Wednesday, 29 February 2012

I feel inhibited in what I post...so erm yeh. Sorry.
I haven't eaten for awhile, I don't know when I'm going to eat again. I have had calories, hot chocolate, coffee, but not food.
I'm seeing Dr Connor tomorrow. I don't really know what to say.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Since this morning I've lost a bit, I'm now the planned weight for Thursday. I like being ahead, because on the plan I would still be officially fat for three more weeks.
I am still glad that I don't have to go to ED, I mean I am still going in September, I still have to do it all. I'm just glad I don't have to do it now.
So until then I'm going to see Dr Connor once a week and Claire once a week and they'll put in extra things if needed. I kind of want it on paper. A proper plan.

However, much as I don't feel able to make goals or stick to anyone else's goals for me (bar finish and pass the year)...I feel a bit lost not having any. I was meant to be adding more things to my diet but I haven't really got anywhere with it. I've now cut more things. I have no desire for any of my safe foods. I have a lot of hot chocolate. I'm not planning on having anything until Thursday, or until whenever. I mean I probably will but at the moment...I just don't want anything.

I'm such a loser.

Holding Bay

So basics I'm not going to see the ED specialist until September because I'm "not well enough to engage" at the moment.
I'm not really that bothered, it is an extra stress I don't have to deal with. It doesn't change the amount of weight I want to lose (asmuchaspossible) or the period of time I want to lose it in (assoonaspossible).
I almost like it, it gives me an excuse "I am not well enough to get better".
I'm in quarantine. Being examined, measured, weighed and they are waiting to see how it turns out. If I'm really a monster or alien species.

Friday, 24 February 2012

I probably need to stop thinking that I can be skinny, artistic, high-achieving, involed in university politics and friends with everyone.
I probably need to stop having that as my goal.

I saw Claire today, went a bit loopy on her but it was okay. I was going to run for university disability officer but I withdrew my application/nomination after talking to her and Lissy about it.

I'm starting to realise that the main reason that I can't do the things most students do, most of my friends do (work, do sport, socialise) is not because of some personal deficit...I mean I do have problems with anxiety and stuff. But mainly it is just because I have no energy.

Having realised that it is so simple, I'm still not prepared to get up tomorrow and eat breakfast.
My life is an uninteresting mess.

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

I feel completely tangled up and torn up and messed up. I want to cut, I want to cancel my appointments with Claire and Dr Connor. I want to stop doing all of it and just try and be normal. Except not normal. I don't want to need food, I don't want to get so hungry I can't concentrate. I want to just fade away. I want to not need people.
I really want to email just anyone that could help. Though nothing is wrong. I want to email Claire, I want to write to my old doctor, I want to drop a note into my doctor. But nothing is wrong. I've got to get through today. 45 minutes then 2 hours watching a film with friends. Then it is the evening and I need to do German work then I can watch TV and do arty things.
Tomorrow I have to go to German and tutorial, then I might go to the cinema or work on my essay. It isn't long, it is manageable.
Then on Thursday morning I'm seeing my doctor and Friday afternoon I'm seeing Claire. Then I'm going to London for the weekend. It is okay. Nothing is even wrong, nothing has gone wrong, my day has been fine. But I feel like I want to talk to someone, like I have something that has to spill out but there isn't anything.
I've had 700 calories already.

Monday, 20 February 2012

Ought

I've decided that is maybe my favourite word.
Very English.

Monday

I'm sorry, I'm really grateful for the super long comments, I'm sorry that I haven't been commenting on people's blogs much. I don't really know what to say at the moment.
I have a missed call from an unknown number, which is frustrating. I am in the psychology common room but I don't need to be. I thought I was taking part in an experiment today but it is actually tomorrow...but it means I really have no excuse not to go to my 11-1 lecture. If I don't go I'll be bored out of my mind.
Also ANNOYINGLY I'm about to start an essay on biological psychology and what book gets recalled to the library BIOLOGICAL PSYCHOLOGY. I have to take it back in a week which means I have to do all my notes this week. Which is a useful deadline but stress-making.
I need to decide on my title.
It is about the biological basis for schizophrenia or depression or obesity. I know I'm going to do depression or obesity but I haven't decided which.
idhwqhfueiwrhnpqfyudrq need to leave for my lecture in 5 minutes.
I WANT TO KNOW WHO MY MISSED CALL WAS FROM!

