Tuesday, 31 January 2012

03/02/2002

On Friday/ Sunday it is 10 years since I was first attacked. It happened on the 3rd which is Friday but it happened on a Sunday so I more count the Sunday. SO basically the whole weekend is going to be shit. I'm already having more vivid memories. I don't know if they count as flashbacks or not because I'm not completely out of it when it happens. I can be sat in a lecture, I can remember it and that means feeling it but I can still hear the lecture and see the lecture.
Anyway...how not to end up in hospital this weekend? Or do I want to go to hospital just so I can lose it, but what if I cry and remember and do stuff and they then try and lock me up? I don't know.
I've emailed Claire asking her what to do.

Saturday, 28 January 2012

Why do we all think we are fakes?

As a starting point I should say I do not believe the media is a cause for Eating Disorders though I do think it is an ongoing trigger and triggers are things that stop you recoving - like environmental craving regardless of physical addiction to drugs. Additionally I think that there is very little difference between an anorexic and a bulimic except their coping mechanism (in my experience, I'm willing to be proved wrong).

Many of us, at least on blogger, tumblr, forums etc. describe ourselves as selfish, attention seeking, fakes, not really ill and many other things in denial of our Eating Disorders (EDs). This is in partly the nature of the ED, we cannot see we are thin - or ill if we are not thin - or both. However I think this is where society and the media play their biggest role in triggering EDs (preventing recovery) is that firstly they portray this image of an ED as firstly Anorexia Nervosa (AN) and AN alone and secondly that an Anorexic is emaciated. Images shown of Anorexics often have a BMI of less than 15 whereas the diagnostic GUIDE to diagnosing Anorexia is 17.5. So as ED'd people without the capacity to objectively view our bodies we are shown images of people who may be 15lbs lighter that ourselves whilst still being diagnosable as AN (assuming average female height- 5 feet 5 inches (France and Northern America)). This then makes it much harder to recognise yourself as 'anorexic'. If you don't see yourself as ill how can you work towards being better?
This is further complicated if you are not in the AN category but infact (like more people) Bulimic or (like most ED'd people) ED-NOS. People of normal weights diet, a lot of overweight people diet so maybe we're just on some crazy 'diet'. It involves restricting calories and fasting and exercising but hey this is a 'healthy lifestyle change'. It may also (or only) involve binging and purging but even then we do not like to think of this as illness, more a fault, a slip, our inability to 'stick to the rules' the rules that are infact an Eating Disorder. The Eating Disorder. And we aren't skinny and we maybe aren't even physically ill according to blood tests, just tired, the odd chest pain, achey.

But we are ill, and we keep thinking we're not, thinking we're pretending and this is just something we could snap out of if we wanted to...or if we just got thin enough.

Or maybe we want to die, we're sick of it and we want to die but I've known people, sick enough to die, still not think they are really ill, still feigning control over the situation because they aren't the very image of anorexic in their eyes.


This was much more poigniant and well thought out when I started writing it yesterday. It stemmed from thinking to myself that I had done 'well'. Instead of getting upset and cutting and ruining the evening (a party). I got upset, spoke to a friend and calmed down. Going to sleep I thought 'well done' but SLAM into that thought came that it wasn't really well done, because I'm not really ill. I could 'do well' anytime, I shouldn't be proud of myself because I'm a horrible, lying, attention seeking, faker. Then I realised they were precisely the thoughts that not only defined my mental illnesses but trapped me in them.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

AWAKE....kinda...not

It is 5:11am and I’ve been awake for an hour and twenty minutes. I really just want an off switch between 11pm and 8am. Instead right now I’m wide awake, which is fine, I’ve had 6 hours but daytime radio isn’t even on yet. I have 3 hours before campus cafes are open. I don’t like being awake this long. You inevitably eat more.

