Monday, 2 January 2012

scared. SO MUCH. fat.

I don't know how I feel except a bit scared, a bit anxious. I organised my revision today, what I need to go over. THERE IS SO MUCH.
Physiology and Pharmacology is going to take up SO MUCH time.
Cognitive I can do, I know I can do it, just WHEN?
Social psychology...a bit vague, I don't know, I think I just need to read through the lectures oh and read the 2 inch textbook...
Addiction...not even going to think about as it isn't until the 27th.

I go back to uni on Sunday 15th. The 16th I have 2 appointments and I've got to finish organising the destress during exams event... ironic huh.
Tuesday 17th I have two exams.

Today I didn't wake up until almost 1pm AGAIN. I need to get back into a routine so I can get work done, so I can have SOME time when I'm not writing out notes or reading.

I've had probably 400 calories already (5.15 pm) don't know what is happening about dinner. I have covered 3% today of the revision for ONE module. :(

I feel fat and horrible. I need to do work the next 2 weeks but at the same time I want to be back at university now. I don't want to go back to lectures. I don't want to go back to being welfare rep. I'm not even that desperate to see my friends even though I miss them. I just want to be able to not eat and exercise and cry and talk to people who care. I want to know what is happening with the ED service. I want to just shrink into myself and study for the next 2 weeks...I need to get up earlier.

I want things to be tidy and neat and organised and my life at home is NOT. My life at uni last term was NOT, but I can BE that way. I can.

A few weeks ago I was crying in starbucks with Lissy and Lily about feeling fat, eating too much, eating a 'skinny' starbucks muffin (271- peach and raspberry). They were saying I WAS ill, it is is all just bullshit. I don't mean that they are lying. I mean that I am leading them to think I am when I'm not. If I really was I would have lost WAY more weight at university, I had 12 weeks, I could have done, but I didn't.

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Just want to disappear. 19.8.


  1. I care. I care sosososososo much. And you are ill. You tell me I'm ill but can't see it. Its the same thing. You can't see it and the very fact that you can't see it is part of the way in which you are ill! I love you xxx

  2. I'm sorry you have so much work to do :/ have you made a revision plan? Panicking isn't going to help (hypocrite alert!) so try and calm yourself and make sure you have plenty of breaks :(

    It's not bullshit, you are ill. You wouldn't feel like this, or lose and sacrifice all you have if you werent ill :(

    (and, to add to lissy's point, it is definitely like she said about how you/we tell her shes ill and she doesn't see it, this is just like that :( I'm sorry you can't see it but you are so ill)

    I hope you feel better soon sweetie, lots of love, xxxxx

  3. I hope you get all your revision under control, being stressed about work is the worst feeling..
    I hope you get the help you need, I really do
    Love C x

  4. Oh lovey - Lissy and Lily are right. Things are going to be a lot better when you get back in your space at Uni and can see your psych people. Please just try and hang on for a few more days. You shouldn't feel guilty over a muffin, no one should. We care about you and are here for you. If there is anything else I can do to help, like edit a paper or something? Please let me know.

  5. Well, that sounds like a brain explosion to rival all others. There must seem to be too many things going on at once, and you can't possibly take them all on simultaneously. I mean, I'm sure you'll get through it, but I do wish you weren't so overwhelmed. This is a weird, cyclical, useless comment. The point is, you're great, good luck.