Sunday, 19 February 2012

My stats

My stats are that I'm always going to feel fat whatever I weigh
I'm always going to feel too tall even though I stunted my growth
I'm always going to feel stupid even though I go to a Russell Group university
I'm always going to feel left out, lost and distant because I spent my teenage years starving and being force fed rather than hanging out with friends

I'm 163cm (ish), I weigh enough to not be anorexic, too little to be 'healthy' according the the world health organisation and now my doctor. I was just as ill when I was 10kg heavier and just as ill when I was 10kg lighter. I dread the day when I can't wear children's clothes even though I'll be 20 on my next birthday.


I know I sound like a bitch for responding to a comment like this, but I dont' go on PT anymore for a reason and I don't want it to be like that here.

Such a happy little girl

I feel completely insane but too fat to be insane. I've eaten and thrown up so much this weekend, I also have a cold.
Claire isn't replying to my emails, I'm not seeing her until Friday.
  1. I HAVE to go to all my lectures tomorrow, and walk, and finish my lab report.
  2. I HAVE to lose more weight this week.
  3. I HAVE to stop being hungry all the time (and don't tell me to eat, just fuck off if you're going to tell me to eat, I KNOW that). I hate (yet love) how it hurts, right up under my ribs with hunger.

6 weeks until the end of term. If (and I won't) I lost 1.5-2kg per week I'd be going to hospital for easter, not home. That isn't what I want to do. I actually miss home a lot at the moment. I also won't sustain that sort of weightloss. It is a bit like anyone saying 'If I stopped eating, I'd be dead in 4 months'. I look disgusting in all the facebook photos of me.

I want to write to my old doctor but I don't think she'll reply so I dunno.



Thursday, 16 February 2012

PB

I hate hate hate this, I feel like my head is exploding. I went to buy binge food earlier, I didn't, I couldn't. I want to eat everything, right now, but I can't. And at the same time I feel like what I have had today is so so much, too much.

I want to eat peanut butter.
I have never liked peanut butter.

I saw my doctor earlier, the person from ED they want to come to the big meeting is on leave so they can't arrange it until he comes back. I'm not invited to the meeting. I'm seeing him next Thursday and Claire next Friday. I wish it was more spread out in the week. Claire on Tuesday and Dr C on Thursday. It works better. I'm worried I'm going to do something, I probably won't.

Why the hell do I want peanut butter?!

Out of Sync

I was the only one at b-eat last night which meant I kind of had a two on one session, it isn't like therapy but it is therapeutic if that makes sense. I came away feeling like I could fight, so not only did I think I had something to be fighting but that it was okay to do so. That so quickly slips away. I'm hungry, I could have porridge, in theory I could have noodles or alphabet spaghetti or a jacket potato but they are dinner things and it is only 11am. But then even with porridge I feel all tangled up about it. I wish my eyes and my weight could agree because today when I looked in the mirror it wasn't so bad but due to my period my weight is higher than this time last week so then I feel like I'm okay and I don't need to eat. Which is illogical because everyone needs to eat right? Wrong. FJEWCHUWECOEUFHJ

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

B-eat

I'm going to the b-eat support group in about half an hour. (B-eat is the UK ED charity and they run support groups). It runs every two weeks and the last one was really good, which has meant I'm glad I'm going again but also that I'm worried it won't be as good this time.
I know I'm getting worse :/ but at the same time I've got my period so I'm like "what the hell you must be fine". Lissy and I decided we should swap logic, because I can be logical about her and she can be logical about me but we can't be logical about eachother.
I'm getting stranger with food. It is just getting wierd. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, I'm hoping he will explain to me what is happening with this meeting. When it is, who is going, if I am going, what he is hoping will actually come of it. I do kind of know what the answer is to the last question. They want ED to see me, when I was referred the idea was more psychologically oreintated now it is heading towards more nursing side of things.

