Tuesday, 13 December 2011

9 hours and 6 minutes

My appointment is in 9 hours. I'm really scared. I have 4 pages of maps so I (hopefully) won't get lost. I also have a list to give the woman when I go in that hopefully will help...

  • · I don’t know how long the appointment is so I don’t know how much to talk
  • · I usually get really upset in first appointments and walk out. This isn’t because I don’t want to talk to someone. Often it is because I’ve misinterpreted something someone has said. i.e “you’re a healthy weight” = “you’re fat and wasting my time”.
  • · I’m worried you’ll do this assessment and then say I’m fine / too fat
  • · I want to lose weight
  • · People keep talking to me about ‘giving up my eating disorder’ or being ready to. I don’t feel like I count as having an eating disorder, like I’ve just been misleading the doctors because I’m not underweight anymore and I know there are other eating disorders but there is so much stuff I’ve been told in the past that I don’t think they really count.

o Being in hospital made things a lot lot worse and a lot of the problems I have are linked to being in hospital.

  • · I make a lot of rules about coming to appointments which are in some ways counter-productive. When I’ve seen people in the past they’ve done things like not see me unless I would say I had eaten/ had water/ not walked there. Which pretty much meant I just lied to them. I really don’t want to do that whole thing now. I have rules around appointments but I come to appointments and that is because I do want help, it is just like one big fight inside myself all the time, I really don’t have the energy to be fighting or bartering with anyone else.
  • · The whole “What do you want from this?” question, I don’t know. People always want to set an 8-12 week goal and then that is the end but this isn’t about one thing, everyone has always focused on one thing such as weight or rituals but I’m one person and all my problems are meshed together!

o I do like structure because when I get on to hard subjects I will end up on a totally different topic or get stuck in silence. But when things are really structured (like just doing sheets) or time limited I just can’t do it.

I just really hope she is actually a reasonable person :/ I'm going christmas shopping afterwards.

This evening I had a commitee meeting with the warden. Afterward I told him I was struggling and that if things didn't improve by February then I think it would be best to resign from the comittee. He was really nice, he has OCD and had CBT for it. So I didn't feel completely mad, just because it means he will have sat in waiting rooms in psych clinics and met with therapists. It just means he isn't completely out of my world.

I'm sending a Christmas card with a letter in it to my old psych from CAMHS.

1 comment:

  1. It's going to be fine dear. Just try to remember that the therapists are trying their best to help you. We all want you to get better so you don't have to live with your eating disorder anymore. They don't just have you set goals for no reason. You are eventually going to do this and beat this. I hope it can be now, but if not, you'll get there sometime.

    Let us know how it goes.

    You are beautiful and no one thinks you are unworthy of treatment and help just because you aren't clinically underweight. Please don't worry.