Wednesday, 28 December 2011
table spoon of rice - 114 (apparently :S)
3 chicken nuggests - 120
lettuce - 10
smarties - 200
I really want to know what I weigh but I'm too scared. Too scared my mum will notice if I put batteries in the scales. Too scared I'll have gained. Too scared I won't have lost...because at the moment I feel thinner but it is probably just because I'm restricting so feel good, not because I actually am any lighter.
I know it is kind of morbid...but I make spreadsheets with how long it would take me to die from losing weight. Currently mid-May, not that I plan on dying. I just like to know.
2 small eggs- 108
My mum is making chickpea curry for dinner, I don't eat that so I'll be able to make my own thing.
I'm stressing a lot, I need to finish my lab report this afternoon, it should only take another hour or so if I actually knew what to write. Next term I really need to write them straight after the class/ make way more notes during class because I just can't remember half of it. Pretty sure I'm writing the statistics in the wrong format :/ I only need 50% but still...
Spot world has grown on my face it is pretty icky. I'm not taking a couple I'm talking 20+ some of which have been reoccuring for weeks :( going to talk to my doctor about it when I get back to uni. Maybe he could just bung me on some anti-biotics and knock out the spots and whatever is making me so tired...I've only been on them twice. Once when I was 6 and once on IV in hospital...
Anyway... lab report. Then I can start on revision YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Tuesday, 27 December 2011
With a lack of scales, I've taken measurements. They put me at a UK size 8 (US 4) according to measurements. In shops I wear some size 6 tops and dresses but not size 6 bottoms and age 13 or 13-14 if I get kids (164cm).
Hips (at bone) 33
Widest point of thigh 21
Bottom (widest point of body) 35.5
This is what my legs look like at the moment, I'm wearing a really baggy top. I don't really want to put a picture of me in my underwear or anything dodgy...
This is what I'd LIKE my legs to look like. I don't want them to be narrower than my knees because it looks stupid on me because my calves stay big but...basically I want to fit into my size 4 UNIQLO velvety skinny trousers by the end of February. The waist size is 24 inches so I need to lose 2 inches there and definetly some off my butt-hips.
I know this is ridiculously childish and blahblahblah I generally hate blogs with posts like this. But...well unfollow me if you want. I seem to always need to obsess over something. No scales = measurements. No choice in WHICH foods = how MUCH food (calories).
Sunday, 25 December 2011
I didn't eat a lot at dinner, not through restriction, I just didn't want that much, couldn't finish that much. We didn't have dessert in the end so I didn't have to decline and it wouldn't have been an issue. My parents know I can't have much milk.
But then I ate some sweets and a few chocolates. I don't know if I'm growing out of my 'sweet tooth' because I definitly had one when I was younger but mostly chocolate makes me feel sick.
We're going to see my grandparents tomorrow afternoon. I think my aunt and cousins and partners will be there. Which will probably be frustrating because to them I am a child. Luckily it isn't for lunch or a meal, just popping round.
I need to start my lab report. Other than that I don't have any specific plans. I have an invite to New Years Eve at a friends but I'm worried about going, I don't know them all that well. I'm kind of an outsider to their group, well I AM there is no kinda. But I don't want to be alone and I don't want to force myself on anyone.
The PJs my mum got me for christmas are 2 sizes smaller than the last pair she bought me...even though I'm considerably bigger than I was in 2009 (when she bought them). I mean they fit like they are meant to, I'm more wondering how this reflects how my mum sees me/ wants me to be.
My stomach hates me.
I've eaten about 5 chocolates and 6? chocolate coins. I feel kinda okay about it, I also had gingerbread porridge which did limit the amount of chocolate I've eaten. Don't feel like I've binged but don't want anymore and it isn't haunting my thoughts, just feel a bit sick.
I'm pretty darn cold (because my house is really old) so I'm wearing my XMAS TSHIRT that I made at Lissy's, the reindeer jumper I bought when I went shopping with shannice, rudolph socks Lissy got my for xmas, leggings and my new PJ bottoms :) contemplating the mittens but they do impede typing...
