Thursday, 1 December 2011

Can I just be frozen until the world works for me please?

Argh sick of my head sick of my head sick of my head. Apologies for the amount of blogging but it isn't like I'm making you read it so in all honesty; retraction of apologies.

Basically, I've decided Claire is sick of me, I don't have time to talk to Dr Connor tomorrow and he can't help anyway. Because Claire obviously ignored what I said because she thinks I'm attention seeking so he'll just think I am too.

AND THIS IS SO STUPID BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT MEANT TO FEEL YOURSELF GO CRAZY!!!

I seriously hate this so much. I feel so so so so so so SO big. I lost weight last week in hospital and I felt thin, I know even if I'd maintained that loss I'd have stopped feeling thin by now but I KNOW I've gained and I feel massive.

In the hospital when the doctor examined me my stomach went in a lot and my ribs were super countable (I was lying down) and my pj shorts kept slipping off my hip bones and I just felt like I was doing okay. Both the (dumb) doctors thought I still had anorexia when we went through my medical history (I don't fit the weight criteria, but I like the idea that they thought I did). Anyway being ill and losing made me (for some reason) think I could eat this week. And now I'm huge and there is no one left to talk to (professionals wise).

My weight probably doesn't even qualify for the ED referral anymore and they'll weigh me when I have an assessment and all this waiting will have been for nothing when they could have just referred me to a psychologist and I'd be waiting the same amount of time but wouldn't get turned down.

I want to talk to someone and them say it is okay and that they'll look after me. I'm going to be 30 and still wanting to be someone's surrogate child.

I HATE THIS. I hate how I'm thinking all the things that I spend time rationalising with other people, I hate how I can't see a way out.
I've always felt that far off things will be okay. When I was 12 it was when I would be 18 and "a grown-up" until now it was when I go to university. Now it is after my phd...I don't think I can make it that long.

I just feel so tired. I feel so sick of all of this.


I don't know whether to cancel my appointment with Dr Connor. If I go I might miss my train to Lissy's which would result in a mega meltdown...

2 comments:

  1. I wish you weren't feeling all this :/

    xx

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  2. Hey,
    I've been reading your blog and just wanted to say hi :) I wish you weren't feeling so down - I think it's absolutely ridiculous that we can't get referred to an ED clinic if we don't meet the weight requirements. The NHS has some crazy guidelines.
    I read your post about the healthy eating week at uni - I had a very similar yoga experience! Strange.
    Let me know if you fancy a text buddy (am also from the UK) - I'll always be here for you!
    Much love,
    AA xxx

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