'm not sure what, I'm going to be on a coach 5-8pm then 8-9pm the tube/ family friend's then 9-10.30pm in the car.
Saturday I'll have something at home probably involving pepers and prawns. Dinner is fish and chips at scouts (ah!) then some form of cooked breakfast on Sunday. Then before I have to come back to uni I'm having falafal and salad (quite excited!).
I'll have breakfast next Monday but I don't know what I'll do the rest of the week.

I don't know whether to take my laptop home with me or not. I don't know what National Express coaches are like. I really don't want to sit next to anyone :/ I bet I'll have to though.

I just figure then I'll have itunes, media player, I could put some films on here. I don't know if I'll take any books home. I need to take my air bed (it folds up really small). I'm not sure what else I'll need but I want space in my bag to bring back stuff from home (different clothes) and there are a few things I'm going to take home because they don't fit so I don't wear them (I bought some things with me incase I gained a lot).

I've spent so much on itunes...I've bought all 3 Hunger Games audiobooks (not about EDs, kinda sci fi, the genre I entitle 'girly sci-fi') so if anyone wants them (and knows how I'd go about giving them to you) you're welcome to copies. £37.85 :/

I planned what I was going to wear today last night...now I think I won't feel comfortable in it. I'm not sure.

Grey tailored skirt which sits at my waist, white shirt, round-neck rainbow jumper (black, red, black, orange, black, yellow, black green, black, purple narrow stripes). Black tights and grey lace ups. I don't know if it looks a bit try hard. I often wear those stretchy jersey skirts a lot of people wear at the moment (legging fabric but a tube skirt). I don't feel like wearing something tight though and the only jeans I have are skinny jeans. My dresses are all shorter than I want to wear. I don't want to see my legs.

I've disliked my legs for such a long time. Stripy leggings when I was 5. They have always been muscular, strong. Even when I was 'emaciated' I still had leg muscles. My calf muscles never wasted (which by the way made me look even more ludicrous) no clearly my heart was better muscle to start digesting...
Anyway, I pretty much never wear trousers since my ED started because I hate seeing my legs. I hated my legs before that but never wore skirts to school much because I felt more hidden in my trousers.

I don't know why I didn't think of dieting sooner than I did, don't know why I didn't catch on to calories until my first admission. I don't think I even tried to eat less. I didn't like my weight but I don't think it really crossed my mind? Lunch slightly depleated in year 9 from a sandwich (230), kitkat/penguin/cake bar (100-120cals)and maybe crisps, maybe something like a doughnut from the canteen? I don't remember. In year 10 lunch disappeared.

I remember in the summer my friend and I decided on scout camp we would diet. But we didn't really, I ate less because I didn't like a lot of the food. I started going out with (her) boyfriend. We broke up 4-5 weeks later. I stopped eating, started self-harming pretty soon after that I think.

I stopped eating the biscuits we bought on the way home (a big group of us would buy a packet to share), stopped eating lunch, stopped having breakfast, picked at my dinner. Lost weight.

10 stone, 8 stone, 6 stone. Kilos in the hospital.

I'm 8 stone at the moment. I want to be 7? I'm not sure.

It is 4am now.

I didn't really realise I had an eating disorder until I was almost 16, it took 2 years. Probably because no one really referred to it? 'Eating problems' 'being funny about food' 'food OCD' 'Eating Difficulties'. My parents went to the meetings in hospital, I wasn't invited to my reviews. They were sent the letters saying Asperger's, depression, OCD, Anorexia. No one really told me, they did at the (general) hospital but I didn't believe them. By that time I'd been told I was "trying to have an eating disorder". If you're trying, and reach the criteria I realise now you have a damn eating disorder. I didn't know that then. I didn't know the diagnostic criteria. I don't really remember hearing anything about eating disorders. Maybe they learnt about it in PSHE (health class) whilst I was IN hospital?

My stomach is cramping. I took laxatives...and diuretics.
I don't like how 'well' I did today.

Waffle.
Lettuce.
Spahetti hoops.
2 coffees.
water.

I have gained weight since last week. In case you haven't caught on, binging and purging how ever small the binge is will screw with your water balance and won't make you lose weight anytime soon.

Odd

I spent all of last week feeling horribly desperate, purging food and liquid, cutting, not knowing what to do.
Today I had a waffle for breakfast as there weren't any bran flakes (A WAFFLE!). I've had two cups of coffee. And yes it is gone 3pm and I'm not going to pretend it is normal not to have eaten anything else but I am FULL.
I feel guilty, but it wasn't bad enough to make me purge...or not eat it. It feels odd after only a week of feeling like my heart was going to explode out of my chest to feel reletively well.