On Christmas eve eve I emailed my therapist from my first hospital. It is almost 5 years ago that I was there. I found her email address ages ago but wanted to have lots of positive things to tell her. Kinda realised life is never going to be perfect so emailed her saying all the good with slight mentions to the negetives. I really hope she emails me back after Christmas. That hospital really sucked but she made things a lot better and was so much nicer than any of the other staff there.
We're having duck, roast potatoes and lots and lots of vegetables for lunch/dinner plus gravy, stuffing, red cabbage and probably some other things. But it all just goes on the table and we serve ourselves so it really isn't that bad because at least today no one will suggest I need more on my plate so I do actually feel okay about it. Plus we will have crackers and paper hats :)
The one part I am stressing about it dessert. I don't like christmas pudding and nor does my younger brother so my mum got chocolate torte and ice cream for us. Which firstly is super sickly and high fat and high calorie but I'm also lactose intolerant and it is a lot worse than even in the summer. So I can't really eat it...I'm sure it'll be fine.
Hope you're all at least surviving the festive period! xxx
Friday, 23 December 2011
I want to lose weight. Obviously this isn’t exactly a new state of mind but it has been somewhat on the back burner to not completely falling apart. Now it is my every thought yet I really really REALLY want to eat, and eat and eat. I don’t want to binge, wanting to eat and eat and eat doesn’t even particularly feel like wanting to binge.
I feel like after over 5 years of an ED I’d have experienced everything, yet I’ve never felt like this before, it all feels new, different. I want things to feel more predictable, more like I’M the one in charge.
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Monday, 19 December 2011
I went downstairs and told my mum I'm scared of everything, including walking to the dentist tomorrow. She didn't ignore me...but she didn't say "It'll be okay I'll/Dad'll take you". I've been away for 3 months, I live in a bubble on campus. One day a week I might go into town but it isn't very far at all and the buses run so frequently I don't have to worry about timetables.
But I'm here for 25 days, I need to write a lab report in the next ten days. I need to revise aka LEARN for my exams. I have no energy, I've unpacked my clothes but I have no floor space in my room because of all my stuff that has come home from university.
Yesterday I had 1533 calories, I have had similar today and will have roughly similar tomorrow depending if I purge my italian dinner out or not. Or if I count the calories I purge or not.
Then Wednesday to Friday I'm in London with Lissy and Lily so I will eat however much I feel like rather than parents getting involved and stuff. Christmas eve meal wise I can be average-low like less than 1000 easily but in the evening the Christmas biscuits and stuff will come out. TERRIFYING. Then Christmas Day is actually a very easy day to restrict for me. I mean not fast, I'll have Christmas dinner but mainly just Pheasant and vegetables with gravy :)
Then after that I think I'll probably be feeling so crap and argh with being at home I'll pretty much stop eating or start binging. Who can really predict.
I don't know how I'm going to cope at Easter. I have NO BLOODY IDEA what I'll do in the Summer. 3 MONTHS. AT. HOME.
I go 12 weeks at university during which time Tourette's did no rear its head except on very very few occasions. In the last 2 days I have had more tics than the entire 12 weeks. Also my parent's house is old and freezing and I can't get warm, this means I am constantly hungry.
I feel so so crap.
Saturday, 17 December 2011
I had a lot of post when I got home, including my exam certificates from college. I also got an award for "outstanding achievement in a-levels" £25 :D really wasn't expecting a cheque!
I'm probably going shopping with my brother tomorrow. He needs to do Christmas shopping but we usually get presents for me together...I just don't know what I want!
Thursday, 15 December 2011
It is the only situation I can think of where binging is legit. I mean, I probably ate a lot less than most of the guys. I ate 4 plates of main (2, purge, 2 purge) and 2 bowls of dessert (purge). This place was buffet Chinese, Italian, British, Indian, Mexican... they had an ice cream machine and a chocolate fountain as well as marshmallows and cake...
I mean...in all honesty I don't feel that bad about it. It just seems normal now, I had to remind myself that when other people went to the toilets they weren't shoving their hand down their throat. Everyone was so full afterwards we came back instead of going to the bar as we had planned.
