Saturday, 10 December 2011

people pull triggers and bullets fire

So the girl I sent the message to didn't write the status update, someone from her uni did it. And she is mildly offended that I thought she would write something like that.
Anyway this isn't even the issue (except through no actual fault of my own I feel like I'm in the wrong) it is just that I can't deal with rape even being mentioned without wanting to slice up my arms.
I helped my friend dye her hand and accidentally bleached some of my skin. I want to paint it on to my skin. I want to OD on my anti-depressants because my doctor mentioned it yesterday. I want to not eat until Thursday but I keep having things. Today I ate completely normally! I had Bran flakes, a starbucks light frappacino, pasta, a kitkat biscuit, a chocolate biscuit.
I bleached some parts of my hair but you can't really see it, I just did some highlights on the underlayers so it shows through a bit but looks like my hair in the summer pretty much.
I want to cut but I can't do it how I used to.

I think I've decided what I'm wearing to my appointment on Wednesday, I might change my mind but it felt okay wearing it today.

I didn't do any work the time we'd been to brunch it was noon then I was going to work but I called home to find out what my Dad wants for his birthday and christmas, then I chatted to my neighbour for awhile before three of us went into town. Once we were back we went to dinner then we spent about 3 hours chatting and bleaching and dying hair...then watched the film Submarine.

Eurgh why do I have to be so bothered by things? Why can't I just see a facebook status and just ignore it? I know I haven't done anything wrong but I feel in the wrong which is stupid.

Oh and I can't tell her I was raped because she was friends with the guy who raped me when I was 15 AFTER it happened and there is just no way she would believe that he would do it. Plus she might be like my other 'friend' and think I 'wanted it to happen' and just 'changed my mind' afterwards so decided to say I'd been raped...I can't deal with that.

I don't want to go home for Christmas.


  1. so she's friends with a rapist and would choose him over you? she'd think you wanted it? nice friend.
    That article someone linked in a comment on your last post... 1 in 20 guys has raped, he just didn't think the term "rape" applied.
    you're not being stupid. you have a right to your feelings.
    Many hugs to you. I kinda know where you are.. I never told my mom about the rape attempt i fought off cuz the attempt came from the boy i was dating at the time, and she liked me dating him.
    That was years ago obviously.. cuz i stopped dating boys in 2002. But thinking about it still hurts. i did tell 2 people tho, so if rapist touches me again he's gonna have 2 very muscley peeps coming after his male parts ^_^