I just re-read yesterday's blog (short novel). I'm glad I felt safe and okay...now I don't. I don't remember how it was to feel like that yesterday. I remember it feeling light - literally a weight off my shoulders. But I don't know how it happened, or whatnmdkowjdfiowjq.
Anyway, today I did work and went with Claire (friend) to her prize giving and did work and spoke to my mum for the first time in 3 weeks and work then I went to dinner and then I went to a film put on by the Women's Network.
- Speaking to my Mum.
It was okay. She thinks I was seeing the doctor a lot because of fainting. I know it doesn't seem logical telling her that when she knows I had an ED but I've been fainting my whole life. I told her my BP and she freaked a tad. Told me to make sure the doctor does something etc (it is 95 over 50).
I also told her about being in hospital last weekend, I had told my brother it was from dehydration due to food poisoning so I stuck with that. But I did add that because they went through all my history I got really upset and had to talk to some psych people. She knows I see Claire and it isn't like she has an issue with it I just don't want her to know how bad things are at the moment.
I really need to wear my retainer more often, this kills.
It was sweet and sour chicken (nuggets) rice or noodles, rice crackers. This is not unsurprisingly not something I would ever choose to eat. Behind me in the queue was the environmental officer for the committee I'm on. She is very fit (rows, goes to the gym etc.), she does not have an eating disorder (we've had several drunken conversations, I would know by now). But it effected how much I picked up (chicken was served, carbs were self-service) and then, though I was sitting with my friends in turn how much I ate.
- Women's Network Film
This is the first time I had been to anything organised by them so it was a bit awkward especially as there were only 6 of us and they all knew each other and I was jumping from over-talkative to quite, texting. Obviously most of the time we were watching the film (Imagine you & me) it was freezing in the room. It threw up the old sexuality question. Hmm.
Additionally I weighed myself this morning 1.5kg higher than the start of term. 5.5kg higher than 10 days ago. Obviously that is impossible, I did drink alcohol last night, I have spent the day peeing. I hope it is better tomorrow. I hate this complete inability to correctly perceive my size. I am 5 foot 4 and a size 6 or 8 in most items of clothing (UK sizes). I know that is not 'fat'. I have fat, I hate this.
I didn't think the doctor here thought I had an eating disorder. Yes he knows my history, yes he has referred me to eating disorder services, but I didn't think he thought I 'have an eating disorder'. You know when they say you don't have bulimia or anorexia and you don't know if they count ED-NOS?
I mean only 10 days ago I was explaining to a doctor that yes there had been some light red blood in my vomit but "I'm bulimic so I don't think it is anything to worry about". I'm NOT bulimic, I mean not in terms of diagnosis, but it is so confusing all the things I've been described as.
Severe food OCD, anorexia, anorexia type 2, weight-recovered anorexic, ED-NOS, "on your way to bulimia" blahblahblah.
As far as I know I have an appointment with Claire at 10am tomorrow. I need to talk to her about being terrified about my lab class tomorrow afternoon, about Christmas about help after Christmas. I'm meant to be getting a mentor but I want to know if she has heard anything more about the ED service. She said the other week she thought she knew who would be seeing me but I don't know because I have to have an assessment so ahh.
Probably sleep time.