I'm trying to pack up all my stuff for moving home for the Christmas holiday (1 month 16th December to 16th January). My room, which is normally very messy looks like someone has trashed it. OhYeahMe.
I emailed my mum. I told her about being more depressed at the moment and explained that I don't want to be a pain over the holidays by not helping out but that everything is a bit blah and I won't think 'ahh that laundry needs folding'. I mean, they've lived with me the past 5 years whilst I've been in various stages of crazy (excluding hospital admissions where I was...worse) but it is more I remember how frustrated my parents got/get with my older brother when he is home and doesn't help out. To be fair, he doesn't have any health problems so I guess it is a bit different.
I was going to ask for my cupboard back in the kitchen however I may just take it over...it isn't a whole cupboard, it is a shelf in the cupboard which when I was home briefly a month ago had some microwave tubs and salt on so I can re home them.
I have no idea what I'm going to be like with food at home.
I saw the GP today and told him about the ED psychologist. He said we'd have to rethink. He is going to arrange a meeting for the 3rd week of term (February) which is after the two weeks of exams and when lectures and Semester 2 starts. Everyone involved with me will be there and me. So him, Claire, my new mentor and maybe the head of support services, plus anyone else. I'm really scared and have 'decided' I have to lose 5kg by then so I'm comfortably underweight and they remember I am struggling with that...because he didn't say he would contact the ED service and make me an appointment with someone else...which is what I hoped he would do.
* stats lecture 11-12
* say bye to psychology friends
* 1pm meet with Claire and my new mentor
* 2.10pm get events form signed for the exams de-stress tea and cake session I'm holding in January (TERRIFIED, I CAN'T ORGANISE MY OWN LIFE, LET ALONE THIS). Before I go out in the morning I need to get it signed by the hall manager and the warden's secretary.
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
The waiting room was really nice, much nicer that where I went at home. However the woman I saw was just eurgh. So she was just THE stereotype of a psychologist, everything was open ended, vague, nothing she said wasn't phrased without the prefix of 'perhaps' and with the tone of a question. I explained that I am on the autistic spectrum and whilst this wasn't generally a problem her phrasing was confusing me. She didn't change her phrasing.
She referred to my parents as "mummy and daddy" and regardless of what I call them two ADULTS talking and her saying "mummy and daddy" is just completely bizarre.
She didn't know why I was there, she asked me what had brought me there (another confusing phrase - I had walked there!). Is it really too much for people to read a referral letter?! I heard my doctor dictate it, it said the basics of what she needed to know.
She said I was "prickly", I asked her if she'd ever met anyone on the autistic spectrum before, she just responded like a school teacher dismissing my rude/ridiculous question.
Once we clarified that I've had an ED for 5 years she started talking about when I "used to have an ED". She also said "Anorexia Nervosa" everytime she said Anorexia. Pissed me off with her stopid pronounciation.
She brought up the OCD I had mentioned, I said it was largely better now due to CBT. She said "are you saying you don't want CBT?" NO! I JUST SAID THAT CBT HELPED MY OCD!!! I'm not against having CBT, it helped before, I just feel like I've done A LOT of it and whilst I do want to work on certain behaviours I think I need to TALK to someone about the sexual attacks.
She suggested that ED wasn't the right service for me and I see the Asperger's Service. AHHHH! I don't need help with my Asperger's I manage to communicate FINE with every other therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist/doctor/nurse I've seen, she was just wierd! Every now and again she'd go "Riiiiight" or "Now we're getting somewhere" and I was like what the hell? Does that mean you think we weren't getting somewhere before?
Oh ALSO. I mentioned that I thought I was too fat to be there, she asked if I thought she was "going to weigh me and do horrible things to me". I said no, because I've never been weighed my a psychologist before. Then she asked if I WANTED her to weigh me. WHY WOULD I WANT THAT WHEN I'D JUST TOLD HER I WAS FAT?!?!