I don't know which way to walk to b-eat. I've only done 3.4km today...but it is dark and cold so walking round the lake is probably dim :/

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Lundi et Mardi

The past two days have been such a mixture. Yesterday I found out I had to re write one of my essays from last Semester and that I didn't have a grade for two modules because they had lost my exam paper (they thought I hadn't even been in the exam). I had a complete meltdown on my tutor. But then in the evening I helped run a pub style quiz in my hall and it went really well and over 100 people came and it was just like WOW I CAN DO STUFF.
Then today I haven't really done much except try and sort out the exam paper situation and see my mentor and then Claire...oh and ask for an extension. They found my papers so I have grades, they aren't amazing roughly a C+/B- but anyway I have more credits this semester SO I can bring my grade up quite a lot.
Seeing Claire wasn't as hard as last week but it kind of was because I didn't come away with any answers. I still don't know what is happening with this meeting. I know she wants me to see this guy James from the ED service but I don't know what his job title is. From googling I think he might be called James Parker and his job title is specialist clinician in eating disorders. (No idea what that actually means he does).
I'm seeing Dr Connor on Thursday so hopefully he'll know more.

Also I got my period, this is my second proper one in quite awhile. The first one was at the end of November then I got kinda one in December. Anyway, really horrible and bloated and painful.

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Harder than cutting

Friends keep trickling into my room, saying they haven't really seen me this week.
I make out I've been doing loads of work, been really busy.

They haven't seen me because I don't go to meals, I microwave mushrooms and porridge.

I emailed Claire.

I want to draw all over myself in black marker. For some reason this is harder to do than to cut.
I feel in a complete state about the next week. It is so busy, which I could just about deal with if I was generally doing okay...but I'm not. I think I'm going to email Claire.

les photos

If you want to see a lot of pictures of me looking rather large go here...
I'm the pale, blue eyed one.

I have a massive list of things to do today. Slightly freaking out.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

apr├Ęs-midi avec Shannice

This morning I got up and did some of my lab report, I'm on 707 words now and about halfway through which is really unusual for me. Usually I only write about 1000 words and not until the day before it is due in.
I didn't walk to town today, I got the bus, which means in total today I only walked 3.6km... I feel pretty lazy.
Anyway, I met up with Shannice, bought starbucks, chatted. We went to zara hoping to collect my Hello Kitty pjs but they hadn't arrived yet. Went to primark...I spent £30...eek. Figure I must be smaller because the age 12-13 dress isn't at all tight, the smaller size would look ridiculous though, this one fits.
I got some things for dressing up like Beckii Cruel for my friend's birthday party (she is from the isle of man so we're all dressing up as people from there).
Today I've had:
3 coffees
1 mocha light frappacino
wotsits crisps
skips crisps
space invaders crisps
pistachio nuts
porridge

922 calories...I think that is the most I've had in ages.

Shannice and I took loads of pictures with her AMAZING camera. I think I look awful and huge in most of them but anyway.

Friday, 10 February 2012

Pondering porridge and potato

So I binged and purged earlier, different to old purges. I bought food to throw up on, I didn't have all of it I put the rest in the communal kitchen and it promptly disappeared. I had two cookies, a packet of crisps and a slice of carrot cake. I didn't have the two chocolate brownies. I threw up in bags I had collected from the kitchen.
I sat around not doing much and occasionally cutting for 2 hours until my appointment with the nurse. All the nurses at my healthcentre are nice but I really like this one. She steri-striped and dressed my cuts. I made an appointment to get them changed, I'm seeing the same nurse again which is nice.
I came back and sat around for a bit, microwaved a potato and mashed it up with salt and vinegar. Did a very small amount of work, coloured, made a few hours disappear and just had some porridge so I can hopefully sleep.
Next week is really busy...I'm not really looking forward to it.

Monday
EXAM RESULTS
Experiment (1 hour)
Lecture (2 hours)
Meeting (1 hour..hopefully)
Lecture (1 hour)
Meeting (1 hour)
Running a quiz (2-3 hours)

Tuesday
Mentoring (1 hour)
Lecture (1 hour)
Appointment with Claire (1 hour)
Valentines party (many hours)

MUST DO LAB REPORT!!!

