Monday, 14 November 2011

This is a bit of a negetive post okay, Sorry if I'm triggering you :/

(Isobel and Bones thank you for your comments, they really mean a lot)

Turns out you can get back to feeling pretty awful pretty quick. It is 3am now and I've been awake since just after 1am, meaning I got all of about 90 minutes of sleep. I'm seeing the psych nurse (Claire) in 7 hours. I think I need a different sleep medication. Currently I take melatonin (in the form of Circadin) I took 3 tablets this evening (3x original dose, 1.5x current dose) which is 6mg, clearly not really working the way I've been told it is meant to.

I was 4kg (8,8lbs) heavier than my GW for Friday at 9pm. I know some of that is 'waste', some is water but 2-3kg is definitly actual weight. I know I can lose the weight (not sure about the water etc) by Friday. I'm not eating tomorrow or Wednesday except maybe salad. Thursday the same then I'll eat before statistics on Friday. Or more likely have soup/ a drink otherwise I'll feel really sick in the Lecture.
Friday evening I'll eat something, I'm not sure what, I'm going to be on a coach 5-8pm then 8-9pm the tube/ family friend's then 9-10.30pm in the car.
Saturday I'll have something at home probably involving pepers and prawns. Dinner is fish and chips at scouts (ah!) then some form of cooked breakfast on Sunday. Then before I have to come back to uni I'm having falafal and salad (quite excited!).
I'll have breakfast next Monday but I don't know what I'll do the rest of the week.

I don't know whether to take my laptop home with me or not. I don't know what National Express coaches are like. I really don't want to sit next to anyone :/ I bet I'll have to though.

I just figure then I'll have itunes, media player, I could put some films on here. I don't know if I'll take any books home. I need to take my air bed (it folds up really small). I'm not sure what else I'll need but I want space in my bag to bring back stuff from home (different clothes) and there are a few things I'm going to take home because they don't fit so I don't wear them (I bought some things with me incase I gained a lot).

I've spent so much on itunes...I've bought all 3 Hunger Games audiobooks (not about EDs, kinda sci fi, the genre I entitle 'girly sci-fi') so if anyone wants them (and knows how I'd go about giving them to you) you're welcome to copies. £37.85 :/

I planned what I was going to wear today last I think I won't feel comfortable in it. I'm not sure.

Grey tailored skirt which sits at my waist, white shirt, round-neck rainbow jumper (black, red, black, orange, black, yellow, black green, black, purple narrow stripes). Black tights and grey lace ups. I don't know if it looks a bit try hard. I often wear those stretchy jersey skirts a lot of people wear at the moment (legging fabric but a tube skirt). I don't feel like wearing something tight though and the only jeans I have are skinny jeans. My dresses are all shorter than I want to wear. I don't want to see my legs.

I've disliked my legs for such a long time. Stripy leggings when I was 5. They have always been muscular, strong. Even when I was 'emaciated' I still had leg muscles. My calf muscles never wasted (which by the way made me look even more ludicrous) no clearly my heart was better muscle to start digesting...
Anyway, I pretty much never wear trousers since my ED started because I hate seeing my legs. I hated my legs before that but never wore skirts to school much because I felt more hidden in my trousers.

I don't know why I didn't think of dieting sooner than I did, don't know why I didn't catch on to calories until my first admission. I don't think I even tried to eat less. I didn't like my weight but I don't think it really crossed my mind? Lunch slightly depleated in year 9 from a sandwich (230), kitkat/penguin/cake bar (100-120cals)and maybe crisps, maybe something like a doughnut from the canteen? I don't remember. In year 10 lunch disappeared.

I remember in the summer my friend and I decided on scout camp we would diet. But we didn't really, I ate less because I didn't like a lot of the food. I started going out with (her) boyfriend. We broke up 4-5 weeks later. I stopped eating, started self-harming pretty soon after that I think.

I stopped eating the biscuits we bought on the way home (a big group of us would buy a packet to share), stopped eating lunch, stopped having breakfast, picked at my dinner. Lost weight.

10 stone, 8 stone, 6 stone. Kilos in the hospital.

I'm 8 stone at the moment. I want to be 7? I'm not sure.

It is 4am now.

I didn't really realise I had an eating disorder until I was almost 16, it took 2 years. Probably because no one really referred to it? 'Eating problems' 'being funny about food' 'food OCD' 'Eating Difficulties'. My parents went to the meetings in hospital, I wasn't invited to my reviews. They were sent the letters saying Asperger's, depression, OCD, Anorexia. No one really told me, they did at the (general) hospital but I didn't believe them. By that time I'd been told I was "trying to have an eating disorder". If you're trying, and reach the criteria I realise now you have a damn eating disorder. I didn't know that then. I didn't know the diagnostic criteria. I don't really remember hearing anything about eating disorders. Maybe they learnt about it in PSHE (health class) whilst I was IN hospital?

My stomach is cramping. I took laxatives...and diuretics.


  1. i hope today is ok! text me later :) xo.

  2. That's quite the history my dear. I know you're comfortable telling us this, and this might be a stupid question, but do your psych people know all of that?

    I hope you have a good time at home and that you can relax and refresh.