I feel bad feeling 'well', I don't like this full sturdy feeling. I feel thinner if I'm dizzy and cold. Evn if I'm exactly the same size.

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Ich bin müde

Och ma days, I'm so so so tired :( I'm pretty much the only one in today, which given I normally live with 16 other people, has never happened before... I think some people are in later? And almost everyone will be back this evening.

I need to do my lab report. It would help if I actually knew why we did our experiment. It was like the Navon one of global and local processing. But we didn't learn anything new from it so :/ and yah. I should at least write the method and do the results and discussion though. Even if I don't do the abstract and introduction until next week.


I ate dinner last night. 5 quorn balls in a tomoato sauce with pasta and lettuce. I was going to throw up after but I didn't. Which is good because hopefully I can concentrate on some work today however I still feel full now. Bloated and fat and horrible.

Friday, 11 November 2011

It is 5am, I fell asleep just after midnight and woke up just before 4am when the girl downstairs started being noisy. To be fair she has been out for her birthday and bought people back so it is (kind of) fair enough.
I'm not meeting Shannice until early afternoon so I can sleep late once I get back to sleep.
I don't really feel anything at the moment. I'm worried I'll binge in town, or buy binge food.
I'm going to buy a starbucks, probably a winter jacket and maybe something in the sale/ from primark.

Friday

Today was a mix. I had a Doctor’s appointment this morning. I went in and it was fine until he started talking about my weight. He told me I’m no at a “critically weight” which funnily enough I already knew! It made me upset, anyone telling me anything about my weight translates in my head as “you’re fat and wasting my time”. I started crying. Then he was patronising, I walked out.

I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to go and see Claire (the nurse I see) but I couldn’t, I feel like I’ve been wasting a lot of her time.

I went to my Statistics lecture. We had a fire alarm half way through, it hurt my head and I’ve had a headache ever since.

I wandered around campus a bit, not knowing what to do. Then I came home, fell asleep for a bit and emailed Claire. She emailed back about an hour later saying the Doctor did want to see me again and to have blood tests. I booked them. The blood test is on Wednesday, the Doctor’s appointment is on Friday. I’ve written him a letter trying to explain why I got upset today, hopefully this will mean the next appointment goes better.

I’m so exhausted.

I had some dinner this evening and didn’t throw it up. 18 chunky chips and lettuce. Since then I’ve had some coffee with sweetner and soya milk, and highlights hot chocolate with soya milk.

I’m meeting up with Shannice tomorrow afternoon :)

I really miss Lissy. I miss everyone, even the people I live with, I feel really distant from everyone. I think one of the girls ( I really like) I haven’t told about the (old) ED is catching on. She keeps suggesting things I could eat at dinner, saying I need to eat carbs/ more.

I haven’t digested any protein in a week. I don’t remember when I had any before then.

The computer screen is hurting my eyes :/

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

hey hey hey

I went to the cinema this afternoon to see 'The Help' which is a film based on the book (which came out 2009 or 2010?) by Katherine Stockett. It was actually a pretty good adaptation though obviously there is a lot more in the book.
Then I went to McDonalds, ate, threw up. Went to Tesco, bought food, came back, ate, threw up. Went to a budget meeting. Came back, ate, threw up.
There are 3 carrier bags of vomit in the pantry bin...I hope the cleaner doesn't realise.


I emailed the psych nurse I see.

11:38am

I'm still not up, the cleaner is in the corridor and she always says random stuff I don't really understand :/ she'll be gone soon. I really need the loo and to shower.
I don't think I'm going to go to the photo, I don't think it is worth everyone seeing my scars. For training I wear a long sleeve rash vest over my swimsuit but that is bright blue and everyone in the photo will be in the team black costume or a plain black costume so I can't wear it.

12.00
I think she may have left!

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

another dire post

It is 2am and I can't sleep, I'm hungry, I want to weigh myself but I can't be bothered to walk to the toilet.
I've put on Culture Club in an effort not to play depressing music.
I have the day 'off' tomorrow but I still have a tonne of stuff to do. My alarm goes off in 6 hours, I need to be up in 7 hours and starting work in 7.5 or 8 hours. Not going to happen.
I feel like I'm going a bit crazy. I don't know if I should tell someone. It feels a bit like a lie, or exageration. I mean even mild insomnia makes people go a bit loopy. It would all be better if I just ate and didn't throw up. Alternatively I can let my blood sugar get low enough I just flop into bed at the end of the day.
I loved it when I used to fall asleep at 8pm everyday. I just had to lay down, couldn't even get into PJ's just asleep in an instant.

I might go pee so I can weigh myself.