Wednesday
German (2 hours)
Sexual health event (1 hour 30 mins)
Meeting (1 hour 15 mins)
BEAT group (1 hour 30 mins) <<< though I like this so its okay :)

Thursday
LAB REPORT DUE
Lecture (1 hour)
Tutorial (1 hour)
Doctor (20 mins)
Nurse (10 mins) << It will total about an hour to see them both

Friday

Lecture (1 hour)
Lecture (1 hour)
Lecture (1 hour)


I need to do a lot of work too because I've already got into ad habits.

So now you know the exciting nature or my week...

WHY AM I STILL HUNGRY!!!
So far today I've spent more time in my pajamas than clothes, cut, cut a bit more, binged, purged, cut a bit more. Sent a few attention seeking emails to Claire, found Farrah, got booked in for dressings at 4pm.
Seeing Shannice tomorrow, which is keeping me going. So far I've bailed on her twice in the last month so I have to be okay enough to see her!!!
Quite worried about a lot of people at the moment. Lissy, Lily, Shannice...hoping CAMHS is useful for Hannah.
Had the revelation that I'm still going to be ill at 20...it officially won't be teenage angst.

I think I smell of vomit. Classy bag of sick in the corner, need to take that to the big bins when I leave for the nurse.


Thursday, 9 February 2012

I have no energy...

I do care and love you, but I don't want to argue with you. I just can't do it at the moment.

Claire hasn't replied to my email but that quite possibly means she hasn't been in work. I'm going to call her secretary tomorrow and find out when the appointment is because I'm worried it is going to clash with the meetings I have to go to next week (sigh.)

I saw my GP. He kind of apologised (?!) for not prempting the anniversary last week. Then he weighed me which was awkward, I don't know if he subtracted any for clothes. Then he finally started to organise this meeting that he has been going on about forever (he thought Claire was on it, she didn't know what he was on about). So he has asked the secretary to try and organise it for next week. It would be him, Claire and ED service. However if ED can't come next week or the week after then it will be him, Claire and Farrah who I saw quite a lot of last week (she does the same job as Claire). I still don't really know if I'm going to be at this meeting or not...bit confusing. Then we talked about varying my diet. He suggested adding tuna, pasta and baked beans. I don't like baked beans or tuna and microwaving pasta seems a bit odd plus...just no. At the moment I have jacket potatoes, porridge, green beans, mushrooms and hot chocolate. I'm not SCARED of other things. I had a weightwatchers pasta meal at Lissy's I just don't buy them and don't really want them in my room.
Seeing him again in a week.

Have my first lab report of term :(

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Low

This morning went better. I had my first German lesson, I ate porridge before I left. Then I walked to town and back. Bought some safe food - hot chocolate, mushrooms, potatoes to mash and maybe eat.
Anyway, now I feel really low and I don't know why.
I tried on some clothes, I fit in my UK 4 skirt from GAP now, it is highwasted so it isn't like my hips are a size 4 but anyway.
I was upset at the end of my appointment with Claire yesterday so I have no idea when I'm meant to be seeing her next. I emailed and asked but she hasn't replied. I should probably call her secretary.

Porridge

I've lost a bit of weight, I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll have lost enough for it not to be embarrassing when my doctor weighs me.
Yesterday I ate and threw up 3 times. Then I ate some potato and green beans. I woke up at 2am when my friends came in, had a drunken cuddle with housemate Claire and was too hungry to sleep so I had a 50cal cuppa soup and a zopiclone. (I hadn't taken the zopiclone earlier as I fell asleep fine).
I want to lose lose lose lose weight, I don't want to eat. However, I have a 2 hour German class at 11am, it is my first one and I need to be on the ball so to say. Then I'm going to walk to beeston. Buy hot chocolate and soups, collect the plate I made for Lissy at this special cafe where you have tea and paint plates, bowls, teapots... loads of things.
I think I need to make porridge. The sachet Lissy gave me is 121 calories but you need to put milk in there. I think you're meant to add 180ml which in soya milk is 75 caloires (TOO MUCH) but I like my porridge really stodgy and kinda...solid :/ so I reckon I can add 100ml soya (42) and then some water. So 163 calories. I know I can walk them off.
5.6km from the walking I've planned but then I usually do 7km, 8km ish just from my day.
It will be okay.