After 25 minutes (and I'm impressed I lasted so long) I left. Called Lissy, walked into town and got my mum's xmas present, starbucks and a jumper dress for £7 in H&M's sale it is REALLY warm and it is freezing so :)
Then I took part in an experiment for someone's research. Then I asked for an extension for my lab report and got until the 29th! TWO WEEKS! I need to do it Monday or Tuesday next week really but I'm hoping my brother will help me...
I also called my brother when I was in town, and told him I'd been to the ED people and how she'd been mental. It is the first time since I was in hospital that I've said 'I have an Eating Disorder' he was away at university a lot of the time I was ill. But anyway, he was really good about it and slagged her off.
I was having thoughts about emailing my mum saying I still have a problem but... I don't want her watching what I eat or commenting more than she does already. It isn't like she doesn't know it is just that we don't speak about it.
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
- · I don’t know how long the appointment is so I don’t know how much to talk
- · I usually get really upset in first appointments and walk out. This isn’t because I don’t want to talk to someone. Often it is because I’ve misinterpreted something someone has said. i.e “you’re a healthy weight” = “you’re fat and wasting my time”.
- · I’m worried you’ll do this assessment and then say I’m fine / too fat
- · I want to lose weight
- · People keep talking to me about ‘giving up my eating disorder’ or being ready to. I don’t feel like I count as having an eating disorder, like I’ve just been misleading the doctors because I’m not underweight anymore and I know there are other eating disorders but there is so much stuff I’ve been told in the past that I don’t think they really count.
o Being in hospital made things a lot lot worse and a lot of the problems I have are linked to being in hospital.
- · I make a lot of rules about coming to appointments which are in some ways counter-productive. When I’ve seen people in the past they’ve done things like not see me unless I would say I had eaten/ had water/ not walked there. Which pretty much meant I just lied to them. I really don’t want to do that whole thing now. I have rules around appointments but I come to appointments and that is because I do want help, it is just like one big fight inside myself all the time, I really don’t have the energy to be fighting or bartering with anyone else.
- · The whole “What do you want from this?” question, I don’t know. People always want to set an 8-12 week goal and then that is the end but this isn’t about one thing, everyone has always focused on one thing such as weight or rituals but I’m one person and all my problems are meshed together!
o I do like structure because when I get on to hard subjects I will end up on a totally different topic or get stuck in silence. But when things are really structured (like just doing sheets) or time limited I just can’t do it.I just really hope she is actually a reasonable person :/ I'm going christmas shopping afterwards.
This evening I had a commitee meeting with the warden. Afterward I told him I was struggling and that if things didn't improve by February then I think it would be best to resign from the comittee. He was really nice, he has OCD and had CBT for it. So I didn't feel completely mad, just because it means he will have sat in waiting rooms in psych clinics and met with therapists. It just means he isn't completely out of my world.
I'm sending a Christmas card with a letter in it to my old psych from CAMHS.
Monday, 12 December 2011
I got up quite late, about 10ish because as usual I couldn't sleep and my sleep meds only make me sleep for one sleep cycle (about 90mins).
Then I spent pretty much the whole day (until 3.30pm) referencing my essay. I had only done in text references like (Eloise, 2011) then I had to do the whole section at the end with all the authors, publications etc. But I got it in on time. I wrote 1000 words but the referencing section is another 600...but it isn't like they want undergrads to have their own opinions.
I found three degrees at my university that I think I would qualify to change to. Neuroscience, Neuroscience and Pharmacology or Biosciences: Chemistry, Biology and Psychology. They are all AAB (I have ABB at A-level) and want you to have 2 science A-levels (I only have Biology). However by next September I will have done a year of BSc level Psychology so if I get a 2:1 or 1st in that (B or A) then I think I would be okay? I just have to decide if I actually want to change or not...
Anyway, in general I feel a bit better today. This is pretty much because I weighed less this morning, I haven't eaten anything today and I've handed in my essay.
There is a French film on in half an hour, I can see it for £3. I don't know whether to go or not. It means I can avoid eating.
Sunday, 11 December 2011
The girl who made the facebook status about 'raping' and exam (only her profile was hacked) has been so, well pissed off that I thought she could have written that.