My group of friends spilt into a 6 and a 4 for houses next year however a person from each group dropped out leaving a 5 and a 3. I’m in the 5, I like everyone in that group and we’ve already looked at one house, we’re seeing 3 more today. But last night the group of 3 sat us down and said they understood we’re happy in a five but would we live in a 4 and a 4 nextdoor to eachother. However…I do not want to live with one of the girls in the 3. She triggers me so so so much. She isn’t a horrible person at all, a tad annoying but she triggers me about food or whatever then I restrict or cut or whatever. I don’t want to CHOOSE to live with her. If you live in university halls (U.S dorms) you just get put anywhere, some blocks are female only but mainly it is just a mix of everyone. I have been really lucky, everyone I live with is nice. But I wouldn’t choose to live with this girl and the idea of it meant I cut more yesterday that I would have :(

06:57

Still awake, dressed, everything. I've summerised 3 houses we are looking at today (as a group of 5). I like all of them and they are all in a better location than the one yesterday because they are 2 minutes from campus. This means I can easily get home if I need a rest or for some reason need a shower or something and or that I don't have to lug 10kg of books around al day. Though I do have a new rucksack :) *searches for picture* I can't find one because they've stopped selling them online. Yeh...if you remember that rucksack I was making last summer...still not finished :/ probz going to give it to Lissy if I ever do finish it.

I think I'm going to get breakfast with my friends just cause I have nothing else to do... :O

I got some sleeping meds yesterday. I went to see Claire in a state and she got me in with an emergency doctors appointment. So I actually slept last night, though I'm still tired but hopefully things will improve.
I have the shakes...still might not be sitting my exam tomorrow. I'll have scales by Monday :D :S

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Today I only walked 4.3km compared to yesterday's 8.6, so exactly half the distance, less than half the calories and less than half the fat burned (because more has come from the odd step here and there rather than sustained walking).
I met with Claire and the career's advisor. I found out if I transfer courses I'll stay on the current fees :D (UK uni fees increase to £9000 in September for new undergrads, the current maximum is £3225). So I still need to apply to change, but if I can't change at least it'll be an academic reason not a financial one.

I ate half a cookie (210), salad (10) and curly fries (500?!) plus hot chocolate (100) and coffee (60).

Which I feel really bad about but adding up the calories it isn't too bad.

My friend's and I are viewing a house to rent next academic year on Friday before my last exam. Quite exciting.

I have a blood test at 12.20pm tomorrow. I'm only having water before it, I don't want my blood glucose to show I've eaten. I know it is stupid. Normally I'd have coffee so it isn't that different. Fat.

Sleeeeepy

I'm a bit concerned because I left my room unlocked last night and then I had to log in to my blog just now and I ususally leave my google logged in. I'm probably being paranoid but I just feel suspicious that someone has looked on it. Hmm.

I'm still really tired but I got woken up by someone talking loudly at 8:20 when I could have slept in as late as I wanted. That was an hour ago and I've given up trying to get back to sleep. Which means I should get dressed and start studying :/

I'm pretty sure I'll get my scale back for Thursday so I can weigh myself then. Cue meltdown or moderate happiness.

Urg! I just want to not be tired!!!

Monday, 23 January 2012

Sprawled

Well my ethernet cable broke so I'm currently using a super short one and am thus sprawled across the floor of my room...
So far today I've walked 8.5km, I walked 30ish last week. I don't have my scales so I measured myself again. I'm down an inch everywhere except my bum, which as ever is MASSIVE!
Since the OD I've felt like a zombie, half awake, tired but unable to sleep, inpatient and shaking.
I saw Claire (mental health worker) this afternoon, had a brief chat about the OD. I think I really have to stop doing it. She said it really wasn't okay. I guess it isn't.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

If I binge and purge will it show in my bloods?

So I know people don't really read my blog anymore (yes I'm sad enough to look at my blogger stats)..but oh well.

I want to binge and purge. Or at least, I want to shop for a binge and purge.


I have a blood test on Wednesday.

Sorry

Hey, I OD'd on Friday evening so I'm sorry I haven't been in touch with people, particularly Lissy, Lily and Shannice.
I'm okay, just really tired and a tad zombie like.
Crisis team are getting in touch on Monday with me and/or Claire. I think.

Dr C. said he Clare and ED team are having a meeting next week to sort out a plan. From what he said I don't think I'm going to this meeting.

