Thursday, 8 December 2011

fuckfuckfuck

I have an Eating Disorder Service assessment on Wednesday 14th December... I didn't think I would be seeing them until January or February ahhh.
I don't know what to wear to not look fat and disgusting and just be turned away at the door. (Over dramatic I know).
It is with a psychologist who specialises in EDs, she is called Joanne. I'm not ready for this, I'm too fat and ahh.
It is also at 9.15am, I'm going to walk which means I need to leave at 7.50am- 8am. It isn't that I think the walking will make me lose weight but I will feel like I'm allowed to be there. I'm also going to avoid solid food...to be fair I'm doing that anyway but I now feel an increased urgency. i
I don't even know if I'm going to be weighed, as far as I know it is just the psychologist and me and they aren't concerned about my weight but fuck.
At the moment the only thing I feel I could wear are my tracksuit bottoms.

I have a lab class at 2pm. I don't want to go, really don't want to go. I hate the room, the lack of natural light, the whirring of the freezing air conditioning and 55 computers.

2 comments:

  1. Your meeting with Joanne is going to be so helpful. Just keep that in mind. No one is judging you by what you look like (and you're plenty thin, we already know that). This woman wants to help free you of your disordered thoughts and help you feel safe and get your life back. Don't be scared or worried dear.

    My class today is in the most freezing room too! I generally like the class, but by the end of the 3 hours, we're all sitting there with our coats on shivering.

    *big hugs*

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  2. I'm sorry it's coming quicker than expected but it will be okay - this way you can save months of anticipation and they can help you sooner :) your weight doesn't matter, it's very obvious you have an ED by your thoughts and habits as well, and you don't need to "prove" to them that you're ill or anything :(

    You're not being overdramatic, it's natural to worry about these things but honestly, they won't turn you away at the door :(

    You're not too fat. You're not even fat.

    I hope lab class went well :) xxx

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