This is what I emailed Claire (mental health person) today, pretty much explains it:
The holidays haven’t been that great. I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail my exams because I haven’t done enough work. Eating has been all over the place so I’ve been really tired. I know I’m just making excuses and I should just eat, drink, take meds >> revise = pass exams. But I haven’t, I haven’t really done anything else either, even ignoring revision it is a month’s holiday I could have done loads of things but I seem to have spent most of the time asleep or staring at my bedroom wall.
What happens if I fail my exams? Has anything happened with the ED service, I don’t think I want to go back. She said I used to have an eating disorder i.e. I don’t now and I’ve lost barely any weight over Christmas. I can’t deal with the confusion about it all. Most of the time I think I don’t have an eating disorder so then I get referred and I get an appointment and I start to think that maybe I do but then I go and all she talks about is when I was younger when I used to have an eating disorder. So then (even though I think she is an idiot) think I was referred just so Dr Connor could hammer home his original statement of “you’re not at a critical weight” i.e. you’re too fat to have a problem. Which given I’ve had plenty of better conversations with him since is completely stupid and everything but it just backs up what I think.
If I fail my exams then I have to leave university which means I have to move home permanently which means there is no one to talk to either friends or doctors or anyone. So I wouldn’t have any positives. Despite being pretty rubbish on a weekly basis at university I do have friends and I do normal things. I don’t have that at home and I’m going to fail my exams.