Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
I am still glad that I don't have to go to ED, I mean I am still going in September, I still have to do it all. I'm just glad I don't have to do it now.
So until then I'm going to see Dr Connor once a week and Claire once a week and they'll put in extra things if needed. I kind of want it on paper. A proper plan.
However, much as I don't feel able to make goals or stick to anyone else's goals for me (bar finish and pass the year)...I feel a bit lost not having any. I was meant to be adding more things to my diet but I haven't really got anywhere with it. I've now cut more things. I have no desire for any of my safe foods. I have a lot of hot chocolate. I'm not planning on having anything until Thursday, or until whenever. I mean I probably will but at the moment...I just don't want anything.
I'm such a loser.
I'm not really that bothered, it is an extra stress I don't have to deal with. It doesn't change the amount of weight I want to lose (asmuchaspossible) or the period of time I want to lose it in (assoonaspossible).
I almost like it, it gives me an excuse "I am not well enough to get better".
I'm in quarantine. Being examined, measured, weighed and they are waiting to see how it turns out. If I'm really a monster or alien species.
Friday, 24 February 2012
I probably need to stop having that as my goal.
I saw Claire today, went a bit loopy on her but it was okay. I was going to run for university disability officer but I withdrew my application/nomination after talking to her and Lissy about it.
I'm starting to realise that the main reason that I can't do the things most students do, most of my friends do (work, do sport, socialise) is not because of some personal deficit...I mean I do have problems with anxiety and stuff. But mainly it is just because I have no energy.
Having realised that it is so simple, I'm still not prepared to get up tomorrow and eat breakfast.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Tomorrow I have to go to German and tutorial, then I might go to the cinema or work on my essay. It isn't long, it is manageable.
Then on Thursday morning I'm seeing my doctor and Friday afternoon I'm seeing Claire. Then I'm going to London for the weekend. It is okay. Nothing is even wrong, nothing has gone wrong, my day has been fine. But I feel like I want to talk to someone, like I have something that has to spill out but there isn't anything.
I've had 700 calories already.
Monday, 20 February 2012
I have a missed call from an unknown number, which is frustrating. I am in the psychology common room but I don't need to be. I thought I was taking part in an experiment today but it is actually tomorrow...but it means I really have no excuse not to go to my 11-1 lecture. If I don't go I'll be bored out of my mind.
Also ANNOYINGLY I'm about to start an essay on biological psychology and what book gets recalled to the library BIOLOGICAL PSYCHOLOGY. I have to take it back in a week which means I have to do all my notes this week. Which is a useful deadline but stress-making.
I need to decide on my title.
It is about the biological basis for schizophrenia or depression or obesity. I know I'm going to do depression or obesity but I haven't decided which.
idhwqhfueiwrhnpqfyudrq need to leave for my lecture in 5 minutes.
I WANT TO KNOW WHO MY MISSED CALL WAS FROM!
Sunday, 19 February 2012
I'm always going to feel too tall even though I stunted my growth
I'm always going to feel stupid even though I go to a Russell Group university
I'm always going to feel left out, lost and distant because I spent my teenage years starving and being force fed rather than hanging out with friends
I'm 163cm (ish), I weigh enough to not be anorexic, too little to be 'healthy' according the the world health organisation and now my doctor. I was just as ill when I was 10kg heavier and just as ill when I was 10kg lighter. I dread the day when I can't wear children's clothes even though I'll be 20 on my next birthday.
Claire isn't replying to my emails, I'm not seeing her until Friday.
- I HAVE to go to all my lectures tomorrow, and walk, and finish my lab report.
- I HAVE to lose more weight this week.
- I HAVE to stop being hungry all the time (and don't tell me to eat, just fuck off if you're going to tell me to eat, I KNOW that). I hate (yet love) how it hurts, right up under my ribs with hunger.
6 weeks until the end of term. If (and I won't) I lost 1.5-2kg per week I'd be going to hospital for easter, not home. That isn't what I want to do. I actually miss home a lot at the moment. I also won't sustain that sort of weightloss. It is a bit like anyone saying 'If I stopped eating, I'd be dead in 4 months'. I look disgusting in all the facebook photos of me.
I want to write to my old doctor but I don't think she'll reply so I dunno.
Thursday, 16 February 2012
I want to eat peanut butter.
I have never liked peanut butter.
I saw my doctor earlier, the person from ED they want to come to the big meeting is on leave so they can't arrange it until he comes back. I'm not invited to the meeting. I'm seeing him next Thursday and Claire next Friday. I wish it was more spread out in the week. Claire on Tuesday and Dr C on Thursday. It works better. I'm worried I'm going to do something, I probably won't.
Why the hell do I want peanut butter?!
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
I know I'm getting worse :/ but at the same time I've got my period so I'm like "what the hell you must be fine". Lissy and I decided we should swap logic, because I can be logical about her and she can be logical about me but we can't be logical about eachother.