I have a lot of hair at the moment it is just longer than my boobs and, despite the amount that falls out quite thick. It shockes me quite a lot when I see it. But it is also hard. When I was 14, my hair was falling out in patches however, I was in the general hospital one time and a nurse said 'oh but you're so pretty' as in I shouldn't be hurting myself or starving myself because i'm pretty. Awhile later I was allowed weekend leave, I got up, sprayed the hair on top of my head with hairspray and set fire to it. It smelt awful, I got taken straight back to the hospital and wasn't allowed home for awhile. I wore bandanas for the next 8 months. When I was home again my mum cut my hair so it was less odd in the lengths. I have pictures and when it was in stages of growing back to long...I look like I have a mullet.
My hair is a trigger. Esspecially when in my session yesterday Claire said that I'm talented, acheiving well, worth fighting for etc. I can't deal with those things. I have always been high achieveing but it hasn't protected me from porblems and if you look at other people with problems talent and high acheivement don't seem to protect anyone. If anything they are a risk factor.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Partial honesty

Today my mum phoned me. I told her about my eating disorder referral. She didn't seem that suprised, she said she'd fill out any of their questionnaires if they needed. She also said that I've been weird with food since I was 5 or 6 to the extent of 'food phobias'. I mean I ate but only very specific things, served in a specific way and even then I used to throw away my food or hide it. Didn't understand food would rot and smell...awkward.
Anyway, she knows now. And I think she is probably putting 2 and 2 together and realising that me having blood tests and low blood pressure and fainting is linked to the eating.

Monday, 6 February 2012

Le weekend dernier...

The weekend was lovely, I went ans stayed with Felicity and her family which made me feel warm and safe. I went and had my dressings changed this morning, I've been crying on and off since then. I haven't gone to my lecture and I want to go and buy blades.
I've emailed Claire but she probably hasn't had a chance to reply yet. I should go for a walk but it is so cold and snowy here I'm being lazy and staying in the library for now. I'm hoping Claire might reply in the next 20 minutes. I was probably a bit too honest with her.
I'm sick of this.

Friday, 3 February 2012

Bloody freezing

This seating area is fucking freezing and people are eating here and I can smell it. Icky icky icky. IT IS SO COLD!

The Day

Ten years ago, on the 3rd February 2002 at roughly 11am I was raped.

I just spent the last hour with Farrah, who, like Claire is a Mental Health Support Worker. I like her, she is a bit more direct with me than Claire, though Claire is great and I don't know how I would've coped otherwise. Claire's focus is more on getting me through the day/week whenever that is and getting me fully seeing a service like ED regularly so I can deal with things.
Farrah isn't trying to solve my ED or anything but she did bring it up and did challenge me a bit when I was saying I didn't need food and that I can't have it. Which I hate and it makes me squirm inside but at least I know someone else thinks I SHOULD eat which helps the thoughts a bit.
I'm seeing Dr Connor at 3.20pm so I have roughly three hours to kill...I'm in a seating area at the moment but it is pretty cold...I have my gloves on.
I could go to the library but for some reason that seems more scary. I could watch iplayer in a bit maybe. Or youtube.
I'm a bit worried that seeing Dr Connor will upset me because I have to get the train just after half past four and that means leaving campus at 4ish so I'd only have half an hour to calm down.

I have three blades and I need to give them to someone, I don't understand why I can't just throw them away. Farrah didn't ask for them. I don't want to have to see the nurses for a dressing again, they'll get fed up soon. I don't want them to start making me go to A&E.

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

I hope this gets better

Psychology experiment for credits induced flashbacks led to cutting led to dressings and steri strips.
Spoke to a lovely nurse for ages then waited to see Claire but she could only quickly speak to me as she had another patient. I'm seeing her at 4pm. It is 2.40pm at the moment and I'm going to walk 3-4pm because I've only done 3km today (less than 2 miles).
I'm super hungry, bought a nutri-grain bar because Lissy said it was a good idea. I might eat it when I see Claire but really I have a rule which is no food until Monday...issues.
Just got to be good until 4pm.