Anyway, I'm sorry and I'm okay.

xxx

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Cognitive Psychology exam

I should be spending my last 15 minutes revising but I just don't feel like I can take anymore in. I only started revising for this exam YESTERDAY, I did about 8 hours...well more like 7, I drank A LOT of coffee so was peeing every 20 minutes.
I feel like I've covered enough to pass though and this module is worth twice as much as my others. I got 69% in my coursework which means I already have 17% as a module grade so I need...30% in the exam to pass the module...I think! (It is 25% coursework and 75% exam).
I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon, a bit worried about it..well, very worried. Need to talk to him about chest pains, fainting and my thoughts/ plans to OD. Joy.


Wednesday, 18 January 2012

I feel like shit. I'm being shit, I don't think I even replied to Lissy's text yesterday. I just want to sleep forever. It is day three back at university and I'm already thinking about what pills I've got and what I could do and nothing has even really gone wrong.
I want to tell Claire but I feel too fat and too much of a fake.

Monday, 16 January 2012

Winter at University

I got up this morning. I left at 9 and walked for an hour before my appointment with Claire at 10. There was frost so the whole place was white, and the lake had very thin ice all the way across. It was pretty and quite. Seeing Claire was okay, we actually talked a lot more about feelings than we usually do, we did the practical side too. We talked about clothes sizes and basically how not being able to wear age 13-14 would be a worry for me, like if I didn't fit in them then I would think I was fat(ter). And that being anything over a size 8 (US 4) would full on freak me out. Erm. ED services do want to see me, she is trying to sort it out with my GP so that I see this person she thinks would work for me. I think an ED nurse called James.
I have meeting next Wednesday with Claire and a man from careers to talk about changing degree :)
Then I met with my new mentor Chris. She is really nice, I'm meeting her at 8:45am tomorrow before my 9am exam just to check everything is okay. She is getting in touch with this person who helps people access sport and exercise about a fitness class I could do like yoga...basically low intensity 'healthy exercise'.
Then I went to the Psychology building and gave in my letter saying I have extenuating circumstances in these exams because i iz crazeee.
Saw my friends, we went and bought lots of pencils for our exam.
Came back and dyed my hair because of some random orange bits. Now I have my standard dark brown hair. (The orange parts were from where my neighbour and I bleached some random bits last term, then I henna'd my hair red, it washed out = orange).
I wasn't going to eat today...but then I went to dinner and had green beans, lettuce and a piece of bread.

THEN we talked about who is going to live with who next year...basically it is probably going to end up my friend Claire and I finding a place together then the others in two houses of four. Because otherwise I have to live with a girl I don't like, or Claire has to live with a guy she is scared of (when he is drunk). But I'm okay with that...I guess I feel a bit worried that if I go psycho or an a moody depressed person it won't be fun for her :/

I walked 7km which is 4.3 miles. Better than nothing I guess.

Friday, 13 January 2012

So I'm largely failing on the whole commenting front at the moment. I go back to university on Sunday...kinda pretty much preparing to sink in to a world where I walk a lot and don't eat much and go a bit crazy...hmm
Had 650 today and walked 7km (which burns less than 200 calories by the way)
Saw Lissy which was lurvely. Got £4 boots (matching whoop...as in Felicity and I match as well as the left and right boot o.O)
huuuummm yeh...so basically not commenting because I'm reteating into the selfish world of eating disordered-ness..

Thursday, 12 January 2012

I feel a bit lost. I have one proper day at home left, it feels like it has crept up so quickly. Then Saturday I have to pack everything up then Sunday is travelling and unpacking.
I don't even want to think beyond that because I told Claire I'd lost a little bit of weight and she is going to see me and think I'm a liar because I look really pudgy. Anyway.
So I really want to do something...but everything seems scary and ahh. Like I want to go out but it is really cold to walk the dog down by the sea which is where my dad normally takes her. I might suggest the woods. I want to take the bikes to the woods but my bike is in Nottingham and my brother's bike is too big for me...
I could go shopping but there is nothing I want except more funky socks, some plain which t-shirts to decorate for people and... yep that is it. I used to find shopping really...I don't know kind of relaxing? I mean I always get anxious going out but I'd find something that was a really good bargain or something and that was nice. Now I'm just not that bothered.
I could suggest going out with my brothers in the evening but that would involve food which is a bit too much of a stress. I don't know. I could go to Nandos and have a chicken burger and frozen yoghurt for just under 500 calories. Buuuut last time we went there it was REALLY noisy so we couldn't really talk. Hmm..


