Okay so I don't really have the energy to post, it is 1am but I just wanted to say that the formal dinner went fine and I'm still alive and not in hospital and stuff.
I felt pretty crappy at the beginning because I was on the end of the table and only had one person next to me who was another student and not exciting conversation, last formal dinner I had A PROPER CONVERSATION with the warden's partner about feminism and university politics. It was so nice to have a 'grown up' conversation.
But after dinner we went back to the senior common room and any of the students were allowed back there so my friend Claire came and we chatted to various people; other students, lecturers that were invited to dinner and the warden's partner. She said that Claire (nurse Claire) had said I was amazing and really interesting and "just an amazing student" and even though it is kind of embarrassing to be told that...it was really lovely! It also showed that Claire isn't fed up with me or pissed off with me or anything which is what I had been thinking...so generally it ended well. Ohh also Claire was quite tipsy but really properly said she wants to live with me, even if it ends up just being us two. I felt before like I was being the overly picky one but she isn't prepared to compromise on feeling happy and safe andomgi'mjustsogladsheismyfriend. She is the one that came to the hospital with me and saw of my psycho stuff and it hasn't effected anything except her knowing more so I have to lie less/ can actually honestly mention the past. Like whenever people talk about GCSE's at school (age 14-16) I can't really say anything because I was in hospital but now if Claire and I chat I can just say. Ideally we'd both like to live in a larger mixed house just so there is more going on and also so if one of us is away for the weekend (her boyfriend is at a different uni and she goes hiking, I go to London etc) then the other isn't on their own and therefore bored/lonely.
Claire and I came back and went with everyone else into the girl who lives downstairs (but has a small appartment within our block) and chilled out and everyone showed their houses on google street view (we're from all over the UK, 2 Australians and 1 Bulgarian) except that Bulgaria doesn't have google street view yet.
Tomorrow we both have to do work so the plan is to be up by 9, work until 11.40 walk to her depatment office and get a form, my department and get a form, go to the student union for lunch (ah!) then be back by 2pm to do more work. So we have a break which included fresh air and a couple of miles walking (like 2 miles maximum but still 'exercise') .
I actually feel safe, I don't know when I last felt like that. I'm worried about not feeling safe again but I actually feel like I could talk to people if I needed to whereas last week it felt like all my options for help had gone.
I saw Dr C today, he was really nice. We mainly talked about mental health stuff but also he said I have IBS and suggested two things to help. I'm seeing Claire on Thursday morning and Dr C again on Friday afternoon.