The girl I don't want to live with next year wrote me a christmas card thanking me for being such a good friend and 'agony aunt'. I am not a good friend, I can't deal with her anymore. I bitch about her all the time.
A guy I live with jokingly apologised for going to this party run by this group I don't agree with. Firstly it is HIS LIFE, in all honesty I don't care, I just don't like it when he comes in and is annoyingly drunk. Secondly, I just...don't want people to feel the need to 'apologise' just because of my opinions.
Why can't I just not care? Why can't I just let things go?
I don't want to go home, I don't want to stay here. I hate all of this.
I ate an egg and 6 lindt chocolates.
I've had maybe 200 calories today. I need to drink more but I'm not going to have anything else today, I'm not even hungry.
I'm hoping when I weigh myself tomorrow my crazy-high-bloat weight will be back to where I was before then I can lose another kilo by Wednesday morning. Then I'm back to the border-land between under and healthyweight and I feel like I'm allowed to go to my appointment.
My friend (who I live with) was on my computer earlier looking up some legal case, he saw my google plus name... they know I have a blog and keep joking they are going to find it.
Then Tuesday I have a lecture at 1pm which is a revision one so I REALLY should go to that one but I don't have anything else. I have a meeting in the evening with the comittee I'm on and the Warden. Yay...not.
Wednesday I have my ED appointment, then I'm shopping then at 2pm I'm taking part in a psychology experiment. I can't remember what I'm doing.
Thursday I have a GP appointment at 11.10am and my lab report is due at 12 and I think I have a revision lecture then aswell for BioMed. In the evening I have this all you can eat meal. AHHH!!!
Friday I'm pretty sure I don't have anything but I need to pack all my stuff up because my room has to be completely empty over the holidays.
Sorry I'm so repeatative. When I'm stressed I plan out my time over and over.
I can't decide whether to have quorn fillets this evening. Two are 94 calories. I'll see.
Saturday, 10 December 2011
Anyway this isn't even the issue (except through no actual fault of my own I feel like I'm in the wrong) it is just that I can't deal with rape even being mentioned without wanting to slice up my arms.
I helped my friend dye her hand and accidentally bleached some of my skin. I want to paint it on to my skin. I want to OD on my anti-depressants because my doctor mentioned it yesterday. I want to not eat until Thursday but I keep having things. Today I ate completely normally! I had Bran flakes, a starbucks light frappacino, pasta, a kitkat biscuit, a chocolate biscuit.
I bleached some parts of my hair but you can't really see it, I just did some highlights on the underlayers so it shows through a bit but looks like my hair in the summer pretty much.
I want to cut but I can't do it how I used to.
I think I've decided what I'm wearing to my appointment on Wednesday, I might change my mind but it felt okay wearing it today.
I didn't do any work today...by the time we'd been to brunch it was noon then I was going to work but I called home to find out what my Dad wants for his birthday and christmas, then I chatted to my neighbour for awhile before three of us went into town. Once we were back we went to dinner then we spent about 3 hours chatting and bleaching and dying hair...then watched the film Submarine.
Eurgh why do I have to be so bothered by things? Why can't I just see a facebook status and just ignore it? I know I haven't done anything wrong but I feel in the wrong which is stupid.
Oh and I can't tell her I was raped because she was friends with the guy who raped me when I was 15 AFTER it happened and there is just no way she would believe that he would do it. Plus she might be like my other 'friend' and think I 'wanted it to happen' and just 'changed my mind' afterwards so decided to say I'd been raped...I can't deal with that.
I don't want to go home for Christmas.
I don't think her status is going to go and turn someone in to a rapist but all the rape jokes make life a lot harder for me. I want to message her (she doesn't know I was ever raped and I don't plan on telling her) but I want her to see it is a stupid thing to write. But at the same time maybe I just should block her status' from coming up on my homepage? I don't know. I'm sick of fighting with everyone over points of view. Things I think can never be okay to say other people see as 'just a joke'.