I need to lose 1.4kg by next Monday (3lbs) or by next Tuesday. Whichever.

I don't know if I'm going to eat tomorrow (today). I could have lettuce and chicken and ketchup in the cafe. I don't want to eat on my own though, and I don't want to go to hall, and I don't really want to eat at all. Not really.

Morning-
Shower
Laundry
Welfare poster
Email SU welfare officer about leaflet
Budget for welfare (advisory)

2pm
Photo for water polo

7pm
Budget meeting with JCR

I'll have coffee for sure. I have £5.10 to spend on campus on food. I don't really want to eat before the photo :/ tempting to use the money to buy food I know I'll want to purge. But I don't want to binge.

2.30am
2.40am

I know I've been okay for a long time now. I'm sorry.

2.55am

I'll try to stop boring you.
I'm not doing so good, I guess.
I had my appointment with Claire psych support nurse person. Talked about a mixture of easy stuff (just uni stuff) and hard stuff...like how I wasn't eating or drinking. I've had fluids now. I ate some noodles but I threw them up, ya know, in a carrier bag in my room. Nice and classy.
I don't really know why things have got worse. Anyway, she said about the referral to a psychologist again which I didn't agree to in the session but then I emailed her and said a sort of yes. She also thinks I should be seeing the GP for bloods, being weighed and blood pressure and all the other tests I've been having for years. I don't want that though, firstly my weight is completely fine, secondly being checked up on just makes me want to lose even more and be even sicker.

Apologies

Apologies to the people's blogs I haven't replied to and the people I have promised facebook messages and I just haven't...

I've been a bit stupid the past few days, not eating and not drinking. I am now. I know it is stupid, I had a reason for doing it in hospital (to get on to the general ward instead of the ED/Psycho ward) now it is just dumb.

I saw the psych nurse this morning, she wants me to agree to a psychology referral, GP medical mointering and possibly an ED referral. I don't have the energy for any of this. However I have emailed her this afternoon asking for more information on the Psychologist. So yeah :/

I had a drink this afternoon and I bought a litre bottle of water to have this evening.

I know I'm not meant to be like this anymore, I should be being more sensible. I don't know why I'm doing it. I'm not perfect.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

I have two projected weights. One leaves me on the 15th December (the end of term) with a BMI of 21.3, the other leave me at 17.5. Realistically I'll probably end up somewhere inbetween- where I am now, but I need to do something because I'm so unfit at the moment and untoned and therefore flabby and I'm getting too close to binging and not eating meals. Even if my meals are 'meals' I'd rather that to binging (and purging).

This weekend I'm writing my essay, I have about 700 words at the moment. Next weekend I'm going to Amsterdam (ahh!), the weekend after I'm back in the SE for the weekend though only sleeping at home the Friday night.

This is the end of my sixth week here, I can't believe it.

I haven't made a video for a few weeks. I don't know if anyone is really interested?

Oh I have to eat a pub lunch on Sunday, it is my housemate's birthday...

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

I spent the whole morning to hungry to concentrate, then I ate a cookie, mini cheddars, walkers, carrot cake..now I'm so tired, I just want to sleep. My skin looks horrible. I have to go out tonight.

I don't know when/HOW I'm going to write this essay.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

craving

I just want to eat and eat and eat and eat until I can't anymore and purge in complete privacy.
I have the day 'off' tomorrow, in that I don't have any classes but I need to write my essay, as in get it 90% done (so all bar refrencing and bibliography). I don't know if that gives me time to go in to town to binge and purge.
I think I'd go to Greggs the bakers and see what there was, I've not been in one so cupcakes, or something with cream. Then I'd get McDonalds chicken burger, fries, strawberry/chocolate milkshake. And a bag of salt and vinegar chips sticks, maybe some chocolate bars. Then I'd find a public loo, one that really no one would want to use and I'd puke and puke and puke. There is a pay to use one (looks like a pod) but you only get 20mins and then the doors just open and what if I wasn't done by then?!!
I need to be writing my essay but I can only focus for about 2 minutes at a time. I want my head to be clear, it feels cloudy and concentrating is like wading through mud.
I feel like 5 years of an eating disorder has destroyed my brain. I feel so slow. And I'm not even thin.

I've run out of soya milk so I can't have any more coffee (I hate it black these days). We were meant to get some delivered yesterday but the Sainsbury's man didn't come (grdnwqn!!!)cfdjwncq) so now I won't have any until tomorrow afternoon. :(

I have a lecture on language at 1pm, tutorial on this essay at 2pm and addiction at 4pm. Choir at 6pm.

I haven't emailed the psych nurse person I see to tell her she didn't actually give me an appointment. I don't know if I really want to think about things at the moment.