emails and exams

Claire emailed me back. She said that she can put in extenuating circumstances for my exams... she is calling the ED service today because they have given me another appointment but it is with the same stupid woman so she is going to see if I can see someone else.
I feel massive today, I ate so much yesterday. ick.
I need to do some work...I've at least got it out infront of me. I just haven't actually done any yet...

I wrote a reply to Claire but I haven't sent it because it ended up really long and it was kind of cathartic just to write it without sending it.

This was part of it:

I don't know what to do on the ED service front because I don't think talking to someone is going to make things better. Whatever definition food and I fall into it has taken up nearly five and a half years of my life, I haven't done a lot of things I would have, I didn't do as well at school or college, I'm not doing as well at university. I spend a lot of time not being able to enjoy myself because I feel fat, awkward, like I'm expanding or because I can't eat or drink what everyone else is unless I'm going to slip off and throw up. I spent more hours of my A-levels swimming than studying and basically no time with any friends. Half the time since I started my periods I haven't had them which given my family's history of osteoporosis probably means something is going to break. I've lied to every single person I know, there isn't anyone who I've told the absolute truth to.
I feel like there is so much to sort out and I'm never going to have enough time. ED services aren't going to take me seriously because I'm not thin and as much as that might not be the definition of an ED I don't beleive that people who spend 90% of their working life with emaciated people don't look at me and think I can't be as bad. And I'm not saying I'm as bad but just the assumptions and expectations that come from not being thin.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

All I can think about is how much weight I can lose when I go back to university. I probably won't because I'm weak and all that. I like to think about it though.
Walking walking walking walking walking walking. Skipping more meals than I can at home. Swimming, walking more.
I'm going to fail my exams and probably end up doing numerous other stupid things.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

This is what I emailed Claire (mental health person) today, pretty much explains it:

The holidays haven’t been that great. I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail my exams because I haven’t done enough work. Eating has been all over the place so I’ve been really tired. I know I’m just making excuses and I should just eat, drink, take meds >> revise = pass exams. But I haven’t, I haven’t really done anything else either, even ignoring revision it is a month’s holiday I could have done loads of things but I seem to have spent most of the time asleep or staring at my bedroom wall.
What happens if I fail my exams? Has anything happened with the ED service, I don’t think I want to go back. She said I used to have an eating disorder i.e. I don’t now and I’ve lost barely any weight over Christmas. I can’t deal with the confusion about it all. Most of the time I think I don’t have an eating disorder so then I get referred and I get an appointment and I start to think that maybe I do but then I go and all she talks about is when I was younger when I used to have an eating disorder. So then (even though I think she is an idiot) think I was referred just so Dr Connor could hammer home his original statement of “you’re not at a critical weight” i.e. you’re too fat to have a problem. Which given I’ve had plenty of better conversations with him since is completely stupid and everything but it just backs up what I think.
If I fail my exams then I have to leave university which means I have to move home permanently which means there is no one to talk to either friends or doctors or anyone. So I wouldn’t have any positives. Despite being pretty rubbish on a weekly basis at university I do have friends and I do normal things. I don’t have that at home and I’m going to fail my exams.

Tuesday

It is Tuesday but it feels like Monday because I was still in London with Lissy yesterday. I'm really tired, though I've slept for three nights now. I went to the orthodontist this morning, then drove around with my Dad looking for some specific paint, he parked in a parent and child carpark space which was kinda cute (just to clarify, the carpark was empty, we weren't making parents struggle with their buggies!). Then he let me drive which was cool as we didn't argue, we usually do when I drive.
Now I'm home and in 5 days I'm going back to university and I need to revise but at the same time I just want to snuggle in bed and drink hot chocolate and relax a bit.
I weighed myself at Lissy's and I'd lost some weight, not a lot just a few pounds but nice to know.

