Monday, 19 December 2011

I don't think I can do this.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with being home for another 25 days. I've come home and I feel so tense, so uptight. It is how I used to ALWAYS feel but I didn't know it until I went away to university. University hasn't been perfect but there IS always someone to turn to. Friends I live with, friends on my course, Claire, the GP, you guys. Now I'm home and I'm scared to get the buses here, I'm desperate to go swimming but as a non member it is £4 and I'm scared they won't let me have a student membership. I am too scared to have the conversation incase I cry.
I went downstairs and told my mum I'm scared of everything, including walking to the dentist tomorrow. She didn't ignore me...but she didn't say "It'll be okay I'll/Dad'll take you". I've been away for 3 months, I live in a bubble on campus. One day a week I might go into town but it isn't very far at all and the buses run so frequently I don't have to worry about timetables.
But I'm here for 25 days, I need to write a lab report in the next ten days. I need to revise aka LEARN for my exams. I have no energy, I've unpacked my clothes but I have no floor space in my room because of all my stuff that has come home from university.

Yesterday I had 1533 calories, I have had similar today and will have roughly similar tomorrow depending if I purge my italian dinner out or not. Or if I count the calories I purge or not.

Then Wednesday to Friday I'm in London with Lissy and Lily so I will eat however much I feel like rather than parents getting involved and stuff. Christmas eve meal wise I can be average-low like less than 1000 easily but in the evening the Christmas biscuits and stuff will come out. TERRIFYING. Then Christmas Day is actually a very easy day to restrict for me. I mean not fast, I'll have Christmas dinner but mainly just Pheasant and vegetables with gravy :)

Then after that I think I'll probably be feeling so crap and argh with being at home I'll pretty much stop eating or start binging. Who can really predict.

I don't know how I'm going to cope at Easter. I have NO BLOODY IDEA what I'll do in the Summer. 3 MONTHS. AT. HOME.

I go 12 weeks at university during which time Tourette's did no rear its head except on very very few occasions. In the last 2 days I have had more tics than the entire 12 weeks. Also my parent's house is old and freezing and I can't get warm, this means I am constantly hungry.

I feel so so crap.


  1. I honestly mean it and am not just saying it, you can come to mine as much as you like- if it takes the pressure off at all.

    Rather than thinking of 25 days as a whole, think of the days individually. Like, think 1 day till you come to mine.
    I do think it'll get easier, you'll get more into the swing of it.

    Love you lots xxx

  2. I wish you could come spend the holiday with me. I'm having different, but related problems at home. I hate that I can't just be on my own schedule, eat the weird, same, limited things I like to actually eat, when I like to eat them and not have to worry about anyone being in my business.

    I always give this advice to everyone, but I hope you can manage to get some kind of exercise in, since it will help clear your head. I have never dealt with anxiety as a regular thing, but I occasionally experience it socially and have had one panic attack in my life during university. I know that it is crippling when it happens every once in a while so I can't imagine having to deal with it on a regular basis - can you call Claire or email her while you're home? Maybe that might help a bit.

    Please let me know if I can help you at all. I worry about you.