Thursday, 12 January 2012

emails and exams

Claire emailed me back. She said that she can put in extenuating circumstances for my exams... she is calling the ED service today because they have given me another appointment but it is with the same stupid woman so she is going to see if I can see someone else.
I feel massive today, I ate so much yesterday. ick.
I need to do some work...I've at least got it out infront of me. I just haven't actually done any yet...

I wrote a reply to Claire but I haven't sent it because it ended up really long and it was kind of cathartic just to write it without sending it.

This was part of it:

I don't know what to do on the ED service front because I don't think talking to someone is going to make things better. Whatever definition food and I fall into it has taken up nearly five and a half years of my life, I haven't done a lot of things I would have, I didn't do as well at school or college, I'm not doing as well at university. I spend a lot of time not being able to enjoy myself because I feel fat, awkward, like I'm expanding or because I can't eat or drink what everyone else is unless I'm going to slip off and throw up. I spent more hours of my A-levels swimming than studying and basically no time with any friends. Half the time since I started my periods I haven't had them which given my family's history of osteoporosis probably means something is going to break. I've lied to every single person I know, there isn't anyone who I've told the absolute truth to.
I feel like there is so much to sort out and I'm never going to have enough time. ED services aren't going to take me seriously because I'm not thin and as much as that might not be the definition of an ED I don't beleive that people who spend 90% of their working life with emaciated people don't look at me and think I can't be as bad. And I'm not saying I'm as bad but just the assumptions and expectations that come from not being thin.

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