I'm getting stranger with food. It is just getting wierd. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, I'm hoping he will explain to me what is happening with this meeting. When it is, who is going, if I am going, what he is hoping will actually come of it. I do kind of know what the answer is to the last question. They want ED to see me, when I was referred the idea was more psychologically oreintated now it is heading towards more nursing side of things.
I don't know which way to walk to b-eat. I've only done 3.4km today...but it is dark and cold so walking round the lake is probably dim :/
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Then today I haven't really done much except try and sort out the exam paper situation and see my mentor and then Claire...oh and ask for an extension. They found my papers so I have grades, they aren't amazing roughly a C+/B- but anyway I have more credits this semester SO I can bring my grade up quite a lot.
Seeing Claire wasn't as hard as last week but it kind of was because I didn't come away with any answers. I still don't know what is happening with this meeting. I know she wants me to see this guy James from the ED service but I don't know what his job title is. From googling I think he might be called James Parker and his job title is specialist clinician in eating disorders. (No idea what that actually means he does).
I'm seeing Dr Connor on Thursday so hopefully he'll know more.
Also I got my period, this is my second proper one in quite awhile. The first one was at the end of November then I got kinda one in December. Anyway, really horrible and bloated and painful.
Sunday, 12 February 2012
I make out I've been doing loads of work, been really busy.
They haven't seen me because I don't go to meals, I microwave mushrooms and porridge.
I emailed Claire.
I want to draw all over myself in black marker. For some reason this is harder to do than to cut.
Saturday, 11 February 2012
I didn't walk to town today, I got the bus, which means in total today I only walked 3.6km... I feel pretty lazy.
Anyway, I met up with Shannice, bought starbucks, chatted. We went to zara hoping to collect my Hello Kitty pjs but they hadn't arrived yet. Went to primark...I spent £30...eek. Figure I must be smaller because the age 12-13 dress isn't at all tight, the smaller size would look ridiculous though, this one fits.
I got some things for dressing up like Beckii Cruel for my friend's birthday party (she is from the isle of man so we're all dressing up as people from there).
Today I've had:
1 mocha light frappacino
space invaders crisps
922 calories...I think that is the most I've had in ages.
Shannice and I took loads of pictures with her AMAZING camera. I think I look awful and huge in most of them but anyway.
Friday, 10 February 2012
I sat around not doing much and occasionally cutting for 2 hours until my appointment with the nurse. All the nurses at my healthcentre are nice but I really like this one. She steri-striped and dressed my cuts. I made an appointment to get them changed, I'm seeing the same nurse again which is nice.
I came back and sat around for a bit, microwaved a potato and mashed it up with salt and vinegar. Did a very small amount of work, coloured, made a few hours disappear and just had some porridge so I can hopefully sleep.
Next week is really busy...I'm not really looking forward to it.
Experiment (1 hour)
Lecture (2 hours)
Meeting (1 hour..hopefully)
Lecture (1 hour)
Meeting (1 hour)
Running a quiz (2-3 hours)
Mentoring (1 hour)
Lecture (1 hour)
Appointment with Claire (1 hour)
Valentines party (many hours)
MUST DO LAB REPORT!!!
German (2 hours)
Sexual health event (1 hour 30 mins)
Meeting (1 hour 15 mins)
BEAT group (1 hour 30 mins) <<< though I like this so its okay :)
LAB REPORT DUE
Lecture (1 hour)
Tutorial (1 hour)
Doctor (20 mins)
Nurse (10 mins) << It will total about an hour to see them both
Lecture (1 hour)
Lecture (1 hour)
Lecture (1 hour)
I need to do a lot of work too because I've already got into ad habits.
So now you know the exciting nature or my week...
WHY AM I STILL HUNGRY!!!
Seeing Shannice tomorrow, which is keeping me going. So far I've bailed on her twice in the last month so I have to be okay enough to see her!!!
Quite worried about a lot of people at the moment. Lissy, Lily, Shannice...hoping CAMHS is useful for Hannah.
Had the revelation that I'm still going to be ill at 20...it officially won't be teenage angst.
I think I smell of vomit. Classy bag of sick in the corner, need to take that to the big bins when I leave for the nurse.
Thursday, 9 February 2012
I saw my GP. He kind of apologised (?!) for not prempting the anniversary last week. Then he weighed me which was awkward, I don't know if he subtracted any for clothes. Then he finally started to organise this meeting that he has been going on about forever (he thought Claire was on it, she didn't know what he was on about). So he has asked the secretary to try and organise it for next week. It would be him, Claire and ED service. However if ED can't come next week or the week after then it will be him, Claire and Farrah who I saw quite a lot of last week (she does the same job as Claire). I still don't really know if I'm going to be at this meeting or not...bit confusing. Then we talked about varying my diet. He suggested adding tuna, pasta and baked beans. I don't like baked beans or tuna and microwaving pasta seems a bit odd plus...just no. At the moment I have jacket potatoes, porridge, green beans, mushrooms and hot chocolate. I'm not SCARED of other things. I had a weightwatchers pasta meal at Lissy's I just don't buy them and don't really want them in my room.