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Seeing Lissy, Seeing Lissy, Seeing Lissy

Seeing Lissy, seeing Lissy, seeing Lissy. And A and M and H-L. Seeing Lissy, seeing Lissy, seeing Lissy. Then everything will feel alright again because to crazy people make a sane one just like two negatives make a positive (mathematically speaking). It isn't as good as the triangle. Lissy, Lily and I. That is a pretty ace triangle, structurally sound and everything. Because a pyramid just holds one person up.

I'm going to sleep, I'm going to feel okay even if I end up crying, I'm going to have starbucks and buy a pencil case.

Friday, 6 January 2012

Lack of suitably witty or depressing title

I feel a bit like crying. I'm not sure why.

I'm staying with Lissy tomorrow evening until Monday.

I didn't do any revision today, I went shopping and didn't buy anything. Constructive.

I want to weigh myself at Lissy's BUT I don't want to end up being a state and her having to deal with it.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Everything is frustrating me today. I'm not going to explain it all because they are all small things and I'll just get wound up again.

I had a missed call from a withheld number, usually that means a doctor of some sort has tried to call me but I don't see why anyone would have done. I've turned on my voicemail now so if I miss another call I might have a chance of figuring out who it is from.

My back really hurts, probably from sitting around not doing anything for so long. I don't have a desk so I revise on my bed, probably not so good for my spine being slouched over. I would use the dining table but I don't want people around whilst I'm revising, plus it is even colder down there.

Blog post

Need to revise but I just can't make myself pick up and open my books!!! I want to be in London with Lissy just chilling otu and having fun. At home even if I'm not getting work done my head doesn't get a break.
We went out for my brother's birthday yesterday. Food. Then my brother and I went to a pub and chatted. Talked about university and stuff, I mentioned food. He didn't realise that I restricted on purpose and he didn't realise I (used to) make myself sick... we've had conversations about it. I told him that the woman I saw was from the EATING DISORDER service. The other day I said that I've had some sort of eating disorder for over five years. What the hell did he think I was on about when I was saying that? What the hell did he think was going on when I was in hospital??
Logged into that website again...I had 90 messages. The website sends out messages 'from' me to random guys so then they think I'm interested, I mean some had just messaged me but still. Not going back on it. I did delete the email address but I can't delete my membership on the site and it doesn't expire for 20 years... (you have to call this phone number to do it).
I am just so tired, I haven't even done anything but I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. My house is cold :(

If you were that anon and you're reading this could you get back to me?

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

3pm

I have officially done nothing with my day. It is SO cold, really looking forward to going back to university because I will have double glazed windows and drafts won't blow through my room.

So I got some anonymous messages on tumblr today. Mainly what confused me is that is said "we do care" in the second one, who is 'we' ??? I don't know if they mean 'we the people on tumblr'? or if it is people who know me in real life or what.

I don't know why they had to do it on anon. If it wasn't on anon I would've just messaged them back and not published it on their or my page. If they do actually know me they I wish they'd just facebook message me or text or call me. Even if it someone I don't like.

I don't think it is someone who knows me in real life because I think most people I know would have used capital letters etc. and the phrasing "search help" doesn't sound like the sort of thing an English person would say? I don't know.

The also said "no one can tell you you're sane" which isn't the kind of thing I think someone who knows me would say. Gee, thanks for saying I'm crazy.

Anyway, other than that, I haven't done anything today. I do however feel like taking a nap.

aujourd'hui

I think I'm feeling better today than yesterday...except I'm not revising. Anyway, the lovely deleted my account on that website for me, and I've deleted the email address. It wasn't some sort of sexual desire it was me...just wanting to get hurt. Anyway, big fuss over nothing, I'm sorry.

It is my brother's birthday and I think we're going out for dinner :/
My mum is pissed off with me because I screamed at my dad yesterday. Everything is fine with my dad, he thought my messy room was a sign of depression being worse and anyway I just got really upset and he would leave to I screamed at him til he did... my mum is annoyed because it 'made her feel ill' and eurgh, if my dad is fine with me (I apologised, we talked) then why is she bleugh with me?

