Tuesday, 3 January 2012

I should be revising. Screwed up thoughts.

My bank just called me and were on about this personal accident insurance that would cover me up to £200,000 anywhere in the world. I said I wasn't interested, he politely asked why, I said "I'm 19, to be honest, I just don't care!" which he understood and we said goodbye.
It is true, I'm just not that interested (plus we hadn't even got onto the terms and conditions) however I also don't think I'm 'worth' £200,000 I mean urgh I don't mean it like that...I just I JUST DON'T CARE!
Started thinking about sex a lot the past two days like how I want to use it to screw myself up more. Like, I would genuinely sleep with someone for money because I JUST DON'T CARE. I want someone to hit me and hurt me and not in some odd fetish way. I don't know why. Even when I was still in primary school I used to kind of hope someone would just hit me. I don't know why.
I can't believe I just wrote that on here.

I mean I know you could theorise that it was because I was raped and stuff but...I think I might even have wanted to just be hit before that? I don't remember.

I mean I would like a normal relationship but for some screwed up reason I think I'd find a bad relationship easier because you don't have to give your emotions over.

Kind of worries me.


  1. Strangely, this I can relate to... I have always had this strange desire for others to hurt me, which I don't understand. Bleh. Kind of worrisome.

    I feel like banks should call a certain demographic for that sort of thing, what kind of 19 year old is insured for accidents up to £200,000, anyway? Not that you're not worth it, but still, xxx

  2. You recognize your thoughts as unhealthy, that's mostly what counts in the end. I've never been in an abusive relationship but used an emotionally neglectful one in much the same way, to avoid affection I didn't deserve and to have his selfish assholery justify my own. Moral of the story: don't let anyone else determine your self-worth.

  3. I think its a form of self harm/ destruction like cutting or od'ing or anything else, and its "normal" I think to have thoughts of other ways to destruct. Its easy to re-form memories too, so I doubt you can ever know whether you felt it before or after what happened. The obvious answer is "don't do it" but I know that's not all that helpful, but I think if you think of it as a form of self harm thoughts it seems less of a scary thought process- I don't mean that to say it should be do-able by any means! I mean so your own mind seems less insane. I dunno. Love you xxx