Seeing him again in a week.
Have my first lab report of term :(
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
Anyway, now I feel really low and I don't know why.
I tried on some clothes, I fit in my UK 4 skirt from GAP now, it is highwasted so it isn't like my hips are a size 4 but anyway.
I was upset at the end of my appointment with Claire yesterday so I have no idea when I'm meant to be seeing her next. I emailed and asked but she hasn't replied. I should probably call her secretary.
Yesterday I ate and threw up 3 times. Then I ate some potato and green beans. I woke up at 2am when my friends came in, had a drunken cuddle with housemate Claire and was too hungry to sleep so I had a 50cal cuppa soup and a zopiclone. (I hadn't taken the zopiclone earlier as I fell asleep fine).
I want to lose lose lose lose weight, I don't want to eat. However, I have a 2 hour German class at 11am, it is my first one and I need to be on the ball so to say. Then I'm going to walk to beeston. Buy hot chocolate and soups, collect the plate I made for Lissy at this special cafe where you have tea and paint plates, bowls, teapots... loads of things.
I think I need to make porridge. The sachet Lissy gave me is 121 calories but you need to put milk in there. I think you're meant to add 180ml which in soya milk is 75 caloires (TOO MUCH) but I like my porridge really stodgy and kinda...solid :/ so I reckon I can add 100ml soya (42) and then some water. So 163 calories. I know I can walk them off.
5.6km from the walking I've planned but then I usually do 7km, 8km ish just from my day.
It will be okay.
I have a lot of hair at the moment it is just longer than my boobs and, despite the amount that falls out quite thick. It shockes me quite a lot when I see it. But it is also hard. When I was 14, my hair was falling out in patches however, I was in the general hospital one time and a nurse said 'oh but you're so pretty' as in I shouldn't be hurting myself or starving myself because i'm pretty. Awhile later I was allowed weekend leave, I got up, sprayed the hair on top of my head with hairspray and set fire to it. It smelt awful, I got taken straight back to the hospital and wasn't allowed home for awhile. I wore bandanas for the next 8 months. When I was home again my mum cut my hair so it was less odd in the lengths. I have pictures and when it was in stages of growing back to long...I look like I have a mullet.
My hair is a trigger. Esspecially when in my session yesterday Claire said that I'm talented, acheiving well, worth fighting for etc. I can't deal with those things. I have always been high achieveing but it hasn't protected me from porblems and if you look at other people with problems talent and high acheivement don't seem to protect anyone. If anything they are a risk factor.
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Anyway, she knows now. And I think she is probably putting 2 and 2 together and realising that me having blood tests and low blood pressure and fainting is linked to the eating.
Monday, 6 February 2012
I've emailed Claire but she probably hasn't had a chance to reply yet. I should go for a walk but it is so cold and snowy here I'm being lazy and staying in the library for now. I'm hoping Claire might reply in the next 20 minutes. I was probably a bit too honest with her.
I'm sick of this.
Friday, 3 February 2012
I just spent the last hour with Farrah, who, like Claire is a Mental Health Support Worker. I like her, she is a bit more direct with me than Claire, though Claire is great and I don't know how I would've coped otherwise. Claire's focus is more on getting me through the day/week whenever that is and getting me fully seeing a service like ED regularly so I can deal with things.
Farrah isn't trying to solve my ED or anything but she did bring it up and did challenge me a bit when I was saying I didn't need food and that I can't have it. Which I hate and it makes me squirm inside but at least I know someone else thinks I SHOULD eat which helps the thoughts a bit.
I'm seeing Dr Connor at 3.20pm so I have roughly three hours to kill...I'm in a seating area at the moment but it is pretty cold...I have my gloves on.
I could go to the library but for some reason that seems more scary. I could watch iplayer in a bit maybe. Or youtube.
I'm a bit worried that seeing Dr Connor will upset me because I have to get the train just after half past four and that means leaving campus at 4ish so I'd only have half an hour to calm down.
I have three blades and I need to give them to someone, I don't understand why I can't just throw them away. Farrah didn't ask for them. I don't want to have to see the nurses for a dressing again, they'll get fed up soon. I don't want them to start making me go to A&E.
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
Spoke to a lovely nurse for ages then waited to see Claire but she could only quickly speak to me as she had another patient. I'm seeing her at 4pm. It is 2.40pm at the moment and I'm going to walk 3-4pm because I've only done 3km today (less than 2 miles).
I'm super hungry, bought a nutri-grain bar because Lissy said it was a good idea. I might eat it when I see Claire but really I have a rule which is no food until Monday...issues.
Just got to be good until 4pm.