Saturday, 10 December 2011

I don't know if I'm angry or upset or disappointed. A girl who is in her first year of a medical degree and though we've never been really close has been totally accepting of me and anyone she meants...her facebook status is "defo raped that ims exam". Just WHY??? I mean is that a good thing or a bad thing? Why do you need to talk about rape, trivioloise it and even say you have raped which in that sentence you have.
I don't think her status is going to go and turn someone in to a rapist but all the rape jokes make life a lot harder for me. I want to message her (she doesn't know I was ever raped and I don't plan on telling her) but I want her to see it is a stupid thing to write. But at the same time maybe I just should block her status' from coming up on my homepage? I don't know. I'm sick of fighting with everyone over points of view. Things I think can never be okay to say other people see as 'just a joke'.
I don't even know how I could phrase a message without it seeming like I am telling her off. Essentially I think it is a stupid thing to write and even worse because she is a medic and it doesn't seem like something she would have said before university.

I know I've picked up certain words into my vocabulary since I've been at university that I didn't use before, I certainly swear more (I never used to).

I hate it when I lose respect for people like this. I mean I prefer myself as a person that I don't respect people that say such stupid things but I hate it because it means I am never friends with them in the same way again.

Okay...sent her a message...

I know it isn’t really any of my business I should just not look at it or something. I’m really glad you did well in your exam (presuming that is what you mean anyway). I just think the phrasing of your status is…well to be honest I think it is a stupid choice of words. By that I don’t mean in any sense that I think you are stupid.

Rape is rape and obviously it is horrible and a crime and everything, I don’t think it can be used to describe anything other than rape. There are already enough rape jokes and people think they are just a joke but victims of rape don’t walk around with signs on their heads saying so, no one can know who they might upset, send into flashbacks or whatever else.

I’m really sorry if you think I’m being rude or a bitch or anything, you’re someone whose opinions I’ve always respected and you’re generally a pretty lovely person and I really want to meet up for drinks over Christmas (I think Alex would like to aswell, he thinks Nikki is really interesting conversation- as are you).

Again sorry if you think I should just ‘not read it’ or whatever, I really hope that isn’t your opinion though.

Well done with the exam


  1. I think you handled this really well - maybe the only thing I would add is the personal connection why you felt it was insensitive... that someone close to you was a victim of rape and that it's not a joke. Unfortunately, I don't think it will do much, but let's hope she is a lovely girl and will change her mind about using such phrasing in the future.

  2. Fortunately this is an example of lazy thoughtlessness rather than intentional cruelty, so she'll probably agree with you once it's been pointed out. Being labelled angry or humorless is less important than speaking up for everyone else who was or could be offended, like you were, and you handled it well, with grace. Maybe a few less apologies next time since you're in the right and not actually being rude?

    Sometimes I just link to relevent essays, like this recent one and save a deeper lecture for the willfully ignorant who insist a crime as common as sexual assault is still hilarious.

  3. From her profile it turns out it was a 'frape' (even that phrase annoys me) but she hasn't actually responded to my private message...

  4. You handled that very well... your message wasn't rude at all, but it addressed something that you felt you couldn't ignore, and that you shouldn't have to.


  5. agree that rape should not ever be joked about. joking about such a painful thing does trivialize it. you're right. thanks for standing up.