I don't even know how I could phrase a message without it seeming like I am telling her off. Essentially I think it is a stupid thing to write and even worse because she is a medic and it doesn't seem like something she would have said before university.
I know I've picked up certain words into my vocabulary since I've been at university that I didn't use before, I certainly swear more (I never used to).
I hate it when I lose respect for people like this. I mean I prefer myself as a person that I don't respect people that say such stupid things but I hate it because it means I am never friends with them in the same way again.
Okay...sent her a message...
I know it isn’t really any of my business I should just not look at it or something. I’m really glad you did well in your exam (presuming that is what you mean anyway). I just think the phrasing of your status is…well to be honest I think it is a stupid choice of words. By that I don’t mean in any sense that I think you are stupid.
Rape is rape and obviously it is horrible and a crime and everything, I don’t think it can be used to describe anything other than rape. There are already enough rape jokes and people think they are just a joke but victims of rape don’t walk around with signs on their heads saying so, no one can know who they might upset, send into flashbacks or whatever else.
I’m really sorry if you think I’m being rude or a bitch or anything, you’re someone whose opinions I’ve always respected and you’re generally a pretty lovely person and I really want to meet up for drinks over Christmas (I think Alex would like to aswell, he thinks Nikki is really interesting conversation- as are you).
Again sorry if you think I should just ‘not read it’ or whatever, I really hope that isn’t your opinion though.
Well done with the exam
Friday, 9 December 2011
I've eaten four of these biscuity fruit things which come to 284 calories. I haven't had anything to drink yet because I've run out of soya milk. I should have some water and then get a smoothie later. I don't know whether I'm going to go to my afternoon lecture.
I want to cancel my GP appointment which is 3.20pm this afternoon. I am so so so fat at the moment, I don't want to be my lowest weight again but I am 40lbs heavier than it according to yesterdays weight. I want to lose about 20lbs I don't know. I might go swimming after my doctor's appointment...I don't know. I just am sick of lying around like a fat lump.
I hate hate hate hate my body at the moment.
I've written a third of my essay.
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Okay so it isn't quite 1am and I've already blogged today. Lets mix it up a tad? No, obviously not, it isn't like the subject matter will be new.
I need to write an essay before then however.
I can't get my head around the ED appointment. I don't know how long the appointment is for, I need to find out. Oh goodness, why am I doing this.
12-2 Library (aggression essay)
2-3 Social lecture
3.20-3.40 Dr C.
Evening- watch The White Ribbon, Christmas Cards, make secret santa present.
Go into town- Primark, Fopp, John Lewis (Christmas Shopping)
Christmas cards/ any Craft thing
4PM ESSAY DUE
Meeting with warden and JCR 7.30pm
7am get up and shower
9.15am appointment with Joanne Mitchell (ED service)
2-3pm Participant in Study (Psychology department)
12 NOON LAB DUE
Evening- All you can eat xmas meal with L-block
Social psychology 2-3pm
Getting picked up about 11am, home by 6pm ish for the next 4 weeks.
I might have more appointments, and I do have work to do...but I need to fill more time :/ I don't know what I'm doing about food at the moment. Tomorrow I kind of want to get soup or a jacket potato after my stats lecture. Saturday and Sunday 11.30am-1pm I can get a jacket potato from the dining hall but I don't know :/ . Next week I probably won't eat until Thursday because of the assessment and then the meal out on Thursday evening. I weighed myself this morning and my weight was still massively higher than last week. Massively higher than any weight this year I think. I don't know. I just can't remember when I was last this weight.
Ohhh I have found this place on campus that does smoothies though, and they accept the meal card so I can get a smoothie for £2.45/£2.95 depending on size and it is made with frozen fruit and juice from a squeezy juice machine. This leaves me with £2 on my meal card for rice cakes/ diet soda/ whatever. I mean I COULD get a jacket potato and a smoothie as I have a plain jacket potato which is £1.80. But that would probably be 500 calories all together.
I think if I walk into town plus doing everything else I can burn 800-1000 calories on Saturday/Sunday/Monday whenever I go.
Got distracted by ebay...1:21am now xxx