I WANT TO GO BACK TO UNI.

So scared I'm going to fail my exams.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Screwed up thoughts cont.

I don't know why I am doing this. I don't understand. I said awhile ago that I felt I should be predictable in my crazyness by now. But I'm not.
I joined a website...fulll of men...wanting sex. I don't know why. I really don't know why I want to be hurt. This is kind of the thing your meant to talk to therapists or something about...but I can't say it. I'm amazed I'm writing it on here.
I just don't understand myself. I keep getting messages on the site, people saying what they'd do to me. And for me it isn't some sort of fantasy to be told those things by an overweight man on the internet but...I guess like people says it just is like self harm. Like, oh I don't know.

I should be revising. Screwed up thoughts.

My bank just called me and were on about this personal accident insurance that would cover me up to £200,000 anywhere in the world. I said I wasn't interested, he politely asked why, I said "I'm 19, to be honest, I just don't care!" which he understood and we said goodbye.
It is true, I'm just not that interested (plus we hadn't even got onto the terms and conditions) however I also don't think I'm 'worth' £200,000 I mean urgh I don't mean it like that...I just I JUST DON'T CARE!
Started thinking about sex a lot the past two days like how I want to use it to screw myself up more. Like, I would genuinely sleep with someone for money because I JUST DON'T CARE. I want someone to hit me and hurt me and not in some odd fetish way. I don't know why. Even when I was still in primary school I used to kind of hope someone would just hit me. I don't know why.
I can't believe I just wrote that on here.

I mean I know you could theorise that it was because I was raped and stuff but...I think I might even have wanted to just be hit before that? I don't remember.

I mean I would like a normal relationship but for some screwed up reason I think I'd find a bad relationship easier because you don't have to give your emotions over.

Kind of worries me.

Monday, 2 January 2012

scared. SO MUCH. fat.

I don't know how I feel except a bit scared, a bit anxious. I organised my revision today, what I need to go over. THERE IS SO MUCH.
Physiology and Pharmacology is going to take up SO MUCH time.
Cognitive I can do, I know I can do it, just WHEN?
Social psychology...a bit vague, I don't know, I think I just need to read through the lectures oh and read the 2 inch textbook...
Addiction...not even going to think about as it isn't until the 27th.

I go back to uni on Sunday 15th. The 16th I have 2 appointments and I've got to finish organising the destress during exams event... ironic huh.
Tuesday 17th I have two exams.

Today I didn't wake up until almost 1pm AGAIN. I need to get back into a routine so I can get work done, so I can have SOME time when I'm not writing out notes or reading.

I've had probably 400 calories already (5.15 pm) don't know what is happening about dinner. I have covered 3% today of the revision for ONE module. :(

I feel fat and horrible. I need to do work the next 2 weeks but at the same time I want to be back at university now. I don't want to go back to lectures. I don't want to go back to being welfare rep. I'm not even that desperate to see my friends even though I miss them. I just want to be able to not eat and exercise and cry and talk to people who care. I want to know what is happening with the ED service. I want to just shrink into myself and study for the next 2 weeks...I need to get up earlier.

I want things to be tidy and neat and organised and my life at home is NOT. My life at uni last term was NOT, but I can BE that way. I can.

A few weeks ago I was crying in starbucks with Lissy and Lily about feeling fat, eating too much, eating a 'skinny' starbucks muffin (271- peach and raspberry). They were saying I WAS ill, it is is all just bullshit. I don't mean that they are lying. I mean that I am leading them to think I am when I'm not. If I really was I would have lost WAY more weight at university, I had 12 weeks, I could have done, but I didn't.


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Just want to disappear. 19.8.

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Oh yeah it is 2012 8 *New Year theme*

I have to start revising and do MORE laundry tomorrow. I have about two more loads to do...and a lot of tidying.
Feeling super huge but I know it is partly because I've eaten biscuits and also because I am bloated... trying to stay kinda calm about it.

I don't really know what to say...a lot happened in 2011 but at the same time it doesn't feel like an awful lot....nothing that (unusually) dramatic anyway.


Essentially resolutions are:

* to be tidier
* to be more organised with studying